Unplugged (31 page)

“
Jesus, Cerys, how much time do you spend obsessing about me and Honey?”

“
I do not obsess! I see similarities! What if one day you wake up and realise doing all this for me isn’t what you want, but hang around because you think you should? What if you stay with me because you don’t want to hurt me, and then end up hurting me more?”

Cerys shakes, pointing to the real reason behind her desire to
‘pause’. I can’t take in everything she’s accusing me of. What the fuck have I done wrong here? Nothing.

“
You’re crazy,” I say quietly. “How can you even begin to compare how I feel about you to what I felt about Honey? She doesn’t even come close!”

“
When you can’t fix my life, you’ll go!” she shouts.

“
No! I won’t! How is my wanting to take care of you wrong, Cerys?”

“
Because you think the more you do for me, the less likely I’ll reject you.”

I rub my temples, blown away by the criticism for doing the right thing by her. The frustration builds pressure in my
head; this is as far as I go with confrontation. “Fuck this, I’m going.”

Cerys
’s eyes widen, confusing me further.
Didn’t she just say…?
I don’t fucking understand women. I give her my heart and she tells me I don’t love her?

I take a calming breath.
“Cerys, I’m going. If you want me to stay away, I will. Sounds like you need to decide what you want. But don’t think I’ll let you go so easily.” The emotion surges inside and I’m desperate to grab Cerys and kiss her until she can’t breathe, to hold her and never let her go. The ferocity of my emotions around this woman and her little girl surprise me. I never realised how attached I was and how big a gap in my life there would be without them.

But apparently,
loving them is the problem.

CHAPTER
30

LIAM

I
’d cleared this week so I could spend time with Cerys and now I’m alone. I kick around my London flat for a couple of days, debating whether to go back to the States for a while. I want to take Cerys back there; I want to spoil them after the crap they’ve been through. Now the dickhead ex is making their life worse, and it appears because I’m not a dickhead, I’m too nice.

Last time I met him I bit my tongue against saying a lot of what I thought of him. If I saw him again, things wouldn
’t be pretty.

Two days of sulking and Xbox later, I call Bryn
after a couple of beers and ask what he’s up to.

“
Am I just the go-to guy for all your broken hearts?” he asks, and I know he’s half serious.

“
I don’t have a broken heart,” I snap and almost add ‘just a bruised one’.

“
So what’s happening? I haven’t heard from you since the night at
Plan B,
so something’s wrong.”

Fuck it
, I need a second opinion; and of all the guys, Bryn’s the one who won’t take the piss. “Am I too nice?”

Bryn lau
ghs loudly and instantly gets my back up. “Define ‘too nice’, Liam.”

“
Like, do you think I do too much for other people?”

“
Hmm. Does doing shit for people help you feel good about yourself?”

“
Yeah.”

“
And if, say, a girl took advantage of that and pushed you into marrying her, would you think that was being too nice?”

Honey
.

“
I guess.”

“
Doing things for other people isn’t what should make you feel good about yourself. You can still get rejected however much you do. Look at that chick from a few years ago.”

Kate. My first attempt at a real relationship and after almost a year, out of the blue, she ends things saying I
’m suffocating her. Am I doing that again?
Shit.

“
Remember what you said to me after you ditched Honey on her wedding day?”

“
I don’t remember much about that day.”

“
Nah, didn’t think you would. This was later, when you were completely wasted.” He snickers again. “You said you wished you’d dumped Honey months ago but felt too guilty, so really your ‘being nice’ wasn’t very nice, was it?”

“
Yeah, I get that, Bryn, I’m not fucking stupid.”

“
You also talked about Cerys a lot and to be honest it worries me. I think you’re going down the same route here. You’ve already moved her into a house, yeah?”

“
This isn’t the same. Cerys isn’t demanding anything from me – she doesn’t get the shits every time I go away and she’s determined to look after herself.”

“
So what’s happened? Because something obviously has.”

“
I think I get it now,” I mutter. But I’m not saying. Cerys is right; I’m scared I’ll get things wrong. So I spend all my time trying to make things right for other people, that if I do, then I’m worth loving.

“
Want my honest opinion?”

“
Yeah.”

“
You fall in love too easily and too hard, and girls screw you over. Whatever you feel for Cerys saved you from getting really screwed over by the last girl. I don’t think Cerys is like the others, but be careful, man.”

No,
I need to be careful about scaring her off because Cerys is the opposite of Honey; this woman doesn’t want me to fix her. Cerys doesn’t want my money or a piece of my fame. She wants Liam Oliver. Which means she needs to understand that this situation is nothing like Honey and that she’s nothing like Honey.

“
End of counselling session?” asks Bryn, sarcasm edging into the concern.

“
Yeah.”

“
Thank fuck for that.” He pauses. “I thought you were Jem calling. I haven’t been able to get in touch with him for a couple of days.”

“
Shit. Is he okay?”

“
Think so. He’s with that chick from Ruby Riot; they’re probably holed up somewhere.”

“
Tricky, if he’s now thinking about becoming their manager, and he’s screwing her. You know Jem; it’ll end in disaster.”

“
That’s what worries me.”

