Her chin tilted up. “Yes.”
“You've known all along, sensed it all along?” He jerked to his feet, unable to take this lying down like some helpless fool.
She wrapped her arms protectively around her waist. “Yes.”
“You too?” He looked down at Kienan, who remained where he was. Quill couldn't help the horrible disbelief that crept into his voice, the echo of pain. “Since we met?”
“I knew the moment we shook hands. We touched and
bam.
I knew.” The wolf's chin dipped in a sharp nod, but he didn't meet either Gea's or Quill's gazes. “Yes.”
It felt as if deadly claws were ripping him open. He'd been a fool. Lied to, jerked around, played like a puppet in some game of theirs. They'd held all the cards, and he'd been the pathetic idiot who just wanted them near. His voice went cold, as cold as he felt inside. “And neither of you felt the need to let me in on this little secret?”
“We just did,” Gea said, her tone almost pleading.
“Not because you wanted to!” Red swam before his vision, and he had to reach for that icy numbness, for a modicum of his usual control. He wanted to hit them both, to hurt them the way he hurt. “I had a right to know. I'm not some child or jade you can toss aside when you're done playing with me.”
“I know.” Tears glutted her eyes, and any other day but today that would have moved him to bring the world to its knees for her. “I'm sorry.”
Kienan sat forward, his normal lupine grace turning to rough movements. “She had her reasons, Quill, if you'll calm down and listen.”
But he didn't want to listen. He didn't want to hear any more. He went to the clothing refresher built into the wall of his bedroom, pain stabbing into him when he saw their clothes hanging beside his. They'd put them in there to cleanse overnight, but he wrenched out one of his suits and jerked it on, stuffing his feet into prime kleather shoes. It felt familiar, this microsilk and wool uniform that meant power when he wore it in a boardroom. He was never supposed to feel like that helpless child he'd once been, but that was what his
mates
had reduced him to, and he hated them for it. Anger at them and self-loathing squeezed like a giant fist inside him until he wanted to scream.
“Don't do this, Quill.” Kienan came around to stand in front of him, blocking his exit. “Don't walk away from something this good.”
Quill's laugh was an ugly, horrible sound. “This isn't good for me.”
“Look, I don't believe in much.” The wolf-shifter's smile was a bitter twist of his lips. “Hell, a week ago, I would have said I didn't believe in anything. With the things I've seen? With the things I've
done
in the name of honor and country? But I believe in this. I believe in us.”
“Why, because we're
mates?
” Quill sneered the word as if it were a foul curse. It felt like one. Deus help him, it felt like one.
Kienan didn't so much as flinch. “Yes. Because we're mates. Because not everyone
gets
a mate. Because this is a fucking gift that I refuse to squander. In my entire life, I've never wanted anything as much as I want this. You can kick us out now, but you won't be able to stay away. You won't be able to resist this any more than we can.”
The ice inside of Quill began to solidify, to give him some cold distance between him and his devastating pain. “Watch me.”
“You think I was a tenacious son of a bitch for the government? You haven't seen anything yet.” Kienan shot back. “I don't give up that easily. I'm going to haunt you.”
Quill cocked an eyebrow, his voice disinterested. “So you're threatening to stalk me?”
“I won't need to. You won't be able to get this out of your head. You're going to be thinking about it all the time, and if I do happen to drop into your life every now and then, just as a physical reminder, it's going to stay there in the back of your mind.” Kienan's words rang with desperation, and Quill could smell the cold sweat on the other man's body. “You could have a mate. Two of them. If you weren't so determined to be in control every fucking nanosecond of every fucking day. When you finally get your head out of your feline ass, I'll be here. Waiting.”
“Two mates.” He glanced at the silent, pale woman who stood in his wash closet doorway, so still she could have been a statue. “Is that what you think, Gea? That mates are a gift?”
She dragged in a breath, a tear sliding down one cheek. “No.”
Kienan snorted. “Of course. When the
two
of you get your heads out of your respective asses, come find me.”
