‘I don’t want to leave you, Dags!’ Paulus pleaded, his face suddenly a picture of guilt and anguish. ‘I can’t bear it. To even think of leaving you when all I’ve ever wanted is to be near you.’
Dagmar leant over and squeezed Paulus’s hand, looking into his eyes unblinkingly.
‘And I can’t bear the thought of you going, Pauly.’
‘You know that if there was anything … anything I could do,’ he began, but he could not continue because at that point Dagmar kissed him. She pushed her face forward across the remains of the picnic and locked her lips on to his.
Then her arms were around him and his around her.
It was utterly unexpected and Paulus was taken completely by surprise.
As was Otto.
Who emerged at that moment over the sand dune.
‘Oi!’ he shouted in surprise. ‘What are you two up to?’
He scrambled down the dune looking red in the face and angry.
For more than three years, ever since the night he had mugged the SA man, there had been no doubt in Otto’s mind as to who held the closer place in Dagmar’s affections, and it was him.
She liked Paulus, sure. He was like her brother. But she was
his
girl.
There had never been any doubt about it. Never on all the many outings Dagmar and he had shared since the day when Paulus had first produced his plan for them to be together. All the kisses and cuddles, the hand-holding, the shared frustration of not taking it further when they both admitted they wanted to.
And now he found, on returning after an absence of just a couple of minutes, that she was locked in an embrace with his brother.
‘Come and sit down, Ottsy,’ Dagmar said. ‘I have to tell you something. And Pauly.’
Otto did as he was told, a bewildered expression on his face.
Paulus too looked at a loss.
‘Boys,’ Dagmar said, taking a deep breath.
‘This all sounds sort of ominous, Dags,’ Paulus said, trying as ever to intellectualize the moment. To put his brain ahead of his fast beating heart.
‘Ominous?’ Otto blurted. ‘Nice kind of ominous, if you ask me. Was that a “friends”-type kiss, by the way? Because it didn’t look like a “friends”-type kiss.’
‘Hey, Ottsy,’ Paulus replied angrily. ‘We were talking about me leaving. Amazingly, Dags is sad I’m going. Is that all right with you or does she need your permission?’
‘Oh, so it was a
farewell
-type kiss then?’ Otto asked.
‘Look! I don’t need to explain—’ Paulus began.
‘Boys!’ Dagmar said sharply. ‘Please. You have to listen to me.’
The Stengel twins fell silent.
‘We’ve been best friends since we were seven,’ Dagmar went on, ‘and you know I love you both more than anything in the world. You
are
my world. Particularly now Mama has gone.’
The rain started to fall harder as she spoke, running down her cheeks and on to her bare shoulders, where it was gathering in numerous little glistening droplets. Paulus and Otto listened in silence.
‘But we’re growing up now. We’re adults, not kids, and friendship’s a different thing, isn’t it? When you’re grown up. Between boys and girls.’
Still neither boy replied, although the tension on their faces showed this was one observation that did not need making.
‘You always said that one day I’d have to choose between you, didn’t you?’
She looked from one boy to the other, her eyes big and sad.
Paulus found his voice first, although it was little more than a croak.
‘I thought you had,’ he said.
‘Yeah,’ Otto whispered, ‘so did I.’
‘I had,’ Dagmar replied, looking at Otto, ‘but it wasn’t what you thought. Or what I made you think … I’m sorry.’
The rain was falling more heavily now, splashing on the remains of the food as the inadequate covering sagged under the weight.
‘I’m in love with Paulus,’ Dagmar said quite suddenly.
Both boys looked up astonished. Their mouths dropped open in silent surprise.
‘I think I’ve known that for a year at least. Two. I don’t know. Maybe more. I didn’t want to say. I’ve never wanted to say. I shouldn’t be saying it now.’
Her voice was shaking. Perhaps she was crying, it was hard to tell with the rain.
‘Why did you kiss me,’ Otto asked, and he too looked as if he might cry, ‘that time when I brought you the buttons?’
‘I was fourteen, Otts.’
‘But since then. Lots of times.’
‘I
wanted
to love you, Otto. I prayed that I could fall in love with you because I knew Pauly would one day have to go. That I
mustn’t
love him because he would leave. That he would leave me and I’d be left alone and my damned life was going to be dreadful and hellish enough without a broken heart.’
Otto wiped angrily at his eyes.
Dagmar reached out to touch his hand but Otto pulled it away.
‘I like you, Otts. I
love
you too,’ she pleaded, ‘I really do. You know that. But not how I love Pauly …’
Her voice trailed away. She turned to Paulus as if willing him to say something.
‘But …’ Paulus began, ‘why have you never said?’
‘Why do you think! Because you have a chance and I don’t! And I never ever wanted to say anything to stop you. I knew you loved me and if I’d come to you a year or two years ago and told you I loved you, if I’d been your girl, would you have written all those visa letters? Would you have tried so hard? Would you ever have applied for that ticket that came this morning? Would you? If I’d been your girl?’
Paulus bit his lip.
‘No, of course you wouldn’t. I know you. You’re both the same, you Stengel twins. You and Ottsy, the loyalest, bravest, best boys alive on this earth and I don’t deserve either of you. And now I shan’t
have
either of you because it’s all set and that’s fine and as it ought to be. You have your place and your ticket and you’ll
live
, which is all I want. And Ottsy will be sent into the army, and whatever happens to me is my fate, that’s all. And that’s fine too because what will be will be. I kept my secret, Pauly, because I’d die before I’d stand in the way of your trying to get out. But now it’s done and all our paths are set, I couldn’t let you go without you knowing, Pauly. That’s all. That wherever you go in the world, whoever you find in your life, there is … or there was … once a girl in Germany who loved you with all her heart.’
Otto scrambled to his feet.
