Ubu Plays, The (4 page)

THE KING. Prince Boggerlas, you were extremely cheeky this morning to Master Ubu, Knight of my Orders and Count of Sandomir. Therefore I forbid you to appear at our Grand Review.

THE QUEEN. But, Wenceslas, you will need every single member of your family around you to protect you vigilantly today.

THE KING. Madam, I never take back what I’ve said. You bore me with your idle chatter.

BOGGERLAS. My royal father, I submit.

THE QUEEN. Really, Sire, are you quite determined to attend this Parade ?

THE KING. Pray, Madam, why not?

THE QUEEN. I’ll tell you once more. I saw him in a dream, smiting you with massed weapons and throwing you into the Vistula, and an eagle like that which figures in the Arms of Poland placing the crown on his head.

THE KING. Whose head?

THE QUEEN. Old Ubu’s.

THE KING. Ridiculous! The Lord Ubu is a most worthy gentleman who would let himself be dragged apart by wild horses rather than betray my interests.

THE QUEEN and BOGGERLAS
(together).
How wrong you are!

THE KING, Silence, young rascal. And as for you, Madam, to show you what complete confidence I have in Master Ubu, I shall attend the Grand Review as I am, without sword and breastplate.

THE QUEEN. What fatal rashness! I shall never see you again alive.

THE KING. Come, Ladislas. Come, Boleslas.

They go out.
THE QUEEN and BOGGERLAS go to
the window.

THE QUEEN
and
BOGGERLAS
(together).
May God and the great Saint Nicholas protect you!

THE QUEEN. Boggerlas, accompany me to the chapel to pray for your father and your brothers.

The Parade Ground.

THE POLISH ARMY, THE KING, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS, PA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE and
his
MERRY MEN, GYRON, HEADS, TAILS.

THE KING. Noble Master Ubu, enter the royal enclosure with your followers, and we will review the march past together.

PA UBU
(to his
HENCHMEN). Look sharp, you clots. (To THE KING.) Coming, Sire, coming.

UBU’S MEN
surround
THE KING.

THE KING. Ah, there’s my regiment of Danziger Horseguards. What a magnificent spectacle!

PA UBU. You think so ? They look to me like something the cat brought in. Look at that one!
(Pointing to a soldier.)
How many days since you last had a shave, you lousy scum ?

THE KING. But this soldier is very well turned out. What on earth is the matter with you, Old Ubu ?

PA UBU. This! (He
stamps
on THE KING’S
foot,)

THE KING. Treason!

PA UBU. PSCHITT. Rally round me, my fine fellows.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Up guards and at him! Hurrah!

All
strike THE KING.
A
PALCONTENT
explodes.

THE KING. Help, help! Holy Virgin, I’m dying.

BOLESLAS (to LADISLAS). What’s going on? Have at them!

PA UBU. Ha! I have the crown. Now for the others.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Death to the traitors!

The King’s
SONS
flee. All pursue them.

THE QUEEN
and
BOGGERLAS.

THE QUEEN. At last I begin to feel reassured.

BOGGERLAS. You have nothing to be afraid of. (A
fearful din is heard outside.)
Oh no! What do I see? My two brothers pursued by Old Ubu and his men.

THE QUEEN. Oh God! Holy Virgin, they are losing ground.

BOGGERLAS. The whole army is following Ubu. The King is no longer there. It’s horrible. Help, help!

THE QUEEN. Now Boleslas is dead! Struck by a fatal bullet.

BOGGERLAS. Ho there! (LADISLAS
turns round.)
Defend yourself. Bravo, Ladislas !

THE QUEEN. Oh! he’s surrounded.

BOGGERLAS. He’s done for. M’Nure has just split him in two like a sausage.

THE QUEEN. Help, help! Those maniacs have forced their way into the palace. They’re coming up the stairs.

The din grows louder.

BOGGERLAS. Oh, that vile Ubu, wretch, rascal, I’d just like to get hold of him ...

