Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again (11 page)

My faith helped me to find a better path. My belief in God helped me get through the legal hurdles I faced and the many long months I spent in prison. I remember one chilly springtime afternoon in my weekly prayer group, we all had to pick promises in the Bible we wanted to read and I chose one about forgiveness. I felt like I had to learn about forgiveness in order to move on. While we were discussing the promises, I thought about how the most important parts of the Lord’s Prayer, which I have known since I was a little girl and still recite every night to myself before I go to bed, says,

forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us . . .

Forgive those who trespass against us. Such a simple message, yet so hard to do in real life.

I didn’t say too much during the prayer group. But I thought about how hurt I had felt by some of the cutting remarks my brother, sister-in-law, cousins, aunt, and others had said to me along the way.

But when I heard that other women in there had forgiven people for setting them up so they would end up in prison, physically abusing them or their loved ones when they were little, sexually molesting them, and other things that stood my hair on end, I thought—
What did my family and close friends do that was so terrible?
Yes, their words and actions caused me pain, but not like this. I’m not trying to minimize what they did, but at the same time, I thought,
If these women could forgive—and I mean really forgive—why couldn’t I?

I remember tucking my Bible under my arm and heading back to my room to think about what we had just talked about. I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. Forgiving is
hard
, I thought. It’s easy to say, “I forgive so and so,” but then when you start to think about the pain that person caused you, and things that happened as a result, it can make you upset all over again and then you aren’t feeling so forgiving.

Holding on to anger only makes us bitter. Forgiving takes time. While I’d like to think forgiveness is a two-way street, in reality it isn’t always. Sometimes you have to forgive knowing that other people you hurt may not see things the way you now see them. And that’s OK.

In prison, I also became more accepting and tolerant of others (because you had to!). Spending a year away from my family gave me the chance to think about how I interact with other people, and to learn to react with humility and empathy. That’s something I hoped to do when I got back home and started dealing with people in my life I have hurt and who have hurt me. It wouldn’t be easy, but at least I am aware of it.

M
y closest friends, who, besides Dina, are not on the show, have told me that one of the things they love best about me is how much I am there for them when they are in need, no matter how big or small it is. That I am the one they know they can count on. That’s how I have always been, but when I get angry at people in my family or close friends I made along the way, I often forget about that simple trait of mine. Sometimes all it really does take is a caring phone call to check in on people when they are going through something difficult, even if you are mad at them. Sometimes it is putting your pride aside and really listening to what people are telling you—not just hearing their words, getting defensive, and thinking about what you can say to show that you are right and they are wrong.

It takes a big person to do that. It takes a strong person to do that. It takes someone with a lot of heart. I am striving to be that person, especially when it comes to my family, because at the end of the day, that’s who will always be there for us. My family and friends showed me that they were there for me during my darkest days. I will always keep their love in my mind and heart.

N
ow, while so much of what I dealt with on
RHONJ
was painful for me and resulted in arguments, I had plenty of happy moments during the show, too, which I also thought about a lot in prison.

I was so happy that they filmed us during holiday gatherings, big events like Audriana’s christening, and trips to Joe’s family’s house in upstate New York and our shore house. I am so glad that we have my parents and Joe’s parents on film, especially since we lost Joe’s father in 2014. We love looking back at those happy moments with him. Our parents came with us when we filmed that episode in Sala Consilina, which was such a special trip for all of us. They also filmed us taking formal portraits with more than fifty members of Joe’s family, including his father and grandmother. These are all moments we would only have in our memories if it weren’t for the show. I wouldn’t trade that in for anything.

I loved seeing the girls grow up on the show! When I said yes to doing
Housewives
, I wanted it to be like my own televised series of home movies of the girls—and it has been! I love going back and watching those first episodes when Gia was so little (and still such a mature, well-spoken, sensitive girl), when I would take her on auditions; the few episodes where Gabriella makes a rare appearance; reliving the best one-liners from Milania; and of course, watching my baby, Audriana, literally being filmed during her birth and seeing her blossom before my eyes.

While I was filming, I also had so much fun going to appearances, book signings, and events with my beloved hairstylist David Antunes and my makeup artist Priscilla Distasio. I laugh about the days when Priscilla and I were on the go from early morning till the wee hours while doing QVC appearances for my products and books. Since we would get to our hotel room at almost midnight and had to be up at 4:30 or 5 a.m. (sometimes earlier, depending on the airtime), she would do most of my makeup before we went to bed. She would laugh when I went to sleep like an Egyptian mummy, totally tucked into the bed with the sheets and blankets wrapped around me so tight that I couldn’t move, and my hair spread out to the side on my pillow so I wouldn’t mess it up. Crazy!

One night, after a long day in Philadelphia, we decided that we just couldn’t leave the city without running up the stairs of the Museum of Art like Rocky. So there we were, in heels, pretending to run in slow motion up to the top, then raising our arms high in the air in triumph, like he did in the movie, and collapsing into hysterical laughter. We did things like that all the time, which made those grueling days and nights a lot easier.

