Unmistakeable (13 page)

I stared at the tile below my feet, trying to process what he just said. “But it’s a routine procedure…”

“I’m sorry. But she was aware of the risk due to her heart. She was adamant about going through it. I’m sorry.”

She was aware of the risk to her heart?

“I’m very sorry for your loss.” He nodded slightly then walked away.

Ash pulled me into his arms and let me bury my face in my chest, letting me hide from the world. My lungs were expanding so far that I couldn’t take in the air. Everything hurt. Everything stung.

I couldn’t breathe.

I heard Payton crying a few feet away, unable to hide her grief. She never cried or got upset. But this was an exception.

Ash ran his fingers through my hair while he held me. He said nothing, at a loss of words.

I faintly heard the sound of feet approach us.

“I’m sorry,” Livia whispered.

Ash turned his head slightly. “Thank you. Please leave. Alaska doesn’t want to see anyone right now.”

Without another word, everyone left.

I raised my head to look at Payton, knowing she needed comfort, but Sage was holding her, letting her cry into his chest.

“Let’s go home,” Ash whispered. “You can deal with everything in the morning.”

I didn’t argue because my lips couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak.

Ash scooped me up in my arms then carried me outside. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kept my eyes closed, trying to make myself believe this was all a dream. I felt my body placed into the passenger seat. When the seatbelt clicked, I knew everything was real.

He carried me into his apartment and his bedroom, placing me on his sheets. I lay there, unable to move. Ash undressed me, pulling my clothes off despite my unresponsive body. Then he stripped his clothes away and lay beside me under the covers, holding me.

I closed my eyes and let the grief take me.

Days passed and I hardly moved. Ash tried to get me to eat but I wasn’t hungry. He couldn’t get me to do anything. He never spoke to me or tried to fill the silence with empty words. He never tried to talk me out of my grief. And I appreciated that.

He showered and bathed me when I refused to do it. He washed my hair for me then dried me off before he carried me back to bed. He made breakfast one morning but I didn’t touch mine. All I felt was pain. There was no room for appetite.

On the fourth day, Ash woke me up with a kiss to my cheek. “Darling, we have to make all the arrangements today.”

I wasn’t leaving this bed.

“Payton has been calling. You can’t put it off any longer.”

I groaned. “Just leave me alone.”

He pulled me to his chest and kissed my neck. “I would go for you but I can’t. I can handle all the arrangements but I need you to at least be present.”

I didn’t want to do this.

“You can do it, darling. I know you can.”

I finally got out of bed and put some clothes on.

Payton and I sat across from the desk where my grandmother’s lawyer sat. Ash sat beside me, holding my hand on his thigh. He never ceased his touch, reminding me he was always there.

Mr. Bradley got right to the point. “Your grandmother is giving everything she has to the two of you. All her assets, possessions, and money are being divided between you evenly.”

I didn’t care.

He drafted the paperwork then handed a copy to each of us. “This is what you’ll be receiving. Just sign the bottom.”

I didn’t read through the list. I just signed.

Ash steadied my hand. “Read it first, darling.”

I sighed then looked through the list. When I looked at the amount I was inheriting, my mouth went dry. “There must be some sort of mistake.”

“No.” Mr. Bradley closed his folder. “Her husband put their savings in mutual funds years ago. It grew over time. I’m not sure if Mrs. Patelo was aware of that.”

“But a million dollars each?” I asked incredulously. “Is that right?”

“It was her retirement.” Mr. Bradley sounded bored.

I couldn’t believe this.

Payton didn’t seem thrilled. Normally, she’d be jumping off the walls talking about all the clothes she could buy. But this meant little to both of us.

“And now the funeral arrangements…” He took out his pen and paper.

I didn’t want to do this. I shot a look at Payton and she returned the same look.

“I’ll be taking care of it,” Ash said. “What do we need to do first?”

I was relieved I didn’t have to deal with this. It was too hard. It made it more real. I leaned into Ash and tried to find comfort in his warmth. Payton stared at the wall, looking miserable.

I couldn’t believe this was happening.

“Darling, you need to get ready.”

I rolled over and hugged the pillow. “Let me sleep.” That’s all I’ve been doing for the past few days, trying to forget about reality.

“You can’t miss the funeral.”

I didn’t want to say goodbye. It was too hard.

Ash laid the clothes on the bed. “I found this in your closet. It will look nice on you.”

I didn’t move.

“I know this is hard, but I’m here with you. I can split the load with you but I can’t carry it all. Come on, darling. I know you can do this.”

I sighed then finally sat up. “Can you help me get dressed?”

“Of course.”

We arrived at the church and took our seats. Ash sat beside me, gripping my hand on his thigh. Having him to support me made this a million times easier. I couldn’t imagine how hard it would have been without him. I felt bad for Payton that she didn’t have someone like I did.

