Unsound: A Horizons Book (22 page)

“The kiss, I mean, that obviously bothered me,” Jeff started, “not just because of my status with Lena, but there’s obviously something going on with you. She told me last night that you didn’t look like yourself. You went somewhere else for a couple of minutes. And that’s fine, Jon.

“It’s fine if you’re not ready to discuss it with me or Lena yet. It takes a while to work through some walls; I’m not going to push you. My problem is that you scared her. She said you went from zero-to-ninety in ten seconds. She grew up around violence, as you know, she grew up with an abusive father–”

“Whoa!” I interrupted, my hands splayed in front of me, “I didn’t hurt her! I never raised a hand to her.”

“I know,” Jeff interceded, “I wasn’t saying that. She’s grown up around violence and said she’s never seen rage come over anyone that fast. She said it was a light switch. You were stunned and then you were so angry. How long have you been hiding that, Jon?”

I shrugged, “I can tamp it down easier now… since I’m sober. I can try to control it. But last night. I just wanted to punch something. I needed to get that anger out of me. I don’t… I don’t really know how to explain it.”

“Well I have an idea,” I looked back up at Jeff who grinned at me, “You’re lookin’ at the King of Rage Blackouts.” Jeff leaned back into his chair, both thumbs pointed at his chest. I snorted.

“So what’s that supposed to be? A threat not to kiss your girl again?” I asked with a smirk.

“No,” Jeff said with a laugh, “I learned to control it.

“I used on and off throughout high school, my attitude sucked, I was picking fights left and right with anyone and everyone. Teammates included. Eventually I was kicked off of school teams. There was a younger football coach, right out of college who was there when I got the cut. A few weeks later, he saw me waiting in the principal’s office. I had gotten into another fight.

“He sat next to me. Tried to shoot the shit, but I wasn’t having it. He told me that he got it, he got not wanting to talk. Then he gave me a business card, it was for his gym. A boxing gym. Told me when he usually worked out and told me to stop by if I wanted to get some aggression out. No talking. Just hitting.

“I eventually went to check it out. He taught me the basics, sparred with me, had me train on the bag. I went back sporadically. But I was still using, so you know how that goes. I would get back into boxing for a while, but it didn’t really stick until the last five or so years.

“Anyway, my point with this story is that you need something. Some type of outlet. Lena saw it—the rage. I think boxing will help. I want to start taking you with me. What do you think?”

I stared at Jeff for a moment, confused, “Is that my punishment?”

“If you want to think of it like that. I think that this is a starting point to battling those demons you have inside you. You have to learn to not let that anger control you.”

I nodded. I let that anger turn me into a monster. I didn’t mean to scare Lena; I would never hit a woman. At least I hoped that I would never.
What if I misjudged my throw? I could have hurt her, or someone else in the shed. I didn’t think—I just acted.

I always thought that I had a good handle on my anger, but I realized that I was wrong. My temper had been more volatile since my parents’ divorce. I always felt some responsibility for that. That’s another reason why my father couldn’t find out about my relationship with Claire. I couldn’t destroy both of his happily-ever-after’s. I would have to learn to control my emotions.

“You’re right. It’s not punishment,” I started slowly, “does this mean I’m going to get a proper punishment?”

Jeff laughed, “No. I don’t think it’s really fair to dole out a sentence for kissing my woman. I don’t blame you there,” Jeff joked, “I’m taking a different approach with you. I want to see some dedication though. Remember you’re here to heal.”

I nodded, “I haven’t forgotten.”

“Good,” Jeff said, “go get some breakfast. We’re leaving at eleven for your first training session.”

I groaned as I stood up but had a smile on my face. I felt good about this.

I felt even better when I slid next to Julie on the cafeteria bench and felt her thigh press against mine.

I was done for.

Chapter Six

Time doesn’t heal anything… It just teaches us to live with the pain.

Jonathan

The storm passed weeks ago—along with the heat. There was a chill in the air with the promise of autumn. Julie hadn’t really experienced season changes since so much of her life was spent in Southern California. She was excited for the leaves to start their turn from green, to red and orange, to brown.

“We used to take vacations in northern Cali. I remember going up when I was four, and five, and six… multiple times a year.”

She shared memories of skiing and playing outside with her sister, “Then my dad got sick and the colder climate was uncomfortable for him so we stopped going back. This may be my first autumn since then,” Julie was lying on her back in the moss of the woods, reminiscing.

