Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (6 page)

“Before the cards that one is dealt by life are the cards that fate has dealt. One’s family.”

“Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically be disqualified from ever doing so.”

“There is no such thing as a true account of anything.”

“There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.”

“It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.”

“I have found that there is no attitude so bizarre that one will not encounter it sooner or later if one travels far enough.”

“A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.”

“Most lives are spent putting on and taking off masks.”

“Those who have not undergone minor disasters are being held in reserve for something major.”

“I have always found men quite fathomable. They look entirely to their own interest.”

“One’s neighbor is always the enemy. That is the nature of things.”

Bestselling book in 1783: Noah Webster’s
American
Spelling
Book.

These are 100% honest-to-goodness headlines. Can you figure out what they were trying to say?

Raleigh, N.C., Lays

Down Law: Two Pigs Per

Household

DR. TACKETT GIVES

TALK ON MOON

CHOU REMAINS

CREMATED

Mauling by Bear Leaves
Woman Grateful for Life

PLO INVITED TO RAID DEBATES

Louisiana Governor Defends His Wife, Gift from Korean

ROBBER HOLDS UP
ALBERT’S HOSIERY

New housing for elderly not yet dead

SILENT TEAMSTER GETS CRUEL PUNISHMENT: LAWYER

Greeks Fine Hookers

Council spits on shade tree appointment

F
EDERAL
A
GENTS
R
AID
G
UN
S
HOP
, F
IND
W
EAPONS

TUNA BITING OFF
WASHINGTON COAST

Connie Tied, Nude Policeman Testifies

Shouting match ends teacher’s hearing

DEATH ROW INMATE SEEKS DIVORCE

MAN GOES BERSERK IN CAR SALESROOM, MANY VOLVOS HURT

TOXIC DIAPERS FOUND IN WASH.

Policeman Shot in Basque Area

CITY OUTLAWS GIVING OUT PHONE NUMBERS, ADDRESSES OF POLICE

MEN PICKY ABOUT NOSES

Yellow snow studied to test nutrition

Hand Waves Goodbye to County Board

Body search reveals $4,000 in crack

County Wants Money for Taking Dump

April Slated as Child Abuse Month

Lady luck? One in four compulsive gamblers are women.

How do you feel about wieners? They look silly and have a funny name…but they’re loved by millions. This collection of wiener facts and quotes is from BR1 stalwart Jess Brallier.

• “Some people don’t salivate when they walk by a hot dog stand and smell that great symbol of American cuisine, bursting with grease and salt. But they are a very, very small group.”

—
The New York Times

• Known as “The Animal,” Ed Krachie is America’s wiener-eating champion. His best? 22.5 wieners—including buns—in 12 minutes.

• The favorite meal of acclaimed actress Marlene Dietrich was hot dogs and champagne.

• Wieners are an economical buy. With virtually no weight loss during preparation, a pound of wieners yields a pound of edible food.

• Lucky dog: In May 2000, Larry Ross stopped for a hot dog at Mr. K’s Party Shoppe in Utica, Mich. He had a $100 bill, and bought lotto tickets with the change. One ticket was a $181.5 million winner.

• “Grilling wieners—or even sauteing them in a pan—makes them look nicer.”

—Julia Child

• In 1970, at Camp David, the presidential retreat, wieners were served to Great Britain’s Prince Charles and Princess Anne.

• NASA included the hot dog as a regular menu item on its Apollo moon flights, Skylab missions, and the space shuttle.

• More hot dogs—2 million a year—are sold at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport than at any other single location in the world.

• The U.S. Department of Agriculture “officially recognizes” the following as legitimate names for the hot dog: 1) wiener, 2) frankfurter, 3) frank, 4) furter, 5) hot dog.

• Randomly slash a hot dog as it heats, and it’ll curl into funny shapes.

Holy cow! An average dairy cow produces four times her body weight in manure each year.

Ever found something really valuable? It’s one of the best feelings in the world. Here’s an installment of a regular
Bathroom Reader
feature.

The Find:
Taxi driver

Where He Was Found:
In his taxicab, near Brighton in Southern England

The Story:
In August 2001, Colin Bagshaw, 39, and his girlfriend hailed a cab and climbed in for a ride across town. In the cab, Bagshaw’s girlfriend happened to look at the driver’s identification badge and saw that his name was
Barry
Bagshaw—the driver was Colin’s father, whom he hadn’t seen since 1966. His parents’ marriage had broken up while his father was serving in the army in Hong Kong; since then Colin had always assumed that his father was dead. He wasn’t dead—in fact, in recent years he had been living just a few blocks from his son without realizing it. It’s a good thing they found each other when they did, because Colin was about to move away. “The blood just drained out of me when he said ‘I’m your son,’ ” Barry Bagshaw, 61, told the BBC. “I didn’t recognize him.”

