Authors: Kirsten Lee
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you would be worried, Adam. If I had known, I would’ve phoned.” We have somehow moved even closer and I can feel his breath on my face.
“I was worried.” I close my eyes as his softly whispered words break through my carefully constructed walls and reach my soul. I open my eyes, but cannot gather the courage to look in his eyes. I am scared of what I will see there and don’t feel ready for either the hope or the disappointment it will create. I so desperately want to see something, but am so dreadfully scared of all that follows that something. I’m very happy when he infringes upon my thoughts.
“Promise to phone next time.”
“I promise.” I smile and look up. “Does that mean I am not grounded?” Adam lets out a sound which is a combination of a grunt, a sigh and a laugh.
“No, you’re not grounded.” He leans in, gives me the gentlest kiss on my forehead and pulls me into his arms. I put my arms around his waist and put my cheek against his chest. Oh god, it feels good. I could stay here forever. My forever doesn’t last very long when a loud fart next to us breaks the moment with the force of a hurricane. We both burst out laughing and I move out of Adam’s arms – not without a sense of loss.
“I have to go and have a shower.” I bend down and ruffle Blossom’s ears. I straighten up and on impulse take two steps back to where Adam is standing and give him a long kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.”
I ignore his “For what?” as I walk out the kitchen to try and get myself ready for the rest of the day. And to process last night’s events.
The shower is pounding on my back and I sigh with pure bliss. What a night it turned out to be. After I got in the car with Zondra, I realised that I couldn’t possibly bring her here. I’m sure that neither Zondra nor Adam would’ve wanted that, so I had to keep Zondra awake so she could give me directions to her house. I was extremely surprised when she directed me to a middle-class neighbourhood and we stopped in front of a relatively small, inconspicuous house. Once we reached it I was faced with another challenge of getting her out of the car and into the house. We barely made it to the front door when she started getting sick. Yes, she got sick all over her porch and no, I wasn’t going to clean that. I might be a nice person who helps other people, but that I was not going to do. Gross.
I’m not very good with bodily functions and only deal with Blossom’s because it is relatively harmless in smell and product. I eventually managed to get her into the house, located the downstairs wash room and left Zondra there to go in search of the kitchen for water and coffee. Back in the wash room Zondra had collapsed on the floor, curled around the toilet – like a little girl curled around her favourite teddy bear. A boring few hours followed with me sitting on the bathroom floor reading through Zondra’s collection of designer magazines and every so often holding her head when she woke up to get sick again.
I’m a saint.
It was at about three this morning when she was sober enough to stagger into her living room and collapse on the sofa. I dutifully followed her with a wet towel, a glass of water for her and another coffee for me. The problem with Zondra’s kitchen is that she only has decaf coffee. I never understood the purpose for decaf. Why even bother? Well, I made myself another cup of the vile stuff and settled into a very comfortable armchair. I thought she had fallen asleep when she started speaking in a croaking voice.
“Alex, please don’t tell anyone about this. I thought that I had made a break from this, but it is stronger than me. I really thought I had it beat.” A small sob escaped from her and she covered her eyes with her hands. “Oh god, if anyone finds out it will be the end of my career.”
At this point a lot of things started coming together, but I was apprehensive to draw conclusions. In hind sight, I know that if I did, I would’ve been right.
“The judge warned me that he will take my licence and throw me in jail.”
“Jail?” I almost shouted, but managed a shocked whisper. Zondra took her hands off her eyes and turned her head towards me.
“Yes, jail. He was kind enough to let me off with a warning and compulsory group therapy for a year. I finished the therapy, thinking that I had this beat, but…”
“Had what beat, Zondra?”
“My gambling problem.” The three words came out in a strangled whisper filled with pain, humiliation and self-disappointment. “I left the city six years ago after an incident that cost me my job, my husband and my life. I lost everything. Tonight was the first time I’ve been in a casino since that time. I thought I was strong enough.”
“Why did you go?”
“A very important, no, strategic client invited me and knowing it would be good for my business and for PR, I decided to go.”
“But the security man knew you. How?”
“Oh, Jones and I met at group therapy. He is one of the supporting counsellors. If it wasn’t for him tonight…” She put her hands on her eyes again and groaned. “And I never get drunk. Oh, I made such an ass of myself tonight.”
“Why did you get drunk then?”
“To try and deaden the desire to gamble.”
“Oh Zondra, that is the worst thing to do.” I said sadly.
“I know, I know! Thank god Jones saw me and stopped me before I did something really stupid. Like gambling.”
“You mean, you didn’t actually gamble?”
“No, but I might as well have done. I had bought the chips and were about to throw the dice when Jones grabbed my arm. I feel so stupid.” I heard the humiliation and self-loathing and didn’t quite know what to do. So I just listened. Zondra told me about her job in the city, her husband and their legal practice which was extremely successful and prestigious. Her gambling problem damaged the company, wrecked her personal life and when she overstepped the financial legalities in the company and at one of the local casino’s, it brought on a court case that signalled the end of her career, marriage and lifestyle.
Only the judge’s kindness kept her from going to jail, but her husband have never spoken to her since and still refuses to see her. All communication was done through their separate lawyers and there has been no contact since the divorce. She came to Villsburg with a tainted reputation, a heap of debt and a soul full of shame. Her debts are mostly paid off by sheer determination and her simple lifestyle, which her house and furniture attest to. Her clothes and car are upmarket for PR reasons.
