Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (14 page)

After what turned out to be the best first date in the history of first dates, I walked Mara to her door and said goodnight.  I could tell she wanted to ask me in, but knowing where that would lead, she treaded carefully.  It was as if I could involuntarily read her mind.  “Don’t worry, Mara, we have forever.  As much as I want to take you in my arms and make love to you right now, I’d like to savor every first with  you slowly.  I want us to take our time.  You deserve that.”  I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her timidly on her mouth.

“You do make it hard for a girl to turn you away, Taggart Holland.”

“Well, I do hope you never turn me away, Mara Giordano-Carson.”

She smiled a coy little quirky smile and kissed me.  A short, but sweet and delicious kiss.  “Goodnight, Tagg.”

“Goodnight Mara.  Will I see you in the morning?”

“Sure.  After my run, I’ll clean up, go get us some coffee and bring it to your house.  Is that alright?”

“Of course.  See you then.  And thanks for a wonderful time.”

As giddy as a schoolboy stealing his first kiss was the best analogy to represent my emotions.  I loved the best girl on earth and she loved me.  If someone had asked me six months ago if I had thought I’d ever find happiness, my answer would have been ‘Once God took me from this earth.’  But now, I was so elated, that the world seemed new to me.  Like a toddler learning he could run and not fall down.  I still didn't think I deserved Mara, but I thanked God she was in my life.

Mara came the next morning with two Starbuck’s coffees like she’d promised.  However, she wasn’t as cheery as she was last night.  I noticed she had a newspaper tucked under her arm.  I took the coffees from her and brought them to my kitchen table.  She followed me in.  “Mara, what’s on your mind?  You’re upset.”

She took a second to respond.  The paper was a tabloid publication, which she placed on the table in front of my coffee before sitting down.  As I went to sit down across from her, I saw the pictures and words that headlined the front page.  Tagg Holland – Back to His Old Ways?  Underneath the headline was the picture someone took of Mara and me at the mall, where my arm was protectively around her, as we raced to get away from on-lookers.  The second picture was of Genelle kissing me right smack on the lips, the morning after my party.  When I opened the paper, there in the center, was a picture of Genelle and me, half undressed, lying together on my futon.  That one was probably taken the night before, when I was blitzed out of my mind, right before I fell asleep.

“Mara.  I’m sorry.”  How could I explain this? 

She just stared at me with her big, brown eyes, which were now glazed over with a translucent fluid.  The beginning of her tears. 

“Mara.  I was drunk.  We had a party, the next morning, I remembered nothing and this woman came up to me and kissed me.  I found out later that we were together the night before.  I don’t remember it.  I’m sorry.”

“You had sex with her?”  Mara’s tears were falling down her cheeks now.

“No.  She told me I had fallen asleep while we were undressing each other, probably right after that picture was taken.  Again, if I hadn’t been drunk, it never would have happened.”

Mara managed to choke out a response.  “Is this something I’d have to deal with?  You drinking and sleeping with other woman?” 

Oh, how those words hurt.  A single tear fell from my cheek. Could I ever change?  “I’ll stop drinking.  I won’t ever take another sip, if it means I won’t have to lose you.  Mara, please.  You and I weren’t on speaking terms.”  I was desperate to have her believe me, because with all of my heart, I meant it.

“Your doing, not mine.”  She boldly interrupted.

“Yes, I realize that.  But had we been, I probably wouldn’t even have been drinking to that extent.”

“You can’t be blaming me?”  Mara was appalled.  I’d never seen this side to her.  I couldn’t blame her.  Here I was, professing my love for her the night before and this morning she finds out I’d almost bedded another woman, three nights ago.

“No, of course not.”  I quickly added.  “I was so distraught without you that I had begun drinking excessively again.  It was the only thing that numbed the pain of losing you.” I took a deep breath to grab hold of the realization that I may really be losing Mara this time.  And for good.  “Ronnie threw this party Friday night.  It was the only one.  Before that, I was spending every night alone in my room.  I promise you that.”  Mara just sat there with her eyes on the floor, trying very hard not to show me her tears.  I was sick to my stomach.  “Mara.  I can’t take back what happened, but I can promise you it will never happen again.  I need you to trust me.”

