Unchanged (11 page)

I can see Dr. A's tongue stabbing the inside of his cheek. “Hmmm,” is the only thing he says. He wipes his mouth with his napkin and sets it down on the table. “Now, I'd like to discuss something very important.”

My breath ratchets up a notch. Does he know about the drive? How could he?

I look to Crest for any indication of what this is about. She shakes her head subtly.

“Yes?” I say, but my throat is parched. I take a large gulp of water from the glass in front of me. It burns going down.

“Your first interview is tomorrow morning,” Dr. A begins calmly.

Don't remind me.

“It's important that the two of you”—he nods to Kaelen and me in turn—“appear as connected as possible when you're presented to the public. Viewers can see right through romantic façades. They see them every day on the reality shows.”

Why would Dr. A ever compare us to a couple on a silly reality show? We are nothing like them.

“So why, may I ask,” he continues, “are you refusing to complete the act of ultimate intimacy?”

My cheeks instantly warm. I peer at Dane, then at Director Raze. Both of them are staring awkwardly at their plates. I cast a sidelong look at Kaelen but he gives me an unassuming smile. Does he not find this question inappropriate?

Particularly after the conversation we just had?

“I—I—” I stammer, because Dr. A is staring at me, expecting an answer. “I don't know.”

“This act, as I've already explained to you, is what will connect the two of you on a deeper level and bring you closer together.”

“I feel close to Kaelen already,” I murmur, the words feeling misshapen and swollen on my tongue.

“Not as close as you could be,” Dr. A argues. “Kaelen tells me that you continually refuse him into your bed. I'd like to know why this is. It can't be for lack of know-how. I've supplied you with plenty of informative uploads on the subject.”

“Dr. Alixter,” Crest interjects, “I'm not sure this is an appropriate conversation to have over evening meal.”

“This is none of your concern, Crest,” Dr. A snaps at her. Crest nods timidly and scoops a pile of food onto her fork. But I notice she never puts it into her mouth.

I clear my throat, buying a little time while I try to come up with an answer that won't set him off again.

Is there such a thing?

My brain squeezes as a memory comes flooding back to me. I fight to keep it at bay. I can tell by the way it twists my stomach that it's not the good kind. It's the other kind. The one that comes with chest pain and nausea and an all-consuming sensation of wretched failure.

“I've just been waiting a long time for this,” Lyzender says.

I squint at him. “For what?”

“For you to feel…” He looks uncomfortable. Even his face flushes. “W-w-well,” he stutters. “For you to feel ready, I guess.”

“I'm not ready,” I blurt, chasing the memory away before it causes me to lose what little I've consumed of my meal.

“Not ready?” Dr. A repeats with something that sounds like disgust. “How could you not be
ready
? I've built you two to be compatible in every single way. There's no one out there better suited for you than Kaelen.”

“I know that—” I try to say but I'm cut off.

“Perhaps there's something you're still holding on to. Or some
one
?”

The silence in the room slowly starts to suffocate me. I want to run to the window, shove it open, stick my head out, and drink in the warm air.

I will my paralyzed mouth to move. “No,” I barely squeak out. “There's no one else.”

“Then I don't see a problem.”

“Perhaps,” Dane says, casting a glance at Crest, “this really
is
a conversation better suited to a more private setting.”

“There's nothing private about their lives,” Dr. A argues, his patience dwindling. “They're about to be the most public couple in the world. I didn't create them to live a private life behind closed doors. I created them to be the faces of Diotech. Privacy is not in the equation.”

Dane sets a tender hand on Dr. A's arm. He seems to be the only one who can touch him like that. “Yes, I realize. I just meant—”

Dr. A jerks his arm away and rises from the table. “This isn't a discussion. Nor a democracy. I created you two to be hopelessly in love. Now start acting like it.”

He stalks toward the door. “Raze,” he calls. “How is the network setup coming along?”

Raze straightens before answering the question. “My tech is working on it. The screens in the suites are still connected to the public SkyServer. I'm told it will take another hour or so before our secure internal network is up and running.” He gazes around the room. “So be prudent in what you transmit over your Lenses and Slates.”

Dr. A doesn't look happy about the news of the delay, but thankfully, he doesn't say anything. He just leaves.

My mind is instantly abuzz.

“The screens in the suites are still connected to the public SkyServer…”

Meaning whatever I access on them can't be tracked by Diotech. At least not for another hour.

My pulse races as the realization settles in.

Now might be my only chance to find out what's on that drive.

 

18

RUINS

No one doubts my claim that the hyperloop fatigued me and I'm allowed to retire to my suite without much fuss. Crest reminds me that we'll be leaving for the streamwork at six a.m. sharp.

“Do you want me to walk you to your suite?” Kaelen asks.

I come around to the back of his chair and kiss the top of his head. The coarse hair of his lingering genetic disguise feels foreign against my lips. “No. I can't bear to look at you another second with that face.”

Everyone laughs at my joke. I feel disgusted by it.

“I'll be back to my pretty self tomorrow morning,” Kaelen replies, playing along.

“Good. I'll admire you then.”

Kaelen grins. “I look forward to it.”

Once the door of my suite seals behind me, I waste no time retrieving the cube from the drawer, swiping it on, and activating the wall screen. The drive immediately shows up on the list of active devices.

I know my time is limited. The network will be up and running soon and then my window of opportunity will be closed. But I still stare at the drive on the screen for a good two minutes, trying to build up the courage to connect to it.

With the network inactive, whatever I see on that drive can't be traced by Diotech. But there's still the matter of my memories. Our weekly scans are obviously on hold until the end of the tour, but then what?