The same. The door is broken in.
PA UBU
enters, followed by his mob of
LUNATICS.

PA UBU. Oh, you would, would you, Boggerlas ? And what, pray, would you do to me ?

BOGGERLAS. By God’s will, I shall defend my mother to the death. The first man to take a step forward is as good as dead.

PA UBU. M’Nure, I’m scared. Get me out of here.

A SOLDIER
(advances).
Boggerlas, surrender.

BOGGERLAS. Here’s one for you, you dog!
(He splits his skull).

THE QUEEN. That’s the spirit, Boggerlas, keep it up!

SEVERAL (
advancing
)
.
Boggerlas, we promise to save your life.

BOGGERLAS. Blackguards, wine-bladders, mercenary scum.

He flourishes his sword and massacres the lot of them.

PA UBU. Bother ! But I’ll still win in the end.

BOGGERLAS. Mother, escape by the secret staircase.

THE QUEEN. And you, my son, what about you?

BOGGERLAS. I’ll follow you.

PA UBU. Quick. Capture the Queen. Drat, she’s got away. As for you, you little worm ! ...
(He advances on
BOGGERLAS.)

BOGGERLAS. Ah! by God’s will, here’s my vengeance!

He rips open
PA UBU’
s boodle with a terrible sword-thrust.
Mother, I follow you!

He
disappears by the secret staircase.

A cavern in the mountains.

BOGGERLAS
enters, followed
by QUEEN ROSAMUND.

BOGGERLAS. Here we shall be safe.

THE QUEEN. Oh, I do hope so. Boggerlas, support me!

She falls on the snow.

BOGGERLAS. What ails you, mother dear?

THE QUEEN. I am sick unto death, Boggerlas, and fear I have only a few hours to live.

BOGGERLAS. What! have you caught a chill?

THE QUEEN. How do you think I can stand up to so many misfortunes ? The King murdered, our family destroyed, and you, a scion of the noblest race that ever carried a sword, forced to flee to the mountains like a common smuggler ?

BOGGERLAS. And by whom, great God, by whom? A vulgar wretch like Ubu, a common little adventurer, a mister nobody from nowhere, fat toad, stinking tramp! And when I think that my father decorated him and made him a count, and the very next day that villain shamelessly laid violent hands on him.

THE QUEEN. O Boggerlas! When I think how happy we all were before that wicked Old Ubu arrived on the scene. But now, alas, everything is changed.

BOGGERLAS. What can we do, but wait in hope and never renounce our rights ?

THE QUEEN. I long for your just restitution, my dear child, but I fear that I myself shall never see that happy day.

BOGGERLAS. Here, what’s come over you? She grows pale, she swoons ! Help, help ! But we are alone in the wilderness ! My God, her heart has stopped beating. She is dead. Can it be possible ? Yet another victim of the fiendish Ubu! I

He buries his face in his hands and weeps.

Ah God, how tragic to find oneself all alone at the age of fourteen with a terrible vengeance to pursue!

He
falls prey to the most violent despair.

Meanwhile, the
SOULS
of
WENCESLAS, BOLESLAS, LADISLAS
and
ROSAMUND
enter the cavern. The oldest of them approaches

BOGGERLAS
and rouses him gently from his stupor.

BOGGERLAS. Ah ! What do I see? My whole family, my ancestors ... What miracle is this ?

THE SHADE. Learn, Boggerlas, that during my lifetime I was Lord Mathias of Königsberg, the first king - and founder - of our House. I leave our vengeance in your hands. (He
presents him with an enormous sword.)
And may this sword which I present to you know no rest until it shall have dealt death to the usurper.

All vanish, and BOGGERLAS remains alone in an attitude of ecstasy.

The King’s Palace.

PA UBU, MA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE.

PA UBU. No! nothing doing, I say! Do you want to ruin me just for these buffoons ?

CAPTAIN MACNURE. But look here, Old Ubu, don’t you see that your people are expecting gifts to celebrate your glorious coronation ?