Her breathing slowed, my heart raced.  I was nervous, believing my sun would never shine again.  Unless Mara could trust me, we could never stay together.  And I would be living in the dark again.  It seemed the appropriate cycle for someone like me.  Someone whose life held no meaning but to rock and to party.  It was just like the clichéd, and all too familiar, stereotype, ‘sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll.’ It was easy to hate myself more and more.

“Tagg.” She looked me in the eyes again.  “I guess…I have no choice but to trust you.”

Not quite the answer I was hoping for.  “You have a choice, Mara.  I won’t force you into a relationship with me if you don’t want one.”

She thought for a few moments.  A few very long moments as far as I was concerned.  “I do want one.  I believe  you when you say it was only because you were drinking.”

“And because you were not in the picture.”  I put my head down.  “You were in my heart though, and I shouldn’t have let it happen.”  I looked back up at her.  “I won’t drink any more, I promise.”

“Are you an alcoholic, Tagg?”

“No. And before you say, I’m in denial, I’ve been to AA meetings in the past.  I’m what you would call an alcohol abuser, not an alcoholic.  There’s a difference.  I really can put the drink down.  I just turn to the drink as a way to deaden the emotions when I’m feeling depressed.  And, without you, I was very depressed.”  I moved cautiously toward her and lifted her from her chair.  With my hands behind her waist, I pulled her towards me and kissed her on the forehead.  “Give me a chance to prove myself, Mara.  Please.”

She lingered her gaze at my chin, most likely afraid to let me see the hurt still in her eyes.  “Okay.”  I felt the words as a breath on my face more so than heard them.

We finished our coffee while the conversation fortunately took on a more joyous tone.  We decided to spend the day hiking up at High Point; a picturesque mountain set at the highest point in New Jersey.  I found the beautiful countryside to be a very motivating tool for writing a song.  Of course, that and the breathtaking and forgiving woman I had hiking beside me.  While we were breathlessly strolling up the hills, a song was playing in my head.  Mara was not only my true love; she was my muse.  I took a deep inhale and the clean mountain air filled my lungs.  I was breathing in Mara’s love and her forgiveness and I was trying to forgive myself of my past… and recent sins.  Up here on the mountain, where I just may have felt closer to God, at least by proximity, I said a silent prayer begging for His forgiveness as well as my own.  Then Mara caught me doing the sign of the cross.

“Were you praying?”  She asked curiously, but quietly.  She still wasn’t back to her jovial self.  I guess I had to let time heal the wounds I’d inflicted on her.

“Just a tiny one.”  And I put my arm around her shoulders and dropped the subject before it began.

We had reached the top and decided to sit and enjoy the view.  “I’m going to miss you this week, Mara.”  Tomorrow morning I was heading back down to Somers’ Point, but not before going to New York City for our press conference.

“I’ll miss you, too.”  Her voice was soft and tender, yet I heard the foreboding in her words.  It pained me so to know I’ve broken that bond between us.  If it took me forever, I would devote my life to repairing that damage. 

“You can come with me you know?”

“I wish I could, but I have my job.  I can’t pay my rent without it.”

I started drumming my fingers on my leg, because I was nervous about what I was going to say.  I wasn’t sure of her reaction and I didn’t want to cause any more friction between us.  “You know, Mara,” I placed my hand on her thigh.  “You wouldn’t have to worry about your rent if you move in with me.”

Mara dropped her protein bar…and her jaw.  But she didn’t say anything.

“I know I made you mistrust me, but you have to believe me, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I’ve wasted so much time already, I’d like to start our forever, today.”

She put her hand on top of mine.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t.”

What did I expect?

Even though I would see Mara in four short days, I had a hard time tearing myself from her arms.  If she had said yes, she’d be coming with me.  Heck, I’d ask her to marry me today if I thought she’d agree.  But, she wouldn’t, not after what I did Friday night with Genelle.  I gave Mara one last hug and kiss goodbye and asked her to really try and count on me.  I vowed my honor and my chastity.  Now it was up to her to decide if she could trust me.

