Undaunted Hope (20 page)

“Michael thinks that Ingrid had her heart set on you becoming
her new mother,” Alex finished. “When she heard you say that you wouldn't marry us, she must have gotten upset.”

“And so she ran away,” Tessa said, rubbing her hands up and down her arms but unable to hide her shivering.

The boys had resumed their wrestling, but Alex had no heart for interacting with them today. He stood unmoving and let them pommel him.

Tessa's eyes grew wider with the implications of Ingrid and Gunnar being outside in the dark and the rain. Even if the temperature had risen above freezing, it wasn't warm enough for two young children to be outside for any length of time.

She sprang into action, hurrying toward the door and her coat. “We need to form a search party and go find them at once.”

Nadine stuck her head out of the kitchen. “You two get a head start. I'll have William round up the older boys and some of the neighbors and join you.”

Alex nodded his thanks. Within minutes he and Tessa were outside, walking through town and calling for the children. Wolfie and Bear stayed by their sides, so he knew the children were nowhere near. They checked the schoolhouse, the churches, the store, every building in town.

By the time they'd made a thorough search of the town, they'd been joined by several other families carrying lanterns and calling out the children's names. Night had descended, and the rain continued to fall. The ground was slushy and his boots soaked. Tessa fared worse, and even though he encouraged her to return to the house and change out of her wet garments, she was adamant about staying with him.

The men agreed that they should branch out to continue their search. Some of the men would check along the shore, others the surrounding hills. As Alex hiked around the base of the closest
hill calling their names, he had a sudden inspiration that filled him with dread. The children had been pretending they were at the mine. What if they'd really gone there?

“The mine shafts,” he yelled to William Rawlings, who was combing the woods opposite him and Tessa.

William lifted his lantern and nodded. His long shift had ended only a short time ago. The dirty smears on his face said that he hadn't even had time to wash up yet. But William Rawlings was a kind man. Alex had no doubt his friend would keep looking until he dropped from exhaustion.

“I'll check shafts one and two,” Alex shouted above the driving rain. “You take three and four.”

William started down the road that led to two of the shafts with his oldest sons trailing behind. Alex grabbed Tessa's hand, and they climbed as fast as they could up the incline. They stopped at each of the mine buildings to peek inside and call out the children's names.

As he closed one door after another, the dread went deeper. He tried not to think about what could have happened if Ingrid had dragged Gunnar up into the mine. He knew with certainty that Gunnar would have brought Ingrid home by now. He wouldn't have stayed out this long with her. He would have carried her home if need be. He was too responsible and too caring to allow Ingrid to suffer the coldness and dampness of a rainy night.

Something must have gone terribly wrong.

“Gunnar!” he yelled, the panic growing with each deserted building he encountered. “Ingrid!”

Tessa echoed his calls, clinging to his hand as they stepped carefully over the rocks that littered the ground everywhere around the mine site.

As they moved into the number two shaft building and found
it empty, he stumbled and fell, his body spent, his illness of the past week catching up to him. He wanted to bury his face in his hands and weep. He couldn't go back to Michael without the children. How could he face his brother and tell him he hadn't been able to find them?

He couldn't.

Michael had been devastated for months—no, years—after Rachel died. Alex didn't want to think about how losing the children would affect his brother.

A gentle hand rested on his back. “Alex?” Tessa kneeled next to him. “Are you all right?”

He shook his head, unable to get the words past his heaving chest. How could things have gotten this far out of control? Why had he fought so much with Michael? In fact, he shouldn't have fought over Tessa at all. If she was so important to Michael, his own brother, if she was able to make him happy again and bring him back to life, how then could he stand in their way?

“Alex,” she whispered, “tell me what's wrong.”

He gasped for a breath. “This is all my fault.”

She shook her head. “I was just thinking the same thing—that it's my fault.”

“No,” he said almost harshly. “I've been selfish. I've only been thinking about myself and what I want. Instead of what's best for Michael and the kids.”

She rubbed her hand over his back like she might a sick child. “I shouldn't have been so forthright with my feelings this afternoon, especially knowing the children were close by and possibly listening.”

“Don't blame yourself. If I hadn't been arguing with Michael, none of this would have happened.” If he hadn't decided to pursue Tessa for himself, Michael could have quite possibly
been married to her by now, and Ingrid and Gunnar would be safe and snug at home, with Tessa cooking them a hot meal and tucking them into a warm bed.

Shouts came from outside the shaft building. He sat up to listen, but Tessa was already heading toward the door. Across the hill at shaft three, the light of a lantern wavered in the darkness.

“We found them!” William Rawlings's faint shout hit Alex and brought stinging tears to his eyes. He surged to his feet and followed after Tessa as she rushed down the rocky path that led to the connecting shaft.