“You're going to be waiting the rest of your life.” Quill couldn't stand around and watch them leave. He refused to be the one abandoned. Not again. He decided when this ended, and it ended now. Stepping around the wolf, he all but dared him to try and stop him. The wolf shook his head but didn't move. Quill stalked out the door.
“Then that's how long I'll wait. I'm a patient man.” The wolf's gaze bored into Quill's back as he left. “I'm sure I'll find ways to keep myself occupied in the meantime.”
“Occupy yourself somewhere else.” Quill boarded his private lift, turning to look at them as the door closed behind him. Both of them stood in his bedroom doorway, watching him. “I expect both of you out of here within twenty minutes or I'm sending security to throw you out. I'm done with you.”
Â
A week had ground by with no contact from either of his mates.
Kienan stared out the window of his new flat and tried not to think about Gea or Quill. It was an exercise in futility. Pierce and his two mates had assured Kienan he was welcome to remain at Tail as long as he liked, but as much as he'd once wanted
any
connection, it was a knife to the heart to see how content the three of them were. He had to sort out his own life, figure out what he wanted to do with himself. A few discreet inquiries had come in from local branches of federal and city law enforcement agencies, but he hadn't accepted meetings with any of them. Not yet.
He should, he knew. Finding his footing professionally might help him feel less in limbo, but he couldn't help but think he'd be exchanging one master for another. He'd be living the same life, just answering to someone else.
It was far too tempting, to slip back into the familiar darkness. Let it consume him, rip whatever was left of his soul away. He could focus on the mission and put the last couple of weeks behind him, sever the tender connections that now felt like hot brands set to his skin. Maybe if he did that, this pain would stop eating him alive.
But he couldn't.
Even with the agony of it, he couldn't walk away yet. He didn't know
what
he wanted to do with the rest of his life yet, but falling back into his old life wasn't it. He'd had reasons for leaving, even if it felt like those reasons were evaporating. His finances were healthy enough that he could take his time deciding what to do next. It was what came from drawing a paycheck while having no home or living expenses for several decades. Creds went into the bank, and he'd rarely spent any of them. When had he had time to slow down and do so?
Not until now. His new flat was halfway between downtown and the Vermilion. Halfway between his mates, but not really with either of them. It was a perfect metaphor for where he was in life.
“This is nice.” Lorelei strode out of the kitchen and around the main space, and Kienan turned to watch her. “Not large, but clean, and without any of the vermin issues we have in my part of town.”
“She means the human vermin,” Nolan, the third in his cousin's triad mating, quipped from where he stood by another of the windows.
He was without a doubt the most gorgeous man Kienan had ever seen. But Kienan couldn't muster an ounce of sexual interest. Probably for the best, considering he was mated to Pierce. Something about Nolan's nanotats and wicked, knowing smile reminded Kienan too much of Quill. It hurt to look at him.
Nolan's dark gaze roamed the flat. “Good escape routes, but easily defensible, if needed. Good choice.”
Of course a government assassin would look at it from a security standpoint. Then again, so had Kienan when he'd gone searching for somewhere to live.
Pierce walked over and clapped a hand on Kienan's shoulder, something that might almost have been called sympathy flashing across the older man's face. “They'll come around.”
It didn't surprise Kienan that his cousin knew what was going on. Maybe it should have, but it didn't.
“Come have dinner with us later this week. You can meet my younger sister and her husband.” Lorelei flashed her lovely smile, still the most beautiful female ever born, but she wasn't half as attractive to Kienan as Gea. No woman ever would be.
“I will. Thanks.” He tried to smile back and knew it looked more like a grimace, but he leaned forward so she could hug him. The men shook hands and then they were gone, leaving Kienan alone to lick his wounds in solitude. He could only be grateful for the courtesy.
He glanced around at the empty flat and knew it would never be home. Nowhere he'd been in all the many years he'd roamed had ever been home. His insides twisted as the truth of his situation sank its claws even deeper. Home was wherever his mates were. Home was Quill and Gea.
They
were the connection he'd been lacking for so long, what he'd been unconsciously seeking when he arrived. He'd come to New Chicago for no logical reason other than a long-lost and barely remembered cousin, and within hours he'd had both his mates in his bed. It wasn't a coincidence. His instincts had led him to this.
