Read Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
• DAVID.
It took them another four years and the invention of the microchip to build the computer they wanted: about the size of a pocket calculator, with a keyboard no larger than a credit card. The device, called “David,” was strapped to the player’s thigh; he could work the keyboard through a strategically placed hole in his pocket. But David was more than a fine piece of miniaturization. It took Thorp’s High-Low system to an exciting new level. What had made Thorp’s system so attractive to blackjack players was that it relied on simple mental arithmetic, which made it accessible to almost any player. But that was also its weakness.
Thorp’s system worked on approximations, not on the precise value of each card played. The player still had to make an educated guess on how to play a hand. But David could remember the values of every card played, analyze that information, and tell the player exactly how to play their cards. The player didn’t have to guess at all. They just had to follow David’s recommendations and rake in the dough.
Corn is grown on every continent but Antarctica.
BET ON DAVID
The Tafts debuted David in April 1977 and racked up $40,000 in winnings the very first week. They quickly set up a production line and offered the new blackjack computer for sale at $10,000 apiece. But before they could cash in, Marty Taft was caught with David strapped to his leg. Casino security had never seen anything like it before. They were certain it was a cheating device, but they couldn’t figure out how it worked (the Tafts’ use of microchip technology was far ahead of its time) and had to let Marty go. He had made a narrow escape, and that was the end of the road for David. In 1985 the Nevada legislature passed the Nevada Devices Law, making it against the law to use a card-counting machine. The maximum sentence was 10 years. Once again, the house ruled.
Or did it?
For part II of the story of the Las Vegas card counters, turn to
page 431
.
* * *
WORLD’S FUNNIEST JOKE?
In 2002 the University of Hertfordshire set up a Web site where people could rate more than 40,000 jokes—the goal was to determine what joke was the world’s funniest, across wide culture, age, gender, and nationality differences. The winner was from a 1951 routine by comedians Michael Bentine and Peter Sellers:
Bentine:
Help! I just came in and found him lying on the carpet in there.
Sellers:
Oh, is he dead?
Bentine:
I think so.
Sellers:
Hadn’t you better make sure?
Bentine:
Alright. Just a minute.
(He leaves. Sound of two gunshots.)
Bentine:
He’s dead.
Deep-sea fish can explode when brought rapidly to the ocean’s surface.
Uncle John is fascinated by the international rules of etiquette (especially anything bathroom-related). Over the years he’s picked up quite a few tidbits of advice to help you get by in foreign countries
.
A
rgentina:
People tend to stand very close. If you back away from someone, they’ll assume you’re shy and close the gap. Or they might just be offended by your rudeness.
Austria:
Cut your food with a fork. To use a knife implies the food is tough and unappealing.
Brazil:
Brazilian women can be romantically aggressive. It’s not uncommon for a woman to send a note to a man in a restaurant asking for his phone number…even if he’s with his wife or girlfriend.
Bulgaria:
In this east-European country, shaking your head “no” actually means “yes.” Nodding means “no.”
Czech Republic:
Raising your voice damages your credibility. You will be considered a buffoon.
Denmark:
Never
c
ompliment other people’s clothing. It’s considered too intimate.
Australia:
Don’t say “g’day, mate” to an Australian. Avoid the temptation to talk about convicts (Australia was founded as a penal colony) or mention
Crocodile Dundee
. It’s condescending.
Egypt:
Don’t add salt to a meal. It’s insulting to the cook, implying that the food is unpalatable.
France:
Bread will be waiting for you on the table in restaurants, but don’t eat it until the main course arrives. It’s not an appetizer—it’s meant to accompany meals.
Singapore:
Chewing gum, jaywalking, spitting, littering, and not flushing a public toilet are not only considered rude, they’re also illegal…and you can be fined $500 per offense.
South Korea:
If you want to get someone’s attention, don’t point and do the “come here” thing. Instead, extend your arm, palm down, and wiggle your fingers downward.
Hats off! Wearing a hat is considered disrespectful in Fiji.
Japan:
It’s considered rude to eat food on the street, especially if you’re walking. Sit down to eat, even if it’s a cup of coffee or an ice cream cone.
Italy:
It’s rude to get up to use the bathroom during a meal. Wait until the meal’s over.
The Netherlands:
Cafés and coffee shops aren’t the same thing. Both sell food and both sell coffee, but “coffee shops” are also places where marijuana is sold and consumed.
Hungary:
Never clink glasses. According to legend, 13 Hungarian generals were jailed by Austria in the 1848 revolution. Their Austrian captors clinked glasses at every meal, so Hungarians unofficially vowed to ban the practice for 150 years. Technically, the ban is now over, but it’s still honored.
Finland:
It’s the home of Nokia, so cell phones are universal. But in public places, you must set your phone to “vibrate.” If it rings in a theater, restaurant, library, or even at a sporting event, you will be asked to leave.
Poland:
When dining at someone’s home, thank them by saying
dziekuje
(jen-koo-yeh). But don’t say it to a waiter in a restaurant unless you really mean it; in that context, it means “keep the change.”
Sweden:
If you touch something in a store or market, you’re expected to buy it.
Thailand:
Thailand is a Buddhist country, so all life is deemed precious there. Be careful not to step on spiders, and never swat at insects.
