She ignored me. “He’s a good man. He feels guilt he shouldn’t feel. I did it to myself.”
“Chelle –”
“I deliberately got pregnant with Kara in order to trap him into marrying me.”
Holy shit!
I stared, mouth hanging open and everything.
Unfortunately, words kept coming through her lips.
“I knew he didn’t love me. I always knew he didn’t love me but I loved him. Too much. I did that to him and he loves Kara, Brand and when I got pregnant I knew something was wrong. He was battling with something in his past. He didn’t tell me what it was but I knew it was holding him back from living a full life. So I got pregnant, convinced him to try to get on with his life and he settled for me. I knew it the whole time, Sylvie. He’d never gotten over you, though I didn’t know the issue was you, and if I hadn’t done that to him, he’d still be alone. He could have come to you free and clear. You could have your own kids you’d named those names. It could have –”
“Please stop,” I interrupted her and before she could begin again I kept going. “I gotta say, it isn’t cool, doing that to a man, not deliberately. Shit happens, I get that but deliberately?” I shook my head. “And babe, I can tell you get that he feels shit for breaking your heart but there’s no going back now. There’s only forward and this is between you and Creed. You need to sit down with him and talk. It isn’t fair to any man to carry the load he’s carrying from breaking it off with you when the whole time you knew it was a possibility.”
She turned fully to me. “I’ve talked to him, he won’t listen.”
There it was. The reason she was telling me this.
She wanted me to intervene.
I had to put a stop to this and pronto.
“Right,” I began, “this is new, for you, him, me and we gotta feel this out as we go along but I can say at this juncture I’m uncomfortable with being a Creed, Chelle go between. If you’re here to corral me into helping you two work out your issues, just saying, again giving you the honesty, I got enough to deal with right now with Creed back in my life, things at home at the same time hoping your kids like me. I can’t be that for you and I’m not sure I ever want that role. If you want it, you gotta do it yourself. I’m not saying I don’t want to be involved in things as they crop up down the road. I’m going to be a member of this family and, babe, not to hurt you but Creed and I’ll be building our own. But I get there will always be a Creed and Chelle that raise two great kids and although you got your man and Creed has me, you two have to keep your shit together so you can do your best job raising those two kids and that doesn’t involve me. It doesn’t involve your man. It involves you and Creed. You with me?”
She studied me then replied quietly, “I’m with you, Sylvie.”
I nodded then continued, “We got a job, you, me, Creed and your man, to be cool always for your kids. You probably know Creed had a revolving door of father figures and my stepmom was a loser. No kid deserves that and I never wanna do that to a kid, especially not kids that are Creed’s. So let’s find ways to figure that out so they don’t feel this and just know they have a lot of love centered around two great parents who want the best for them.”
I saw her eyes warm before she told me, “I think we can do that job.”
“I know we can,” I returned.
She held my gaze then nodded before saying, “I’m glad you feel that way, Sylvie, because that’s the way I was hoping it would be. Every, uh… ex-wife who’s a Mom always fears when her ex finds another woman and what that will bring. I’m pleased it brought you.”
I grinned again and stated, “You trapped him or not, babe, he got you pregnant so he
did
choose you so let’s just say Tucker Creed has good taste.”
She grinned back. “Yeah, let’s say that.” At my nod, she finished, “I should get going.”
“Later, Chelle.”
“’Bye, Sylvie.”
She turned to go but I stopped her by calling her name and she turned back. “Just out of curiosity and if it’s personal between you two, you don’t have to tell me but why do you call him Tucker?”
Her brows drew together and she said, “I was wondering why you called him Creed. Only people on the job call him Creed.”
Strange.
I decided, since he hadn’t shared, I wouldn’t so I just said, “Throw back from the old days.”
“Ah,” she mumbled but I got the sense she either didn’t get it or didn’t believe me but she let it go with a, “Well, see you, Sylvie.”
“Yeah. See you, Chelle.”
She took off.
I waited for a bit before I left the room to check out. I wasn’t going to tell Creed about Chelle’s visit. Not yet. I didn’t know what his response would be and I didn’t want to piss him off or upset him when he had his kids. There would be plenty of time to tell him and not ruin the last hours he’d have with them for two weeks.
