Unbearable (Undescribable) (15 page)

She storms into the bathroom to find me washing
my hands.

“Josh told me to apologize to you. Though I
don’t know why.” She places her hands on her hips. “You may be able to fool all
of them, but you can’t fool me.” Then she spins around and walks out with me
hot on her trail.

“Nothing important.” I head into the closet and take
off my shorts and heels. I slide on a pair of jeans.

When I come out, he is still leaning against the doorframe.
His head is resting against it now, his eyes closed. I know he’s tired, but of
what I’m not sure. I don’t know if the problem is me or his work. And if it is
his work, I’m sure I’m not helping the situation at all.

I sit down on the bed, thinking, as I put on socks
and my Nikes.

We were perfect before my mom called. Yeah, we had
our arguments, but now, I feel as if we are both in a deep, dark hole trying to
figure out how to dig our way out of it.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I want Slade by my
side no matter what path I decide on. I can just think better when I’m by
myself and not constantly being questioned how I feel about…well, everything.

I stand up, grab my phone off of my nightstand, and
throw it in my purse. “I’ll be home late.” Walking over to him, I find he is
still standing in the exact same position. For a second it looks like he might
have fallen asleep there.

He opens his eyes and uncrosses his arms. He pushes
away from the door and stands in the middle of the doorway.

I walk right up to him and wrap my arms around his
stomach, resting my head on his chest. He smells so good, I would be happy
spending the entire night smelling him. My smile brightens knowing that I’m
going to go to work smelling like him.

He wraps his arms around my shoulders and kisses
the top of my hair.

“You could call in sick.” He lays his chin on my
head.

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?’

“Because if I call in sick, they will call someone
else in to cover my shift and that’s not fair to them.” He squeezes me tighter
for a second then I feel his chest rise and fall with a deep breath.

“Okay. Please be careful driving home in the
morning.” He unwinds his arms and pushes me back a little so he can look into
my eyes. “I hate you working nights. If you won’t quit, will you at least
change back to days?”

I had worked days for a couple of weeks after Jax
and I broke up, when I didn’t want to see a lot of people. I had then switched
back to nights, liking that it was busier and kept my mind occupied. Plus, by
then I was kind of seeing Slade, and I no longer cared what people thought
about my break up with Jax.

“I only like working with Holly and she prefers to
work nights.” That was kind of a lie, and with the way his brows scrunched, I
think he knew that. I don’t
want
to work days.

He nods his head and cups my cheek in his hand. His
other hand slides around my back and pulls me closer to him. “I hope you have a
great night.” He leans his head down and gives me a soft, sweet kiss. I moan in
frustration as he pulls away, wanting more. “I love you.” His baby blue eyes search
my face.

“I love you, baby.” I pull away from him and walk out
of the bedroom.

I park Nadia in the back lot
of the bar and get out. I still drive her everywhere. I have not bought a new
car yet, afraid Slade will go postal on me, but I still don’t want to drive the
Tahoe. Some days I feel great, as if nothing bad has happened, and then I have
days I feel as if I’m barely hanging on. Twice this week I have had what felt
like panic attacks in our bathroom while Slade was at work. I couldn’t breathe and
felt like my chest was going to explode. I calmed myself down, eventually, and
have not mentioned them to anyone. The last thing I need is to be sent to a
doctor and placed on medication.

Not going to happen!

I walk in through the back door and go right behind
the bar. It’s six and not all that busy yet.

“Hey, Sam.” I look over to see Becky as she walks
behind the bar.

“Hey.” I pull my phone out of my purse and shove it
in my back pocket.

“Is Holly here yet?” I ask, placing my bar key in
my other back pocket.

“Yes. She’s refilling the cooler.” She grabs her stuff
and tells me bye. I am her replacement for the evening shift.

It surprised me when I didn’t see Holly’s car
outside, though Micah sometimes drops her off and picks her up on the weekends.

“Hey, Holls.” I walk into the cooler and see her
folding up some empty beer boxes.

She stands, straightening up.

“Ready for a great night?” She laughs as she rolls
her eyes.

“Absolutely.” I don’t mind spending my Saturday
nights at work. Just being here and away from the constant questions from Slade
makes me happy. Holly doesn’t ask questions. She just makes me smile.

I follow her out of the cooler carrying a box of
Corona. We walk behind the bar and I set down the box, bending over to place
them into the bin.

“Sam, you have a customer. Do you want me to wait
on him?” Holly asks as I fold up the now empty box.

“No, I’ll go.” I throw the box in a pile on the
floor and dust my hands off. I look over the bar and see the back of a man
sitting at a table. I walk out from the behind the bar and head over to him. He
has a tight, black short-sleeve shirt on. The fabric pulls against his back and
shoulders. The guy looks like a UFC fighter from behind. As I get closer, I
notice that both arms have tattoos covering them. They look to be black ink of
some tribal work.

“Welcome to Larry’s. What can I get you?” I greet as
I come up beside him.

He turns his head to look at me and I freeze. Tate
sits before me with a small smile on his face. “Sam,” he says in a deep voice.

There is no way he is here. This can’t be possible.
I turn around and head to the bathroom. I wish I would have listened to Slade
and just called in sick.

I burst into the bathroom and take a few deep
breaths, trying not to have another panic attack.

