Unconditionally (Brown County #4) (11 page)

“Where are we?” Now wasn’t the time for my incessant chatter but it would give me just the right amount of extra time to calm my nerves.

“This is where I live, for now. Gwen lets me live here practically rent free in exchange for keeping an eye on the place while she isn’t here. It’s hard for her to trust people, so I’m doing her a favor.”

I didn’t mean to tune him out but everything faded away after he said he lived here. My mind instantly wandered to how many guys had he brought up here for an evening quickie? So many different scenarios that I hadn’t realized that I was standing in the doorway, alone.

Roman was throwing his keys on the counter of his small kitchenette connected right off of his living room, which looked to double as a bedroom as his couch was pulled out into a bed and the sheets were crumpled in a ball on the middle of his thin mattress.

I wasn’t here to critique or judge, but I didn’t feel right here and my first initial instinct was becoming more justified the closer I moved to his couch bed. I looked around taking in every inch of the small space, “Your place is definitely…unique.” That’s all I could think of to say about it without sounding like a complete ass. And it technically wasn’t a lie. Several piles of his clothes were scattered along the floor and dust seemed to be living here as his roommate, my fingers were itching to clean up and my erection was quickly deflating.

This was going to be a wasted trip up here, I just hoped that Roman wouldn’t take it too personally. I could see it now that I wouldn’t be allowed to show my face back in the bar because I blew off so much sexiness.

A pair of hands cradled my face and I was able to snap out of my over analyzing and focus on Roman’s lingering eyes and strong jaw. “Quit thinking so much and just feel.”

His lips descended on mine and that was the last I could think of his living room that was in disarray.

Before we each fell onto the bed, Roman produced a remote from in between the mattress and the arm rest on his couch bed and pressed a few buttons. Not long after he tossed the remote onto the floor, “Latch” by Disclosure streamed in through the speakers strategically placed throughout.

My mind as well as my body submitted to this man as I opened myself to him.

Once we were free of our restricted clothing, it was all about the tangling of limbs.

Roman’s lips descended down the front of my torso stopping just shy of the top of my belly button. Bracing his hands on my hips he flipped me over to where I was lying face down on my stomach and proceeded to run his tongue down my spine as he climbed my body, all the way to my neck.

The distinct feeling of being nudged by a strong hand was infiltrating on my wonderful dream. Life had somehow rewound itself and Gio and I were back together and happily in love, and the nightmare breakup had never happened.

The vivid memory was welcomed until the image of Gio and our well-deserved happiness began ever so slowly fading away as I was pulled back onto the other side of unconsciousness.

No! I didn’t want it to end.

“Toby, wake up.” The strong hand nudged me once more as Roman spoke.

Consciousness was not welcomed especially after the exhausting dance lesson with Gwen and the impromptu explosive one on one session with Roman at his place.

Then reality came back full force causing me to open my eyes. I couldn’t seem to move as my limbs were tangled up in Roman’s bed sheets. Wrestling myself free and stretching out my arms and legs which were stiff from both equally torturous and delicious activity, I released a silent yawn, “How long had I been asleep?”

“Not long.” Peering up at Roman he was already completely dressed and trying his hardest to look everywhere but right at me. I could hear a
but
coming, so I braced myself for the other shoe to drop as it always seemed to do. “But, I think it’s time for you to go.”

Wow! Let’s go ahead and bruise a guy’s ego with being extremely blunt.

With my head still perched on a stray flat pillow I reached a hand out towards Roman, “Come lay back down with me for a little bit.” Silently willing for him to comply, a look of concern appeared on his face which quickly morphed into pity.

I dropped my arm because I knew nothing else would change his mind and that one look sealed our fate.

I wasn’t stupid enough to think that this would turn into anything nor did I want it to. But I wasn’t partial to the idea that he could just use my body and then throw me away. I had feelings and at this very moment I wished I hadn’t wore them on my sleeve.

My sensitivity was getting the best of me and it wouldn’t do me any good for me to open the flood gates in front of him.

Moving the rumpled sheet from off the top of me, I stood up stark naked and held my head high as I dressed back into my sweaty discarded clothing.

“I don’t do relationships, Toby.”

“Cut the shit, Roman, I didn’t ask for your hand in marriage, I asked for you to lie next to me.” Once I slipped my feet into each of my shoes he made a move to come closer to me. Raising a hand to halt his movement before he came any nearer, I said, “You can’t always shut everyone out and jump to your own conclusions about people. You’ll definitely lead an extremely lonely life.”

I turned my back on him and silently let myself out the door without uttering another word.

Things wouldn’t be the same for Roman and myself and it wouldn’t be because we had sex.

Going down the stairs was easier than going up, but it seemed to take longer as my legs were getting heavier with every step.

I wasn’t what you would call a fan of one-night stands but I hated even more was having to endure the walk of shame. Especially during broad daylight and in a busy establishment.

The bar was now filled with paying customers here to have a good time with their friends and alcohol.

Alcohol, would definitely be consumed once I got home.

With my head trained towards the ground and my hands fiddling with my car keys, I tried my best to avoid everyone on my way out.

“Toby!” A familiar voice shouted out from behind me and I didn’t have to turn around to know that Gio would be right there.

Letting out a tremendous sigh, I reluctantly turned around and looked up at Gio.

He was several inches taller and the man still took my breath away. I know the expression on my face was laced with penitence and devastation.

Of all the times I needed to not run into someone I knew, now would definitely be at the top of that list, permanently.

His curly locks were glistening even in the faint light of the bar. It was a good thing my hands were otherwise occupied by being wrapped around my keys as I had to refrain from sifting my fingers through his hair.

