Authors: Kelly Lawrence
‘No, Mum,’ I say firmly. ‘Joe would never hurt me, not like that.’ And instinctively I know it to be true.
‘He’s worried you’re going to judge him because of it,’ I tell her. ‘But I told him you’re not like that.’
She gives a little snort at that.
‘Because by telling me that you know I’ll now go out of my way to seem non-judgemental? Very clever, Ash. But I promise I’ll take him as I find him, okay? It’s never easy for a mother to meet her daughter’s first boyfriend; you’re not my little girl anymore.’
It wasn’t easy for me to catch her in bed with a guy either, I think but bite back the retort. I guess we both have some coming to terms with things to do.
I lie with her for a while then kiss her on the cheek and go to bed, texting goodnight to Joe and falling asleep before I hear my phone beep with his reply.
The next morning Dannii knocks my door to walk to class with me, as we’re both in at the same time. She doesn’t even mention our row the other day, just chatters on about what a jerk Dean is and how she’s now got her sight sets on this other guy she met at his place, just as Joe had told me.
‘But won’t that just wind Dean up more?’ I point out. Dannii just shrugs and starts talking about something else. I wonder if this new boy is in fact nothing but a tool to do exactly that; wind Dean up. I think Dannii is a lot more into
him than she’s letting on, and is actually pretty gutted about their break up. Of course, she’ll never admit it.
‘So you and Joe are back on?’ she cuts into my thoughts with an abruptness that makes me think she’s really wanted to ask me this all along.
‘We were never off,’ I say, not missing the quick frown that she quickly replaces with an interested smile. ‘But yeah, things are great.’
She links her arm through mine. We used to walk around school like this on our lunch break, making the younger students walk around us.
‘That’s good then. We’ll all have to go out again soon.’
I mumble something non-committal, not sure why the idea bothers me so much. After all she’s trying to be nice.
As we get to the sixth form block we hug and air kiss, Dannii going off to Media Studies and me to English. I watch her as she sashays down the corridor, her hips swinging as she passes a trio of guys. As one they turn their heads to watch her and a twinge of jealousy gnaws at my gut. Never before have I ever seen Dannii as any kind of rival, and yet since I’ve met Joe there seem to be undercurrents in our friendship and if I’m honest, they’re not all coming from her. I shake my head at myself as I walk into class. It’s hardly Dannii’s fault she’s gorgeous.
Today’s lesson is actually pretty interesting, and I get through a whole hour before realising I haven’t sat and daydreamed about Joe once. Of course as soon as I think it he’s on my mind for the rest of the morning. He rings at break, and as always the sound of his voice gets my tummy fluttering.
‘Hey, sexy,’ he says and I blush like a schoolgirl, ‘want to meet up this afternoon? It’s my half day at work and I’ve got college tonight.’
I’d forgotten he wasn’t working this afternoon. My heart
pace picks up as I contemplate seeing him earlier than anticipated.
‘Sure, I’m finished at half one.’
As soon as he’s gone I run to the toilets to check my hair and apply more mascara, wishing I had put nicer underwear on and then blushing at my own thoughts. With any luck, it won’t be staying on for too long. I’m almost hungry to feel his hands on me again.
My phone beeps with a message just as I pick it up to put it on silent and my fingers rush to open it, expecting it to be from Joe, but it’s Rianne, which is a surprise because she’s not really in the habit of texting.
Can you pop round today? Need to tell you something
.
That sounds odd, but I try to tell myself she probably needs a friend and is just stressed out with motherhood. Or maybe she and Mitch are having problems. Yet in spite of my assurances to myself I can’t shake the notion that whatever she needs to tell me, I’m not going to like it. The ominous feeling hangs over me for the rest of class, taking the edge off my excitement at seeing Joe. I decide I’ll pop in on my way to his house, and ignore the little voice telling me not to, in case it’s bad news.
In case whatever she is about to tell me is going to change everything.
The sense of foreboding is still there as I stand on Rianne’s doorstep, waiting for her to answer. I’ve been standing here for a few minutes and I’m about to ring the bell again when I see her outline through the glass.
‘Sorry,’ she says as she answers and ushers me in. ‘I just had to change Gabe, he’s been sick all over himself.’