As they drew closer, the lantern illuminated two small children huddled next to William. He could tell Tessa had seen the children too because she picked up her pace until she was running toward them. When they finally reached the other shaft building, Tessa flung herself at the two, drawing them both into her arms.

The children threw their arms around her and buried their faces against her. Above the sound of his own ragged breaths, Alex could hear their muffled sobs and each one tore at his heart.

“They'd gone down into the shaft and hid in an abandoned stope on level one,” William said, wiping a hand across his weary face. “When they thought to climb back up, the ice had formed so thick on the ladder that they couldn't make it up.”

Gunnar released Tessa and swiped at his cheeks before standing to face Alex. His young features were lined with the copper-colored grime of the mines, but nothing could mask his shame. It radiated from every pore and every muscle. “I'm sorry, Uncle Alex,” Gunnar said in a wobbly voice. “I shouldn't have let Ingrid talk me into coming here. I should have kept her at home.”

Alex didn't have the heart to scold the boy. His relief was too overwhelming to do anything but grab Gunnar and fold him into a crushing hug. “You were wise not to climb the ladder,”
Alex said. He tried to block out the thought of what could have happened if Ingrid had attempted it . . . He couldn't keep from picturing her broken lifeless body at the bottom of the shaft, hundreds of feet down into the earth.

“I could have made it,” Gunnar said as he pulled back to look up at Alex. Tears made trails down the boy's gritty face. “But I didn't want to leave Ingie. I was afraid she might try to climb up after I left.”

Alex nodded and glanced again at Ingrid clinging to Tessa. “That was smart. I'm glad you stayed with her.”

Tessa had pulled the girl down onto her lap and was rocking back and forth, murmuring against Ingrid's loose, dirty hair. Ingrid's fists were bunched in Tessa's wet coat, and she clung to Tessa as if she'd never let go.

Ingrid needed a mother more than she needed anything else. How could he have been so callous to Ingrid's needs all these months? How could he have ignored the glaring messages that Ingrid had been sending over and over.

He'd always prided himself on being like his father, on being able to sacrifice, to put aside his own needs and remain loyal to his family above all else. What had happened to him? How had he allowed himself to put his own selfish needs and desires above those of his family?

Tessa stroked Ingrid's hair and pressed a kiss against her head. The light from William's lantern wasn't bright, but it was enough to show the tears that ran down Tessa's cheeks.

He squeezed his eyes closed to block out her image—her beautiful, loving image. His chest tore with burning hot pain at what he knew he had to do. He had to relinquish her to Michael. Not only did Michael need her, but so did Ingrid and Gunnar.

He hugged Gunnar tighter. No matter what it would cost he
had to sacrifice for them. He swallowed the inner protest that rose swiftly. As much as he loved Tessa, he had to stay loyal to his family and do what they needed.

For they needed Tessa more than he did. It was time for him to let go of her. As agonizing as it would be, he had to do it.

T
essa took the mug of hot mead from Nadine and gave her a grateful nod. She hadn't been able to warm herself for the past two days, not since she'd gone out into the rain to help search for Ingrid and Gunnar.

“Drink it up now,” Nadine said, shooing away one of the little boys from the sofa where Tessa reclined. “It'll help warm the blood, that it will.”

Tessa drew the mug up, letting the wafting of spices and heat soothe her face. Her throat was scratchy, her nose running, and her head achy. She'd regretted that once again she'd had to cancel classes. But the chill ravaging her body had rendered her useless and tired. She'd done little else but sleep the hours away and drink the concoctions Nadine plied into her. And of course Hannah, her helper, was grieving the loss of her husband. It was possible his body might wash up onshore after the ice melted. But it was also likely he'd been swept far out and drowned in the depths of Lake Superior.

Two of the young children ran circles around the front room,
one laughing and the other crying. Nadine had placed the baby among the toys scattered about the floor to play, but she sat unhappily whining to be picked up every time Nadine walked past her.

The temperature had once again dropped well below freezing, leaving a coating of ice over everything. Samuel Updegraff had stopped by earlier that morning on his way to the store. With his round face wrinkled with worry lines, he'd informed her that even though spring had been delayed again, the warehouse down by the docks still had plenty of food and that they wouldn't starve.

She'd thanked him for his reassurances, knowing he was trying to convince himself more than he was her. Nevertheless, she was touched that he'd taken the time to visit her, and that he'd brought her one of the few wrinkled apples from the bottom of the barrel.

Nadine tucked the scratchy wool blanket back over Tessa's feet and then straightened. “Stay put and don't you be getting up and trying to do any work.” Nadine's tired eyes regarded her with a warmth that seeped into Tessa's heart and spread to her cold limbs.

She reached out and grabbed Nadine's hand, not caring that the woman's fingers were dirty or callused. “Thank you, Nadine.” Her voice was low and hoarse. “You've been a godsend.”

