Under the Open Sky (Montana Heritage Series) (50 page)

             
Cade,

             
    Today was our daughter’s first birthday. I wish you could have seen her with her cake. She abandoned her fork to grab it by the handfuls; we were all laughing. She’s so wonderful, Cade; I love her so much more than I would have ever thought possible. She loved her gifts, one doll I bought her in particular. I accepted a date, Cade. I have to try moving on, though a lump is forming in my throat just thinking about it. I still miss you every day but I can’t keep pretending things are any different than what they are. Miss you.

Thirty-One

              Amanda stood in front of her mirror trying to calm her frantic nerves. It was Kevin; she knew Kevin, laughed with Kevin. It was a date! Amanda groaned, her hand coming to her nauseated stomach; she was going to be sick. By the time she heard tires in the drive, Amanda was a mess.

             
“Hi,” Kevin’s smile faded as he took in her appearance. “Are you okay?”

             
“I am a wreck,” she admitted.

             
“Would you prefer to skip this altogether?” the disappointment showed in his hazel eyes.

             
“No, I’m just nervous. Which is totally ridiculous, Kevin! You and I have been out before; why is this so different?” she demanded in frustration.

             
“Because this is your first real date since everything happened the way it did. Just relax, Mandy. Let’s go enjoy talking and laughing the way we always have,” he extended a hand to her.

             
“Okay,” Amanda, relieved at how understanding he was being, smiled.

             
“You look amazing by the way,” Kevin informed her as he opened the truck door for her to climb in. She had chosen a long black skirt and a light green top; nothing too fancy but nice.

             
“Thank you,” Amanda smiled.

             
As the evening wore on Amanda relaxed and found herself laughing as Kevin told her stories of his college days and some of the pranks he and the others had pulled on each other.

             
“We were awful, I’m surprised they didn’t kick us out,” Kevin was grinning as he raised his glass to take a drink of tea.

             
“Thank you, Kevin; I am having a really great time,” Amanda offered sincerely.

             
“Good,” he smiled across the table. “So how do you feel about your best friend marrying your brother?”

             
“I am excited for her, and all I can say is she should know exactly what she’s getting,” Amanda laughed.

             
“I can just imagine how he’ll be when he has daughters,” Kevin smiled and shook his head.

             
“Jenny will have to be the voice of reason or their daughters will never have a life. And that’s just it. I believe Jenny can and will stand up to him. In fact, I know she will. It would never do for my brother to marry a laid back soft spoken woman; he’d plow her under.”

             
“I can see that. What about you, Mandy. What do you look for in men?” Kevin asked her.

             
“Trouble, apparently, that’s all I ever seem to find,” she quipped. “Well, except for you; I guess things went fairly smooth with us the first time didn’t they?”

             
“So we’re off to a good start already,” he smiled; she smiled back. “I do hope that someday, down the road perhaps you will see me as someone you can do more than laugh and talk with, Mandy,” he admitted.

             
Amanda dropped her gaze; she hoped that she could come to that place, whether with Kevin or someone else; she feared, however, that she might not be capable of it.

             
__________________________________________________

              Amanda sat sideways on her couch as she faced Kevin, his hand on her knee, and his thumb lightly caressing her. Cadey-Lynn sat in the floor with blocks and a basket placing all the blocks inside only to dump them and start all over. Amanda and Kevin had been out together several times over the past few months and Amanda had enjoyed each of their dates but she kept waiting for fireworks; even a spark would have been welcome. Her brother’s wedding was fast approaching and she had already asked Kevin to be her date for the evening. She knew her family was taking this as a good sign that she was moving on; inside she still struggled to keep moving forward.

            
 
“What are you thinking, Mandy? I’m talking but you are miles away,” Kevin accused.

            
 
“I’m sorry I was just thinking about my brother’s wedding. Thanks for agreeing to go with me.”

            
 
“I’ll go anywhere with you that you want me to go,” he assured her.

            
 
“Ma-ma,” Cadey-Lynn stood and rushed to her mother to climb into her lap.

             
“
What is it, Cadey-Lynn?” Amanda snuggled her daughter close. She watched her rub her eyes and knew she was tired.

             
“It looks like someone is ready for bed,” Kevin noted.

             
“Yeah, she didn’t take much of a nap today,” Amanda shared as she pushed strands of black hair off her daughter’s face.             

            
 
“I should go,” Kevin stood.

             
“Call me tomorrow?” Amanda requested; Kevin smiled and leaned over to press a light kiss to her lips. Amanda watched him go and sighed. She loved nights like tonight. They had watched Cadey-Lynn play, they had laughed and talked, but she wasn’t sure it was enough to build a future on and it wasn’t fair to lead Kevin on if they weren’t going to move in that direction. He had made it clear that he wanted more and she knew the only reason he didn’t kiss her more often or more passionately was because he knew she needed to take things slow. He was the perfect guy; why couldn’t she just fall head over heels for him? Amanda sighed and stood to put her daughter to bed. She might well have to spend the rest of her life alone, she mused. That night she wrote:

            
 
Cade,

             
    I am so frustrated. I want to move on, for our time together to be something I remember as something that was special but over. Why can’t I fall for the guy who loves me and is here? Why do I still have to lie in bed at night thinking about you, wondering where you are; what you’re doing? Why can’t his touch spark the things in me that yours did? Why do I keep writing?