Being on the show gave me the chance to do so many amazing new things, too, that I probably wouldn’t otherwise have done. Joe and I were able to renew our vows in a fairy-tale second wedding at Oheka Castle on Long Island for a photo shoot we did for
In Touch
magazine. I loved that the girls were able to see Mommy and Daddy get married again. The looks on their faces were priceless. I got to wear a gorgeous wedding gown. Joe looked so handsome in his tuxedo. My daughters, who were our flower girls, looked so beautiful. It was so much fun, and it really was like being in a fairy tale, especially when we all rode in a horse and carriage. At the end of the wedding, Joe told me he loved me more than anything on earth. I told him we were blessed to have each other in our lives and that I loved him so much, too. It was one of the best days of my life.

One of the biggest opportunities that came my way was competing on
The Celebrity Apprentice
5, which aired in 2012. I was thrilled to be on a show that helped me raise money for The NephCure Foundation, which supports continuing research to find a cure for a rare kidney disease called FSGS—focal segmental glomerulosclerosis. I got involved with NephCure when I met an adorable kid named Matthew Levine and his family at an Eric Trump Foundation charity event in New York City for the St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, months before I was asked to be on
Celebrity Apprentice
. (Like his father, Eric is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I love his big heart and how he has helped so many children over the years.) I told Matthew’s mother that her children were beautiful, and after she thanked me, she added, “My son is beautiful on the outside, but inside he is very sick.” She went on to tell me that he was taking fifteen pills a day because of his illness. I was so taken aback because he was only a child when I met him, and one of my daughters was the same age at the time. I couldn’t imagine how this woman felt. Her family’s story really touched my heart, and stayed with me long after our first meeting.

I was over the moon when I was first asked to be on
Celebrity Apprentice
, but I was nervous, too. I knew it was an intense show, and I didn’t want to leave my daughters for a long time (you have to live at Trump SoHo while it’s filming). I had never been away from my daughters before. But when I agreed to do it, they asked me which charity I had chosen to support. I was going to pick Project Ladybug, but I immediately thought of the little boy I had met at the St. Jude event and wanted to fight for NephCure.

I loved doing the show, but hated being away from Joe and the girls, so we made the best of the situation. They came to see me on the weekends and we had the best time seeing Broadway shows, going out to fun restaurants, sightseeing, and just walking around the city, taking it all in.

Though I lost my first challenge by twelve dollars to Dee Snider, I had so much fun on
Celebrity Apprentice
and hung in there almost to the end. It was a lot of work! We had to be up super-early and work late into the night. It was weird staying in a room at the Trump SoHo all by myself, because I’d never lived alone before. I made it to the final five, but got “fired” two weeks before the season finale. When I got axed, I said, “I don’t think Mr. Trump fired the right person, but I’m proud of myself that I made it this far. I wanted to prove to people that I’m not just a housewife, that there’s more to me than that.”

Even though I got fired, Arsenio Hall, one of the contestants who was still in the running, asked me to help him on the finale, so I was on the show until the end. I was thrilled that I raised seventy thousand dollars for NephCure. I wish I could have won more money for them. I tried my best, though. Everyone who competed was an amazingly hard worker, and each and every one of us was passionate about raising money for our charities.

One of the best things about being on
Celebrity Apprentice
, besides raising money for NephCure, was that people got to see a whole other side of me—the real side—calm, focused, and professional. “Everyone will see me in a different light as a businesswoman and, of course, it’s for charity,” I told
Naughty but Nice
columnist Rob Shuter on the set of
New York Live
at the time.

I absolutely loved working with Donald Trump. He’s such a great guy. He was always so nice to me and he loved my husband. When Joe and I met with him in his office before I did the show, the two of them hit it off right away. Whenever we were in the boardroom, before the cameras started to roll, he would always ask me, “How is Joe doing?” Joe, of course, thought he was fantastic.

I
am happy to say that I am in a good place now. I’m not happy about some of the things I have done in the past. Does that mean I will never lose my temper again if I am pushed to the limit or that I will let people walk all over me? No. But I’ve learned to look at things differently—and am trying to find ways to channel the anger I sometimes feel in a more positive way. (For example, when I got upset about something in prison, I did yoga, meditated, or hit the gym. Hard. I got out my frustrations, thought things through, and
then
reacted.) I can’t always do that going forward, especially if I am filming a scene, but just know that I am trying.

I know better days are ahead. I just don’t want things to go back to where they were.

A
ll the fighting, feuding, backstabbing, bickering, pain, and drama I dealt with on the show was nothing compared to the legal nightmare Joe and I faced in 2013 and 2014. The world watched on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, and other outlets, as well as on
Real Housewives
at the end of Season 5 and through Season 6—as the life we had crumbled around us. These past three years have been the hardest of my life—and I had to endure it all in the public eye. While this part of my life has been more than trying—and still is—I have done my best to hold my head high, walk with grace, put my life in God’s hands, and stay strong, even when it almost became too much.

In 2013, the glamorous, fun and drama-filled life I led on the show intersected with stone-cold reality. We had spoken about our bankruptcy on camera here and there over the years. But at the end of the Season 5 finale, viewers were shown a clip of Matt Lauer reporting on
Today
that on July 29, 2013, the U.S. Attorney was indicting us on thirty-nine counts of federal fraud, including charges of bankruptcy fraud and conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud.

The most terrifying part of all this? Initially, we faced up to fifty years in prison if we were found guilty. Most days, the thought just didn’t seem within the realm of possibility. I felt like my world was spinning out of control . . . but I also couldn’t grasp what this
really
could mean for our family.