Chapter 22
Staci blasted the satellite radio in her Benz on her way over to Malcolm's loft. It wasn't that she enjoyed the music so much; she was trying to drown out her conscience. It wasn't safe for her to be with Malcolm right now, and she knew it. “What could be wrong with watching a movie?” she asked audibly. She knew what was wrong. The same thing that was wrong when she and Derrick had done it a few years ago. The quiet evening turned into breakfast in bed and lunch in the afternoon. “I don't have anything to worry about, because I'm not attracted to Malcolm.” As the words left her mouth, doubts surfaced. She may not have been attracted to Malcolm, but she craved the pleasure he offered.
The elevator ride to Malcolm's third-floor loft felt like an eternity. She thought it was ironic that the song playing in the elevator was Marvin Gaye's “Let's Get It On.” She only had to knock once before Malcolm opened the door.
“Good evening, beautiful.”
Malcolm's sensual smile confirmed her earlier doubts. He was wearing what appeared to be silk pajamas. The warm vanilla aroma engulfed her the second she stepped inside the unit. Malcolm had scented candles all around and soft music playing through the surround sound stereo system.
“It smells heavenly in here. How did you know I like vanilla?”
“You told me, remember?” he answered.
“I also told you I wanted a quiet evening, not a romantic interlude.”
“Staci, relax. I'm just creating a cozy atmosphere so you can get today's events off your mind.” Malcolm reached for her hand, and she allowed him to lead her to the bar, where he had champagne chilling.
“Malcolm, you know I don't drink alcohol.” Once again, she glimpsed his outfit. “Why are you wearing pajamas?”
“Staci, stop worrying. The champagne is nonalcoholic, and this is what I wear when I'm lounging around.”
“Just as long as you understand nothing is going to happen between us tonight,” she said, before accepting the drink.
“Of course, Staci. Nothing will happen here tonight that you don't want to happen.”
“Good.”
Staci took a sip of champagne and walked around the loft. The floor plan was similar to the ones she and Derrick owned. It was a simple place, decorated typically the way a single man would decorate. The furniture was nice, but it was simple in design. Probably something he'd picked out from IKEA. Most of the walls were bare, but the hardwood floors were gorgeous. Staci, too engrossed in the self-tour, didn't notice Malcolm wasn't drinking with her.
She closed her eyes and started swaying to the music. Malcolm stood back and watched her succumb to the atmosphere. “You're beautiful and too sexy for your own good.” He extended his hand to her after she finished her drink. “Dance with me, Staci.” When she hesitated, he pleaded. “Come on, I won't bite.”
Staci was so relaxed by now she didn't care if he did bite. The music, the warm vanilla scent, the glow of the candlesâall had an intoxicating effect on her. She accepted his hand and in no time they were slow dancing to Boyz II Men's “I'll Make Love to You.”
Staci closed her eyes and rested her head on Malcolm's shoulder. Flowing to the music she thought of Derrick. He was the only man she'd danced this close to before. The more friction they created, the more she thought of Derrick.
Malcolm stroked her back. Starting at the top and working his way down lower, lower, until he was griping her and pressing her body against his.
She moaned and imagined Malcolm's touch felt like Derrick's touch. She inhaled his scent and willed Malcolm to smell like her husband. Staci let her hands run across Malcolm's shoulders and down his arms. She gasped. Malcolm was nowhere near the size of Derrick, but at that moment, in her mind, his body felt like Derrick's.
“Beautiful, Staci,” he whispered when he kissed the side of her face.
The illusory game worked too well. Derrick loved to call her, his “beautiful Stacelyn.” She felt light-headed as fantasy and reality collided. She knew she was with Malcolm, but he felt so much like Derrick she wanted to be with him in the most intimate way.
Malcolm whispered the words to the song in her ear.
“I'll make love to you like you want me to.”
He even sounded like Derrick. She wouldn't open her eyes for fear he would look like her husband. She tried to break the embrace, but she was too weak. Suddenly, the day's events drained her physically.
“DerâI mean, Malcolm, please stop.” Her voice sounded as if it came from someplace far away.
“Staci, you know you want this. You need this.” He moaned and trailed kisses along her neck.
Staci couldn't protest. She did want this, but not with him. She tried pulling away, but he strengthened his grip. She knew if she didn't leave soon, she would end up in bed, or worse, on the couch with him. At the moment, the hardwood floor was a viable option. She had to get away from him, but somehow didn't have the strength.
