Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (83 page)

BRAINLESS SURGEONS

In the span of a few months in 2007, neurosurgeons at Rhode Island Hospital made a rash of unusual—and similar—errors: They operated on the wrong side of patients’ brains three different times. Two of the patients barely survived; one died a few weeks later. Rhode Island’s Department of Health fined the hospital $50,000 and assured the public, “We are extremely concerned about this continuing pattern.” The state ordered the hospital to develop a checklist to remind the brain surgeons to verify that they’re cutting in the right place before they start cutting.

In 2006 Toys for Tots turned down a donation of talking Jesus dolls, but later changed their minds
.

DARK COMICS

Comic books and superhero stories like
The Dark Knight
and
Watchmen
have taken the genre through some unusual twists and turns. Here are a few that were even more twisted
.

S
uperman: At Earth’s End
(1995)
This comic book is set about 500 years in the future, after humanity has been all but destroyed by an apocalyptic disaster. Superman is still around, but he’s a very old, mentally ill, homeless person with a long white beard. The U.S. is now run by the DNA Diktators, twin clones of Adolf Hitler who want to exterminate what’s left of the human race and start over with a “master race.” So they send out evil Batman clones and flying robots to find and kill any remaining humans. Superman tracks down the Hitler twins, kills them, retrieves Batman’s corpse from the cloning lab, and then sets it—and himself—on fire.

Spider-Man: Reign
(2006)

Now 60 years old, Spider-Man (or Peter Parker) is retired from crimefighting and works as a florist. He’s not doing too well—he vomits, hallucinates, and cries a lot, all signs of inconsolable grief. Why the grief? Because the love of his life, Mary Jane, died of cancer after a mysterious, prolonged exposure to radiation. Only he knows the truth: Because he was bitten by a radioactive spider as a young man—which gave him his spidey-superpowers—his bodily fluids constantly emitted radiation. Then he married Mary Jane and, after years of doing what married people do, his own super body gave Mary Jane cancer…and killed her.

Civil War
(2007)

After the Incredible Hulk flies into a rage and kills 28 people one day in Las Vegas, the government passes the Superhuman Registration Act, requiring superheroes to check in with the government and divulge their true identities. The superhero community splits into two camps on the issue. The anti-registration contingent is led by Captain America, who is executed for treason by the pro-registration side, led by Iron Man, who hires an army of supervillains to hunt down noncompliant superheroes. Dozens of Marvel Comics characters get involved in this satire of the paranoia and ratcheted-up security measures in the U.S. since 9/11, the Patriot Act, and the Abu Ghraib scandal.

55% of all deaths caused by firearms in the United States are suicides
.

The Punisher Meets Archie
(1994)

The Punisher, who made his debut in the 1970s, is one of the darkest superheroes in comic-book history—a vigilante who avenges the deaths of his family (who accidentally witnessed a mob hit) by torturing and brutally murdering any criminal he can get his hands on. Meanwhile, Archie is the squeaky-clean “all-American teenager” who hasn’t changed much since his introduction in the 1940s. In this comic, the Punisher is looking for Red, a drug kingpin who’s hiding out, posing as a gym teacher in Archie’s high school…and who also happens to look exactly like Archie. After a series of mistaken-identity gags involving Archie and his friends, the Punisher gets ahold of Red (and nobody dies).

The Ultimates
(2003)

In this update of the ’60s superhero team the Avengers, the main characters are Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, fraternal-twin superheroes (male and female, respectively). But this brother and sister are bound not just by their family ties or common special powers; they’re also…romantically involved.
The Ultimates
is believed to be the first incestuous-twin superhero comic book. And why the attraction? Quicksilver says he’s drawn to Scarlet Witch because she “reminds him of his mother.” (Eww!)

MORE BACON-RELATED PRODUCTS

• bacon-flavored lollipops

• bacon-flavored breath mints

• bacon air freshener

• bacon ice cream

• bacon tape

• bacon bandages

• bacon-infused personal lubricant

About 1% of the static on a TV tuned between stations is a relic of the Big Bang
.

THE YEAR OF
LIVING FESTIVELY

Want to have the most fun year of your life? If you’ve got the time, the money, and a spirit of adventure, we’ve found 12 of the world’s most bizarre festivals, gatherings, and sporting events for you to attend
.

J
ANUARY: Camel Wrestling Championship, Turkey
Description:
You’re standing among a crowd of thousands of cheering fans. The main event begins when two elaborately saddled bull camels are walked to the center of a dirt field. Then, to get them in the mood, a lavishly decorated female is paraded in front of them. The animals’ nostrils flare, their saliva froths, and the little bells on their humps jingle as they trip, push, and sit on each other in a battle for dominance. A winner is declared when one of the animals falls down or runs away. But more often than not, the camels just stand there. Or they
both
run away. Or their handlers become so worried that their prized animal will get injured that they pull it from the competition.
History:
This pastime has been a tradition throughout Turkey for centuries, but is now limited mostly to the region bordering the Aegean Sea. The annual championship takes place in Selçuk every winter during camel mating season.