I
’ve met Ruby a few times when I’ve been with Jem and the band. I can’t figure her out. She matches Jem on the ‘obnoxious metre’, and it’s funny to watch how he copes with her, but she has a lost look that’s uncomfortably like Liv.

“
Is Dylan back?” I ask.

“
He’s travelling with Sky again and keeping his head down.”

“
There you go; we’re not all being fucked around by women.”

“
You said you weren’t broken hearted, Liam.”

“
Doesn’t mean she’s not screwing with my feelings.”

Bryn huffs down the phone.
“I won’t be your agony aunt so if we go out, don’t whine on about it anymore. Please.”

“
I don’t fucking whine!”

“
No, but when you’re drunk, you do.”

“
Do you want to go out or not?”

“
Yeah, I’m bored. Time out from the band was a great idea, but six months... I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“
Travel, find yourself a chick. Jesus, Bryn, the world’s your fucking oyster.”

“
A chick? I’ve seen enough of the shit you guys get yourselves into. Steering clear, thanks.”

Either Bryn has a really low sex drive or he
’s hiding something. The last time I saw him with a groupie was over a year ago and he keeps his head down when they’re around. Not that any of us bothers with groupies much anymore. I’m ninety-nine percent sure he isn’t gay, so I’m suspicious. Not that I pay attention to everything he does. Maybe he’s secretly screwing around and pretending he doesn’t. Or maybe he’s saving himself for someone special. I laugh, accidentally out loud.

“
What’s funny?”

“
Nothing, mate. One day I’ll find your secret.”

“
Secret to what?”

“
Nothing. Try Jem again, about time we got together on our own. Shame Dylan isn’t around.”

As I wait to hear back from Bryn,
I watch some boring re-runs on TV and text Cerys. She doesn’t reply and my heart hurts. Our daily texts back and forth from the last two months have dried. The few times I’ve called Cerys, conversation has been stilted. I hope it’s because she’s trying to hide her own hurt and not because the longer I’m away, the more distant we are.

****

CERYS

The hole left by Liam’s absence was once bearable because I knew he wasn’t far. Now I’ve pushed him away and I don’t know if he’ll come back. Why would he after everything I said to him? Liam’s an amazing man with so much love. I’m just scared he has that confused with his natural need to help. He says he loves me but one day, when Liam’s away from my screwed up life, he might realise what he’s doing and stop.

Craig continues his
‘poor Dad’ act irritating me when Ella is around; and when he drops her off and makes snide remarks about how one day he won’t have to, I itch to smack him. He’s delusional.

I put Ella to
bed; pour a glass of wine, and fire up my laptop. My Facebook feed is filled with the usual whinging about life, funny animal videos, and plenty of semi-naked men. A lot of the mum’s decided to friend me when Liam entered my life; I’m unsure why when we don’t talk at school. Perhaps they think I can introduce them to the single members of the band. I accept their friend’s requests. If I don’t, rumours will start over how I think I’m too good for them all.

My phone rings and I put down my wine to pick it up. Liam. So far, I
’ve avoided his calls because I’m scared to admit what might happen if I let him back, such as I won’t want to let him go again.

Wine weakens my resolve and I answer.

“Hello?”

“
Cerys. Can I come over? I need to talk to you. I can’t do this. I won’t stay if you don’t want, but I need to talk to you before things go to shit. I miss you so fucking much.”

This is why I
’ve avoided his calls and texts. I knew the first time I spoke to him that the Cerys who thought she was doing the right thing, would be knocked aside by the other Cerys who truly knows what the right thing is. Being with Liam.

Were
Craig and Honey an excuse? Is my fear of someone else letting me down, stopping the opportunity to be loved by someone who I deserve? We spent almost six months apart, after years where we didn’t see each other, and reconnected. There’s a reason for this and one I can’t ignore.

“
I miss you, too,” I say quietly. “I guess we need to talk.”

“
Yes, we do, this is a stupid situation. Can we please sort it out?”

“
Tomorrow.”

“
No, today.”

He hasn
’t given up on me after my stupid behaviour and accusations.

****

The Liam who arrives a couple of hours later is wary, hands burrowed in his jeans pockets. Standing in the dusk is the man who turned my world upside down and filled me with a depth of love that terrifies me. Add to that the mind-blowing attraction I have to the smoking hot man who can reduce me to a bundle of hormones with one kiss, the one who does things to me inside and out nobody else ever could.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt as soon as I open the door.

He
steps inside and wraps his arms around me, inhaling against my hair. “I fucking missed you.”

I tuck my head under the spot beneath his chin where the scent of his soap pulls me back to our safe place of happiness that we shouldn
’t give up on.

“
Uncle Liam!” Ella stands at the top of the stairs in pink cat pyjamas, holding her blanket.

“
We really need to stop her calling me that,” he whispers. “It feels strange, like I’m your brother or something.”

Ella thunders downstairs two at a time and almost knocks Liam over with a tackle hug. The panicked look he gets when Ella is overly physical with him crosses his face so I tug her arm.

“Ella, you should be in bed.”

“
Will you be here in the morning?” Ella asks him.

Liam glances at me and I bite my lip as I slide my gaze away. The connotation of the words
isn’t missed.

“
I’ll see you really soon. I came to speak to your mummy.”