Instead, I shook it off and took on Phoenix.
* * * * *
“She calls you Tucker.”
Creed and I were back in Denver, at my place, in the back room and I’d just told Creed about Chelle’s visit. I was sitting on the couch, Creed was standing at the window staring out, partaking of one of his rare cigarettes (he was trying to quit, he was also trying to talk me into doing the same) and blowing the smoke out the screen.
I waited until we were not on the go or in a public place to share about Chelle. Once I’d shared, he’d gone to his bag, grabbed his smokes, came back and lapsed into brooding silence, staring out the window.
I let him have some time and did this studying him.
It had been a long time since I’d seen this Creed.
Back in the day, we both knew our clandestine time together was precious so we made the most of it. It didn’t happen often but he had a lot on his mind back then, us taking off, what would become of his mother when we were gone, what would become of us. So he could go quiet, retreat into his head, think thoughts he didn’t want to share. I knew this because I asked him to share and he didn’t, no matter how I tried to break through. Eventually I learned that I didn’t need to try. He would sort out what he needed to sort out and come back to me.
Watching him, it struck me that it might make me a freak but I missed this and I suspected he hadn’t changed. He’d sort it out without me prying, let me in when it was his time and I just needed to roll with it. So I didn’t change how I dealt with it and let him have his time.
Though, considering I wasn’t a patient woman and sitting in a silent room stroking my cat and watching a man smoke and stare out the window, no matter how hot he was or how much I loved him, was kinda boring.
Therefore, I quit giving him time and mentioned his ex calling him Tucker.
He turned his head, his eyes coming to me then he turned his body, took two steps, bent low and stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table.
When he straightened, eyes back to me, he answered, “No woman calls me Creed. Only men… and you.”
“Okay,” I replied, not getting it but also thinking his somber mood meant he wasn’t up to explaining it.
I was wrong because Creed kept talking.
“Tried to keep the name, found women calling me that reminded me that I’d never again hear you do it. It reminded me of that night in the woods when we were kids and I told you I was who I was going to be. It reminded me of how you were there for me. How you were always there for me and how I’d never have that again either. So I went back to Tucker. Men call me Creed ‘cause that’s what men do.”
I nodded then asked, “So Chelle doesn’t know you’re Creed?”
He shook his head. “No one in my life knows but you.”
Okay, it was dawning on me I was seriously a freak because I liked that, a lot. I liked having that all to myself. There was a day when Creed was all mine. Now, with our histories changing, his body was all mine but his love was shared. I didn’t mind that. Even back then, I knew when we started a family I’d have to share him. That didn’t mean I didn’t like us having a piece of our past that was unaltered, no one understood, it was all ours.
“That wasn’t cool.”
Creed’s words seemed to come out of nowhere and made me focus on him again.
“What?”
“It wasn’t Chelle. I’m surprised as fuck she pulled that shit on you and it wasn’t cool.”
I shook my head but said, “I didn’t like it at first either, babe, but it ended all right. She wasn’t there to be a bitch. She was there to –”
Creed moved to the wicker chair, sat in it and lifted his long legs to put his boots on the table while interrupting, “I know why she was there and why she was there wasn’t cool.” He flipped out a hand. “Don’t know, haven’t lived through this shit, never expected to have a woman in my life I gave a shit enough about to live through it, so I don’t know how it should go. How I’d have liked it to go is me introducing you to her. Me having control of the situation. Me being at your back. Not you enduring a sneak attack which, luckily, because you are who you are and Chelle is who she is, didn’t go south. One or the other of you was having a bad day, it could have.”
“I can handle shit like that, baby,” I said softly.
He shook his head but replied, “I get that. I get you can take care of yourself. What you need to get is that I’m me and you’re you and no matter you can handle yourself and a gun and you got a tough skin, that doesn’t mean I’m down with you going it alone. Not with this. Not with anything. We always had each other. We lost that. We both feel that deep. Now we have that back and Chelle doesn’t get to take that away from you. No one does.”