When I looked at my sister, she was sitting further down the row, Sage beside her. He wasn’t touching her, but he was still there. He probably wanted something romantic with her, but knowing Payton, all she wanted was a friendship. But it was nice she had someone anyway.

The priest resided over the ceremony, and I grabbed my tissues and dabbed my eyes every few minutes. My grandmother was catholic, so the ceremony was long. No one made any speeches. I stared at the portrait of my mother Ash had taken care of.

I couldn’t believe she was gone.

This was real.

When the rosary was over, we headed to the burial ground. Payton walked beside me then hooked her arm through mine. Ash drifted away, giving us some privacy. He walked with Sage, talking quietly.

“Are you doing okay?” I asked.

She shrugged. “As okay as possible.”

“I can’t believe this is happening…”

She sighed. “I can’t either. I’m not sure why the doctors let her go through with it, especially Ash.”

“Ash?”

“Wasn’t he her doctor?”

“Well, yeah…”

“So he obviously knew about it and he didn’t stop her.”

My heart suddenly went cold. Was he the one who told her to do it? Was that why he wouldn’t discuss it with me? Would he really do that?

Payton walked beside me, staring at the ground.

When we reached the burial grounds, we gathered around while the coffin was lowered. Ash returned to my side and put his arm around my waist. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and I couldn’t control the choking sobs that came from my throat.

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing to do. I wasn’t ready to do it. My grandmother was the only guardian I had in this world. I lost my grandfather now I lost my mom. My piece of shit mother didn’t even show up. That’s how horrible of a person she was. At least she was buried with my grandfather. So, she wasn’t alone.

People started to drift away and head to the wake at my grandmother’s house. Ash hired caterers to take care of the event, making sure Payton and I didn’t have to worry about it.

Eventually, the four of us were the last people to remain. Sage stood next to Payton, his shoulder touching hers. Ash stood behind me and hooked his arm around my waist, holding me from behind.

An hour passed and no one moved.

I couldn’t cry anymore. My tear ducts were dry. They were dry and cracked riverbeds, shriveling up without the grace of rain. My chest hurt from heaving so much. The salt was a permanent taste on my lips.

“Are you ready to go?” Ash whispered.

No. I would never be ready.
“Yes.”

Family members gave their condolences and cried with me. I made small talk with him, trying to act like we weren’t carrying the same pain. I shared stories of my grandmother, talking about her strength and endurance. She was the most amazing woman I’d ever known. No one would ever compare.

Ash lingered in the background, giving me space when I needed it then joining me when I suddenly felt alone. He seemed to understand my needs better than I did. He was the rock I needed, one of the few things keeping me going.

By the end of the night, I was done talking. I didn’t want to socialize and pretend I was okay. I just wanted to crawl under my sheets and sleep so I wouldn’t think about my grandmother anymore.

I was tired of thinking.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Ash

When she was in pain, I was in pain.

Watching her grieve, curling into a ball while she cried her eyes out, was the hardest thing I’ve ever endured. I just wanted to make the pain go away. I just wanted her to smile again. She was a wonderful person and didn’t deserve this.

I didn’t have high expectations for this surgery, but I understood her grandmother’s decision. Either way, the odds weren’t good, and she made the best decision under the circumstances. When I told her to reconsider it, I was thinking of my heart and Alaska. I just didn’t want her to get hurt.

But she did.

Alaska was quiet for the week following the funeral. She didn’t move very often, and she hardly ate. I took as much time off of school as I could but I had to go back. But as soon as I was done with class, I came home to her. She was usually in bed, in mine or hers. I would take my textbook and notes and study in bed while she clung to me.

Anytime I tried to get her out of the house, it backfired. She would pull the covers over her head and try to disappear. When I made dinner, she would take a few bites then push it away. She didn’t want to do anything, even shower, so I had to carry her and wash her. I didn’t mind doing the work. I just wish she wasn’t so miserable.

By the second week, she finally came around. She was still depressed, but she was better. She lost so much weight in such a short amount of time that it scared me. But she refused to eat.

“I’m going home.” She pulled her clothes on and walked to the door.

What?
“Darling, what’s wrong?”

“I just want to be alone.” She grabbed her purse and walked out.

Was I missing something?
I chased after her and followed her into her living room. “Did I do something?”

She didn’t look at me. “I just want to be alone right now…”

“Why?” I blurted.

“I just do, Ash. Please leave.” Her voice was cold.

Whoa…what gave her such a mood swing?
I stayed beside her and took care of her every day. I hardly spoke and I stayed by her side, silently supporting her. I suffered in my coursework because I put her first. What could I have possibly done wrong? “Okay…”

She walked into her bedroom and shut the door, dismissing me.

Hopefully, she was just in a weird mood. I went back to my apartment and tried to think of something else.