I smile at little Gabriel and he rewards me with a gummy grin, then loudly fills his nappy. The stink hits me nearly straight away. Rianne rolls her eyes, sighing.
‘That’s the third time today. He had his jabs yesterday and his tummy’s playing right up,’ she says as I sit down and she lays the baby on his changing mat.
‘He seems happy enough,’ I observe, watching him beam at his mum, kicking his fat little legs.
‘Well, he’s had a good sleep, but he’s going through nappies like anything.’ Rianne wrinkles her nose as she puts the dirty nappy into a little plastic bag and ties it before throwing it into the kitchen bin with what is clearly a well-practiced shot. With the required baby talk out of the way she leaves Gabriel to lie on the mat shoving a teddy bear into his mouth and sits next to me.
The bad feeling comes back. She’s not quite meeting my eyes and in an instant I know, I just somehow know that whatever this is it’s about Joe. And it’s not going to be good.
‘Spit it out then, Ri, what do you need to tell me?’
She looks at the floor as if she’s considering how to tell me then meets my eyes and says in a matter of fact tone, ‘I heard a rumour that Dannii and Joe were kissing at some party. I don’t know how true it is so I haven’t mentioned it to anyone other than you. It might just be gossip, but I
thought you should know.’
She sounds so reasonable it takes me a few minutes to grasp what it is that she’s actually said. Then it hits me and my stomach lurches.
‘At a party?’
My body has gone all still, even my mouth struggling to form the words. All I can think is,
I knew it
. I’ve not wanted to admit it to myself, just as I didn’t want to face what I thought was going on with my parents, but I know there’s something not right where Dannii and Joe are concerned. I had thought – or hoped – I was just being insecure.
I press my hand to my stomach as it lurches again.
‘Where was this party?’ I ask again, fixating on that one detail, remembering Dannii’s casual remark about a party at Dean’s. Where Joe would be. When I was stuck in my room.
The night after I’d given him my virginity.Looking down at my hands I see they’re shaking, but I feel weirdly detached from them, as if I’m in someone else’s body.
But Rianne’s answer isn’t what I expect.
‘At her house, when her brother came back. I don’t know exactly when, like I said it might just be gossip.’
My heart sinks to meet my stomach.
‘I was there that night. I stayed with him,’ I say, but I know that doesn’t make it not true. Because there was the ten minutes or so when they had both disappeared, and then reappeared within seconds of each other, but it was all forgotten about because of the standoff with Jason and his mates.
‘Who did you hear this off?’ I ask, hoping that just maybe this is something to do with Jason, a way for him to get back at us, and not true at all. But I’m just clutching at straws.
‘Mitch was in the pub and he saw Michael. He told him,
but he hadn’t seen it himself, his friend told him later on that night.’
No, I remember, Michael had been in the kitchen with some girl. So it might still not be true, which would be a lot more comforting if my memory wasn’t assailed with all the little things I’ve noticed, little puzzles that are now coming together to make a very clear picture. The way she was all over him at the cinema, his face for just a second when we spoke about her at the garage, and Dannii’s comment, with her perfectly plucked eyebrow raised: ‘What makes you think he doesn’t?’
Something’s happened, I know it has, and the knowledge is too much. It’s like a physical blow, my body curling up as if to protect myself from it. Rianne looks horrified.
‘Ash, I’m so sorry. I wish I’d never told you, but I thought if you found out from someone else and I’d known the whole time…’ she trails off and I see the threat of tears in her eyes.
‘No, you did the right thing,’ I say, my voice hollow. ‘I would have done the same.’ I try and smile at her and she looks relieved, but it’s a more a grimace than a smile, my facial muscles revolting. All I want to do is scream and scream and scream, but it isn’t Rianne’s fault. At least one of my friends is loyal.
‘I can’t believe her,’ I say, and my voice is a whisper now. Rianne pats my knee, an awkward gesture that I know is meant to be comforting.
‘Dannii’s just out for herself,’ she says quietly. ‘She soon dropped me when I wasn’t available to hang out with her all the time. She’s barely seen Gabe.’
Before this I would have tried to defend Dannii. I always have, and for this? A wave of anger makes me ball my fists.
‘I have to go,’ I say, standing up. Rianne stands up with
me, looking worried.