His mates made him feel alive as nothing else ever had or would. He understood with painful clarity that he could never go back to his old life, no matter how tempting it might seem. He wasn't the man he'd been before he met them. There was no locking himself down with them, no withdrawing. With them, he
felt.
Everything. He was connected to other people in a way he'd never known he could be. It was terrifying, but he couldn't back away, couldn't divorce himself from this. They were his mates. They were his. And he was theirs. It was done. Game over.
He loved them with every fiber of his blackened, battered, lonely soul.
He couldn't give them up. He'd allow them a few weeks to cool off and think, but he wasn't going to walk away from this. He couldn't. It was easy to resist something that wasn't right in your face. Out of sight, out of mind. But if he were standing in front of them, he doubted they'd be able to restrain themselves. That was how it was supposed to be with mates. Better sex, better relationships.
If
you worked on it. And running away and denying it wasn't working on it, which was what his mates were currently doing.
Letting out a breath, he tried to ignore the emptiness inside him that seemed to grow by the nanosecond. It felt as if he had a slow-leaking, mortal wound where his heart used to be.
Deus, it fucking hurt.
7
G
ea ached, inside and out. Thank Deus for the investigation. It gave her something to focus on besides the pain that threatened to consume her. It gave her life some purpose, forced her to drag her ass out of bed when all she wanted to do was sleep until it all just went away.
She really was as pitiable as her mother.
Shaking her head, she skirted both Quill's and Kienan's places on her way into the Vermilion. She knew Kienan had moved, but she still had to pass him to get where she needed to go. She could smell them, and it was the hardest thing she'd ever done to stay away from getting her fix.
They'd done the right thing walking away from each other, saved them all from a great deal of suffering. The words rang hollowly in her mind, mocking her. As if she weren't suffering now. But it would get better. It
had
to get better. Just put one foot in front of the other, and eventually she'd feel normal again.
Tightening the strap on her pack, she wove through the narrow streets, keeping a wary eye on those who watched her, but trying not to draw attention to herself. She'd gotten a call from Meier an hour before, saying he had information for her, for a price. And he'd only deliver it in person.
It was worth the trip to see if he had anything useful, and it got her out of her flat, where she'd spent far more time than she'd want to admit staring at the walls and remembering the feel of her mates' hands upon her, the way they laughed when they were together, the way they made her feel so damn good. The contrast to her current misery just made her want to crawl out of her own skin to escape herself.
So she'd grabbed her bag and run from her office as if the fires of hell were licking at her heels.
The wind ripped through her hair, the city earning its nickname this evening. Dark had settled around her, and only her enhanced fox sight kept the world in focus. Bits of trash swirled around the streets in little tornadoes, and she glanced around to get her bearings. She was close to where Meier had wanted to meet, deep in the district. He was nearby, she could smell him, though the wind made it difficult to pinpoint where.
A block later, his hulking form separated itself from the shadows. He nodded to her but didn't bother with pleasantries. “I know where Tam is.”
“Oh, really?” She searched his face, looking for lies, but she sensed no dishonesty. He knew where Tam was, or truly believed he did. “Where?”
“Not far.” The German smiled, and it wasn't a pleasant sight. Deus hadn't done this man any favors in the looks department. “There's a finder's fee, of course.”
“Of course.” She handed over a chip with enough creds to make anyone happy. She should be excited, elated that there might be a break in this case, but she didn't give a shit. Probably not the best frame of mind to be in, but she doubted her clients would care if she was in a fragile emotional state. They wanted results, not excuses. Especially Constantine Breckenridge. The man didn't suffer fools.
“Let us go.” Meier rolled his shoulders in a way that reminded her of the bear-shifter he was. Lumbering, but still dangerous. She motioned him ahead of her and stayed a step behind him, ostensibly so she could follow him, but mostly so she could keep an eye on him. He hadn't done anything wrong so far, but she still didn't trust him.
