Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (6 page)
Read Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
Ah, Iceland! Home of hot springs, fermented cod, hard-to-pronounce names, and…invisible people?
L
ITTLE COUNTRY, LITTLE PEOPLE
Magnus Skarphedinsson believes in fairies—and dwarves, gnomes, pixies, and trolls. Just about anywhere else in the world, he’d be considered a bit crazy. But not in Iceland. In fact, more than half the country’s nearly 300,000 citizens say they also believe in fairies and other mythical creatures. That statistic may seem at odds with the global perception of Iceland as a hip, techno-savvy Nordic country—until you consider that modernization came to Iceland only recently.
For most of its 1,000-year history, the island was a frigid, isolated outpost of European civilization. Stuck in the Dark Ages long after the rest of the continent had been “enlightened,” Iceland didn’t even have a major city until 200 years ago. And though most Icelanders have embraced the modern world, they continue to cling to the old ways—including, for many, a guarded belief in mythical creatures. Says Olafur Stephensen, former editor of
Morgunbladid
, Iceland’s principal newspaper, “Many Icelanders say they don’t believe in elves, but often consider it safer to behave as if they might exist. That way they don’t risk offending them.”
ÁLFASKÓLINN
That was Skarphedinsson’s thinking in 1991 when he opened an
Álfaskólinn
, or “Icelandic Elf School,” to educate the world about his country’s unique heritage. A tall, paunchy man in his 50s with short white hair and a well-trimmed beard, Skarphedinsson teaches classes and leads tours to sites where elves or other strange creatures have reportedly been sighted. According to Arni Bjornsson, head of the Ethnology Department at the National Museum of Iceland, Icelandic folklore contains tales of more than 500 supernatural beings.
Although some scholars come to the Elf School to study Icelandic legends in depth, most students are tourists. For about $60 U.S., you can attend a lecture given by Skarphedinsson and then ride along with him on a tour of local elf sites. You’ll receive a diploma, which states (in Icelandic) that you now know more than most people about Iceland’s “other” inhabitants. To date, more than 9,000 people have graduated from the Elf School.
Oxford
Dictionary’s 2009 word of the year: “unfriend” to take someone off your Facebook friends list.
HIDE AND SEEK
According to the school’s textbook, Iceland is home to 25 different varieties of elves, gnomes, trolls, fairies, and the curiously named
huldüfolk
, or “Hidden People.” According to the Elf School, the huldüfolk were once human, the descendants of Celtic settlers who were already in Iceland when the Vikings arrived in the 9th century. Rather than be enslaved by the Norse invaders, the huldüfolk slipped away into a shadow world, a sort of parallel universe, where they remain today. According to Skarphedinsson, as many as 20,000 huldüfolk may still exist. A few Icelanders, mainly children, claim to be able to see and talk with them, and report that the huldüfolk look pretty much like us, except for their old-fashioned, traditional clothes. (One branch of the huldüfolk is notable for their blue skin.)
Although Skarphedinsson himself has never encountered the huldüfolk, he remains a true believer. “I have spoken with over 500 people who say they have seen them,” he says. “Many swear that the huldüfolk cured illnesses and saved their lives.” A trade union leader, Tryggvi Emilsson, insists that when he was a young man, he was saved by a beautiful huldüfolk girl when he fell off a cliff. There are even rare stories of people who fell in love with huldüfolk and vanished with them into the shadow world. These tales have inspired more than a few single women to enroll in Elf School in the hopes of a romantic encounter with a “shadow man.”
MAINTAINING ELF CONTROL
For the most part, folklore enthusiasts say, Icelanders got along well with the elves, dwarfs, fairies, gnomes, trolls, and huldüfolk—until humans started building roads, neighborhoods, and Taco Bells in the forests and lava fields where the creatures live. Result: They’ve fought back. Mysterious equipment failures, strange accidents, bizarre illnesses—there have been so many worksite mishaps in recent years that the Icelandic Public Works administration has resorted to some drastic measures. “Our basic approach is not to deny this phenomenon,” explains Birgir Gudmundsson, an engineer with the Iceland Road Authority. “Fortunately, there are people who can negotiate with the elves, and we make use of that.”
These negotiators are known as “elf-spotters.” Their job: to ensure that the land is clear of the creatures before any work begins. One of the most respected elf-spotters, Erla Stefansdottir, has drawn up several maps charting known locations of Hidden People for Reykjavik’s Planning Department (as well as for the tourist authorities). That’s not all elf-spotters do.
• Developers building Iceland’s first shopping mall utilized a folklorist’s knowledge to make sure that electrical cables and other underground equipment was placed far away from suspected elf homes.