‘Don’t do anything crazy; remember, we don’t even know if it’s true.’ But even she doesn’t sound convinced.
My limbs feel numb as I hug Rianne goodbye and start to walk to Joe’s, wondering what the hell I’m going to say to him. What I’m going to do. I understand why people refer to betrayal as being stabbed in the back because just the thought of it makes my insides twist painfully. I feel fragile, like I’m about to break.
Sill, by the time I reach Joe’s I’ve managed to take a few deep breaths and compose myself a bit, but my heart’s a lump in my throat as he answers the door, looking as hot as ever, his face lighting up when he sees me.
‘Babe!’ he wraps me in a hug that I return stiffly, holding my breath because I don’t want to catch the scent of him as my face is crushed into his neck, don’t want to crumble and dissolve into tears right on his doorstep. He steps back with a frown but doesn’t say anything. Steph is there, waving over at me. I wave back, letting out my breath in a sigh that’s almost a moan. Joe looks worried.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘I’ll tell you in a minute,’ I say in a hushed tone and Joe looks over at Steph and back at me.
‘Okay, well, come upstairs. I need to grab a shower, then you can tell me. Is it your mum again?’
He takes my sullen shrug as assent and leads me up the stairs. In his room he strips off and ties the towel round his waist without any self-consciousness at all and in spite of myself I have to look. I still feel the familiar stab of desire at the sight of him but now it’s accompanied by a nauseous empty feeling that has me turning my head away and blinking back tears. Joe kisses me on the head before he goes into the bathroom.
‘I won’t be a minute, babe.’ He sounds so concerned, I
think bitterly, no doubt thinking I’ve come running to him with my silly family dramas again and I’ll be straight in his bed again afterwards. Because if this is true, if anything has happened between him and Dannii then it was all a lie, he can’t really love me at all and I’ve done the very thing I’ve never wanted to; given my virginity up to someone who will just throw it away.
It can’t be true. Oh God, don’t let it be true.
I wait for him, my hands shaking again, running through all the possible scenarios in my mind and not one of them has a happy ending. Except the one where all of this is a bad dream and I wake up and Joe and I are still in love and Dannii is still my best friend.
A shrill beep makes me jump and I look in its direction, spotting Joe’s phone on the table near his bed. I pick it up and draw in a sharp breath as I see the little notification that tells him he has received a picture message. And from someone called ‘D’.
Knowing I shouldn’t but equally knowing I have to I click on the button to open it, my heart pounding in my chest.
As the image appears before me a wave of nausea so strong hits me that I feel dizzy and sit down, still staring at the picture.
Dannii. Smiling provocatively at the camera, her silky hair down all over her shoulders, not quite covering her boobs. Her naked boobs.
I put the phone back where it was, tearing my eyes away from the photo, my mind struggling to process what this means. More than a quick snog at a party. He could be sleeping with her too, comparing me, the virgin, to my hotter and more experienced best friend. The thought makes me burn with shame imagining them curled up together, laughing at me. I don’t want to believe it, not
when I was so sure of him, so sure he meant all he had said. But the evidence is staring me in the face.
I hear Joe coming back in the room and I stand up, hoisting my bag on my shoulder.
‘What are you doing?’
‘I’m going,’ I answer, not looking at him but at a point over his shoulder, ‘and I’m not coming back.’
Joe steps towards me, holding a hand out as if to touch me and I recoil sharply. He drops his hand, the hurt evident in his eyes. Good. And in that moment I decide I’m not going to confront him, not going to rage and cry and plead with him for answers. My anger settles in my stomach like a hot hard ball and still refusing to meet his eyes I push past him.
‘Ash, what the hell? Why are you being like this?’
‘Leave me alone,’ I toss back over my shoulder, catching his eyes long enough to see the raw pain in his eyes, ‘this was a mistake.’
I storm down the stairs and straight out of the door, not stopping to say goodbye to Steph and ignoring Joe’s calls for me to come back. I half expect him to follow me, but he doesn’t.
He calls me when I reach the end of his street but I reject it and dial Dannii’s number instead, her cheerful voice when she answers bringing with it a fresh surge of anger. I wonder if she’s got dressed.
‘Hi, babe, what are you up to tonight?’