For a moment, she wished she had Kienan there to watch her back again. It had been easier to deal with the big bear when she had her mate nearby. Quill had proved he could hold his own in a fight, too, but her heart seized as she remembered the look on his face when he'd found out the truth, when her worst nightmare had come to pass and he'd walked away from her. His parting words had rung in her mind for days:
I'm done with you.
Even now, her stomach heaved at the thought.
Meier stopped abruptly, and she was so distracted she stumbled, trying not to careen into his back. He twisted around and caught her arm, jerking her upright.
“Thanks,” she said, but when she tried to pull away, he tightened his grip.
He wasn't looking at her, so she followed his gaze and met the coldest eyes she'd ever seen. Fuck. She'd let herself be preoccupied by her mating woes and she'd missed the oncoming danger.
Too late. Far too late.
She froze, prey before a far deadlier predator than she would ever be. Suppressing all fear that might show on her face, she gave Meier's beefy hand a pointed stare. “You can let me go now.”
He grunted and pushed her toward the other man. “Got your girl for you. There's a finder's fee.”
“Of course.” The man smiled pleasantly, his English accent crisp. “Why don't you come with me, Ms. Crevan?”
Tilting her head as if she were actually considering it, she pursed her lips. “Why would I want to do that, exactly? I don't know you.”
“My name is Stefan.” His eyes were like shards of ice, but his smile remained benevolent. It sent a chill down her spine. “You've been looking for Felicia, is that right?”
She nodded, curling her hands into fists and hoping he didn't smell the cold sweat that coated her palms. “I have, yes. Do you know where she is?”
“She's here.” He waved a hand into the house. Despite being in the Vermilion, it looked tidy. The porch didn't sag; there were no rotting boards or rusty nails that threatened to pierce feet. That in itself was unusual. Everything about this was off, and would have made her hackles rise had she been in fox form. But for the first time since she'd taken this case, she could smell the other woman. Her heart rate bumped up. Breck had given her a few items that had belonged to Tam so Gea could get the cheetah-shifter's scent. And coming out of that house was Tam's very distinct essence.
Whether or not she was alive was another thing. A fresh dead body didn't smell much different from a live one, depending on how the killing was done.
“May I speak to her?”
“Of course.” Stefan gestured inside, but his gaze flickered to something behind her. Two armed men closed in, and the disquiet that hummed along Gea's senses intensified. It was like ants crawling over her skin. Fire ants that bit and stung.
Tam might be inside, but Gea had little doubt that the cheetah was as unwilling as Gea to be anywhere near this cold-blooded predator.
There was a sadistic glint in Stefan's chill gaze as his guards urged her past him, and she knew he'd enjoy killing her. He'd probably play with his prey first. Rape, torture, both. Bile burned at the back of her throat, her stomach turning. She didn't want this man's hands on her, or any other man's except Quill's or Kienan's. Her heart cinched tight, and she wished for one last moment with her mates, one last chance to tell them the truth about how she felt.
But this was the Vermilion, and it wasn't a place where wishes were even possible. Only cold, harsh reality existed here.
She lifted her chin and stepped forward, hoping she'd find a way out of this mess she'd let herself be led into like a lamb to slaughter. More than anything, she wished she had one of her mates at her back. Or both of them. But she was alone, the way she'd decided she should be, and that was how she had to face this. She'd made her choices, and now she got to deal with them.
Alone.
Â
Quill's eyes were gritty with exhaustion, and he'd worked himself into the ground every day, all day. Most of the night, too. Even then, he was lucky if he got a few hours of sleep before his demons began haunting him. He set his elbows on his desk, dropped his face into his hands, and rubbed the heels of his palms over burning eyes.
“Deus.”
Would there ever be a time when he closed his eyes and
didn't
see the looks on his mates' faces when he stormed away from them? It was difficult to hold on to his rage when night settled around him and he was alone. He could go out. There were any number of parties he could attend, from the posh to the prurient. A snap of his fingers and he could fill his bed with any man or woman he wanted. Several of each, if that was what he felt like.
He didn't.
That was the damnable problem, wasn't it? He didn't want anyone but his mates. Deus,
mates.