* * *
A RANDOM ORIGIN
On a 1976 Lynyrd Skynyrd live album, singer Ronnie Van Zant asks the audience, “What song is it you want to hear?” The audience demands “Free Bird!” and the band plays it. The tradition of shouting it at non-Skynyrd concerts started in Chicago in 1988. Disc jockey (and Lynyrd Skynyrd fan) Kevin Matthews instructed listeners to attend a Florence Henderson concert and shout out requests for “Free Bird” to torment the singer. Fans then started yelling the song at other unhip concerts, then at any concert at all.
Equal rights: By law, all tombstones in Norway must be the same height.
Verbal gems actually uttered on the air by sports announcers
.
“If only faces could talk.”
—
Pat Summerall,
NFL announcer
“Hector Torres, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?”
—
Jerry Coleman,
San Diego Padres announcer
“A lot of good ballgames on tomorrow, but we’re going to be right here with the Cubs and the Mets.”
—
Thom Brennaman,
Chicago Cubs announcer
“Lance Armstrong is about to join a list which includes only himself.”
—
Mark Brown,
ESPN sports analyst
“I don’t think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf.”
—
Johnny Miller,
golf analyst
“Referee Richie Powers called the loose bowel foul on Johnson.”
—
Frank Herzog, Washington
Bullets basketball announcer
“It’s a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs.”
—
David Coleman,
British sports announcer
“The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.”
—
Dan Bonner,
college basketball analyst
“Jose Canseco leads off the 3rd inning with a grand slam.”
—
John Gordon,
Minnesota Twins announcer
“The offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they’re bigger than everybody else, and that’s what makes them the biggest guys on the field.”
—
John Madden,
NFL announcer
“Watch the expression on his mask.”
—
Harry Neale,
hockey analyst
“The game’s in the refrigerator, folks. The door’s closed, the light’s out, the eggs are cooling, the butter’s gettin’ hard, and the Jell-O’s a-jigglin’.”
—
Chick Hearn,
L.A. Lakers announcer
Lou Gehrig’s only film role was as himself, in the movie
Rawhide
.
Political arguments about one of America’s most cherished freedoms, the right to free speech, have been going on since the United States was founded. And they continue to this day
.
P
ARDON ME
In May 2006, Governor Brian Schweitzer of Montana officially pardoned 78 people who had been convicted of crimes in 1918, almost 90 years earlier. The crimes: sedition—“incitement of insurrection against lawful authority,” or, in the case of these 78 Montanans, criticizing the government. Three of the people convicted had written something critical, and the rest had simply said something aloud in public and had been turned in by neighbors or townspeople. Forty-one of the 78 convicted—40 men and one woman—served prison sentences for their words. “I’m going to say what Governor Sam Stewart should have said,” Schweitzer said, referring to the governor who signed the sedition law in 1918. “I’m sorry, forgive me, and God bless America, because we
can
criticize our government.”
THE ACTS
It wasn’t the first time that people’s words had landed them in prison in the United States.
In 1798, just nine years after the ratification of the U.S. Constitution, America’s first two political parties—Alexander Hamilton’s Federalists, and Thomas Jefferson’s Republicans—were struggling for power. The Federalists controlled Congress and the White House with John Adams, and they used their power to pass the Alien and Sedition Acts. War with France was looming, they said, and these laws were necessary to thwart French immigrants within our own borders who might side with France. The Republicans saw the Acts as an attempt to crush the Republican Party. The Acts themselves, and how the Federalists prosecuted them, supported the Republicans’ views. Four laws made up the Alien and Sedition Acts:
• The Naturalization Act extended the period an immigrant had to wait to become a resident from 5 to 14 years. (Most immigrants at the time, particularly the French and the Irish, supported Jefferson and the Republicans, so the law made fewer of them eligible to vote.)
The horse pictured on Wyoming’s license plates has a name: “Old Steamboat.”
• The Alien Act and the Alien Enemies Act gave the president the power to imprison or deport any aliens he deemed dangerous to the United States. (This would allow the Federalists to silence any foreign-born critics, whether they were dangerous or not.)
• The Sedition Act, the most controversial of the statutes, made it illegal for anyone to criticize the government, the Congress, or the president, orally or through writing. (The only people who went to prison for violating the Sedition Act were Republicans.)
WRONGING THE RIGHTS
The Republicans were outraged, calling the Alien and Sedition Acts an “unconstitutional reign of terror.” And not just because the Sedition legislation didn’t make it illegal to criticize the
vice
president, a position which was currently held by Thomas Jefferson. (Criticism of Jefferson continued to flow unabated.) The Republicans claimed that the Sedition Act was in direct violation of the First Amendment right to free speech.
Twenty-five people were arrested under the Sedition Act (the Federalists never charged anyone with violating the Alien Acts), most of them editors of Republican newspapers who had publicly lambasted the president. Some of them:
• Republican congressman (and Irish American) Matthew Lyon of Vermont. Lyon, known as “Spitting” Lyon for spitting in the face of another congressman on the floor of the House some years earlier, had published an article in a newspaper he owned criticizing President Adams and opposing going to war with France, which the Federalists supported. Lyon blasted the Adams administration for, among other things, its “unbounded thirst for ridiculous pomp, foolish adulation and selfish avarice.” For that he was charged with sedition and found guilty—most historians say by a jury packed with Federalist supporters—receiving a fine of $1,060.96 and a sentence of four months in prison.
• James Callender, editor of the
Republican Richmond Examiner
, who said Adams was “mentally deranged” and a “hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.” For that he was fined and sent to prison for nine months.