I would have liked to say that the press conference was uneventful, but I’d be remiss in saying so.  The media had their standard line of questioning – when do you begin work on the album?   When will it be out?  Are you excited about the reunion tour? And so on.  But then the questioning became personal, and directed at me.  I was asked if I would be picking up where I left off in the womanizing department.  How many conquests I had so far? And who was the unidentified woman in the photo from the mall?  Why would the media be interested in the love life of a thirty-eight year old?  It annoyed me.  Obviously.

Then, to rub salt in the wound, a bunch of thirty and forty year olds all came at me at the end of the conference.  Some asked for autographs, some wanted to touch me, and some wanted to kiss me.  But none of those women prepared me for the last person who approached me.  I couldn’t recall her name, but once I saw her face, that night came rearing at me with all its ugliness.  I had become so overwhelmed with her presence that I thought I was going to lose my lunch, right there.  She meandered close to me and planted a big kiss right on my lips.  I pushed her away.  “What are you doing?”

“Tagg.  Don’t you remember me?”

Of course I remembered her.  How could I ever forget?  She was the woman who had helped contribute to the unfolding of my life seven years ago.  The same woman I bedded the night that Crystal found me.

“I remember you.  Why are you here?”

“Once a fan, always a fan, right Tagg?  A leopard never changes its spots, so if you’re ready and willing, again, so am I?”   Then she gave me a wink and turned and walked away.

What did that mean?

My drive back to Somers’ Point was lonely.  All those women approaching me made me wonder if I was making a huge mistake re-entering show business.  How would Mara ever regain her trust in me, if I was constantly bombarded by people?  I longed for Mara.  When I was with her, I was home; without her I was lost; a roaming soul searching for his haven.  I had no shelter, no feeling of safety without my best friend, the essential part of who I was and who I needed to be.

After spending a couple of hours rehearsing at my house, we piled into Matty’s conversion van and drove to the recording studio.  Finding our place comfortably in the studio made it easy to slip back into a recording routine.  We found it effortless to band together and record.  Our new songs delivered messages that we couldn’t even fathom in our early years.  Wisdom, understanding and the bleak existence of depression, the latter being my contribution to the band, had brought depth and meaning to our rock music.  Lyrics about loss and forgiveness, death and courage and ultimately hope, had wittingly graced many of our ballads.  We still had many songs that portrayed pleasurable pastimes and playful summertimes that our band was known for.  Of course Mara's Song would be included as a bonus track on our album.  The band agreed that without Mara to pull me out of depression, we most likely wouldn’t be recording today.  So, it’d only seemed appropriate to give her a special dedication on our album.  But we were far from finished.  We were lucky tonight to get one more song recorded, but the band was thrilled to be making another album after all these years.  I was still on the fence about it.

We spent the rest of the week rehearsing in Somers’ Point.  Progress was being made, but reality was setting in.  Holland hadn’t executed a live performance in over a decade.  We used to shine on stage.  What if we didn’t have what it took anymore?  Ronnie thought I was being ridiculous, but Matty and Johnny felt as qualmish about it as I did.

What helped to calm me down were my daily runs.  While in Somers’ Point, I’d take my jogs along the Ocean City boardwalk or on the sand that ran at the ocean’s edge.  It wasn’t as challenging as running the hills of Sparta, but it was equally as beautiful and even more inspirational.  I felt lucky to have regular opportunities to exercise through the New Jersey mountains and along the Atlantic Ocean.  And running, for me, was a mental hiatus from my suddenly engaging life.

Mara’s Letter to Brad

October 14, 2010

I had my first official date with Tagg.  He told me he loved me and I said it back.  Though, now I’m regretting that decision.  Not that I don’t love him.  As you know, I have been falling in love with him for a while now, but the day after our date, in the tabloid papers was a picture of Tagg with another woman.  A woman who happens to be a Victoria’s Secret model.  He said he had been extremely drunk at a party and very upset because of our estrangement, but it still causes me to wonder.  Will this be a regular occurrence?   I really want to trust him, but it will be a challenge.