The concept still boggled his mind. He was a leopard. His species couldn't sense mates, so he'd never even considered it as an option. A person fated just for him. A perfect match. And he had two of them.
The thought made his gut clench. Most people would be happy at the idea, overjoyed even, but not him. Especially when he considered who his mates were. Those two wouldn't allow him to have power over them. They wouldn't do what he said, when he said it. They
might
talk to him before doing whatever the hell they wanted.
He couldn't control them.
He wasn't even sure he wanted to. Deus, he'd lost his mind. He'd spent his entire life arranging things to suit himself, so that he never had to worry about anything being outside his command, and here he was thinking he'd found something he didn't want to control. He blew a breath out through his nose. Better that he'd walked away than spend his life wallowing in that kind of lunacy.
A ping sounded from his palmtop and he jerked. Scrambling to pick it up, he was almost grateful for something else to think about. His thoughts had been chasing themselves in the same circles for days.
Janus's gaunt face appeared on the screen and Quill frowned, but accepted the call. There was no reason he could think of that Janus would be calling now. “North, thought you'd like to know I saw that bit of pretty you were with the other day going into the den of a man named Stefan. Nasty guy. People go in and don't come out again, if you catch my meaning.” It was difficult not to, and Quill felt all the blood leech from his face. Janus rubbed his nose, coughed. “She didn't look all that willing to go in. Big, ugly guy took her there, had a hold of her so she couldn't get away. Two other guys with guns made sure she went in.”
Quill's expression froze in place, his heart seizing in his chest. He didn't trust many people, but he trusted their greed. Janus wouldn't bother telling him anything if he wasn't sure it would get him some creds. And Quill didn't pay if information wasn't legitimate. So this was for real.
“When?”
“Few minutes ago, no longer.”
Which didn't mean she'd lasted the first few moments after she'd gotten in that door. Nanoseconds counted when dealing with villains in the district. “Thanks.”
“Always happy to keep a buyer satisfied.” Janus's face was grave, and that made the situation more horrifying.
Quill cleared his throat. “I appreciate that, and you know I'm always generous with my appreciation.”
“I do know.” The man nodded, gave Quill the address for Stefan's den, and signed off the call.
Quill swallowed hard, his mind scrambling for what to do. He could walk into any establishment in the Vermilion, could claim he had a business proposition for this Stefan, but from there it would be tricky getting both of them out of the place. He needed help, and he cursed himself for admitting the weakness, hated himself for not being able to control all of the situation without begging for handouts. He could use his own security, but Gea wouldn't trust them.
There was only one person he could call.
His heart leapt, and he hated that, too.
Keying in a code on his palmtop, he waited for the other end to pick up. And there he was, those gray eyes haunted. He looked tired, as tired as Quill felt, as if he hadn't slept well since the last time they'd all been together.
“Kienan, I need you.”
“You heard about Gea, too?” The screen wobbled as if the wolf were running while he talked. “I'm on my way there now.”
Somehow it didn't surprise Quill that Kienan already knew what was going on, already planned to deal with it in his quiet, efficient way. That was just Kienan. He always knew more than he should, always seemed to be one step ahead of Quill. He should hate it, but in this case, he was just grateful. Gea's life was on the line. He could let Kienan handle it, then. He didn't have to involve himself any further. But he couldn't. “I'll meet you there.”
He cut the call and bolted up the single flight of stairs to his flat. Changing into clothes that wouldn't get him mugged in the Vermilion, he pulled on a thin nanoarmor vest and grabbed his gun from the safe in his bedroom wall. He was on his way in record time. Even then, he pushed his body to the limits sprinting toward the address Janus had given him, used every ounce of the speed his leopard side granted him.
If he'd thought seeing his mates outnumbered in a fight had pulled at emotions in him he didn't like, it was nothing to this. He was a fool. A fool who'd lied to himself. He couldn't imagine a world without them in it. The very thought made his stomach heave. Never see Gea give him that sly, mischievous grin again. Never have Kienan reach for him in the middle of the night again, with a need that wouldn't quit.