The Find:
A piece of paper stuffed into a leather-bound datebook from 1964

Where It Was Found:
In a box of old books in Shelbyville, Kentucky

The Story:
Homeowners Tommy and Cherry Settle found the datebook while looking through boxes in their basement. Inside the datebook they found a recipe for fried chicken, one that called for 11 herbs and spices—a number that immediately clicked with the Settles, because their home was once owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Harland Sanders. The Settles believe the recipe may be a copy of Colonel Sanders’s “Original Recipe,” a carefully guarded trade secret and the foundation upon which the $20 billion fast-food chain is built. Only a handful of KFC employees know the recipe, and each of them is sworn to secrecy. When the company subcontracts out the recipe to other manufacturers, they always use at least two companies, so that no one else knows the complete recipe.

Winston Churchill smoked an estimated 300,000 cigars during his life.

So is the Settles’ find the genuine article? The Settles think so, because when they asked KFC about it, the chain filed a lawsuit to force them to hand the recipe over. “They didn’t say anything,” Cherry Settle says, “They just sent this court document.” Estimated “value,” priceless. If the recipe ever gets out, KFC is powerless to stop anyone else from using it.

The Find:
A gold and sapphire ring

Where It Was Found:
Stuck to the bottom of a shoe

The Story:
In 1999 Katie Smith of Harrow, England, lost the ring, which was valued at $45, somewhere in her apartment. She looked for it and then gave it up for lost when she couldn’t find it. Then in September 1999, she and her boyfriend Dave Gould went on a 10,000-mile trip around the world. They hiked along the banks of the Nile; they hiked across a desert; they hiked up a mountain in Costa Rica. Then they went back home to England. While Dave was cleaning off the mud that had accumulated during the trip, he found the ring…stuck to the sole of his hiking shoe. “It’s a miracle it stayed in one piece after the pounding it took,” Smith told reporters. “I never thought I’d see it again.”

SUNKEN TREASURE

The Find:
Bottles of beer—lots of bottles of beer

Where It Was Found:
At the bottom of a river in Australia

The Story:
On Easter weekend 2001, the driver of a beer truck lost control of his rig when a tire blew out as he was driving along the Tweed River in New South Wales. When the truck crashed, an estimated 24,000 bottles of beer ended up in the river. But they didn’t stay there long: according to news reports, “several hundred people, some fully clad in scuba gear, spent the Easter weekend diving for the beer and loading up their cars, with one person reported to have recovered 400 bottles alone.”

There’s a producing oil well beneath the Oklahoma State capitol building.

Some people consider the
Weekly World News
a low-brow tabloid. Uncle John calls it one of America’s best satire magazines. They have important news stories, too…like this one repinted from the April 1997 edition. AND IT COULD BE TRUE.

“CHICAGO—In one of the most frightening and bizarre alien encounters ever recorded, a man was paralyzed by a ray gun, then forced to watch as a trio of E.T.s rummaged through his wife’s lingerie drawer—and tried everything on!

“Carl Keaston, 41, says he was helpless to stop the grotesque space creatures, who gleefully modeled his wife Karen’s intimate apparel, cooing in delight as they strutted around his bedroom and preened in front of a mirror.

“ ‘I tried to scream, but I couldn’t get my mouth to work,’ Keaston recalled. ‘I had to lie in bed, watching as those things put on my wife’s bras and pantyhose—even the teddy I’d given her on Valentine’s Day. It was sickening.’

“Keaston, a machinist described by neighbors as a ‘normal guy,’ says the bewildering episode took place on April 8, when his wife was out of town visiting her mother.

“ ‘I was lying in bed watching some golf on TV when all of a sudden the reception got fuzzy,’ Keaston told reporters. ‘I got up and tried to adjust the set—then the whole house shook as if something heavy had landed on the roof.’

“Moments later, Keaston claims, three pale, slightly built creatures entered the bedroom. When he confronted them, he says, one pointed a cylindrical object at him.

“ ‘A blue light came out and I felt my body go numb,’ he said. ‘I fell back on the bed.’

Number of women who believe they’ve been abducted by aliens: 13,528. Number of these women who believe the aliens “kept their underwear”: 1,501.

“As he watched in disbelief, the aliens explored the room, chattering excitedly, and stopped at the dresser. Then the strange intruders pulled open his wife’s lingerie drawer.

“ ‘When I saw them pawing my wife’s panties with those long spindly fingers of theirs, I wanted to slug them,’ he says. ‘Then, when they put them on, I almost threw up.’

“After an ordeal that lasted about 20 minutes, Keaston says the aliens left, taking with them only two items—a black thong and a pair of pantyhose.

“While initially skeptical, UFO investigators are now taking the odd tale very seriously.

“ ‘At first this sounded like an instance of sleep paralysis. This happens when you have a vivid dream and somehow become aware that your body is immobile,’ said one UFO expert who’s probing the case.

“ ‘However, we’ve found physical evidence to support Mr. Keaston’s story: Some of the underwear left behind is radioactive.’ ”