We spent a long time talking – actually she was talking and I was listening. At one point I told her about Jones’ insistence on her phoning someone and that brought out another groan. I left her to have her conversation with her supporting counsellor and made us both some tea. That coffee was really disgusting. At that point I looked out the kitchen window and saw the sun rising for the second time in a week. Neither of the times were particularly good. It was then that a deep exhaustion settled into my bones and I wanted to come home.
Back in the living room, I found Zondra softly crying and I put the tea on the scuffed coffee table. I sat next to her, held her hand and handed her tissues until her tears stopped. She dried her face and looked at the dawning day outside for a long time before she turned to me.
“Alex…”
“You don’t even have to ask, Zondra. No one will ever know about any of this. It is nobody’s business.” I talked a bit longer to her and assured once again her that I will never tell anyone and then came home – to be greeted at the door by Attila the Hun giving me the Spanish inquisition. I get out the shower and vigorously dry myself with the soft towel.
I wonder if and how this will change the dynamics between Zondra and myself. As an optimist (I’m only a severe defeatist when it comes to my love life), I hope that it might shift and that Zondra will become easier to deal with. But as a realist, I’m sadly sure that out of a sense of duty Zondra will co-operate a bit better, but this won’t change her personality. From the deepest part of myself I hope that she will prove me wrong. Only time will tell.
I’ll never use this against her, since I know what it means to have something in your life that you are not proud of and truly don’t want anyone else to know about. There were moments in the last few weeks where I know I would’ve been tempted to have this as a back-up weapon, but could never get myself to use it. Really. It sucks being nice.
I get out a tub of lightly scented body milk and automatically start with my arms and moisturise my body, making sure I put a bit extra on my elbows. I was really surprised by how strong Adam came on in the kitchen. If I didn’t know any better I would think that he actually cared – a little voice tells me he does, but I stubbornly ignore it.
It’s one thing to be attracted to him physically, but it’s a total different kettle of fish to feel an emotional attraction. That scares me more than anything else. I can’t say that I’m surprised at the feelings that are trying to surface. The last three weeks that I’ve been sharing his house with him has shown me a man that I could easily fall in love with. Something that I’ve studiously avoided for years.
I pull my fingers through my wet hair and look at myself in the half-steamed up mirror. My roots are beginning to show – I need a touch up for this fabulous colour that Juan chose for me. I lean in and look at my bloodshot eyes. Those moments when Adam held me comes back to me and once again I can feel his lips softly touch my forehead. I place my fingertips on my forehead and frown when my soul starts awakening with hope. This is not good. Oh, this is not good at all.
Chapter 17
“Pass the salt, please.”
I hand the salt to Erin, who sprinkles it liberally over his omelette and I continue my tales. “Then I told Ray that this was not the nineteenth century and we were not going to have a freak show, so he had to phone the League of Short People and smooth things over.”
“I cannot believe that an institution for short people actually put on a show like that. It is in such bad taste.”
“I know! What is even worse is that I didn’t see it on the programme. I only realised something was amiss when Ray mentioned that he received an email from them insisting on having all facilities adjusted for little people. It was really quite an eventful Friday. These people were going to have a show reminiscent of a time in history when it was still acceptable to point and laugh at people with freckles, stand out ears and anyone who did not come from the same mould as the masses.” I’m aghast at this and was quite happy to cancel that one show to make place for an acapella soul group.
“And how is your latest acquisition going, Adam?”
Erin and Adam start talking about the new business Adam’s company has bought and I give myself over to my thoughts. I’ve been in Villsburg for a bit more than a month, and even though we speak on the phone often, I miss
Erin
’s presence. When he walked into the office Friday afternoon, I realised exactly how much I missed him. We’ve been working together for such a long time that it seems we’ve become part of each others’ days and not having him in my everyday life has left an emptiness.
Ray had to peel me off
Erin
, because I didn’t want to stop hugging him when he walked through the door. After the extended hug, I asked about his leg and that’s when the poor baby remembered and we had to get him a chair immediately. Drama queen. His leg is almost back to normal, but he took a liking to his walking stick and has been swinging the thing around all weekend. Much to my annoyance.
We went home Friday to an already prepared dinner. Adam knew
Erin
was coming and they decided to surprise me. We talked until the wee hours of Saturday morning and spent most of the morning sleeping in. The rest of the day was spent lazing around the house. We sat around the swimming pool, had lunch and the two men watched some television while I finished reading my crime novel. I fell asleep on the couch and was woken up for a walk which Blossom was especially appreciative of.
I listen to Adam and
Erin
discuss work and think how quickly time passed. I can’t believe it is Sunday morning and
Erin
will go home again this afternoon. I also can’t believe that the festival is only twelve days away. Where has the time gone?
We decided this morning to go for brunch at a quaint little inn not so far from town and are now seated at a table groaning under the food laid on it. I sigh a happy sigh and smile at the waitress as she brings us fresh toast. I’m quite content at the breakfast table with my best friend and my… my… what is Adam to me?
We are colleagues, house mates and… oh, it’s just wrong to think so deeply on a Sunday morning. I consciously veer away from this line of thinking and grab a hot piece of toast that Adam buttered to sink my teeth into. Adam takes a sip of his coffee and pulls a face. I reach for the sugar and tip a spoon into his cup.
Erin
starts laughing so loudly that I jump in my chair and glare at him because I sprayed sugar all over the table.
“What on earth is the matter with you?”
“You two.” He reaches for the serviette and wipes the tears off his cheeks. Tears. He’s laughing that hard. Adam and I look at each other with uneasy smiles on our faces. Both of us know Erin pretty well and I know that I’ve never seen
Erin
laugh so hard. “Oh… oh dear, just look at the pair of you.”