What will happen when we return to the compound in a month and they find this?

Because they will. They find everything.

I remind myself that it's only a problem if they think I was trying to hide something. If I access the drive, see what's inside, and report it to Dr. A before they have a chance to scan my memories, then I should be safe.

With a deep breath, I initiate the link.

The syncing screen seems to take forever. It's as though time is slowing down the longer the devices try to reach one another. I get a flutter of panic in my chest.

What if the drive has been damaged?

How long was it buried under the hard, unforgiving earth?

Finally, the sync completes and I'm shown an inventory of files stored on the drive.

There is only one.

Everything else has been erased.

And if there was any lingering doubt that the drive was left for me, it's erased as well, as soon as I read the file name.

S + Z = 1609

I cringe as the memory stabs at my heart and my conscience like a vengeful warrior. Like an age-old curse.

“It's beautiful,” I say, flipping the necklace over in my palm. I gasp when I see the engraving on the back. I run my fingertip over the text etched into the black heart pendant.

“S
+
Z
=
1609,” I whisper, afraid that the clouds might overhear.

“An equation only you can solve,” he says.

S
+
Z
=
1609
was our secret code. Along with the symbol of the eternal knot. Back when I used to call him Zen, instead of his full name, Lyzender.

The equation was a plan for our escape. We were going to live in the year 1609. We were going to run away to a time before Diotech. Before science. Before the Objective.

And we did. We made it. He lured me there with all of his romantic words and soulful promises.

Yet it wasn't what it was supposed to be. It was a dangerous time with distrustful people who did not take kindly to my uniqueness.

Dr. A was right about Lyzender all along. His promises were false. His words were contrived. He tempted me into a hell that didn't accept me. It wasn't
better
in the seventeenth century. It was worse.

Sometimes I wish Dr. A had simply erased him from my mind. That boy and the promises I made to him are my single most powerful source of shame.

I understand why Dr. A didn't, though.

He wanted me to remember. He wanted me to feel this disgrace that doubles me over. He knew it was the only way to keep me from doing it again.

And he's right.

I remind myself that I can use this ghastly sensation to heal. To become stronger. It's just like the training sessions Kaelen and I have back home on the compound. You can't improve unless you face obstacles every day.

Today, this is my obstacle.

With shaky hands, I select the file.

The screen fills with blackness and I see a duration meter appear at the bottom, indicating it's not a memory, but a capture file.

Then suddenly, he's there. Filling my entire wall. His dark, searching eyes lock onto mine, as though he can see me across our eighty-four-year separation.

I instinctively back away from the screen, which is foolish and naïve. Am I really afraid he's going to come through the wall and grab me? I brace myself, grit my teeth, and take a step forward.

I recognize the room he's in. It's the guest bedroom in Cody's town house in Brooklyn. A time stamp appears at the bottom of the frame: September 23, 2032. Approximately seven months after I left with Kaelen and never came back.

He appears older than when I last saw him, his face fatigued and marred by purple shadows. His hair is matted and greasy, as though it hasn't been washed in days. His cheeks and chin, normally smooth and clean, are covered with dark brown stubble.

I remember he used to glow when I looked at him. He used to shine under any light. His deep maple eyes were always gleaming. Now they're dim and faded. Like someone cut the power source.

He looks …

My throat goes bone dry as the answer comes to me.

Destroyed.

Like a city that's been bombed beyond recognition. A priceless painting that's been left out in the rain.

“Seraphina,” he says, his voice thick with grief.

It's too much. The voice. The lost eyes. The mouth forming a name only he and Rio called me.

“Pause,” I practically yell at the screen. He freezes. Safely trapped on my wall. If he can't speak, he can't hurt me. If he can't move, he can't make me feel anything.

But the fact that I feel
anything
means I'm still susceptible.

I'm still failing.

I sprint to the bathroom and activate the cold water. I splash it on my face over and over again until I'm shivering. Until my cheeks are numb.

I return to the living room and resume the file.

“It's been two hundred and twenty-three days since I woke up to find you gone,” Lyzender begins. I sit on the foot of the bed and pull my knees up to my chest. It's all I have to protect myself.

“Cody says you left with a Diotech agent to find the cure to save my life. The fact that I'm alive means you succeeded. But the fact that I'm here without you means they succeeded, too. Diotech got to you. Maybe they destroyed your transession gene. Maybe they erased your memories again. I'm not sure. I can only speculate. And trust me, these are the best possible speculations I've had. My mind has come up with far worse. It's amazing the dark places the mind can go if you let it.”

As much as I hate to admit it, I know what he's experiencing.

Back when I was still under his spell, trapped in a prison cell in 1609, I thought he had died. My imagination got the best of me. It showed me horrors I never thought I could have created.

“If you're watching this, though,” he goes on, “then you found the drive. And that means some part of you still remembers. That's the only thing that gives me hope right now. Knowing that you can never really forget me. Because you never have.”

My throat burns as I try—and fail—to swallow.

They are words, Sera. Only words.

He's trying to pull you in again.

He's an enemy of the Objective. His only goal is to destroy Diotech. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you.

It's all a ruse to crack your heart open again and make you bleed.

“How many times did they erase me from your memories?” he says. “How many times were you turned into a blank canvas? And yet some piece of you never forgot. If you are watching this, then please try to remember me. Try to remember us. They are not stronger than you. They never have been. Diotech's only goal has been to
conceal
your strength. To fool you into believing you are weaker than them. It's a lie. It's all a lie, Sera. Don't trust them. Don't give up on us. I haven't. Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments, remember?”