Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again (32 page)

I was touched when some of my fellow inmates came up to me and told me that they liked being around me because I was so upbeat and gave off such good energy. They told me that they were inspired when they saw that I tried to see the best in every situation. Wow. Once I got past the shock and horror of being in prison (and let me tell you, it took a
long
time to accept my fate in there), I was happy to help give other women the strength I have and to share my positive outlook with them, telling them that like me, they would get through all this, too.

I also thought about how I had survived my time at Danbury. I’ve always liked nice things, even when I was young, and always worked hard for them. But once I started becoming famous, I started wanting even more: better clothes, shoes, purses, and the like. Spending almost a year in a federal prison definitely brought me back down to earth. I learned that I can live anywhere—in any conditions, no matter how depressing, dreary, and horrible I think they are—and make the best of it.

I guess one of the biggest things I was reminded of in prison was something I had always known, but had forgotten: that sometimes you have to put things in God’s hands, trust in Him, let go, and move on. Just like that. Doing that makes the burden easier.

Maybe God wanted me to have some time to step back, do some thinking, heal, and evaluate everything around me, because it had all become so out of control and chaotic. I mean, look where I ended up. Maybe He wanted me to clean house and start fresh.

One of the most profound things that happened to me while I was in prison was that I saw firsthand how God was with me every step of the way. He never let me down, always protected my children, my parents, and my husband. I know that everything happens for a reason, and with God’s love and strength, I knew that this experience, too, would pass. My family would reunite and we would be stronger than we ever were.

A
s I neared the end of my sentence, I worried about what life in prison would be like for Joe, even though he was always very stoic about leaving. He said that he planned to just go in, do his time, and get out. But still, as his wife, I worried. I was also concerned about how the girls would deal with their dad being gone for forty-one months. They adore their daddy and need him in their lives. So do I.

I wanted to show my girls, through my example, how to be strong in the face of tough times and to always carry their heads high and with dignity. When I got out, I knew they would be watching me as I worked hard for a better future for them. I had so many plans! I realized that I needed to make better decisions for myself when it came to my personal relationships, and also my businesses. Our future depends on it.

O
ne of the things that kept me going in Danbury was daydreaming about what I planned to do as soon as I got home. It was going to be one of the happiest days of my life. Jim had planned on picking me up because I would be leaving in the middle of the night, just like I did when I arrived, to avoid the media. I couldn’t wait to hug and kiss my daughters, and cuddle in bed together like a family, just like we did the night I left. I wanted to hug them all so tight for so long. I knew we would be crying, but this time they would be tears of joy and relief that we had made it through this hellish year and were back in each other’s arms again.

Showering in my own (clean!) bathroom and scrubbing the scent of prison off of me would be an absolute luxury. I wanted to use my favorite bath products and just stand there under the hot water for as long as I wanted to. I wanted to dry off with my fluffy towels, put on a thong (no more granny panties!), a
real
bra, and my favorite leopard-skin pajamas. I was also looking forward to a sink that worked like normal. I had always taken the running water in my house for granted. Not anymore.

On that first morning back home, I wanted to go downstairs to my own kitchen, where I knew Joe would make us a healthy breakfast of eggs, oatmeal, and fresh fruit. The girls would probably set the table for us, making it look beautiful, because they know how much I love that and enjoy eating together as a family.

I thanked God for keeping me safe during my stay at Danbury and for protecting Joe, the girls, my parents, and our family and friends. I prayed for Him to protect us all in the weeks before I was released. I also thought about all the people who hated us, wished the worst for us, and actually did things to try make our lives miserable and trip us up, before Joe and I got sentenced and while I was in prison. I prayed for them, too—that they would find peace in their hearts and learn to just let things go and not be so bitter and hateful.

Our family had gotten so much closer since I left for prison, and though I feared what was to come when Joe was gone, I knew we’d be safe. I knew we’d be all right. I thanked God for that, too.

As I sat there thinking about what it would be like when I got home, I stared up at the big, beautiful blue sky above me. The funny thing about the sky, and the sun, and the stars is that they all look the same no matter where you are, whether you are in prison or at home. Even though I had been away from the people I love the most, I knew that wherever they were at that moment, they could see the same vast sky I did. We are always together in our hearts. After all, it’s where we belong.

My father, Giacinto Gorga, and my mother, Antonia Gorga, at their wedding reception in Sala Consilina, Italy, on December 27, 1969. They were so in love and still are. I think I got my love of hats from my mother. . . .

*Photos are courtesy of the author unless otherwise noted.

Joey and I when we were 8 and 10, standing on the lawn of our house in Paterson, New Jersey, where we used to play for hours.

Here I am in second grade at St. Mary’s School in Paterson, about a year before I started liking Joe and would find any excuse to go to the bathroom so I could walk by his classroom!

Having fun on a trip to South Beach with my friends in my early twenties. I love it there!

Joe and I leaving the Cathedral Basilica of the Sacred Heart in Newark, New Jersey, after saying our “I do’s” on October 23, 1999. I was so happy to be married to Joe!
(Photo by Abbey Photographers of Palisades Park, New Jersey)

Joe and I with Joe’s parents on our wedding day. God bless you, and may you rest in peace, Nonno Franco . . .
(Photo by Abbey Photographers of Palisades Park, New Jersey)

I went all out for my senior prom! I wanted to wear a color that no one else would have, with dyed shoes to match.

Joe and I on a romantic picnic when we first started dating. I still feel about him now the way I did then.