Seriously, could this guy get any better?
I stared at him and he held my gaze steady as I did.
No, he couldn’t get any better. Then again, he was always the best.
I decided to move us on and asked, “So what are you gonna do?”
“I’m gonna sleep on it, call her tomorrow and tell her how I feel about it,” Creed answered. “Then I’m gonna tell her not to do it again. Then I’m gonna tell her I want the kids to get to know you better and us to have more time to get settled before she and I sit down and figure out what’s next for our kids and while we take that time, she needs to back off. And last, I’m gonna tell her she never approaches you unless you invite it or there’s somethin’ necessary goin’ on with the kids and she has to do it.”
“You don’t have to go that far, Creed. I liked her,” I told him. “She gave no indication we wouldn’t get along. Honestly, it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
I watched as he took his boots off the coffee table, put them to the floor and leaned toward me, elbows to knees, his face turning from serious to “right now, pay some major fucking attention to me” serious.
“As I said,” he started quietly, “I get you can take care of yourself. When I said that five seconds ago and explained, you didn’t get me. So I’ll make it clear this time. I get you can take care of yourself, Sylvie. What you need to come to terms with is, no matter how badass you are, I’m gonna take care of you, too. You can spout a bunch of bullshit about your experience, your skills, your fearlessness but that will not mean shit to me. You’re not only my woman, you’re Sylvie. When I say I have your back, I don’t mean it in the way you’re used to with the guys you work with. I mean I have your back as your man, I look out for you in all ways I can do that, including emotionally. So, you liked Chelle. This is not a surprise. She’s likeable. But I control that fuckin’ situation so I can control any hurt or upset that might come to you and I mean control it as in stop it. Now are you with me?”
I held his eyes and realized I had a choice. I could hold onto my badass and make an issue of this or I could let Creed do what Creed felt he needed to do.
I knew I could take care of myself and his protection was unnecessary. He just told me he knew it but he needed to make his position clear anyway.
It meant more to him to take care of me as my man than it meant to me to retain my status of badass. I’d weathered a six year hurricane and didn’t come out unscathed. Through that, Creed had not been there to take care of me. For him, that struck deep. Further, I was his Sylvie as I was now and still the Sylvie I was to him way back then.
He needed this. I didn’t need to make a point that might be valid but, considering his emotion, however valid, it was unnecessary.
Not to mention, it felt seriously fucking good to have that part of Creed back too, the one who looked out for me, protected me. I’d proved I could carry the burden but that didn’t mean it didn’t feel great to share the load
and
be back in the position to return the favor.
So I made my choice and answered, “I get you. I also love you, Creed.”
His face relaxed before he replied, “Right back at ‘cha, beautiful.”
I closed my eyes, hearing those words, feeling them warm my skin, loving every syllable.
It was a mistake. I barely had them closed before Gun suddenly scattered. This was because I felt a shoulder in my belly and I was up in the air. I rallied quickly but not quickly enough before I was falling backward toward the floor, Creed coming with me and automatically my arms circled him. One of his hands cupped the back of my head before I hit floor then both of his hands went to my shoulders. As his body held the rest of mine down, his hands put on pressure, pinning my shoulders to the floor.
“Pinned,” he whispered and I felt my eyes narrow as his lips smiled. “I win.”
“I wasn’t ready,” I pointed out the obvious.
“I told you we’d play out the challenge tonight. You had fair warning but doesn’t matter, you should always be ready.”
He was not wrong and that sucked.
I scowled up into his face as his eyes roamed mine then he rolled so I was on top.
He lifted a hand and pulled the hair away from one side of my face as he said, “You’re not ready, baby, we’ll do something else.”
“Can I tie you to the bed and do whatever I want to you?” I tried.
He grinned and my nipples tingled but he answered, “No. You gotta win that.”
Shit.
His other hand came up to pull back the hair on the other side of my face and he repeated, “If you’re not ready, we won’t do it.”
I wasn’t a squelcher but I didn’t know if that sucked or if I was in for the experience of a lifetime. What I did know was that I trusted Creed either to make it not only good, but phenomenal or to back off if it wasn’t working.