Two For Joy (37 page)

‘That other yoke arrived with a wilted bunch of flowers and a teddy-bear and he'd been drinking.' Noreen led the way into the hospital and up the stairs towards the private rooms.

‘How's the baby doing?' Oliver asked.

‘Very well for a premmie. He's a lovely little chap. She asked me to be godmother.' She arched an eyebrow at him.

‘How do you feel about that?' Oliver slanted a glance at her.

‘I was surprised. I thought Rita was earmarked for that position. She said it was because I was with her, and to tell the truth I'm glad I was. She won't be getting much support from that bollox, I wouldn't say. She even apologized for not helping out more with Mam. She said she was really sorry.'

‘And what did you say?' Oliver was more than surprised at this revelation.

‘What could I say, Oliver? There's no point in holding on to old grudges. At least she had the grace to apologize. She was very upset about it. Hormones all over the place, I suppose. I told her to forget about it and concentrate on getting back to strength for the baby.'

‘Good girl, Noreen. It's best to let bygones be bygones,' Oliver approved warmly and they smiled at each other, a touch of their old affection breaking through as they walked down the corridor to Maura's room.

‘Oh … hello, Oliver. Thanks for coming up.' Maura was surprised to see him.

‘It's just for a minute. I'm sure you're tired after all the hard work. This might refresh you.' Oliver smiled at his sister-in-law and handed her the bottle of champagne.

‘Well, thank you, Oliver. Oh, it's Moët,' she said, delighted.

‘I'll take charge of that,' Andy declared jocosely.

‘No you won't,' Maura said sharply, putting it in her bedside locker.

‘So, Maura, when will you be able to take the baby home?' Oliver asked.

‘They said it shouldn't be too long. He's in an incubator and when his weight comes up to five pounds and they're happy with his progress they'll let me have him,' Maura said. ‘Would you like to look in at him? I'm going down to feed him.'

Oliver looked at Noreen. ‘We can have a look at him on the way out, we'll walk down to Special Care with Maura,' she said as she handed her sister her dressing-gown.

‘I'll wait outside,' Oliver said hastily as Maura made to get out of bed.

‘Are you going to come and see your son?' she turned to Andy.

‘I suppose I'd better see if he's a chip off the old block,' he agreed, and Noreen couldn't get over his casual attitude. They made their way to the unit and watched as Maura went in and lifted the baby out of the incubator. She brought him to the window and stood proudly with him in her arms.

‘That's my boy!' Andy exclaimed. Oliver forced a smile. He was glad for his sister-in-law that all had gone well but today was possibly the worst day ever for him to have to oohh and aahh over a baby. Looking at Maura's proud expression brought it home forcibly to him just what Noreen was being denied. Seeing Maura's reaction to her child, he began to understand the strength of Noreen's desire to have a baby. And because of him she might never experience her greatest desire. He felt awful. A failure as a man and a husband.

‘We should go and give them some privacy,' he said quietly to Noreen.

‘Arrah, stay for another while and we'll go for a pint,' Andy urged.

‘No thanks, Andy, I want to get going, I've a busy day ahead of me tomorrow,' Oliver replied politely. Noreen muttered a brusque goodbye. She was raging with his carry-on.

‘Did you ever see the likes of him, he should be ashamed of himself,' she complained as they walked towards Merrion Square.

‘He's a cool customer all right.' Oliver marched along, forcing her to quicken her pace.

‘Would you slow down a bit, Oliver, we're not in a race,' Noreen protested.

‘Sorry. I'm tired. I just want to get home.'

‘I'll drive if you want,' she offered.

‘Ah, you're all right, you're probably tired too after being at the … being with Maura,' he amended.

‘She was very good actually, she did what she had to do without any fuss.' Noreen felt herself begin to relax. It was the first time in weeks that they'd had a normal conversation. She was half tempted to ask him would he like to go somewhere for a meal but he looked really whacked.

‘It's over there,' Oliver took her arm to cross the road. He was a real gentleman in that regard. She'd always liked his courteous ways. Maybe things might start improving between them. The new baby had brought healing to her and Maura's relationship, Oliver had been proud of her when he'd congratulated her on letting bygones be bygones. She should try and do the same with him. Try and put those wounding words out of her head, not give them any more space.