________________________________________

             
Amanda stood beside Jenny and watched as she exchanged vows with Trent. Amanda’s heart felt full. She hoped that Jenny and Trent would be deliriously happy together and that Jenny would put Trent in his place when he forgot that was supposed to be a nice guy. Jenny’s mom and dad had finally seemed to come to terms with their daughter marrying Trent. In fact, Jenny’s father had hugged Trent and held him a moment before releasing him just the night before at the rehearsal dinner; Amanda had to blink back tears as she watched her brother kiss Jenny and then escort her back down the aisle as his wife.

             
The reception was well under way before Amanda finally found a moment to grab a glass and wonder where her date was. When she felt a hand on her waist she knew he had found her.

             
“Hey, Kevin, sorry, being the maid of honor entails a lot of running,” she offered with a smile.

             
“No problem; I’ve just been admiring you all night. I think you’re supposed to watch the couple getting married, not the maid of honor during the ceremony but I couldn’t help myself. You look wonderful.”

             
“Thanks,” Amanda smiled. Her dress, a blue, sleeveless sheath that skimmed her curves, was a beautiful complement for her coloring and figure.

             
“Where did Cadey-Lynn go? Last I knew Naomi had her and now she seems to have disappeared.”

             
“Oh, one of my aunt’s friends volunteered to take her home and stay with her until I get there,” Amanda explained.

             
“That was nice of her.”

             
“It was,” Amanda agreed.

             
“So could I convince you to dance with me?” Kevin inquired.

             
“I guess so,” Amanda rolled her eyes and pretended it was a huge imposition.

             
They took to the dance floor with the others and Amanda laid her head on Kevin’s chest. It should have been a romantic moment; instead, Amanda found herself remembering dancing with Cade in the park under the stars.

              Amanda opened her door, thanked Janice for putting Cadey-Lynn to bed and saw the woman out. She then turned to Kevin.

             
“Thanks again for going to the wedding with me,” Amanda 

             
“I told you it was no problem,” Kevin reached for her hand and pulled her close. Amanda tilted her head and let Kevin kiss her. Tonight his kissed turned passionate.

             
Amanda kissed him back. She was waiting to feel more than mild pleasure at the feel of his lips on hers; it didn’t happen. Kevin broke the kiss and looked down at her with a sad gaze.

             
“I’m sorry, Kevin,” Amanda felt tears threaten.

             
“Hey, I thought, maybe it might work; I knew it was a long shot. I could tell back in high school that you had given him your heart, Amanda. I had to try though,” Kevin, his hands still holding hers, had stepped back.

             
“You are such a great guy,” she vented around tears.

             
“Maybe I should be mean,” he joked. “Or just dangerous,” his eyes twinkled at the suggestion.

             
Amanda laughed; this was why she so wished she could love Kevin.

             
“Maybe, I do seem to be attracted to that type huh?”

             
“No, just one; nothing wrong with that.”

             
“Except he’s gone and obviously isn’t coming back,” she said softly.

             
“Maybe someone will come along who can displace him. I wish you luck, Mandy. Friends?” he extended his hand.

             
“Friends,” she ignored his hand and hugged him.

__________________________________________

             
Amanda loved having Jenny on the ranch. True she was rather wrapped up in her new husband, Amanda would forgive her for that, but they still got to see each other frequently. Jenny continued to work at the hospital but she had cut her hours to part-time leaving her afternoons to be spent on the ranch. These were the hours when Amanda got to talk and hang out with her. When Jenny asked what had happened to Kevin, Amanda shared her mixed up feelings. Her friend hugged her and promised it would happen.

             
“Jenny, where are you?” Amanda called one afternoon as she entered the main house. Cadey- Lynn was asleep in her arms and Amanda laid her in the small play pen her dad kept in the living room.

             
“Up here!” Jenny called from upstairs.

             
Amanda found her best friend leaning over the toilet her face ashen.

             
“You okay?”

             
“I think I’m pregnant,” Jenny told her, one hand still on her stomach.

             
“Already?”

             
“What do you mean already?” Jenny stood and frowned at her friend.

             
“You two have only been married a few months.”

             
“Did I miss some memo as to how long we were supposed to wait?” Jenny asked in amusement.

             
“No, I just didn’t realize you two were trying.”

             
“I never went on birth control, we agreed before we ever married that we wanted to start a family soon. So after we married we just sort of quit trying not to get pregnant,” Jenny explained as she grabbed a rag and wet it to wipe her face.

             
“Ah, it all becomes clear, tired of the condoms were you?” Amanda asked and watched Jenny blush.

             
“They weren’t my favorite,” Jenny finally admitted on a laugh. “But then what would you know about them?”