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“Again, Daddy, again!” Malcolm’s daughter yells as he jumps up again, causing her and her group of little princess friends to go flying into the air. There is so much joy on her face. “I love you, Daddy. You’re best,” she says hugging him something fierce when she comes back down from that last bounce into the air.

“I have so much respect for them,” Alex says. “It takes a certain kind of man to give a child that much love. I once thought that you were that kind of man, Tag. But I guess I was wrong.” He shakes his head, taking a long pull of his beer. Here we go again.

I take an equally long pull of beer. “Dude, I don’t want to have this argument with you again.” We haven’t really gotten into it too much since the night I first told him Ashley had claimed to be pregnant with my child. He’s brought it up a few times but not in the hostile tone I hear in his voice right now.

“I just can’t believe that my own best friend would abandon his child and the mother of that child. It really pisses me off. Especially when you’re talking about becoming the front man for a charity for underprivileged kids. I’m sorry, bro, but you’re a fucking hypocrite. I have a huge problem with the way that you’re handling things. I thought you would’ve come around by now, but you haven’t, and each day that goes by, it pisses me off more. Especially when I see how strong Ash is trying to be through this. I see the toll it’s taking on her even though she won’t admit it. I see the pain in her eyes. It makes me want to lay you out, honestly.”

When he sees the pain in her eyes? When is he seeing her? More importantly,
why
is he seeing her? I don’t want her anywhere near my life. Great best friend I have.

“What’s wrong with you? I can’t believe you’d side with that bitch over me,” I accuse him, moving to stand directly in front of him, not trying to hide the anger in my tone.

“What’s wrong with
me
? What the hell is wrong with
you
, Tanner?” He shakes his head at me.

I hear the frustration in his voice, and it pisses me off. Who the hell does he think he is, getting all up in my face about this situation? He’s the one who’s keeping in contact with the woman trying to make a paycheck out of me.

“Listen, motherfucker, you may be my best friend, but I won’t hesitate to lay
you
out. Who the fuck are you to take that tone with me? You’re the one still talking to the woman who’s trying to use me. If anyone should be pissed off here, it’s me, you fucking traitor,” I growl at him, getting close enough that we stand nose to nose. He’s gone too far this time.

He doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by me being in his personal space. He just cocks his head to the side and lets out a mocking laugh. “You really are a delusional dipshit, Tanner. Use you for what? Have you even heard from her since you walked out on her weeks ago? No, you haven’t. And I’m pretty sure that you won’t ever again. She wants nothing to with you, dickhead. Did you know that she got a second job? She’s been working her ass off to prepare for the life of a single mom. Does that sound like someone trying to get a dime from you? I’m glad that you walked out on her. You don’t deserve her. All the dumb shit you’ve done over the years has never bothered me or made me bat an eye, but this… this makes me ashamed to even call you my friend. Don’t worry, bro. I’ll keep my eye on your kid for you. I hope Ashley finds a real man that’s willing to step up to the plate and be a father to your kid. Maybe he’ll be a good role model and the kid will stand a chance of not turning out like his asshole sperm donor. Shame too. You had an excellent example of what a father is supposed to be, and yet here you are—a complete fucking moron. Hope you don’t choke on that regret when it rears its ugly head, asshole,” he says, tossing his now empty beer into the trash can. I watch him head over to Malcolm and his little family to hug them goodbye.

I stand there dumbstruck, watching the party continue around me. My feet are rooted to the floor as I reflect back on everything Alex has just said. She got a second job—so what? That could just mean the kid isn’t mine, and she’s finally realized that I’m not a sucker. It doesn’t mean that she isn’t guilty of using me. It just means that she’s smart enough to know when the jig is up.

Even as I try to convince myself once again that I don’t care about her, I feel a pit start to form in stomach, when I’m pulled from my thoughts as someone sidles up beside me. “Hey, Tan,” Kelvin, our cornerback, says clapping me on the back. “I know it’s not my business, but I happened to overhear that argument between you and Alex. I want to say one thing, and then I won’t ever mention it again.”

“I really don’t want to talk about this, man,” I say, gritting my teeth. The last thing I need is another person knowing how Ashley is trying to screw me over.

“I hear you, but let me just tell you this one thing.” The way his tone changes from friendly to forceful has me curious as to what he wants to say. I nod for him to continue before staring back at the bottle in my hands.

“My dad left my mom when he found she was pregnant with me—left her high and dry to fend for herself. We were poor, dude, and by poor, I mean dirt poor. My mama’s family disowned her and wouldn’t help. We lived in a tiny one bedroom apartment in a building that should have probably been condemned. I got all the love I could ever need from that woman, but I know she had it super rough. She could’ve taken the easy way and got rid of me, but she didn’t, and I have all the love and respect in the world for her. First thing I did when I made it big was buy her a huge mansion because she deserves the world for everything she did. Know what I would give my dad if I ever saw him?”

I look up from the label I’ve been peeling off of my now-empty beer bottle and shake my head.

“Not a second glance. I’d tell him to fuck off and keep it moving. Want that to happen to you someday when you decide that you made a mistake? If you think that there’s even a chance that this kid is yours, you need to step up now. There ain’t no going back. I had a shitty childhood—barely enough food to fill my stomach, holes in my clothes, and sneakers that never fit right because my mama couldn’t afford to buy ones that would fit my big-ass feet. Do you really want your kid to go through things like that? I’m not saying that’s how it’ll be, but you never know, dude. What did this kid do to you? And FYI, your baby mama didn’t wind up knocked up all by herself. Why should she have to deal with the results alone? Pretty shitty, if you ask me. There ain’t nothing worse than listening to your mama cry herself to sleep every night—when she wasn’t working her second shift of the day at the shithole diner down the road.” With those words and another clap on the back, he’s gone.