Though, I do sincerely love him and I’d never want to lose him.  The pain of losing you was hard enough; I couldn’t endure that kind of emotional distress again.  I don’t want to not trust Tagg.  I know he loves me.  I feel it deep in my soul.  I just hope his love is strong enough to rise above his shortcomings. 

We’ll see in time, I guess.  Tomorrow I’m going down to his shore house.   I can’t wait, because being in his arms is wonderful.  My feelings are so conflicting; on one hand, I worry about his fidelity, on the other, I feel so safe and at home with him.

Until next time, Brad…

***

It was Friday night and Mara had just arrived in Somers’ Point.  She was spending the weekend with me.  We hadn’t yet taken our physical relationship to the next level, but I was certainly anticipating it tonight.  Of course, I promised to take each event slowly, but we weren’t teenagers and I’d kind of hoped Mara was ready.  Since the Genelle incident, things had seemed back to normal.  At least over the phone.  In any event, if Mara was ready for a physical relationship or not, I would be patient with her and let her call the shots.

Mara showed up at the door with her black duffle bag and pink backpack.  “Are you going to make me work out this weekend?”  I asked her.  Again, I must have grown a second head.  Mara’s expression was unintentionally comical.  I motioned to her bags.  “Aren’t they the same bags you show up with when you train me?”

She looked down at the black bag and tugged on her backpack straps and laughed.  “Oh yeah.  The black one is similar, the backpack doubles as my purse sometimes.  I don’t vary from the basics, I guess.  And I can’t afford a Coach overnight bag or anything stylish.”  She chuckled again and shrugged.  Then, she waited for me to invite her in.

“What are you waiting for?  Entrée, my dear.”  I waved her in and took her unstylish bags from her.  I brought it into my bedroom/rec room.  Mara’s scrutinizing look rendered my question, “What did I do wrong?”  As I put my hands up in the air for an answer.  Certainly I kept a smile on my face so she’d know I was teasing.

She laughed at me again.  “You didn’t do anything wrong.  I was just wondering why you were still sleeping down here.”

Suddenly my face lost its expression.  “I still haven’t even gone upstairs.  Ronnie and the guys stay up there during the week, but I couldn’t even tell you what it looks like anymore.”

Mara nodded but didn’t say anything.  Her empathetic eyes showed understanding, though.

“What about when you put the house on the market?  Are you going to clean it out?”

“I haven’t really thought about it, Mara.”

“It’ll be difficult, but it may help you to move forward.”  She shrugged, unsure if she’d believed that herself.

Mara, I have moved forward.”  I stuck my hands deep into my pockets and leaned my head back to look up toward the ceiling.  “It’d just be a painful reminder of who I was; someone I’d rather not be associated with.”

Mara flitted towards me and took my hands out of my pockets to hold them.  “But you are associated with that person, very much so, only you’re trying to be different now.  And, who we were in the past, whether good or bad, has everything to do with who we are today.  You are a much more honorable person now, but you may not have been if you hadn’t made the mistakes you had made.”

“How can you say that, when just last week…” I trailed off; she knew where I was going.

“We weren’t a couple yet.  You really did nothing immoral.  I was hurt, because I could never be with someone, when my heart belonged to someone else, but…guys are different I guess.  Plus, I know you are still struggling with something, but I would expect you to refrain from seeing anyone, now that we’ve pretty much qualified our relationship.”

“Have we?”

“I don’t tell just anyone that I love them, and I gather you don’t either, so yes.  We’ve qualified it.” Her pretty little mouth curled up again.

“So, Mara, what did your whole soliloquy about who we were in the past and all have to do with me going upstairs?”

“Nothing, I guess.”  We both started laughing.  It felt good to share a hearty laugh with Mara.  When she would smile, I could actually feel weight lifting off of my shoulders. 