“Hey, Gio. Long time no see.” That sounded like my voice, and my mouth
was
just moving but I couldn’t have just said those words to him, but yet I did.

He seemed almost as surprised as me at my choice of opening lines. Then he produced a little grin out of the side of his mouth, “It wouldn’t have been so long if you stopped avoiding my phone calls.”

Taking a step in my direction, I looked past him to see Roman flying out of the door that led up to his place, his chest was rising up and down as if he’d literally just ran down the flight of stairs.

Gio noticed that I wasn’t paying attention to him and turned around to see Roman stalking our way. He pivoted his foot to where he was back looking at me and the grin that was plastered on his face was replaced with sorrow, “Oh, sorry I didn’t know that I was interrupting something.”

“You weren’t. It’s just that…” I didn’t know exactly how to answer him. This was turning out to be the worst night in history and it was supposed to be ranking high.

“Right.” Gio stated matter of fact, “I’ll just talk to you later.” And with that he hung his head and took off in the opposite direction.

What in the world was happening? I was so confused and I was just beyond ready to leave this place and put everything behind me.

Roman finished filling the spaces between us and he placed his hands on my shoulders, “I’m sorry, Toby, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just that I have some issues that I need to work out.”

“Clearly. I wasn’t expecting anything out of our time together but I’m not the type to ‘hit it and quit it’ or whatever the go to saying is nowadays. I’m not into today’s lingo, I’m just me and if I’m overly sensitive or if I’m still secretly pining after a man who couldn’t take a chance on being openly gay with me, then that’s just who I am. No hard feelings, promise. I’m a big boy I can take care of myself.” I gave Roman a quick wink and turned around to finally make my way to the exit and low and behold I run straight into a brick wall of chest which I could only assume with my recent luck belonged to Ethan Bradley.

Without even confirming my assumption I gave a brief shake of my head and I lightly said, “Ethan,” and sidestepped him and continued my way outside.

The humid air of a Georgia summer was never more welcomed than it was now. As stifling as it was inside the bar, the air was so much freer on the outside. Too much drama and chaos and that was two of the things that I tried to steer clear of. I needed to put things in perspective for myself and stay away from Big Pete’s for a while, too many ill feelings.

Parking my Jeep in my driveway I threw back my head onto the headrest and just sat there for a moment, alone with my thoughts. I’m sure the rest of the evening would be spent recapping every single tiny detail and overanalyzing it as I often did.

It was no wonder that I was still by myself without a special someone in sight. Things would be so much less complicated if I just stuck to music and numbers. You didn’t need anyone else to keep involved with those two things and they were the biggest things in my life right now. I had my girlfriends but they were so wrapped up in their lives and their families that I’m sure they wouldn’t even notice my absence for a few weeks.

Once inside, my fridge was trained on my sights and I stalked my way to it never faltering until I reached its sleek stainless steel outer covering. This refrigerator had never failed me once in the three years I had been living here, keeping my beverages and food chilled to just the perfect temperature. I yanked on the solid black handle to open the door and examined the contents only to come up short. There was a major beer shortage, as in there was none at all.

Pacing back and forth on my tiled flooring trying to come up with another form of alcohol that I could drown my sorrows in, I came to realization that I never kept beer in my fridge because I hated it. My mind was so completely muddled that I couldn’t even remember my alcoholic beverage of choice, I was sincerely afraid that I was on the verge of losing my mind.

At the age of twenty-six, was that even a possibility of happening? This was it, it had to be all downhill from here.

After remembering of the one lone bottle of liquor that was stashed up high in my cabinets, I retrieved a chair from my dining room table, and scooted it along the floor until I reached the countertop.

Yeah, I was definitely losing my mind, I didn’t even care about the scuff marks that were left on my kitchen flooring.

Bracing an arm on the back of the chair, I hoisted myself up to where I could reach into the very depths of my oak cabinet, where no man has gone before. Oh it’s true, Tessa bought it for me and she was the one to put it up there.

Wrapping my hand around the neck of the glass bottle, I unsheathed it from the dark space in which it occupied and lifted it in front of my face as if it was the best thing ever made or a really bad decision.

Most likely it was more of the latter as bad decisions seemed to be my forte lately. But I was well past the point of caring.

I jumped down from the chair and then reached up into another cabinet for a glass. Fireball was most often enjoyed in the form of a shot but being fresh out of shot glasses I would go for drinking this extremely potent cinnamon whiskey from a nice large glass.

If I was really daring I would drink it straight from the bottle but alas I wasn’t. It would actually gross me out doing that and the thought sent shivers down my spine but not the delicious kind like Roman had invoked earlier this evening.

Dragging my feet along the tile of my kitchen and then the carpet in my living room, I flung myself down on the couch before leaning forward so I could place my clean glass on the coffee table and poured myself a big shot of the amber liquid.

Bringing my head back to rest on my couch I began to contemplate how I got here. Was I so hard up for love that I was trying to find it in the worst places? I didn’t think that I would settle on loving just anyone but I was indeed quick to throw the word around. Choosy, that was one word that wasn’t active in my vocabulary but it definitely needed to be. I deserved happiness and love so I needed to re-evaluate things in my life and make some well needed changes.

“It’s time to ignite the night,” I said lifting my drink in the air for a toast, more so to myself as not even my cats were around.

Traitors.

That first initial drink, once the cinnamon hits your tongue and as it glides back, it feels as if you are eating the hottest of peppers, the spiciest of foods. It continues to burn as it travels down your throat and esophagus all the way into your stomach warming you up from the inside out.