She got into the car feeling easier with him than she had for a long time.

30

Fourteen straight hours on a building site wouldn't have left him as tired, Oliver felt as he sat in the Haven with Noreen waiting for their meal to be served. She had asked him on the way home if he'd like to stop for a meal somewhere, but under the circumstances he hadn't felt like going anywhere posh, so he'd asked if she minded if he kept on driving and having something to eat in Kilronan.

‘Suits me fine, too,' she said tiredly, and his heart sank once more at the prospect of telling her his news. Noreen deserved better, he thought disconsolately. She was a good woman, she'd be a loving mother. All the unwanted children in the world, and she, who wanted one so badly, was deprived. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right. Should he say to her that if she wanted to find someone else, she should do so, he wondered? But, especially after his unkind words at Christmas, she'd surely think that he didn't love her or was trying to get rid of her and that was not what he wanted. He just wanted for her to be happy. She looked weary as she sat sipping her glass of wine. And she'd got thinner, he noticed. Weight she could ill afford to lose. There was no happiness in their marriage and it was taking its toll on her. He'd want to start making a bit more of an effort. The last couple of weeks had seen them drifting further apart. That was no way to live.

‘Traffic was brutal, wasn't it?' he remarked, fiddling with a vinegar sachet.

‘I'd hate to have to commute,' Noreen said. She made a face. ‘When I was standing outside the hospital it reminded me of being in London. I drove in city traffic for years over there and never thought anything about it.'

‘I'd go crazy being stuck in traffic like that day in, day out,' Oliver said truthfully. ‘But you know me, no patience.'

‘Ah, you're not that bad,' she said lightly.

‘You know I'm sorry about what I said,' he said awkwardly.

‘Let's forget it, Oliver, and start over,' Noreen said quietly. ‘It's been horrible.'

‘I know. I don't like not talking.' He was half tempted to tell her about his tests but a pub lounge was not the place to tell a woman she might never have a child, he thought ruefully as the waitress placed a plate of steak, onions and chips in front of him and a smoked salmon salad in front of Noreen. Let her eat her meal in peace, she'd be in turmoil soon enough.

They ate in silence. But it wasn't an uncomfortable one, and he was glad when Noreen ordered dessert for herself. The lounge was starting to fill up and the sound of talk and laughter was relaxing and brought a little balm to him after his day.

‘Have another pint and I'll have another glass of wine,' Noreen suggested.

‘OK so.' He smiled at her, glad that at least they were back on speaking terms. It would have been a nightmare to have to tell her the news when they were hostile with each other. He watched a couple walk over to a table in the corner with their arms around each other's waists. The girl was glowing, smiling at her boyfriend, engrossed in him with eyes for no one else. It was touching to see, but he wondered how long it would last when life's hard knocks began to take their toll.

Don't be such a cynical bastard,
he reproved silently. Just because he and Noreen were having problems didn't mean everyone else would have them.

By ten thirty he was yawning his head off. Two return trips to Dublin after a sleepless night had been a killer and all he wanted to do was get into bed. ‘Are you ready to go home?' he asked.

‘Yeah, it's been a long day.' Noreen shrugged into her coat and linked her arm into his. Just like old times, he thought heavily, except that everything had changed only she didn't realize it yet. The nearer he got to home the more heavy-hearted he got. He wished he could tell her and get it over with. When was the right time? Was there a right time? He followed her into the house and hung up his coat.

‘Will I come back from Siberia?' Noreen smiled up at him when he said goodnight.

‘Will you get a flight at such short notice?' he teased as he put an affectionate arm around her and they walked up to their bedroom together.

‘I need to have a quick shower, Oliver. It was awfully stuffy in the hospital. I used to be used to that too,' she said ruefully as she slipped out of her trousers and polo-neck and threw them in the linen basket. Oliver sat on the end of the bed and unbuckled his belt. His stomach was tied up in knots. He could hear the sound of the shower spray. Should he tell her now or let her have a good night's sleep? He kicked off his shoes and socks, pulled the rest of his clothes off and got into bed, remembering to stay on his own side. For the past few weeks he'd sprawled spread-eagled in the middle.