‘I’m getting out of here,’ he said, trying to sound strong. In control of his emotions. But failing miserably. ‘I’ll see you two around, I guess.’
‘Ottsy!’ Dagmar called. ‘Please, stay with us.’
‘Can’t,’ Ottsy croaked, turning away. ‘Gotta go.’
He ran back up the sand dune, clearly aware that were he to stay a moment longer he would bawl like a baby, and Otto was not the type of boy to want to be seen crying. Not by his brother, and not by the girl who had broken his heart.
After he had scurried away, a long silence ensued.
Paulus looked up and then looked down and then at the sky and the lake. Then he seemed about to say something, but could think of nothing to say.
Instead he kissed her. Just as she had kissed him. Long, passionately, putting his hand behind her head and pressing her face to his.
They kissed for a long time before either of them spoke again. Once more it was Dagmar who seemed to be clearer in her thoughts.
‘I’m sorry I told you, Pauly,’ she said. ‘I had always planned not to. But then I changed my mind. I thought maybe it would help you … sort of sustain you. You’ve got a long road ahead.’
‘Dagmar,’ Paulus replied, finally breaking his silence. ‘You loving me is the best thing that’s ever happened in my life.’
Then they heard steps. For a moment they thought it was Otto returning.
But it wasn’t Otto. Instead a different young man appeared. One who looked about sixteen.
In the uniform of the Hitler Youth.
‘Hey, lads!’ the boy shouted out, beckoning to beyond the dunes. ‘Come here.’
Paulus swallowed hard. He should have been more careful, more aware. Everybody knew that out in the countryside the Hitler Youth and the League of German Maidens were everywhere, camping, marching, singing.
Spying.
Having Otto with them had allowed him to relax. But now Otto was gone.
With a rattle of boots and leather suddenly there were ten more of them, black shorts, brown shirts, swastika armbands. The two troop leaders had daggers at their belts.
‘Heil Hitler, lads,’ said Paulus with a cheerful grin, getting to his feet and delivering the German salute. ‘Cold weather for a dip, eh?’
‘Heil Hitler,’ the lead boy replied. ‘Please may I see your identification papers.’
Paulus had guessed it was coming. One of the principal duties of the Hitler Youth was to act as an observation auxiliary to the police. They were charged with the task of spying on the whole community, including their own families. Jews everywhere had learnt to beware these brown-shirted gangs of self-important young zealots, for if they found you where you shouldn’t be, there was no possibility of getting away.
‘Sorry, pals, can’t do it,’ Paulus said. ‘Left them up with our stuff. Miles away. Didn’t want them getting wet or lost in the sand.’
He knew it was a pathetic effort, but what effort would not have been? They were trapped. Ten eager little Nazis wanted to see their papers, desperate to catch an army deserter or a malingerer from state labour, or best of all a Jew where a Jew was banned. They would no doubt get an armful of extra badges for such a coup.
‘You will take us to where you have left your papers, please,’ the troop leader said. Paulus began to protest but the boy cut him short. ‘Or you will come with us! And I warn you, if you waste our time it will be the worse for you.’
‘Hey, lads,’ Paulus said, trying hard to maintain his pretence at comradely familiarity, ‘this skirt, she’s not mine, she’s another guy’s. If we go back together he’ll—’
‘If you cannot produce identification papers, you will come with us this instant,’ the leader barked.
‘Yeah! And her, she can come with us too,’ another lad, who held a dagger, said, smirking. ‘If she’ll go with this guy, she’ll go with anyone.’
Paulus glanced at Dagmar. Her face white with fear.
The gang of youths now surrounded them. Dagmar got to her feet, taking up a wet towel to fold around herself, looking utterly vulnerable in her baggy bathing suit.
‘Look, guys,’ Paulus began, struggling to keep his voice steady.
‘Silence!’ the first lad shouted. ‘I will give you one more chance and one alone to produce your papers.’
Paulus could only stand and stare, his brain working furiously. He could feel Dagmar shaking beside him.
The other troop leader spoke up. He was clearly the one to worry about. His face was nasty and sly. The first boy was trying to be correct but the other one just wanted to have some fun. If they were to be beaten where they stood, or worse, it would be him who would instigate it.
‘Are you Jews?’ the sixteen-year-old said cruelly, still smirking.
‘Yes, I think perhaps you are.’
He took a step forward, then another, until he was standing quite close to Dagmar. He breathed in deeply.
‘Yes,’ he said, ‘I think I smell Jews.’
He was looking hard at Dagmar.
All the boys were looking at Dagmar.
‘We must take them to the police,’ the first leader said. ‘That is our duty as per our instructions.’
‘You think I’m a Jew, you little bastard!’ Paulus blurted. ‘How about you take a look at my dick, huh?’
Would the old trick work again? It was a horrible prospect but preferable to capture.
‘Don’t be disgusting!’ the first leader barked. ‘You insult the badge I wear. The only thing I wish to see of yours is your papers.’
‘
Her
, on the other hand,’ the second leader leered, ‘we could see more of.’
‘No!’ the first said angrily, ‘none of that, Alex! We must take them to the police.’
Paulus weighed up the difference between the two senior figures in the gang, his mind searching desperately for a way to use it to his advantage.
‘Yes,’ Paulus said, ‘let’s go to the police at once and when I’ve made a call or two you’ll see what a mistake you’re making.’
‘I said silence!’ the first of the two shouted.
‘You have no right to shout at me, kid!’ Paulus shouted back. ‘I am a grown man! Soon I’ll be a soldier. I have my call-up papers already. Now, if you really insist on ruining my day, then let’s get on with it. Come on. We’ll go to the police now. But let me tell you, son, when we next meet there won’t be ten of you, there’ll be just you and me, and I’ll make you wish you’d never met me.’