"You make me feel so loved, " he whispered against her forehead. q "You are, " she returned as softly "I hadn't realized how much of my time at the cabin was spent showing you that- ... until I got here and didn't know what to do with myself: i He moved over her then, fingers splayed on either side of her head, eyes wide and brilliant. "You... have... no idea how much I love you: ' q think I do, " she said with a soft smile.
" You're here, Ip't you? " q!" q(es. And I intend to make it. For you: '
q'iqio, for you: ' t' "Aqnd for you: ' q'4kay, for me: ' " And for baby,
" he said, lowering a hand to properly greet W LET GARRICK FIND his own pace in Concord. She uld have been happy if he just sat with her in the yard or apartment and accompanied her to the hospital for her qolntments. But he did more than that. Within days of arrival, he signed up to take several courses at the local versity. She knew that the first few trips he made there re taxing for him, because he returned to her pale and d. But he stuck with it, and in time he felt less threatqw I.
ikewise, he insisted on taking her for walks each day. qregory had recommended the exercise, and though they qgan with simple neighborhood trips, Leah's eagerness and lqarrick's growing confidence soon had them covering greater distances. OFTEN Garrick wheeled Susan in her chair while Leah held lightly to his elbow; other times Leah and Gzrrick went alone.
"How do you feel? " Leah asked on one of those private outings.
"Not bad: '" Nervous? "
"Not really. No one seems to recognize me. No ones looking twice: He snorted. " If I had any brains, I suppose I'd be offended: '
"It's because you do have brains that you're not. How about at school?
Have there been any double takes there? "
"No: He didn't tell her about the anxiety he d felt whel during one of those very tense first days of classes, he' stood for five minutes outside a local tavern, aching for drink, just one to calm him down. Nor did he tell her of th flyers he d seen posted around the university, advertisin, dramatic productions in the works; he d stared at those, too for a very long time.
But he was with her, and he was doing all right, and shq was doing all right, which was what really mattered.
timid-OCTOBER BROUGHT the turning of the leaves. Garrick would have liked to show Leah the brilliance of the autumr nal spectacle from the cabin, but he didn't dare make even a day trip back to the mountain. The baby was growing bigger andqlqah's body more unwieldy; in terms of both comfort and safety, he knew that she was better off staying in Concord.
November brought a marked downshift in the temperaq q' ture, as well as Garrick's insistence that he and Leah file for a marriage license. It also brought orders from Gregory, , soon after, that Leah was to stay in bed. She wasn't thrilled with the prospect, for it meant an end to her outings with Garrick. And that she d have more time on her hands to worry about the baby.
She d had every test imaginable. Gregory had made detailed comparisons between the results of those tests and the information gleaned from less frequent and less detailed tests done during her last pregnancy in New York.
A11 signs were good, he declared. The baby appeared to be larger, the heartbeat stronger than ever.
"I think you've planted a monster in me, " she complained to Garrick one afternoon when she felt particularly uncomfortable.
"Like father, like son, " he teased.
"Ah, but we don't know that. What if we get an amazon qt daughter? "
"She can be a Cyclops, for all I care, as long as she s qlilqq i, lhhich was the password. Healthy. Boy or girl, they didn't , as long as the child was born alive. qcrqeasingly, though she warned herself not to, Leah did about the child-what sex it was, what they would "qitame it, whether it would have Garnck's eyes or her hair, qqlthether it would like to read. And the more she dayqmed , the more qtervous she became, for the critical time was fast approaching. q,q;. Gamck, too, was growing nervous, and only part of it qrd to do with the coming delivery.
When he was on campus , he found himself drawn more and more often to the q lding that housed the small theater. Any number of times qhe simply stood outside and stared at it.
Then one day, with qlris hands balled into fists in the packet of his high-collared jacket, he ventured inside. Z.he theater was dim, with rows and rows of vacant seats, one of which he slipped into while he trained his eyes on the lit stage. Though he d never acted in a classic himself, he knew Chekov when he saw it. The set was distinct, as were the lines. Slouching lower, he propped his chin on a fist and watched the fledgling actors and actresses do their thing.