Nadine managed a half nod in reply. Smiling just wasn't a part of the woman's capability.

At a crash of a chair against the hardwood floor, Nadine spun away to grab the nearest of her children by the shirt. “I've told you kiddies a million times not to run in the house,” she yelled as she dragged the child to the kitchen. “I don't want to have to tell you again.”

Tessa leaned back and closed her eyes. She wasn't sure that she'd ever grow accustomed to Nadine's methods of scolding her children, and she'd become weary of trying to instruct her in gentler ways of mothering. Today, especially, she had no energy to issue any advice. Maybe once spring weather finally came, she'd muster the enthusiasm to form a gardening club or perhaps start a school for the mothers to give them tips on caring for their children.

While thankfully none of her scholars had contracted scarlet fever, many of them had missed school due to one illness or another that long winter. Though she continued to persevere and teach whomever showed up each day, she'd run out of paper and slate pencils. It was getting more difficult to ignore the ever-thinning faces and constantly grumbling stomachs of children who had too little to eat.

If only spring would finally come . . .

A knock on the front door interrupted her melancholy. Josie appeared seemingly out of nowhere to answer it. At the sound of Alex's voice, Tessa sat up straighter and swiped at the messy strands of hair that hung in her face. Against her will, her pulse pattered faster.

She hadn't seen him or the children since he'd left the mine carrying Ingrid in his arms with Gunnar following behind with slumped shoulders. Nadine had brought her reports and assured her the children hadn't suffered in the least from the escapade. Yet Tessa hadn't been able to stop from worrying about them, wanting the opportunity to talk to Ingrid and make things right.

She didn't exactly know what she'd tell Ingrid. She hadn't changed her mind about marrying either Alex or Michael. Even if they hadn't been lightkeepers, she still wouldn't have considered them, not when as a woman teacher she was prohibited from
marrying. Perhaps a deeper part of her also wanted to prove that she could reclaim her lost reputation, that she could stay strong, and earn a good name as a single woman.

Whatever the case, she should have made clear all along that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. At the very least she could reassure the sweet girl not to stop praying that God would bring along the right mother eventually, even though it wasn't her.

“Miss Taylor!” Ingrid cried as she entered the room. With her crutch under one arm, she shuffled across the floor, dodging the baby and toys. Her eager eyes were fixed on Tessa's face, a tremulous smile upon her lips.

Behind her came Gunnar, looking everywhere but at Tessa, his face pink with embarrassment. She was surprised to see Michael enter next with Alex at his side holding him up. Michael's face was taut from obvious pain, but his hair was neatly combed and his skin smooth from a recent shave. Although he was still suffering, Tessa was relieved that he was finally up on his feet again, that he wasn't letting all that had happened hold him down for too long.

Alex, on the other hand, didn't look as if he was faring as well. His hair was unkempt, his face shadowed with several days' worth of stubble, and the circles under his eyes were dark. He steadied Michael and half carried him inside.

She waited for his ready smile, the carefree grin that never failed to melt her reserve. But he focused all his attention on Michael, talking to his brother gently, encouraging him toward one of the chairs near the sofa. He didn't give her even the briefest of glances, almost as if she wasn't in the room.

“We heard you were sick,” Ingrid said, stopping in front of her. The little girl started to reach for her, then folded her hands in front of her.

“I just have a little touch of something,” Tessa said in her scratchy voice. “It's nothing. I'm sure I'll be better in no time.”

Ingrid took in the blanket covering her, the steaming cup of mead, and then Tessa's face, which she was sure was pale and gaunt. Any trace of Ingrid's smile faded. Instead the girl's eyes turned glassy, and her bottom lip wobbled.

“I'm sorry,” Ingrid whispered.

“Sorry for what?” Tessa cupped the girl's cheek, needing to test for herself that Ingrid really was safe and well.

“I'm sorry for running away and making you have to go out into the cold to find me.”

“You shouldn't have run outside like that,” Tessa said softly. “But it wasn't your fault that I got wet and cold. That was my own.”

A tear spilled over and slid down Ingrid's cheek. “But if I'd stayed home, you wouldn't have had to look for me.”

Tessa set aside her mug and wrapped her arms around Ingrid. “We all make mistakes sometimes.” She thought about the rash words she'd spoken to the men about never marrying them. She'd only been thinking of herself. She hadn't considered their feelings or needs. And she certainly hadn't paid attention to how her words might affect Ingrid. “Even I make mistakes,” she whispered against Ingrid's head.

Ingrid nuzzled her nose into Tessa's neck.

“And I'm very sorry if I hurt your feelings with the things I said to your father.”