The next day, I stopped by before class and brought her breakfast. I used my key to get inside and put everything on the kitchen table. Then I walked to her bedroom door and knocked. “Darling?”

“What?” Her voice was weak.

“Can I come in?”

“What do you want?”

What kind of question is that?
“I brought you breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You should eat.”

“Just go, Ash.”

I held my tongue, bottling my frustration. She wasn’t treating me the way I deserved. But I had to keep in mind she was totally distraught with grief. “I have to get to class.”

No response.

“Darling, I love you.”

Again, no response.

I sighed then left.

She was distant for the next few days. She avoided me and stayed in her room. Every time I brought her food, she didn’t eat it. I wasn’t sure why she was pushing me away. What did I do?

Unable to baby her a second longer, I went to her apartment then knocked on her bedroom door. “Alaska?”

“What?” Her voice was quiet

“I want to talk.”

“I’m tired.”

I burst into her door, unable to be patient.

She was lying on her side in the dark.

“That’s too bad.” I sat at the edge of the bed. “Why are you being distant with me?”

She didn’t look at me. She hugged a pillow to her chest.

“I know you’re going through a hard time right now. I’m sensitive to that. I really am. But why won’t you let me in? Why are you pushing me away? I just want to be there for you. I’m not asking for a lot.”

She took a deep breath while she lay still. “Did you tell her to have the surgery?”

That was the last thing I expected her to ask. “What?”

“Did you tell my grandmother to have that surgery? You were her doctor, weren’t you?”

“I can’t discuss her healthcare with you.”

“So, that’s a yes. You told her.” Her voice became harsh, dark.

“Alaska, it’s more complicated than it seems. She didn’t have a lot of choices.”

“So you agreed with her?” She stared me down, angry.

“I wouldn’t say that…I understood her decision.”

“So she’s dead because of you.”

Whoa…
My immediate response was to snap and make her feel as small as she was making me. But I held it back, knowing she was in a very dark place. “No. I tried to dissuade her from the surgery but she made a good argument. If she didn’t do it, she was going to sit in a hospital bed until the clot moved to her lungs. At least this way she had a greater chance.”

The tears bubbled under her eyes. “Get out, Ash.”

“Excuse me?” Now I couldn’t stay calm.

“Every time I look at you, I think about what you did.”

“I didn’t do anything. How dare you hold this against me? That decision was hers and hers alone. I couldn’t deny she made the only decision she could. When have I not put you first? You think I wanted her to die? I actually give a shit about my patients. If they lose, I lose.”

She turned over and pulled her blanket over her head. “Just go. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

Is this a joke?
“You can’t be serious.”

“I am.” She didn’t stir. The silence stretched.

Unable to contain my rage, I slammed her door then stormed out.

My patience could only last for so long. I knew she was looking for someone to blame for her grief, but this was just ridiculous. I needed to be the bigger man and fight for her, forgiving her for what she said before she apologized. But I couldn’t do it. I was pissed.

I drowned myself in school, trying not to think about her. After she had some space, she would see reason and come back to me. I would just have to wait.

Two weeks later, she still didn’t reach out to me. I kept an eye on her apartment, but she never came and went. The anxiety was killing me. Was she okay?  Did she need anything?

Unable to hold out, I walked to her door. I didn’t use her spare key to open it and I knocked instead. When she didn’t answer, I knocked again. “Answer the damn door, Alaska. I got all day.”

She finally opened it, looking thinner than she ever had. She didn’t say a word, just staring at me.

“How are you?”

“I’ve been better…”

I refrained from holding her despite the effort. I stared at her, hoping she would say what I wanted to hear. “Are you hungry? I can get you something.”

“No, I’m fine.” She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Are you…feeling better?” My meaning was clear.

“I don’t know your meaning.”

Was she playing dumb? “We aren’t broken up, Alaska. I hope some space would make you feel better. Please tell me it has.”

She shook her head. “How can I be with you after what you did?”

I wanted to strangle her. “Okay, I’m not going to baby you anymore. I’m sorry you lost your grandmother. But remember, I lost someone too. I spent months with her and she made me into a better man and doctor. I miss her every day and I wish she were still here. But I can’t change what happened. Instead of blaming me, you need to accept that this couldn’t play out in any other way. Frankly, you’re being a brat. If you think ending this relationship is going to get rid of me, you’re in for a surprise. I’m not going anywhere. You can deal with it.”

The fire burned in her eyes. It was the only emotion I’d seen in a while. “If you hadn’t allowed this to happen, she would still be here.”

“For how long?” I snapped. “For a month? A year? You want her to sit in a hospital bed all day every day, letting her be bored out of her mind? How would you feel? She was practically a caged animal. If she knew you were acting that way, she wouldn’t put up with it.” I headed back to my apartment and slammed the door. If she were someone else, I wouldn’t put up with this bullshit.

But I loved her. So I would.