They were impressive, he decided after a time. Not quite there yet; but on their way. They were interrupted from time to time by the director, a woman whose voice he could hear, though he could ri t see her. The students were attentive, listening quietly to her criticism, then attempting to follow her suggestions. Sometimes they succeeded; sometimes they didn't. But they tried.
Garrick wondered what would have happened if he'd tried the way they did. He wondered whether, if he d listened to directors, perhaps taken formal acting instru tion, he would have been able to evolve into a truly go actor. He d never really given it a shot. Pagen had com along and made him a star, so he hadn't had to.
Watching the young performers, he wondered if any o them dreamed of being stars. More aptly, he wondered any of them didn't. He focused on one young man who voice wasn't quite forceful enough but whose inter pre tion was a bit more compelling than that of ttte others. would he do after college? Go to New York7 Work o , Broadway for a while? Make it to Broadway itself? Or th' beyond all that and hightail it to the coast, as he d done?
His eyes skimmed the stage again, this time alightingo a girl, blond haired and petite of build. As she moved faint bobbing of her breasts was visible beneath an over size sweatshirt that tucked snugly under her bottom. H wondered whether she was having an affair with one of th boys-perhaps the good-looking one standing off by th wings? If so, it probably wouldn't last.
If her career s passed his, she d leave him behind and move on. To what Male leads? Directors? Producers?
He wondered wlrat shed think if she knew that Greg( Reynolds was sitting at the back of the theater, watching; her. Then he snorted softly. She was too young. She probably didn't know who in the hell Greg Reynolds was!
And' besides, he reminded himself, it wasn't Greg Reynolds who' sat unnoticed. It was Garrick Rodenhiser, and unnoticed was precisely what he wanted to be.
Shoving himself up from his chair, he strode quickly out of the theater.
But he was back several days later, sitting in the same seat, '. , watching a rehearsal that had benefited from those several ' days practice and become more refined. The best of the performers were clearly emerging-the strong ones distintwelve ing themselves from the weak as the director focused qsching more and more on the latter. lie watched for file longer, not quite sure why he stayed, knowing that dn't need the knot in his belly, that there were other q he'd rather be doing, but unable to move. At last he tove, and when he reached the fresh air, he felt a d isserqse of relief. Theaters were confining things, he de
' Yet he went back again. A week later this time, and still fquite knowing why. But he was there. And this time he in his seat until the rehearsal had ended and the perers , one by one, filed past him. The director was the to leave, but while the others hadn't given him a glance :';jq they d passed, she stopped. '"qq' She was a pretty woman, Garrick noticed, viewing her q close for the first time. Tall and willowy, she had long qqrown hair that was pulled into a high clasp at her crown, Ti ' qy to tumble smoothly down from there. She wore jeans q and a heavy jacket and was clutching an armload of papers to her chest.
She was younger than he d expected, perhaps in her mid-twenties; he guessed her to be either a teaching assistant or a graduate student.
"I've seen you here before, " she said, cocking her head.
Garrick remained sprawled in his seat. "I've stopped by a few times: '"
we'll be doing the show next weqekend. I'd think you d rather see it then: '
"Rehearsals are more interesting. They allow you to see what really goes into the production: '
"Are you a student of the theater? "
He took in a breath and pushed himself straighter. "Not exactly"
"A connoisseur? "
He shrugged, then hoisted himself to his feet. He didn't miss the slight widening of the woman s eyes at his height. "Not exactly What about you?
" ' t1 grad student. We often direct undergraduate productions : When she turned and started walking toward the door, he followed. His heart was pounding in protest, but his legs seemed not to hear.
"Doing Chekov is an ambitious endeavor, " he remarked "isn't that what learning is about-challenge? "
He didzi t answer that. He d never associated the acting he d done with learning, and his major challenge had been in topping the Nielsens for the week. "Do you get much of a crowd at your shows? " he asked.
"Sometimes yes, sometimes no. This one probably won't be as well attended, since it's more serious and heavy. We 11 get some of the university types, but the local crowd is drawn to lighter things: They d passed through the lobby and reached the door, which Garrick held open with a rigid hand. As she stepped into the daylight, she looked up at him. " Do you live locally?
"For now: '
"Are you affiliated with the university? "
"I'm taking a few courses: ' They d stopped at the top of the stone steps. She was staring at him.