Ingrid nodded. The one small motion was all Tessa needed. Ingrid had forgiven her. Tessa released a long breath. As much as she wanted to lump Ingrid and Gunnar with all her other students, somehow she couldn't. She wasn't sure how it had happened, but Ingrid and Gunnar earned a special place in her
heart. When she'd held Ingrid after finding her in the mine shaft, she imagined that the depths of her feelings for the children mirrored what a mother might feel.

Tessa savored the bony arms around her neck and the soft cheek pressed against her. She closed her eyes, wanting to capture the moment because she knew it wouldn't last. Even if she had motherly feelings toward the children, she had to stay impartial. Eventually she'd have to tell the little girl that even if they were both sorry for what had happened, Tessa couldn't change the fact that she wasn't planning to become Ingrid's mother.

If she ever changed her mind about the men—which would be a miracle—she knew she wouldn't choose Michael. She couldn't deny that of the two, she was more attracted to Alex. There was something there between them that she didn't understand but that was undeniable.

She slid another glance at him, expecting him to be sneaking a look at her. But he had his back to her and was helping to arrange Michael in the chair.

Her chest pricked with unexpected pain. It didn't matter what was there between them, they simply didn't have a future together.

Ingrid squeezed her again. “Uncle Alex said you didn't mean everything you said,” she whispered. “He told Daddy to get another job someplace else besides a lighthouse and that then you'd marry Daddy.”

Tessa froze and stared at Alex's broad shoulders and the muscles beneath his snug sweater as he spread a blanket across Michael's legs. “He told your daddy to get another job?”

Ingrid nodded solemnly.

Nadine had come from the kitchen and was fussing over Michael and Alex so she couldn't see either of their faces.

Tessa tried to picture Alex encouraging Michael to get another job so that he would be free to marry her. After the argument she'd overheard between them earlier in the week, she couldn't imagine Alex ever saying such a thing, not when he'd been so insistent about marrying her for himself.

She shook her head and turned her attention back to Ingrid. “Let's not worry about any of that right now. Why don't you climb here next to me and keep me warm. I'm freezing and I think you're just what the doctor ordered.”

Ingrid complied with a delighted smile and snuggled next to Tessa as though she'd been made to fit there. Tessa took a sip of her mead and waited for Alex to comment about her laziness, to say something funny or witty. When he straightened, he squeezed Michael's shoulder before turning to speak to Nadine again while the youngest children attacked his legs and climbed all over him as they usually did.

Gunnar had knelt next to his father's chair and was watching his uncle with amusement. Alex flashed the boy a smile. “You used to do this too, once upon a time. But I had to give up since you were always taking me down.”

Tessa watched the light flicker in Alex's eyes and waited once again for him to turn his attention on her as he often did. She wanted to see the mirth in his eyes and feel the warmth of his affection. He bent to tickle the two boys, growling and pretending to be a big bear.

He was ignoring her. She frowned behind her mug. Was he angry with her for saying no to his appeal for her love? Certainly he wasn't that petty. They could still be friends, couldn't they?

After a few more moments of wrestling with the boys, Alex followed Nadine into the kitchen. After he was gone, the room turned strangely silent. Nadine had finally picked up the fussing
baby. Josie had disappeared. And the two littlest boys had trailed behind Alex.

She was alone with Michael and the children. They were glancing around the disarray of the room, at the toys and clothes on the floor, the muddy boots sprawled by the door, the overflowing ash pail next to the fireplace that needed emptying.

Michael cleared his throat and finally looked at her. “How are you feeling?”

I was
doing better until Alex came
, she was tempted to say. Now that he'd been here and had completely ignored her, she'd never felt more out of sorts. But she couldn't admit that. In fact, she didn't want it to be true. She didn't want to care what Alex did or didn't do.

“I'm feeling almost like new now that I have Ingrid by my side,” she said, forcing cheerfulness to her voice. She had to focus on other things. She had to act as though she didn't care what Alex was doing in the kitchen with Nadine. Because she didn't care, did she?

“Ingrid, did you apologize?” Michael asked, giving Ingrid a pointed look.

She hung her head and nodded.

“Gunnar?” Michael turned to his son.

Gunnar stood and looked Tessa in the eyes, even though his red face said he'd much rather be doing anything else. “Miss Taylor, will you please forgive me for not taking better care of Ingie and in the process causing you to get sick?”

“Of course I will.” She held out a hand to him. When he stepped nearer, she reached for him and drew him into a hug. He didn't resist. His arms came around her and he hugged her back tightly.

“I'm not all that sick,” she said when he finally pulled away.
His face was redder than before as he resumed his spot, kneeling next to his father's chair.

Michael put a hand on Gunnar's head with a nod of approval to the boy. Then he turned his attention back to Tessa. While his face reflected the same shyness as Gunnar's, there was something in his eyes today that Tessa hadn't seen there before. Was it confidence?

No matter what was going on with Alex, Tessa was glad that at least one of them seemed to be improving in temperament.