• An elf-spotter halted construction of a highway to relocate a boulder called the
Graustein
, purported to be a dwarf home.
• When a crew building a golf course outside Reykjavik moved a rock, their bulldozers stopped running and a rash of injuries disabled the workforce. Finally, on the advice of the local elf-spotter (who had already told them the rock was home to some elves), the chief engineer returned the rock to the field and apologized out loud. He swore that his crew would not bother them anymore. The bulldozers started up again, and there were no more accidents. The course was completed on schedule.
Stories like these make Magnus Skarphedinsson proud. “My mission,” he declares, “is to get the elves and Hidden People the respect they deserve.”
FOOTNOTE: IT’S MAGIC
Another curious attraction in Iceland is the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Husavik, more commonly referred to as the “Penis Museum.” The institution’s mission is to catalog and display penises from every mammalian species, living or extinct, native to Iceland—272 specimens, representing 92 species. In between displays of mummified horse and polar bear members sits a small jar filled with murky embalming fluid. It is labeled “Elf’s Penis.” Its contents are, of course, invisible.
To graduate from high school, Icelanders must speak 3 languages: Danish, English, and Icelandic
.
Uncle John holds the world record for the most pages ever read on the throne (234,815 and counting). Here are some other dubious achievements
.
• Christian Adam of Germany set the distance record for riding a bicycle backward while playing the violin: 37.5 miles. It took him a little more than five hours. He played J. S. Back…er, Bach.
• For 20 minutes of “every waking hour” for 16 years, Australian Les Stewart spelled out every number from one to one million on his typewriter. He went through seven typewriters and 1,000 ink ribbons. Now he not only owns a world record but a 19,890-page book consisting of every spelled-out number up to one million.
• On May 6, 2009, Eric “No Class” Matyjasik of Arizona unzipped his pants 162 times in 30 seconds, breaking the old record by 27 zips.
• Artist Maria Reidelbach built the world’s largest garden gnome in 2006. It stands 13 feet, 6 inches, and lives on a miniature golf course in Kerhonkson, New York. The gnome’s name: Gnome Chomsky, a play on the name of linguist and philosopher Noam Chomsky (who is only about half as tall as Gnome Chomsky).
• The unofficial world record for staying awake: 18 days, 17 hours, set by Maureen Weston of England while participating in a rocking-chair marathon. Although she hallucinated quite a bit, she says she hasn’t suffered any long-term health effects.
• An exotic dancer who goes by the name Maxi Mounds is the proud owner of the world’s largest augmented breasts. Each of Mounds’s mounds weighs 20 pounds; her bust measurement is about 60 inches.
• Naya Ganj of India has the world’s longest ear hair. “Making it into
Guinness
is special for my family! God has been very kind to me!” said the guy with 5.25 inches of hair growing from his ears.
World record for the most people in one place dressed up like Smurfs: 451
.
And other actual headlines ripped from news stories of the recent, strange past
.
Main Street merchants want crack at market
9-Year-Old Stops Carjacking
Man shot in head ‘not popular’
Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women
A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt
Hotel cancels jihad conference, citing safety reasons
MPs seek answers on Nutt sacking
Scientists Find Sand on Sea Floor
Hippies Face Horror at Weekend B.O
.
Courtney Love Banned From Using Hole
Federal judge likes sentencing freedom
How Scientists Are Helping Cook Inlet’s Little White Whales
Jimmy Carter’s hometown excited over burial plans
Cop Tasers One-Armed Legless Man—Twice!
Church Kids Raid Pantys For Food Bank Supplies
M
ISSING
B
ABY
F
OUND IN
S
ANDWICH
Naked Jacqueline Onassis Photo Found With Warhol’s Junk
State population to double by 2040; babies to blame
17 Remain Dead in Morgue Shooting Spree
MISSIPPI’S LITERACY PROGRAM SHOWS IMPROVEMENT
Missing wall allows escape from new jail
Stool pigeons: A company called Avian Fashions makes diapers for pet birds
.
The latest in true—and truly strange—news from the world of animals
.
U
P, UP, AND MEOW
In August 2008, a cat in the Chinese city of Chongqing started growing what were described as “bumps” on its sides. They kept growing, and in less than a month they resembled a set of furry wings, each several inches long. (The owner claimed that the cat, a male, grew wings because he was being harassed by too many female cats.) Surprisingly, reports of winged cats have been circulating for at least 150 years. American writer Henry David Thoreau wrote about one that his neighbor had: “This would have been the right kind of cat for me to keep, if I had kept any, for why should not a poet’s cat be winged as well as his horse?” Experts say that the phenomenon might be the result of genetic mutations, or it might have a simpler cause: poor grooming, which can lead to skin diseases and extremely matted fur.