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He won’t be back for a while? Where is he? An unexpected feeling fills my chest, but I can’t explain it any better than my other emotions.

“Hey, babe. You ready?” Quinn asks, emerging from her room.

“Yeah,” Alex says, standing up. “I’ll set everything up tomorrow, Ashley. Don’t go back to that hack place again.” He winks.

“Okay,” I say absentmindedly, still distracted by the unsettling feeling overtaking me.

“You going to be okay?” Quinn asks while putting her coat.

“Yeah, I’m just going to head to bed. Have fun, you guys,” I say before waving them off.

As soon as they’ve left, I make my way to my room and force myself to sleep. I don’t want to decipher whatever the hell is going on in my head right now.

“Have you given anymore thought to talking things through with Tanner?” Dr. Paterson asks. “Have you thought about forgiving him? You felt much better after getting proper closure with Jason.”

“I don’t think I’ll be getting the chance to talk about forgiveness with him for a while,” I say, the words flying out of my mouth before I realize it. My subconscious must be eager to talk about Tanner.

“Why do you say that?” she asks as she writes down something in that godforsaken notebook.

“He left.”

“What do you mean?” Her attention shifts from her notebook to me.

“I haven’t heard from him since he picked me up from my session here two weeks ago. I found out that he left town, and he isn’t due back for a while.” That same stupid feeling from the other night rises up in my chest again.

“What happened after your session?” Dr. Paterson asks.

“He overheard my conversation with Jason and was upset that I forgave Jason but not him. He asked how I could do that so easily.”

“What did you tell him?” She returns to making notes.

The scribbling of the pen on the paper is driving me crazier than usual today.

“I told him the truth.”

Dr. Paterson looks up from her pad, giving me a reprieve from the nerve-wracking sound. “Which is?” she asks.

“I didn’t love Jason the way I love Tanner, and Jason didn’t leave me high and dry while pregnant. I left him.” I try to ignore her stare because I know I’ve just made a crucial step by saying that out loud, and I suspect she’s about to broach a topic I’m not going to enjoy.

“But Tanner came back. He didn’t leave you high and dry,” she says, proving my hunch correct.

“It didn’t matter at that point,” I insist, repeating the same words I’ve been saying for weeks but without screaming like a crazy person.

“Why not?” she asks, probing further.

“Because the damage was already done,” I huff out, trying to focus on anything but her face so I don’t have to see that damn expression she gets whenever we talk about Tanner. It looks like sympathy, and I don’t think it’s sympathy for me.

Dr. Paterson uncrosses her legs and rests her forearms on her knees, leaning in as though she’s going to tell me a secret. “It seems as though there’s more you’re feeling that you don’t want to talk about. I can’t help you if you don’t talk about it,” she says.

“I can’t trust him.” I sigh, unsure as to why I hadn’t wanted to tell her when I’ve already told Tanner as much.

“Why can’t you trust him?”

“I can’t trust him to be there for me. Last time I needed him, he bailed.”

“Did he?” she questions, cocking her head to slide like a quizzical child. The pose is almost condescending.

“Yes. He ran the minute I told him I was pregnant,” I remind her.

“Was that the last time you needed him?”

I grit my teeth. “Yes,” I say, trying to keep my anger at the level of mild irritation.

“You didn’t need him after the accident?”

“No, I could’ve managed without him.” As long as I had Quinn, I would’ve been just fine.

“Could you have?” she asks, leveling me with a gaze.

We’re back to her being a brick wall, I see.

“Yes,” I say again.

Dr. Paterson sits up straight in her chair, clearly not willing to back down until I acknowledge her point. “Ashley, do you honestly think that you would be where you are right now without Tanner’s help?” she asks.

A series of images flashes through my mind: Tanner scolding the doctor for shining the light in my eyes when I woke in the hospital, Tanner scooping me off the floor after I fell on my first day without Quinn, Tanner bursting through my bedroom door after my breakdown.

“I don’t know. Probably. There wouldn’t have been an accident if he’d been there in the beginning.”

“Ashley, you can’t keep holding on to that theory. It’s just that: a theory. I want you to think about the facts instead—like the fact that today you’ve been more affected talking about Tanner leaving than you have been about any other topic, like the fact that you referred to your love for Tanner in the present tense.” She gives me a sad smile, as though she’s waiting for a light to click on in my head.

So I said “love” instead “loved.” Big deal.

“I want to talk about one more point before we end: how did you feel when he said goodbye?” Dr. Paterson asks.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I couldn’t really form any coherent thoughts after everything he’d said, but I hadn’t though he meant goodbye forever.”

“But that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“So what do you think it means that you aren’t happy about him finally honoring your wishes?” She asks.

“I don’t know.” I honestly have no idea why I’m not happy, and I have no idea what not knowing means.

“I want you to think about what has happened instead of what may have happened. You don’t know for sure what the outcome would’ve been if Tanner had been by your side from the beginning. Fate is fate, Ashley.”

Fate is bitch, a bitch who isn’t my friend.

Chapter 30

Tanner

“You look so much better, man,” Alex says, returning to the table with a new round of beers.

I take a long swig of my beer, glancing around the club. “It was nice to get away for a little while. I haven’t focused on just myself for months. It was nice to be free.”