I drew her near to me while simultaneously saying, “Come ‘ere, you.”  Then, I inhaled the sweet apple scent of her hair and kissed her forehead.  “Mara, sweetheart, don’t over analyze me.  There’s not as much depth to me as you may think.”

She flashed me her sparkling smile as she strained her neck to gaze up at me.  “Oh, I don’t believe that, Taggart.  I think your soul has many, many layers to it.  I can see it in those denim-blue eyes of yours.”

“Yeah?  Well, be careful of what you may find if you decide to search too deep.  You may be disappointed.  Then, we’ll both be unhappy.”  My lips met the top of her head again.

“My love’s unconditional, Taggart.  It doesn’t matter what I find.”

I gave her a skeptical look, raising my eyebrow at her.  “You weren’t too happy on Monday when you saw my picture plastered on the front of the paper.”

“No, I wasn’t.  But, I wouldn’t stop loving you because of it.  That’s not to say I wouldn’t be angry with you.  I do expect honesty.”

“Always, Mara.  And on that note, look what I picked up on the boardwalk, this morning.”  Over on my counter I picked up this week’s Star magazine.  “This is what I found by the checkout stand.”  Mara’s hand reached for the colorful piece of evil in my hand.  What she saw was a picture of me, being kissed by that woman at the press conference.  The one from my past.  The headline read, Tagg Holland, Rock God or Womanizer?  There was no story this time, just the picture.  Mara’s expression was blank.  “Mara, I hope you can tell by the picture that she kissed me spontaneously.  I had no idea she was going to do that.  I was just stunned to see her.”

“You know her?”  Her voice was louder than I think she intended it to be.

I was getting nauseous again.  I now know what a dog felt like when he’d had an accident on the rug and his master had just found it.  “She was the woman Crystal found me in bed with.”  My words came out in a mumble.  How could she see anything redeeming in this.  I was innocent, but the circumstantial evidence was stacked against me.  Especially after last week.

“Oh.”  Was all she said.

“Mara, I’m innocent.”

“You’re not on trial, Tagg.”  What she said was funny, but she held no humor in her expression.

“You know what’s strange, Mara?  After this woman kissed me, she had this look of contempt in her eyes and she said ‘a leopard doesn’t change his spots, Tagg.’  It was odd, sort of like a set-up or something.”

“What?  How can that be?”

“I don’t know.  It just didn’t sit well with me.  And when I walked out of The Plaza, the yellow Camaro was double parked across the street.”  I let out a huge sigh.  “I do hope you believe me, Mara.  I wasn’t accepting that kiss.”

“It’s just so…sorted.”  Mara said quietly, her eyes blinking away any remaining tears.

I made my way close to her again.  “Do you believe me, Mara?”

“Of course I do.  I just don’t like it.  It scares me.”

“It’ll be okay.  As long as I have you, I know I’ll be okay.”  I put my fingers beneath her chin.  “How ‘bout you?”

“As long as I have you.”  She mimicked quietly before wrapping her arms around my neck.  She stood on her toes and kissed me quickly on the mouth.  I picked her small, lithe body up and she wrapped her toned legs around my waist.  I sauntered closer to the counter and sat her on top of the black and gold marbled granite.  Her legs stayed comfortably wrapped around me. I pressed my lips to her supple mouth and ran my hands through her hair, working them down the contours of her body.  I paced myself as my hand slipped under her blouse and my fingers made their way to her small but firm and round breast.  I glided my thumb over her nipple and I felt her body quiver from my touch.  Her hands reached under my t-shirt and my blood turned hot from the contact of her delicate hands.  I brought my mouth around to the side of her neck, just underneath her ear.  My tongue felt her vein pulsing fervently beneath its tip.  My heart raced and my body reacted to its excitement, but it wasn’t the time.  Not here in the kitchen. 

So, I bit her on her neck.

“Ouch.”  Her legs abruptly unwrapped from around my waist and her hand went to her neck.  “What was that for?”  My other head must have popped up.

“I’m hungry.”

“You’re hungr…you’re crazy.”  But she chuckled.  “What’re you, a vampire rock star, now?”

