Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader (15 page)

The first U.S. passport was issued in 1796. Recipient: Francis M. Barrere.

THE NUMBERS RACKET

Believe it or not, the success of the novel actually
hurt
its chances of becoming a decent film. Bestsellers appeal to movie studios because they have a guaranteed audience. But fans will come to the theater no matter what, so why spend extra money to get them there? Shortsighted studio executives are often tempted to maximize profits by spending as little on such movies as possible. At the time Paramount was in bad financial shape and its last Mafia film,
The Brotherhood
, starring Kirk Douglas, bombed. The studio couldn’t afford another expensive mistake. It set the budget for
The Godfather
at $2 million, a miniscule figure even for the early 1970s.

Two million dollars wasn’t enough money to make a decent film set in the present, let alone a period piece like
The Godfather
, which takes place from 1945 to 1955—and in Manhattan, one of the most expensive places in the country to shoot a film. To save on expenses, Paramount decided to move the story forward to the 1970s, and made plans to film it in a Midwestern city like Kansas City, or on the studio back lot instead of on actual New York streets. The title would still be
The Godfather
, but other than that the film would have very little in common with Puzo’s novel.

Paramount signed Albert Ruddy, one of the co-creators of TV’s
Hogan’s Heroes
, to produce the film. Ruddy had produced only three motion pictures, and they’d all lost money, but what impressed the studio was that he had brought them in under budget. That was what Paramount was looking for in
The Godfather—
a critical flop that would nonetheless turn a quick profit because it had a built-in audience and would be filmed on the cheap.

NO, THANKS

By now it was clear in Hollywood that the studio was planning what was little more than a cinematic mugging of millions of fans of Puzo’s novel. What director would want to work on something like that? It was enough to ruin a career. Ruddy approached several big directors about making the film but, of course, none were interested. So he turned to a hungry young director named Francis Ford Coppola.

Sideswiped: Americans charge over $1 trillion on their credit cards annually.

He turned it down, too.

THE KID

In his short career, Coppola, then 31, had directed only four films (not including the nudie flicks he worked on while studying film at UCLA):
Dimentia 13
, a critical flop that bombed at the box office;
Finian’s Rainbow
, another critical flop that bombed;
You’re a Big Boy Now
, another critical flop that bombed; and
The Rain People
(starring James Caan and Robert Duvall), a critical
success
that bombed. With his track record, he couldn’t afford to be too choosy, and yet when Albert Ruddy offered him
The Godfather
in the spring of 1970, Coppola picked up a copy of the book and read only as far as one particularly lurid scene early in the book before he dismissed the whole work as a piece of trash and told Ruddy to find someone else. (Have you read the book? It’s the part where Sonny’s mistress goes to a plastic surgeon to have her “plumbing” fixed and ends up having an affair with the doctor.)

AN OFFER HE COULDN’T REFUSE

Film buffs know that we have George Lucas to thank for
Star Wars
. We can thank him for
The Godfather
, too. In November 1969, Coppola had founded his own film company, American Zoetrope, and its first project was to turn his friend George’s student film,
THX-1138
, into a feature-length movie. Today it’s a cult classic, but it was such a dud when it was first released that it nearly forced American Zoetrope into bankruptcy. Coppola was so desperate to keep the studio’s doors open that when Ruddy offered him the
Godfather
job a second time in late 1970, he agreed to at least give the novel another look.

This time Coppola read the book all the way through. He found more sections that he didn’t like, but he was also captivated by the central story of the relationship between the Godfather, Don Corleone, and his three sons. He realized that if he could strip away the lurid parts and focus on the central characters,
The Godfather
had a shot at becoming a very good film.

Part II of the story is on
page 354
.

Long distance: A hippo’s call can be heard from more than a mile away.

BEULAH LAND, PART I

Here’s a little-known slice of Americana: the story of how freed slaves changed the face of the American West
.

L
AND OF OPPORTUNITY

In 1865 the American Civil War came to an end and four million black slaves were free. But to what future? The South lay in ruins, its plantation economy shattered. Most slaves had been field workers or tenant farmers, and working the land was the only job they knew. Although they were now free to buy land to farm, few had the money. Even worse, a new terror was rising across the South as hostile whites, bitter in defeat, donned the white hoods of the Ku Klux Klan and began to terrorize the black community. But there was a way out…and it lay to the west.

The Homestead Act of 1862 offered grants of 160 acres of public lands on the Great Plains to anyone who would farm the land for five years. Thousands of Southern blacks joined the flood of settlers heading west to what they called “Beulah Land”—the Promised Land—only their mission was slightly different. Yes, the promise of owning their own land was sweet. But sweeter still was the possibility of living independent lives untouched by fear and racism. So they banded together and developed all-black communities, with their own banks, their own newspapers, their own businesses, and their own schools and colleges.

OKLAHOMA, THE ALL-BLACK STATE?

Although blacks migrated to every state and territory in the West, the territory of Oklahoma quickly became the preferred place to settle: A sizable number of African-Americans already lived there, having come as slaves with the Cherokee and other tribes during the Trail of Tears in 1838. After emancipation they bought land in Indian territory (often with the help of the Indians, who, under fierce pressure to give up their land to new settlers, preferred to sell it to black Americans). A number of black leaders, such as Edward P. McCabe and Hannibal C. Carter, led the push.