Why can’t people just leave me alone? Is there
nowhere that I can go to be alone? To have some peace and try to get over what
happened? I’ll never be able to move on with my life if I can’t forget it.

“Sam?” Holly urges as she walks in.

“I just need a minute, Holly.” I nod, looking at
her in the mirror. She is the only one who seems to treat me normal. I don’t
want her thinking that I can’t handle seeing Tate out there.

She comes to stand next to me as her brown eyes
search my face. “He wants to talk to you,” she says quietly. “I told him he
needed to quit bothering you.” She takes a deep breath. “But he says he just
wants to talk to you. He wants a chance to explain.”

I push away from the counter and turn my body to
face her, taking another deep breath. “And you think I should let him explain?”

“I know you’re trying to move on. I know that Slade
and Courtney hound you about how you feel, constantly. You’re trying to live
your life.” She shrugs. “Maybe this will help move you in the right direction.
Instead of running from it, maybe you should just give him the chance to
explain. I’m not saying become his friend or forgive him, but maybe he can help
get you a better understanding of what your mother did and why.” She turns
around and walks out, leaving me in the bathroom.

Maybe she is right. I still wonder why my mom did
what she did. My mom and I had a close relationship up until a few months
before my dad died. She told me and Slade that was about the time she had found
out she had breast cancer. That was when she changed because she didn’t want me
to postpone college to stay home with her.

I take in one last deep breath, feeling better. I’m
an adult. The one chance I had for my mother to explain to me what happened, I
acted immature and ran out of the house. I need to let Tate explain because I
still don’t understand. I walk out of the bathroom and head straight for Tate’s
table. I sit down next to him as he takes a drink of water, which Holly must
have gotten for him.

“What do you have to tell me?” I question, looking
into his eyes.

His eyes lift from his bottle of water to me. “I
don’t want to tell you here. I just came here to get your attention.” He
reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He produces a card and
hands it to me. It’s just like the card he gave me at my mom’s house. “I’m
guessing you threw the other one away.”

I nod, taking it from his hand. “Come by tomorrow.”
He looks up at me, waiting for an answer.

I give him another nod, not knowing if I’m
comfortable with that idea. He stands up from the table, grabs his jacket from
the chair next to him, and walks out the front door.

I grab his empty water bottle, throwing it in the
trash as I walk behind the bar.

I look down at the card. Turning it over, I see he wrote
his home address on the back of it. It is in St. Charles, which is only a twenty-minute
drive from here. I have never been there but I have heard Josh talking about it
before.

Should I go to his house? Should I tell Slade?
Maybe he should go with me, but what if what he has to say breaks me all over
again? Do I want Slade to see me that way again? I already feel like I can’t
breathe around him. Like I can’t tell him how I truly feel because he just
won’t believe me.

Making up my mind, I tuck the card in my back
pocket. I turn around and Holly is watching me. I swallow, trying to think of
what to say to her. I know she had to have read the card, I hadn’t realized she
was so close by. I need to start paying more attention to the people around me.
I should have waited and read it in the bathroom.

Shit!

She smiles at me, her brown eyes soft. “I know I’m
not the best at keeping secrets, but I would never, ever, tell anyone something
as important as this.” Her gaze darts to my pockets. “Do whatever you need to
get closure, Sam,” she says as she turns and walks off.

I let out a breath. I could not ask for a better
friend than Holly.

Before I know it, the place
is packed and I’m running back and forth to the bar for drinks. But none of
that matters. All I can focus on is Tate and my mother. What is so important
that he couldn’t tell me at Larry’s? What could be worse than the fact that she
hid from me because she had cancer? Did she really feel that I was too weak to
hear the truth? Well technically, she knew I wasn’t weak. She knew I would have
given up everything for her.

Holly and I close up the bar and I get home around
three. I crawl in bed next to Slade and cuddle up to him. My body is exhausted.
I just feel like I have no energy, like I’m running on fumes. I’ve had trouble
sleeping ever since we drove back from Tulsa and I think it’s starting to catch
up to me. I let out a long breath and try to close my eyes, but all I see is my
mother. And it’s the bad memories that come to mind, of tears running down her
face as I stood screaming in the middle of her living room. It’s the same
nightmare, playing in my mind every night. I hope that my meeting with Tate
tomorrow can give me something else to dream about.

I wake up to the sound of
the shower coming on. I look over to my phone to see that it is eight in the
morning. I lay there for a few minutes because, once again, I didn’t get much
sleep last night. It was weird actually. I went to bed thinking about my
mother, but all I remember is dreaming about Slade. I had a dream about Slade
finding out I went to Tate’s without him knowing, and then he left me. I can’t
even imagine my life without Slade in it. I need to tell him. He doesn’t
deserve for me to go behind his back. I sit up when I hear the bathroom door
open.

“I’m sorry, Angel, I didn’t mean to wake you,” he
says, standing at the end of the bed with a towel wrapped low around his hips.
My eyes roam over his sculpted abs and hard muscular chest. His body glistens
with the water that his towel missed. I stare at his star tattoo for a few
seconds and I sigh. I wish he wanted me as much as I want him. I would feel
better if I knew why he was staying at arms’ length. “I tried to be quiet.”