“Didn’t I tell you that?  That’s why I was hiding away all those years.”  I gave her a healing kiss over my vampire bite.  “But, really, I am hungry.  I’d like to take you out.  Do you like seafood?”

“You know I do.”

“Great.  I know an excellent seafood restaurant.”

The Crab Trap was teeming with people tonight.  Of course it was Friday, so I had expected that.  “Do you mind waiting, Mara?”

“Not at all.  Besides, it’s Friday night; we’d have to wait wherever we go.  And it’d be nice to sit by that bar down by the bay.”

“Okay, though it may be a bit chilly. I’m surprised they even have it open.  It is the middle of October.  Let’s go give them our name.”  While standing in line to give our name, a middle-aged couple recognized me.

“Tagg Holland?  Hey, we got tickets to see you this New Year’s Eve.”

“Great.”  I said to the man.  “I hope you enjoy it.”

“Wouldn’t miss it.  I just wish Holland didn’t disappear all that time.  You guys were awesome.  Glad you’re back.”

“Thanks.”

Mara and I reached the hostess station.  “We’d like a table for two, please.  The name is…Carson.”  The hostess had her head in her seating book.  “Okay.  That’ll be about 55 minutes.”  Then she looked up.  “Tagg Holland!  Oh.  I’m sure I can seat you sooner than that, Sir.  I’ll put you on top of the list.  They told me you lived around here.  I couldn’t believe it.”  Then she came out from around her station and put her hand on my chest.  “I’m single and, well, I’ve heard you date a lot and well, if you’re interested, I’m available.”  I turned to see Mara’s jaw dropped in astonishment.

“Excuse me, Miss.”  I intentionally draped my arm around Mara’s shoulders.  “I’m in a committed relationship and it’d behoove you to not believe everything you read or see in the tabloids.  Sometimes situations are taken out of context.”

The hostess laughed.  I noticed her writing something down.  “Here’s my number.”  She winked and slid the piece of paper in my jacket pocket.

Now I was annoyed.  I threw her number onto the hostess stand.  “Don’t bother getting us a table.”  Keeping my arm around Mara, I swiftly left the Crab Trap, making a mental note to speak with the Manager sometime later.  “I’m sorry, Mara.  It usually is a very pleasant place to dine.  I’m sure the Manager will take care of it.  I can’t believe some people.”

“Taggart, don’t let it get to you.”  I opened the passenger door to my ‘Vette to help Mara in, then shut the door and got in on my side.

“Sometimes it does.  Well, it used to not bother me, but now it does.  I didn’t expect it to really.  I never lose sleep over gossip, but now there’s you and I don’t like it.”

“That’s why I’m glad I’m a maple tree.”  That was a curious thing for her to say.

I glanced at her while I was driving.  “Excuse me.  A maple tree?”

“I’m glad I’m a maple tree.”  She repeated.

“What’s a maple tree?”  I was really trying to keep my eyes on the road, but Mara’s statement tossed in a little diversion.

“A maple tree, Tagg?  You know, those pretty trees with the deeply notched leaves?”

I joyously sighed, to make sure Mara knew I wasn’t growing increasingly frustrated.  “Mara, sweetie, I know what a maple tree is, would you care to elaborate on your statement?”

“Oh, sure.  You know, maple trees aren’t as big as oak trees, so when they’re planted near each other, the maple tree ends up in the big oak tree’s shade.  Some might say the maple would be unhappy always being in its shade, but I would rather.  Be in the shade, that is.  Some people weren’t meant to be the big oak, always in the sun, in the spotlight, you could say.  Like you; you’re an oak.  I’m a maple.  In the shadows of the bigger people.  This way, I don’t get that unwanted attention.  You know what I mean?”

“Surprisingly, I think I do.  Why does that analogy sound so familiar?”

“The Trees.  It’s a song performed by Rush.”

“Rush.  Oh yeah.  I remember that song.  You like Rush?”

“I do.  I like a lot of bands, as long as there’s meaning in their lyrics.  Well, I like a good beat, too.  And fun.  Sometimes I like fun music.”