Don’t miss:
The owners trash-talking each other during the pre-fight camel parades through the city. But watch out for saliva and urine—anyone within 10 feet of a camel is at risk of getting hit with one of these projectiles.

FEBRUARY: Ivrea Carnevale, Italy

Description:
Your next stop is the largest food fight in Italy, held annually in the town of Ivrea a few days before Lent. You and about 10,000 other “rebels” are divided into nine “combat teams.” Then you run through the streets throwing oranges at each other and at hundreds of “aristocrats,” who defend themselves from chariots and balconies. By the end of the battle, the peels and pulp blanket the town’s streets in a foot-deep layer of orange goop.

The small town of Las Nieves, Spain, is home to the annual Fiesta of Near Death Experiences
.

History:
According to legend, a 12th-century maiden named Violetta fought back against the tyrannical ruler Count Ranieri when he tried to clain the “right” of the local duke to sleep with every new bride on her wedding night. In the struggle, Violetta decapitated him. Upon hearing the news that the hated tyrant was dead, the townspeople stormed the castle and threw rocks at the guards. Afterward, an event was held annually to reenact the rebellion—some participants played the castle guards, others played the rebels, and they all ran around and threw beans at each other. In the 19th century, imported oranges became the preferred weapons.
Don’t miss:
Not only is participation free, so is the food. Locals serve regional specialties such as
fagioli grassi
(beans boiled with sausages and pork rinds), cod with polenta, pastries, and Italian wines.

MARCH: Hokitika Wildfoods Festival, New Zealand
Description:
Ever eaten fried lamb testicles? You and about 15,000 other tourists can sample that and other “gourmet” foods at this feast provided by Hokitika’s “Coasters” (people who live on the thinly populated west coast of New Zealand’s South Island). The menu is different every year; past feasts have featured grasshopper bruschetta, smoked eel, “huhu grubs” served on toothpicks, and, for dessert, wasp larvae ice cream followed by mealworm Jell-O shots. What will they serve next year? It could be just about anything.

History:
During New Zealand’s 1860s gold rush, the Coasters learned to make do with whatever protein-rich foods they could find. In 1990, to celebrate the 125th birthday of the town of Hokitika, a winemaker named Claire Bryant came up with the idea of a festival that honors the diverse local fare.
Don’t miss:
The gorgeous sunsets, live music…and mimes.

APRIL: Beltane Fire Festival, Scotland

Description:
Every April 30, also known as the Eve of May, thousands of people gather near Calton Hill above Edinburgh and wait for the sun to go down. As it does, a fire is lit that will provide the spark for the dozens of ritualistic fires to follow. Then there’s a procession—an actor dressed as the “May Queen” emerges from the ground, and hundreds of performers march together as thousands of drums beat in unison. The May Queen is brought to her King, the “Green Man.” As darkness falls, more players perform dramatic reenactments of the lives of ancient gods and goddesses. It all culminates with a giant bonfire, and everyone dances the night away.

The transgender mayor of Silverton, Oregon, was chastised in 2009 for wearing a miniskirt to a youth-group event.

History:
Although this particular festival—the largest of its kind in the world—is only about 30 years old, the Gaelic festival of “Beltane” dates back thousands of years, as farmers celebrated the end of winter by lighting bonfires to honor the fertility of the land. In the late 1980s, a group of musicians formed the Beltane Fire Society, a nonprofit organization that puts the festival on every year.
Don’t miss:
A chance to participate as one of the performers. Contact the Society a few months ahead of time to join in.

MAY: Mike the Headless Chicken Days, Colorado
Description:
The town of Fruita celebrates its most famous historical figure, Mike the Headless Chicken, with an annual weekend of fun and chicken. First there’s a lawnmower race, followed by fried chicken. Then a classic car show, followed by chicken tenders. There’s also a chicken dance, followed by more chicken.

History:
As longtime
Bathroom Reader
fans may know, Mike the Chicken’s neck went under farmer Lloyd Olsen’s axe in 1945. Miraculously, the rooster lived for 18 months
after
his head was chopped off (he still had a brain stem, and his keepers fed him by dropping liquefied food down his neck). Mike became famous and toured the U.S. and abroad as a star attraction. “Mike’s will to live remains an inspiration,” it says on his official Web site. “It’s a great comfort to know you can live a normal life, even after you’ve lost your mind.” Mike died in 1947.