The only reason why I stepped out on that stage to sing all those days ago was because Duane was there. Could I do it without him? Was it a one-time, bold thing I did because I didn’t really think about it? Can I get over my past and find a way to live my passion again?
I honestly don’t know, and not knowing, sort of, sucks—it sucks bad.
“I have complete faith that you’ll do what you love again.”
“Really?”
“Red, yes, really. I’ll be there with you, every step of the way—encouraging you, and rooting for you. Front and center, every performance. You don’t have to be afraid to live anymore.”
I turn my head into his chest and nod my head. “Okay.”
Rubbing his hand up and down my arm, he takes a big breath. “But, just as important as your passion is, I need you to understand something else.”
“What’s that, Cowboy?”
“I will never try to replace Kyle. He’ll always be in your heart. I just hope you can find some space in there for me, too.” He pauses, thinking of the next thing to say. “I know he’s important, I don’t ever want to take that away from you.”
He says it with such sincerity and desperation, I cry. I didn’t even have to explain why I have had such a hard time dating. Most men would hear my past and be out the door before I could finish my story.
That’s when I know.
I silently thank Kyle. I know he picked this man out for me. He had a strong hand in me finding Duane. No one but Kyle could send someone so understanding.
“I didn’t know if I could make room, truthfully. I didn’t think I had the ability to even date again, but knowing you understand my past and accept it—and accept me—that changes things. You just changed all of my plans.”
“I don’t understand,” Duane says with a confused expression.
I bring my hand to his face and stroke his cheek. “I’ve never been open to a relationship. I never thought anyone would understand me, or my situation, but you do. You changed things for me. I planned on being alone; I had accepted the fact I’d never find love again. Every plan I had in my life consisted of me living by myself forever.”
Duane grabs under my arms, and pulls me up, as if I weigh nothing. He sits us up together, and brushes the hair from my face.
“This is it. That one defining moment in our lives. Are we going to run for the hills because we’re afraid to get hurt?” He asks, speaking to my worried soul.
“You changed my life, too, Ann. You aren’t alone. I’ve never met anyone like you. Let’s never forget the past. Let’s relish in the fact that you’re here today, with me. Let’s live life for Kyle.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and nod my head, unable to form any sort of response.
“Let’s start fresh, okay? Let’s imagine I’m not your lawyer. I’m just going to take care of you. You don’t need to question my intentions or my reasoning.” He smiles. “I want you, my feisty, full-of-life-girl. I don’t ever see that changing, and you shouldn’t either.”
We’ve yet to
truly
kiss, and I can’t help myself any longer, I catch his face in my hands and bring it close to mine, almost kissing. Duane places his hands on my hands, and lightly brushes his lips to mine.
I think I might combust if he doesn’t kiss me soon.
“I’m going to kiss you now, Ann. Please tell me that’s okay, even after everything we just said, I need to hear you say you want it, too.”
Without answering, I crush my lips to his. A groan escapes my mouth. His perfect lips mold to mine effortlessly. He growls, and something primal snaps in me.
Jesus, he’s sexy.
I’m going to admit it—I want him. No more beating around the bush. I’m not running for the hills, I’m setting up shop and never leaving.
Tangling my hands in his hair, he pulls me on top of him so I’m straddling his middle. He runs his hands down my back, sending chills up my spine, and then rests them on my hips. Lightly brushing his fingertips along the edge of my shirt, he grazes my bare skin and goose bumps automatically break out under his hands. I smile against his mouth.
“There’s my girl,” he coos.
He breaks the kiss to bring his lips to my neck, then delicately to my collarbone, across my chest and up the other side of my face. Just when I think he’s done, he brings his mouth to my earlobe and sucks. I hiss through my teeth to keep from unraveling. Duane must hear the sound that comes out of my mouth because he tightens his grip and gives me one last kiss.
“That was some kiss, Red,” he whispers.