After that encounter, I need to clear my head. Between Alex and Kelvin, I’m all fucked up now, and I know I have to get out of here to figure out what’s going on. I toss my beer bottle in the trash and follow the same path that Alex did over to Malcolm and his family. I say goodbye and thank them for inviting me. I can’t get to my Rover fast enough. All of a sudden, I don’t feel all that well. I’m starting to sweat, and I feel my heart rate starting to pick up. Once I’ve hopped into my car, I pull out of the parking lot as fast as I can. My thoughts are all jumbled. Maybe Alex is right and I am a total fucking asshole. Fuck, fuck, fuck…

The sun is just starting to set when I finally pull to a stop. I don’t remember deciding to drive to my parents’ place or how I wound up here. I stare up of the house that holds so many fond memories for me. This home was filled with so much love when I was growing up. Like a reel projecting in my head, all of my childhood memories flash through my mind: my dad tossing the football around with me in the front yard, my sisters and I running around playing tag, falling on the sidewalk and skinning my knees when I learned to ride my bike. I remember my dad telling me that it was okay to not get it right the first time but to never give up. My parents have always been there for me. No matter what. I’d known that I could always count on them. If I were ever to be a father, I would want my child to feel the same sense of security I had growing up.

Thoughts swirl around so fast in my head that I can’t make sense of them. I don’t know what I think anymore. Old habits die hard, and I’m so used to people always trying to use me that that was my first assumption. It’s not as though this is the first time I’ve found myself in this situation. Why couldn’t Ashley have just told me what had happened when it happened? I just don’t understand her logic… And Google? What sane person follows medical advice from the Internet? Her choices still don’t make sense to me, and they made me suspicious. I can’t make heads or tails of anything right now, I’m pretty sure my subconscious has driven me here for a reason, even if I’m not sure what it is. Regardless, I’m not ready to talk about this with my parents yet, so I drive home, resolving to sleep on things

“Sammy, please go slow. Watch where you’re running,” a very familiar voice says behind me.

I turn toward it just as a little body slams into my legs, making me stumble.

“Sammy, be careful. I told you to slow down. I’m sorry, sir.” The woman pulls her eyes from the little boy who’s trying to right himself at my feet and looks at me.

I’m frozen as I stare into the blue eyes I could never forget.

“Ashley.” I gasp.

“Tanner.”

There’s a slight tug on the leg of my pants, and I look down to see a smaller version of myself. It feels as if I’m looking at myself twenty-five years younger.

“S’cuse me. Are you my daddy?”

“Sammy, come on. Let’s go. Let’s leave this man alone.” She scrambles to grab the child’s arm, but I’m faster.

“Yes, I believe I am.”

“If you’re my daddy, why didn’t you want me? My mommy says I don’t have a daddy like everyone else because he didn’t want me. Why didn’t you want me? Why don’t you love me like the other daddies?”

I stand there, feeling as though someone has just ripped my heart out and stomped all over it. I can’t formulate an answer for this beautiful little boy because I don’t have one that will ever be good enough.

I look at Ashley and see tears streaming down her face.

“Let’s go, sweetheart. This man isn’t your daddy. You don’t have a daddy, but don’t worry. Mommy loves you enough for both a mommy and a daddy.”

And just like that, they disappear.

I wake up from that nightmare covered in sweat, shaking violently. I need to fix this. I need to get to Ashley. I can’t have that dream become my reality.

Chapter 4

Tanner

I look around as I try to catch my breath. It was a fucking dream. I keep telling myself that, hoping my heart will slow down. Drenched in sweat, I go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. I need to pull my shit together.

I check my phone and see I’ve missed a call from Davis. The Mathis Foundation wants to have a conference call to discuss my possible involvement. Davis says I’m the guy they really want, but they also have two other choices. They want to speak with all of us this weekend, and since today’s Saturday, they want to speak with me this morning so as not to disturb my prep for tomorrow’s game.

I’m not sure why I was worried about being passed over, but that feeling vanishes as soon as we start discussing the ideas I’d had when I’d been thinking about starting up my own foundation. I tell the board about my plan to give video game systems to the local group homes, and they eat it up. They even offer to have the foundation match my donations with items that go along with the gifts, like controllers and games. By the end of our phone call—which may have been a meeting or an interview, I’m not really sure—it’s obvious that I’m all for hopping aboard and being the front man for the foundation, and they are equally eager to have me.

Thinking about being the next Tony Mathis is enough to distract me from the jumbled mess of things in my head—until I get to practice. Saturday practices are always easy and laid back, more like hanging out than work, and I find myself wishing that Coach had come up with some new plays or something for me to memorize—anything to distract me from my thoughts of Ashley. I guess the only way I’m going to work through this mess is to talk to the only people in the world who will tell me the truth and still have my back: my parents.

After practice, I find myself in their driveway once more, sitting in my car, reminiscing about childhood memories again before getting out and heading up the porch stairs. When I reach the top, Ma appears in the doorway.

“I was wondering how long you were going to sit out here in the car, honey.”