The sheets were cold. He was cold. He lay tense in the bed until she came out of the ensuite. ‘Feel better after that?'

‘I certainly do.' She slipped out of her towel and slid in under the duvet. ‘Oh God, it's freezing.' She snuggled in immediately and he put his arms around her. ‘Put the light out,' she whispered.

‘OK,' he whispered back as she raised her lips to his. They kissed tentatively and then with more passion as their bodies moulded together in old remembered positions, hands stroking and touching, caressing and teasing. She was stroking him, arousing him, when he suddenly remembered his test results. To his horror he felt himself grow soft and in the light of a stray beam of moonlight that drifted in through the window he saw the dismay in her eyes.

‘Sorry, sorry,' he muttered, turning away.

‘It's OK, Oliver, it's been a long day. You're tired. Go to sleep.' She leaned over, kissed him and put her arms around him. He closed his eyes and clenched his hands and felt more shattered than he'd ever felt in his life.

*   *   *

Noreen lay beside Oliver, wide-eyed. She tried to tell herself that Oliver was tired. He'd had a couple of pints. Pete was never able to perform after a few pints, she reassured herself, but she couldn't quell the bubbles of fear that were rising uncontrollably. Maybe he no longer wanted her. Maybe he'd only been doing a duty shag. Oliver was as healthy as an ox and had never had trouble doing the business.

Why did it have to happen tonight, just when things were getting back on an even keel? She'd been enjoying their intimacy. The feel of his arms around her had been comforting and reassuring and at the back of her mind she was heartily relieved that they were making love again. Conception had some chance of occurring at least. It had none when they were sleeping in separate rooms.

Poor Oliver. At least women could fake it, men couldn't. Knowing her husband as well as she did, she knew he'd be mortified by this insult to his manhood. But there was no point in saying anything, no point in even trying to reassure him. That would only make him feel worse. He couldn't bear to get into a discussion about it. He would hug that to himself now, the barriers would go up and she'd never hear another word about it.

Hopefully it was only tiredness – the last thing they needed was impotency to add to their problems. She closed her eyes and drew deep even breaths trying to relax enough to sleep. She remembered the tiny little hands of Maura's baby and his little scrunched-up face and envied her sister so badly she could almost taste it. The longing overwhelmed her and hot tears slid down her cheeks. How could the pain of wanting feel so physical, she wondered, feeling the ache so strong it almost smothered her. Did her sister know how truly blessed she was?

She remembered Andy. Well, every cloud had a silver lining, it had to be said. Who'd want the likes of him to be father to their child? Who'd want to be married to him? Maura certainly had her own problems, she acknowledged. Oliver was a stalwart husband, a man of integrity, and she had got the far better man. It was a comfort of sorts, she reminded herself, before she eventually drifted off to sleep.

*   *   *

The dawn chorus woke him and for a moment he lay comfortably in that relaxed place between sleeping and waking, until he remembered the events of the day and night before and the heavy burden of turmoil descended once more. Noreen lay beside him breathing evenly, her face, relaxed in repose.

Maybe last night was a once-off, a fluke, he thought miserably. Bad enough that he couldn't father a child without being a bloody eunuch as well. Just say he was never able to perform again. A deep spasm of dread twisted his guts. He was only gone thirty and he enjoyed sex as much as the next man. The nightmare his life had turned into was getting worse.

Apprehensively he slipped his hand down between his legs and tried to get some response. Nothing was happening, not a quiver. Noreen stirred beside him and he put his hands behind his head, almost guiltily.
Go back to sleep, woman,
he willed her silently, but she rubbed her eyes and opened them.

‘Morning,' he said quietly.

‘Good morning, Oliver. Did you sleep well?' she murmured.

‘Well enough,' he lied.

She raised herself up on one elbow and traced a finger along his stubbly jaw. ‘It's nice to wake up in the same bed as you again,' she said softly.