I bring my forehead to his and nod, licking my lips. “I’d say. Thank you for understanding me.”
He’s opened the floodgates. I don’t think he has any idea how much he’s already helped heal me.
“I’ll never get used to kissing you,” he admits, nipping at my neck.
His hand travels from the bottom of my back up to my neck and he guides my face back toward his. When he catches my mouth with his, he sucks on my bottom lip.
I haven’t been truly kissed since Kyle. To say I’m a bit out of practice would be an understatement.
I wonder if he can tell.
Maybe he felt a sudden tension in my body, because he pushes me back so that my head is at the foot of the bed, and he lies on top of me. His strong arms quiver a bit as he holds himself up, trying not to crush me. While I appreciate the gesture, I want to feel him. Bringing my hands above my head, I intertwine our fingers, and bring them together.
We make out like a bunch of teenagers and it’s exactly what I need. Each kiss brings me closer to Duane. Each kiss makes me realize I can do this with him and that I can be his and still love Kyle, too.
The front door downstairs slams shut. I groan.
Jason has shitty timing.
Duane’s head snaps up, and a smile breaks out on his face. “I hope this wasn’t inappropriate considering all that just happened today, but I’m so glad we talked.”
I rub his arms. “You’re glad we talked, huh? Or, are you glad we kissed?”
Duane gets a funny look on his face. He scrunches his lips and looks off to the side, playing with the now-tousled comforter. “Both.” He deeply kisses me again, putting all of his intentions into this sole kiss. “Definitely, both.”
I run my hands up and down his back, and feel the muscles flex as I massage my way down.
“Mmm, that feels good.”
My hands instantly stop, and I giggle. “Oh, I better stop, then.”
Duane snorts and rises up. “My feisty girl. Come on, let’s get up.”
He pulls me upright, and I turn to look at the fluffy mess of blankets. “We didn’t get to take our nap,” I pout.
Duane turns to look at the bed. “It is extra comfortable. Want to try again later?”
My face lights up, breaking into a huge smile and I throw myself into his arms. “God, yes.”
He brings his arms around my waist and holds me close. “We have forever, Ann. Remember that.”
He kisses my cheek and leads me to the living room downstairs. There’s a very good chance I floated down the stairs and that my feet didn’t even touch the ground.
Jason is on his phone when we walk hand-in-hand down the staircase. His eyes widen, and he smiles at us.
“Hey, I gotta go. I’ll call you back later,” he says while gesturing for us to come toward him. He breaks his stare to turn off his phone. “You two look awfully cozy,” he states with a hint of sarcasm.
Duane grips my hand and plays along. “Yep,” he kisses me, “you missed a lot.”
Jason claps his hands together once and smiles. “I’m glad to hear it.” He pauses and heads toward the kitchen counter. “Since I’m home early, let’s make dinner and you two can catch me up.”
“Thank God.” I really didn’t want to grill those steaks outside in the heat. I’ve officially become a pansy. Summers in Arizona are too harsh for my blood anymore.
We join Jason in the kitchen to help. The men prepare the meat while I make the sides. Jason and Duane laugh and mess around while I chop and dice veggies. Every once in a while, Duane walks by and brings his hands to my hips, giving them a squeeze. Playing with him, I pop a veggie or two in his mouth, acting nonchalant.
He quietly moans in my ear, making my cheeks flush.
“I love that blush, Red. It suits you,” he whispers.
I smirk, without looking up, and continue making dinner.
The boys head outside leaving me alone in the house when my phone starts ringing. I smile at the name I see.
“Hi, best friend. I miss you,” I answer.
“I miss you, too,” Liv says. “How is everything? I haven’t heard from you and thought I’d check in. I know you only left yesterday, but it seems like forever since I’ve seen you.”
She doesn’t know the half of it.
“I know. So much has happened since we got here,” I reply.
“First things first,” she says. “How’s Mr. Delicious Lawyer Man?”