Carter established the Freedmen’s Oklahoma Immigration Association in Chicago in 1881 specifically to help blacks move to Oklahoma. They even convinced one U.S. Senator—Henry W. Blair of New Hampshire—to introduce a bill to make Oklahoma an all-black state. That legislation never passed, but the Land Run of 1889 opened up even more Oklahoma land to black settlers, leading to the establishment of scores of black towns. Using 360 acres won in the Land Run, McCabe founded the town of Langston, named after John H. Langston, a black congressman from Virginia. Dubbing it “The Only Distinctively Negro City in America,” McCabe used his newspaper, the
Langston City Herald
, to promote the town to black communities back in the South. Langston University, founded in 1908, is the only remaining historically black college in Oklahoma.

The world’s longest movie,
Cure For Insomnia
(1987), runs 85 hours.

BROUGHT LOW BY JIM CROW

By 1910 there were 59 all-black towns across the west, 29 in Oklahoma alone. Their successes were hard won: As more and more whites came into the area, they brought with them the racist attitudes that prevailed in the rest of the country. The early 20th century was the era of “Jim Crow,” as discriminatory laws and practices designed specifically to limit and suppress the rights of black people were not only acceptable, but were the order of the day. (The name Jim Crow dates back to the minstrel shows of the 1830s, where white performer Thomas “Daddy” Rice blackened his face with burnt cork and danced a jig while singing the lyrics to a song called “Jump Jim Crow.” His parody of a dancing black man became so well known that by the Civil War, the words “Jim Crow” had become a racial slur.)

In Oklahoma, the white majority-controlled legislature began passing laws blocking black immigration into the state and limiting where blacks could buy land. Black businesses and farmers were allowed to buy and sell their services and crops only within their own small communities. Worse yet, they could only borrow from black-owned banks, which made them vulnerable to even the slightest downturn in the economy. But the death knell of the black townships in Oklahoma sounded in 1921 in Greenwood, an all-black district of Tulsa.

To read about the Greenwood Riots and other challenges to black towns in the West, turn to Part II of the story on
page 344
.

India’s one-billionth citizen was born on May 18, 2000.

Ever wonder how rock bands get their names? So do we. After some digging around, we found these origins
.

CHICAGO.
They originally called themselves Chicago Transit Authority, but had to shorten it after the city of Chicago sued.

ALICE COOPER.
Lead singer Vincent Furnier claims to have gotten his stage name from a Ouija board, through which he met a spirit with that name.

EURYTHMICS.
An 1890s system of music instruction that emphasized physical response.

METALLICA.
Drummer Lars Ulrich was helping a friend name a heavy metal magazine. Ulrich’s two suggestions: 1) Metal Mania (which the friend used), and 2) Metallica.

THE REPLACEMENTS.
They were filling in for another band at the last minute. When the MC asked who the band was, singer Paul Westerberg replied, “The replacements.”

WHITE STRIPES.
While the band members are named Jack and Meg White, the band is named for Meg’s love of red-and-white-striped peppermint candies.

WEEZER.
Lead singer Rivers Cuomo got this nickname in grade school. He had asthma.

THE SMITHS.
They wanted a generic name that wouldn’t suggest anything about the band’s kind of music.

XTC.
Singer Andy Partridge saw an old movie in which Jimmy Durante said, “That’s it, I’m in ecstasy!”

BLACK SABBATH.
From a 1963 Boris Karloff horror movie.

DEF LEPPARD.
Singer Joe Elliot once drew a picture of a leopard with no ears—a “deaf leopard.”

Keep trying! At last count, Ozzy Osbourne has been in rehab 14 times.

MOODY BLUES.
They named the band in honor of one of their favorite songs—Duke Ellington’s “Mood Indigo.”

BADFINGER.
They were originally called the Iveys. When they signed with the Beatles’ Apple Records label, Paul McCartney gave them this name. It was the original title of the Beatles song “A Little Help from My Friends.”

FALL OUT BOY.
In their early years, they asked an audience what their name should be. Somebody yelled “Fall Out Boy.” They liked it and took it, unaware that it was the name of a character on
The Simpsons
. When they found out, they feared they’d be sued. But
The Simpsons
’ producers thought the band had the name first, and that
they
were going to be sued. (Neither was.)

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE.
Named after a song written by Monty Python collaborator Neil Innes for his 1960s psychedelic group, the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.

TLC.
It’s not what you think. It comes from the first letters of each of the group’s first names: Tionne, Lisa, and Chilli.

EMINEM.
The rapper gave himself this stage name using his initials—M and M (for Marshall Mathers)—spelled out phonetically.

NINE INCH NAILS.
Nine-inch nails are used in coffins. Singer Trent Reznor made a list of potential band names and settled on this one because “it still sounded good after two weeks” and could be easily abbreviated.

WINGS.
Paul McCartney came up with it while waiting in a hospital
wing
as his wife Linda was giving birth to one of their children.

EVERCLEAR.
Named after an extremely strong (190 proof) grain alcohol.

COLDPLAY.
They stole it from another band that broke up. The original band got the name from a book by poet Philip Horky, entitled
Child’s Reflections, Cold Play
.

What? Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention:
Aprosexia
is the inability to concentrate.

On a recent trip to Ireland, Uncle John spent many an evening going from pub to pub collecting traditional toasts (and many a morning after, begging for aspirin). Here are some favorites:

M
ay you have food
and clothing, a soft pillow for your head;

May you be forty years in heaven, before the devil knows you’re dead.

For every wound, a balm.

For every sorrow, a cheer.

For every storm, a calm.

For every thirst, a beer.

May the roof above us never

fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

Here’s health and prosperity,

to you and all your posterity, And them that doesn’t drink with sincerity, That they may be damned for all eternity!