God, forgive me for not going home
, she prayed inwardly. Somehow in the grogginess that enveloped her, it made sense for her to pray. She couldn't do anything else while Malcolm continued grinding against her and exploring her neck with his tongue and lips.
God, please help me get out of this.
Somehow in her sedated state, she remembered a scripture. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble
.
”
“I'm in trouble, Lord. Please send help now,” she whispered the prayer.
Malcolm unfastened the first button on her blouse, then jumped back. The vibration from her cell phone startled him, but it made Staci perk up. With record speed, she unclipped her phone from her waist and answered it before Malcolm could protest.
“Hello,” she almost screamed into the phone.
“Baby girl, how are you? You've been on my mind all evening. Just thought I would give you a call. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.”
Staci vigorously shook her head as to clear it. Once again, her daddy was her hero. She stepped away from Malcolm.
“Daddy, your timing is perfect. Thank you so much for calling me.” She fastened her button and quickly retrieved her purse. She still felt groggy, but she had to get out of there now.
“Baby girl, are you sure you're okay? You sound funny.”
“Staci, wait!” Malcolm called when she opened his front door, but she continued on.
Once outside the unit, she answered her father. “Daddy, this phone call kept me from making a major mistake.”
Carey's tone deepened. “Staci, where are you? And who is that yelling your name?”
The elevator opened just as Malcolm stepped outside into the hallway. Staci shook her head at him and stepped inside the elevator.
“I'm somewhere I shouldn't be,” she answered her father while looking at Malcolm. She was very fatigued, so she couldn't be sure, but she thought she saw fire in his eyes.
When she reached her car, she didn't think it was safe for her to be driving. She was too sleepy, but she refused to stay there. “Daddy, can you talk to me until I make it home? I'm very tired.”
“Sure, but you'd better stop tempting the grace of God.”
“Don't I know it.”
Chapter 23
Derrick sat on the floor at the foot of the bed with his opened Bible in his hand. He'd been down there for hours. He cried a lot, releasing the feelings of hurt and insecurity he had buried deep inside of him. Then he listened to God comforting him and encouraging him. He prayed too. He prayed for courage, stability, and acceptance. Not from people, but for him to accept his life as it is. For him to stop trying to conform himself to what he thought he should be and accept what God had made him. Then he prayed for forgiveness.
“Father, have mercy on me; for I acknowledge my transgression and my sin is ever before me. I have not been honest with my wife. I have tried to build our marriage on deception in order to cover up my own shortcomings. I know you desire truth in the inward parts. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and create in me a clean heart. Restore unto me the joy of my salvation. Help me to take responsibility for my actions and grant me the grace to handle the consequences. Amen.”
By 7:00
A.M.
Derrick was dressed and ready for church. He hadn't slept all night, but he wasn't tired. Even if he was, it didn't matter. He was going to church today, and he wasn't going to hide in the balcony. Some kind of way, he would get through the pending loss of his mother and find his way back home to Staci, but first, he needed to rededicate his life to God. That's the only thing that mattered to him. Everything and everyone else was secondary, including Staci. His experience last night showed him the reason his life started spiraling downward was because he left his first love.
Since childhood, he had a relationship with God. He learned about Him in Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. In high school, he used to get teased because he always blessed his food and carried a Bible in his backpack. In college, it was the same thing until he fell in love with Staci. Shortly after they'd met, God had shown him in a dream that Staci was his ordained mate. Derrick insisted they wait until he finished dental school before they married, and she quickly agreed. That being the first real relationship for both of them, they didn't know how to handle the sexual tension that arose. From the moment he yielded to his flesh, his life started unraveling at the seams. That night everything changed; he changed. He'd been running ever since.
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Staci could barely open her eyes. From the brightness of the sun, she knew she had overslept past her usual 6:30
A.M.
start time.
Maybe I'll catch the second service,
she thought. She liked the 11:00
A.M.
worship service better anyway. She stretched once again, and this time finally opened her eyes to check the time.
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed. It was after one o'clock in the afternoon. How in the world did I sleep so long? she wondered. She remembered dragging into the house extremely tired and sleepy. So sleepy that she didn't bother changing her clothes, having slept on top of the covers in the same clothing she'd worn to Miss Cora's birthdayâand to Malcolm's loft.
Staci shook her head when she thought of the big mistake she'd almost made last night.
“Lord, I will never let that happen again,” she vowed. Just thinking about Malcolm touching her, kissing her, made her feel dirty. She hurried into the bathroom and started the shower. Instead of throwing her clothes into the hamper, she threw them into the trash, underwear included.