MA UBU. If you don’t give them a great feast and plenty of gold, you’ll be overthrown in a couple of hours.

PA UBU. A feast, yes, but money, never! Slaughter three old nags, that’s quite good enough for such scum.

MA UBU. Scum yourself! How did such a crummy creature as you ever get slapped together ?

PA UBU. Do I have to repeat myself? I intend to get rich, I won’t fork out a penny.

MA UBU. Don’t forget you hold in your hands all the treasure of Poland !

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Yes, I know where there’s a vast hoard hidden in the chapel; let’s distribute that.

PA UBU. Just you try that on, you wretch.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Listen, Old Ubu, if you don’t distribute some money, no one will want to pay their taxes.

PA UBU. Is that really true?

MA UBU. Yes, yes!

PA UBU. Oh, in that case, I agree to everything. Bring up two or three million gold pieces, roast a hundred and fifty oxen and the same number of sheep, and see that there’s plenty left over for me.

They go out.

The Courtyard of the Palace, full of People.

PA UBU,
crowned,
MA UBU, CAPTAIN MACNURE, LACKEYS
loaded with dishes of roast meat.

PEOPLE. There’s the King! Long live the King! Hurrah!

PA UBU
(throwing gold).
Here, you, catch. Don’t thank me. All this throwing gold away is no pleasure to me at all, but my old woman insisted. At least, promise you’ll pay your taxes now.

ALL. Yes, yes!

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Just look, Madam Ubu, how they are fighting over the gold. What a battle!

MA UBU. Perfectly dreadful! Ugh! there’s one who’s had his skull bashed in.

PA UBU. What a beautiful sight! Bring up more chests of gold. CAPTAIN MACNURE. How about organizing a race?

PA UBU. Yes, that’s an idea. (To
the
PEOPLE.) My friends, you see this chest full of gold ? It contains three hundred thousand rose-nobles in gold, all genuine Polish coin of the realm. Those who want to run in the race go to the end of the courtyard. You start running when I wave my handkerchief, and the winner gets the chest. And for the losers, there’s this second chest of gold to share out as a booby prize.

ALL. Yes! Long live Old Ubu! What a decent King! We never had fun like this during the reign of Wenceslas.

PA UBU
(to
MA UBU
, joyfully
)
.
Just listen to them!

All the
PEOPLE
line up at the far end of the courtyard.

PA UBU. One, two, three! Are you ready?

ALL. Yes! Yes!

PA UBU. Go!

They start running. Tripping, tumbling and falling over each other. Cries and tumult.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. They’re coming! They’re coming!

PA UBU. Ha! The one in front is losing ground.

MA UBU. No, he’s ahead again.

CAPTAIN MACNURE. Oh! he’s losing, he’s losing! All over! It’s the other one.

The one who had been second finishes first.

ALL. Long live Michael Federovitch ! Long live Michael Federovitch !

MICHAEL FEDEROVITCH. Sire, I really don’t know how to thank Your Majesty ...

PA UBU. Oh, my dear friend, it’s nothing. Take that chest home with you, Michael. And the rest of you share the other chest: each take a gold piece until there are none left.

ALL. Long live Michael Federovitch ! Long live Old Ubu

PA UBU. All of you, my friends, come and dine with me. The gates of my palace are open to you today, please honour me with your presence at table.

PEOPLE. In we go! In we go! Long live Old Ubu! The noblest of all monarchs !

They enter the Palace. The noise of the orgy, which lasts till the following day, can be heard. The curtain falls.

The Palace.

PA UBU, MA UBU.

PA UBU. By my green candle, behold me, monarch of this fair land. I’ve already got the gut-ache from overeating, and soon they are going to bring in my great bonnet.

MA UBU. What’s it made of, my beloved lord and master? Because, even though we are now King and Queen, we’ve still got to be economical.

PA UBU. Madam my female, it’s of sheepskin, with a clasp and tie-strings of doghide.