"Studying anything special? "
"Latin: ' She laughed. "That's an odd one: But her laughter died quickly. Her eyes were fixed on his. She frowned for an instant "Is something wrong? "
"Uh, no. You look vaguely familiar. I, uh, I don't think I know any Latin students: ' q'q~lie didn't know if it was a come-on. Yes, he thought her qractiive, but it was an objective judgment. She didn't turn qtn on in any way, shape or fashion. Still, he didn't leave. q"
" is this your first year here? " she asked as she continued to study him closely.
"Yes. " Feeling inexplicably bold despite the damp palms tire' pressed to the insides of his pockets, he returned her gaze iuiwaveringly.
"Are you a professional student? "
"Nope: '
"What did you do before you came here? "
"Work: '
"Doing... ?"
"I work up north: ' Again she frowned. Her gaze fell to his beard, then returned to his eyes.
"I'm really sorry, but you do look familiar"
"Maybe I just look like someone else, " he. suggested with an outer calm that was far from matched inside.
She started to shake her head, but paused. "That may be it:' Her eyes sharpened; Garrick noticed that they were brown, rather nondescript, nowhere near as warm or interesting as Leah's gray ones. Then she grinned. "
"That is it. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Pagen? "
"Pagen? "
"You know, the guy on television a few years back7 Actually , his name was Greg Reynolds. I was a teenager when Pagen was in his heyday He was one beautiful man: She blushed, then frowned again. " He disappeared from the scene pretty quickly after the series ended. I wonder what happened to him: '
"Maybe he left the business and went to live in the woods, " Garrick heard himself say.
"Maybe, " she mused, then her look grew skeptical. "Are you sure you're not him? " ;,;
Of course I'm not, Garrick could have said, or Are youq kidding? or No way!
Instead, and for reasons unknown to him, he shrugged.
"You are, " she said, an inkling of excitement in her voice, "You are Greg Reynolds. I can see it now. Your hair s a little different and you have a beard, but the eyes are the same.. and the mouth: She was looking at the last in a way that made him press it closed. you're not talking,
" she announced with a sage nod, then held up one hand. And your secret's safe with me. I promise : Then, suddenly, all pretense of maturity crumbled. "I don't believe it's you, " she singsonged, eyes aglitter. "What was it like in Hollywood? It musf have been so exciting doing the series! I thought you were wonderful! I'd like to be there for one day-one week-one month! You really made it. What have you done since then? Have you ever considered doing something here? You can't have retired from acting completely, not after... all that!"
"I've retired, " he said quietly, but the statement was ineffective in staunching her enthusiasm.
"I had no idea we had a celebrity in our midst. No one else did, either, or word would have spread. My students would love to meet you. You'd be an inspiration!"
He shook his head. "I think not: He took a step to leave, but she put a hand on his sleeve. " Zvlaybe you d speak before the theater group. I know the other grad students and the professors would be as excited as I am '"Thank you, but I really can't: ' When he started off, she fell into step beside him. "Just me, then. Would you let me take you to lunch some day7 You have no idea how much I'd like to hear about your ex Twelve tknces. God, they d make a fantastic book. Have you iqr thought of writing about your years as Pagen? " '"No, " he said, and quickened his step. "How about it7 Just lunch, or... or dinner7 I know a qtqistic little place that's dark and quiet. No one would I've to know we were there " I'm really not free: He strode on. "The young woman stopped, but she could ddt resist call ; after him. " Mr. Reynolds? " He didn't answer. He wasn't Mr. Reynolds. Not any ngtfr, whtt. E HE re Lqt were finishing off the last stew he d made, Garrick told her what had hapq '"
You told her who you were? " Leah asked in astonishqent It was the last thing she d have expecteqd him to do. "
"q"
"She guessed, and I didn't deny it: He was reclining in his qir, one arm hooked over its back, the other fiddling abqntly with the spoon he hadn't used. He looked nearly as qoqfused as Leah.
"It was strange. I think I' wanted her to jkqww, but for the life of me I can't understand why. You icnow how I feel about my anonymity:' He looked up, those qvonderful hazel-and-silver eyes clouded. "Why did I do that, I.eah? "