Things were without a doubt going to change as far as Mr. Leblanc was concerned, she decided as the hot pellets rejuvenated her body. Last night, he'd crossed the friendship line. He didn't bear the blame alone, though. She shouldn't have been there in the first place. In retrospect, there were a lot of things she shouldn't have said or done. She should've listened to her mother months ago, but she didn't, and because of that, she nearly committed adultery. She felt like she had.
God, thank you for being so merciful to me last night. I know I haven't been faithful to you lately, but as always, you've extended your unconditional love toward me. Forgive me for my disobedient actions.
As Staci dried off, she made a sound decision. She was going to stop using Malcolm as a Band-Aid and a cushion. On his best day, Malcolm couldn't replace Derrick, and she didn't want him to. She would have to find another way to handle the emptiness left by Derrick. It was difficult, but yesterday helped her accept the fact that her marriage was damaged beyond repair.
“Did I tell you that?”
“No,” she audibly answered the voice.
“Nothing is over until I say it's over.”
Staci's mind wandered back to Miss Cora, who believed without a doubt she and Derrick would celebrate twenty years of marriage. The drugs she's taking must have hallucinogens in them, Staci figured.
She was about to head to the kitchen to brew some tea when the phone rang.
“Who would be calling me on a Sunday? It'd better not be Malcolm,” she grumbled.
“Girl, where are you? You won't believe what happened today!” It was Lashay with Shannon in the background. Their excitement was contagious.
“What happened?”
“Guess!” Shannon yelled into the phone.
“Oh my God, you didn't have the baby without calling me, did you?” Staci asked.
“No, nothing like that. Guess who rededicated their life to Christ today?”
“Craig?” Her younger brother was the only person who came to mind.
Lashay smacked her lips. “Please, you have to have once been dedicated in order to rededicate.”
Staci didn't have a clue as to whom they were talking about. “I give up.”
“Derrick.”
“Who?”
“Don't tell me you've forgotten your husband's name already,” Lashay laughed.
Staci was stunned. “Are you sure? True Worship has over five thousand members. It could have been someone who looks like him.”
“Is she crazy?” Staci heard Lashay ask.
“You've known her longer than I have. I just married into the family. That's your blood relative,” Shannon responded.
“Staci, how many people are six feet five, two hundred fifty pounds, and look like a rerun episode of
Magnum, PI?
” Lashay asked.
“I guess you're right,” she responded, trying to suppress the smile threatening to break forth. “What happened?”
“One of the ushers told me he came to the eight o'clock service,” Lashay started, “but I saw him when I came to the second service. This time he didn't hide in the balcony. He sat on the main floor, front-row center. Then when Reggie made the altar call in the eleven o'clock service, Derrick was the first one to come forth.”
“You should have seen him,” Shannon added. “He was on his knees with his hands raised, just crying and praising God.”
Staci didn't know what to say. The Derrick she saw yesterday didn't sound like the same person they were talking about. However, the description did sound like the Derrick she'd met almost eight years ago.
“Girl, your man is back!” Lashay exclaimed.
Staci had been let down too many times to be that optimistic. Besides, today, she didn't want Derrick back.
“I wouldn't say all that, but it's good he's getting his life in order.”
“She
is
crazy,” Lashay whispered, but Staci heard her.
“I'm not crazy, I'm real. Derrick and I are not getting back together.”
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“Welcome back, son,” Pastor Reggie said when Derrick joined him in the office after service.
“It's good to be back.” Derrick really meant that. For years, he hadn't felt the inner peace he was now experiencing. Derrick went on to share his midnight encounter with Reggie.
“God is so good, and He knows how to get our attention,” Reggie laughed. “How does that old song go, âYou may be high, you may be low, but when the Lord gets ready, you've got to move.'”
“Believe me, He knows how to move you,” Derrick chuckled.
Reggie's expression turned serious. “Are you ready to talk to Staci?” Derrick knew he was referring to telling her the truth about what happened the day Staci ended the life of their child.
“Almost, but first, I need some uninterrupted time with the Lord. For the next seven days, I'm consecrating; then I'm going to talk to her. That is, if she'll listen.”
“I think that's a good idea. I would also like to see you once a week for one-on-one counseling.”
Derrick smiled. He himself was going to suggest something like that. There were many things he wanted to get off his chest, and Pastor Reggie was one of the few people he felt he could trust with his feelings. “Thank you.” Derrick paused. “I don't know what's going to happen with Staci. Based on what I saw yesterday, it maybe too late.”
Reggie leaned his elbows on his desk. “Derrick, what do you want to happen?”
“I want to go home to my wife.”