“How’d you do with the training schedule Max laid out for you?” Max is one of the new trainers that the team has brought on for the new season. He’s different from most of the trainers I’ve worked with. His philosophy on getting back into the training mindset after a long break—such as for athletes like myself who haven’t focused on anything other than helping rehabilitate an ex-girlfriend who hates his guts for months on end—is to isolate oneself from outside influences as much as possible. When I’d decided it was time to break away from Ashley, I began working with him in the hopes of getting back into shape and building a better mindset.

Before I could really get down to training though, there were a few kids’ camps I’d agreed to participate in for Mathis, but as soon as I’d finished those up, Max had set me up at a resort in Oahu. The complex had sort of reminded me of one of those monasteries monks live in. It was quiet, serene, and had everything you would need to rebuild yourself physically and mentally. The scenery alone was a sight to behold—just what you’d picture a Hawaiian getaway to look like. It was off the beaten path in a town on the North shore that had a name I couldn’t pronounce properly, not yet a huge tourist attraction, and there was a beautiful lookout spot not too far from the resort. Everything was green and lush on one side with a great coastal view on the other.

The facilities lacked for nothing. They had this amazing state-of-the-art gym with floor-to-ceiling windows along one wall, providing a beautiful view of the beach. There were several different pools scattered throughout the complex as well—one for swimming laps, a really cold one that was better than an ice bath for soaking sore muscles, a hot tub for relaxation… Another pool even had exercise equipment set up in the water for training. There were mediation rooms, yoga classes, and even running trails down on the beach. Anything you could think of related to shutting off and relaxing, they had it.

“Max is definitely onto something with the way he does things,” I say. “It’s almost like strength and conditioning rehab. I plan on going back again. It was definitely beneficial.”

“I’m glad, Tag. You definitely needed some serious downtime,” he says before bringing his bottle to his lips. It hits me that Alex has been such a great support system to me over the last few months, and I realize now how important it is to have good people around you.

“It was an experience I needed. Being there put me in a mindset to really look at my life and see a clear picture. Honestly, I can feel a difference. I feel lighter and ready to have my life revolve around me again. I’m ready to find something to be happy about.” I smile at him, feeling like a new man.

He clinks his beer bottle against mine in a toast. “Well, like I said before, you look great. I can see the difference. I’m happy for you, man.”

“I’m glad to be home though,” I say. “Listen, I don’t know if I’ve told you this, and if I have, I haven’t said it enough. Thank you for being here for me through all of this. I know it wasn’t easy for you, always being in the middle. I appreciate you staying by my side even when you were pissed at me.”

“I never would’ve been anywhere else. We’re family. Family sticks together. Now let’s get drunk and enjoy the night like old times.

I look around the club again. Nothing appeals to me about it, but I’m working toward reclaiming my independence, and some guys from the team had wanted to meet up this weekend to hang out, so here I am.

An hour later, I’m still not feeling the club scene, but I am enjoying the company of my friends. I find myself laughing heartily, which I haven’t done in a long while. It feels a bit foreign to me.

“Hey, handsome,” a sugary voice says from beside me.

I look left to see a beautiful blonde looking up at me with a bright smile.

“Hello,” I reply, giving her a smile of my own.

“Feel like dancing?” she asks, placing her hand on my shoulder and slowly running it down my arm.

My first instinct is to say no, but I should be trying to get back out there. What can one dance hurt?

“Sure. Why not?” I finish the remainder of my beer and leave the empty bottle on the table as I grab her hand to lead her out to the dance floor.

She presses against me as we maneuver through the sea of bodies writhing to the music. When we find an opening, I swing her around in front of me and pull her toward me. Pushing my reservations out of my mind, I concentrate on enjoying the warm, willing body molded to mine. I close my eyes and try to get lost in the music. There’s no fighting, no blaming, no nasty comments. When I open my eyes, my subconscious fights back. The blonde hair is all wrong. The barely there clothing isn’t right either. The nice but very large fake tits pressed into my chest feel hard and unnatural.

“You know, I’ve seen your picture all over. I told myself that if I ever ran into you, I would do whatever I could to spend the night with you,” the scantily clad girl purrs into my ear. As if the physical differences between her and Ashley hadn’t been enough, those words just sealed the deal. Why do I need to keep reminding myself that sluts are a dime a dozen? I guess the only things I can count on to go right are my career and reputation.

“I’m not sleeping with you, sweetheart,” I say, pushing her back. “I’m used to your kind, and I don’t fall for shit lines like yours. You’re a beautiful woman. Do yourself a favor and learn some self-respect. Groupies and gold-diggers are everywhere. Be better than that.”

I walk away, leaving her wide-eyed and open-mouthed in the middle of the dance floor. What woman in her right mind tells a man that she’ll do whatever it takes to spend the night in his bed? That might be appealing to some guys but not to me. For a minute, I had almost tricked myself into thinking maybe things had changed. Not in my world. Everyone wants something from me—except for the one person I want to share everything with.

I’m not just pissed at myself for thinking things had changed. I’m also pissed that Ashley’s still invading my mind. What does a guy have to do to move on with his life? Fuck if I know, but I’m done with this place. I’d rather go home and throw a few back with Alex in peace.