I can only imagine what’s going through her mind. “Well, we kind of, maybe, kissed a little…” I trail off, waiting for her reaction.
Liv gasps and I hear shuffling like she just lunged from her seat.
“Holy shit!” She exclaims. “How did that even happen?”
“I told you a lot has happened since we got here. Duane wants to try.”
“Try?” Liv encourages.
“He says he wants to be with me,” I start. “I don’t even know how to explain the feelings he brings out in me, Liv. It feels so right in his arms. I don’t think I ever want to leave.” In hopes of making her understand, my thoughts come out rushed and breathy, but knowing her, she’ll understand.
“He does have something about him that makes you kind of fall in love with him, huh? I can’t explain it,” she stops to think, “but I saw the way he looked at you. Is it alright you’re together? He is your lawyer.”
Stating the obvious.
“I think so. We’ll make it work. We both can’t hide our feelings,” I gather more courage in my voice, “and more importantly, we don’t want to. He is supposed to change my life, Liv. I can feel it.”
“You’ve always had that sense,” she answers justly.
“So how’s the shop?” I ask, changing the subject. I don’t how much time I have before the boys come barreling inside with dinner.
“It’s great. We sold out again today! Chet and Alfred came in late and hit on a couple of women. It was hilarious,” she says through, what I am sure is a wide-eyed grin.
I laugh out loud. Those two men are trouble. “I would have paid to see that.”
“Yeah, it was priceless. I’m going to let you go; there is baking to do. We love you and miss you. Come home soon.”
My eyes begin to tear and I swallow the lump forming in my throat. “I love and miss you guys, too. I’ll call you soon.”
I end the call, and take a moment.
Strong arms wrap around my waist, and I turn my body into Duane’s welcoming embrace. I hadn’t even heard the door open; I wonder how long he’s been there.
“What’s wrong?” He asks.
“I just miss home.” My nose lets out a sniffle.
He soothes my back with loving rubs and kisses my head. “We’ll go home as soon as possible. Let’s just get through tomorrow.”
My stomach drops at the mention of tomorrow. I really don’t want to go to that house and face the bad memories I’ve been running from for years.
I hide my anxiety as best I can, and give Duane a smile. “Okay. I’m ready for dinner when you guys are.”
The sliding glass door opens and Jason comes in with a heap of sizzling steaks. “Dinner is served.”
We dig in.
Having dinner with Duane and Jason seems to make things better. We joke through mouthfuls of food and they put a smile back on my face. The lightness of the night pushes the consuming thoughts out of my head, and life doesn’t seem so overwhelming.
“I’m going to bed, kids. Play nice,” Jason jokes as he heads to his side of the house.
Duane takes my hand, making a show for Jason. “Oh, you know we will.”
Jason laughs all the way to his room.
“I’m tired, too,” I chime in, a big yawn escaping as I speak.
Duane offers me his hand, and we make our way up to my room.
“I’m going to get changed, I’ll be right back,” I say.
Duane nods his head, and sits at the end of the bed to remove his shoes.
I grab the cutest thing in my drawer and go to the bathroom. Slipping on my white tank top and sleep shorts, I look at myself in the mirror.
I look different. My eyes don’t seem as sad.
I would get asked constantly if I was tired.
“Oh honey, are you getting enough sleep?” My customers would inquire. I think, even though I thought I looked fine on the outside, the sadness still seeped through—blatantly making its presence known.
I could never hide from Liv and Mia’s worry, either. I just always brushed it off, but now I understand what they saw. I never saw it in myself because I thought I was okay—as okay as I’d ever be anyway. Deep down, I was unhappy—miserable even. I missed Kyle. I could never let him go, so every day when I woke up, I was facing another day without him. I’d try to block the pain and shut off my brain. I kept him to myself, never giving him a life beyond death, and it took its toll on my body. Now that I think about it, it took its toll on my entire life.