I was on the other side of a tree, looking out into the woods. I loved that Julie was opening up to me. It was slow, but she did. She was learning to trust me with different sides of herself. It made me feel good.

Since the storm, we were inseparable. I wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted to always be around to hear her stories, to listen to her thoughts, to hear her jokes, followed by her silly giggle.

I didn’t like how far away she was on the other side of the tree, I wanted to touch her, “You’re not doing homework over there, are you?” I asked playfully.

“Are you?” she responded, always combative. That was something else I noticed about her. She was quick to answer a question with a question. Most of the time to take the heat off of her.

“Come find out,” I said, challenging her back.

She didn’t say anything, but I could hear the rustle of leaves on the ground as she got up. She came around the tree and looked down at me. I smiled and shifted my body so I could lie on my back. I reached up to her, pleading for her to lie on top of me. I wanted to feel her body on top of mine.

For as much as Julie acted like a badass, it made her nervous to break the rules. I could see her mind working. She didn’t know what would happen if Jeff came through the clearing and saw her lying on top of me. But then she looked down into my eyes, dark with lust as I stared back into hers. I knew she would cave, so I sat up to grab her hand and pulled her down with me.

I wasted no time claiming her mouth. I brushed my tongue against hers, letting my hands wander up her shirt. She eventually broke away from my kiss and rested her head on my chest. I didn’t hesitate to wrap my arms around her in an embrace.

I had never felt so peaceful and content.

I knew some of this peace was attributed to the boxing, but most of it had to do with the girl in my arms. She made me want things again. She made me want to get better, to be better.

“Jules,” I said quietly.

“Uh huh,” she responded. I could feel her eyelashes brushing against my t-shirt.

“Well,” I started, choosing my words, “I was thinking about… you. And maybe you would, I mean, I wish I could take you somewhere but it’s not like I can take you on a date here….”

“Huh?” Julie asked not lifting her head, “You lost me…”

“Okay, I’m just going to say it then. I want you to be my girlfriend,” the frustration at not finding the right words forced a harsh tone that I knew Julie wouldn’t like.

Julie pushed herself up to look at my face, her eyes were hard, “I don’t like being told what to do… that didn’t sound like a question,” she said. But I saw the smile pulling at the corner of her lips.

“It wasn’t really a question. I want you to be mine,” I responded candidly.

Julie narrowed her eyes and glared at me as she pushed herself up to sit on my torso. I started to think that maybe the idea of being claimed wasn’t one she liked.

“You’re never gonna make anything easy on me, are you,” I said with a laugh as I propped myself up on my elbows. Julie continued to scowl.

“Julie Thompson, will you be my girlfriend?” I conceded to Julie, looking deeply into her eyes.

At that, her smile broke and her entire face lit up. My breath caught in my chest. I pulled her back down and flipped us so she was on her back staring up at me with wide eyes. As I hovered over her, Julie’s gray eyes darkened. I claimed her mouth again, demanding access with my tongue. We kissed until we were both out of breath.

Finally, I got up, grabbed Julie’s hands to pull her up, and watched as she brushed dead leaves off her back and out of her hair.

“I hate it when you do that. Stare at me like that,” Julie commented without looking at me. She had a small smile on her lips that challenged her statement.

I pulled her back into my arms and kissed her on the forehead. We hugged and Julie ran her fingers through the back of my hair, sending a shiver down my spine as she pressed her body up against mine. I knew I had to meet Jeff to head over to the gym, but it was hard to break away from Julie. She was perfect.

Julie

As Jon sighed contently in my arms, the guilt crept back in. I knew so much about him, and I somehow managed to keep everything about myself at bay. He only knew the things that happened to me so long ago, I had already healed from them. There were so many truths he wasn’t even remotely aware of.

I had to let him in, but this moment felt too good. Letting him in might take all of this away.

What was I supposed to say to him anyway?
Oh by the way… I was brought here for being a hooker. I was caught after setting my crack den of an apartment on fire
. I already felt as though I missed the opportunity to tell him about my stepfather. It was too hard to rehash that anyway.

“What’s going on up here?” Jon asked, tapping my forehead lightly. I hadn’t noticed that he pulled back to stare at me. At a loss for words, I gave him a small smile and winked, turning on my heel to head back to campus.

“You’re gonna make me work for it, aren’t you?” Jon called after me.

“What fun would it be otherwise,” I threw over my shoulder. Jon shook his head but chuckled as he gathered the discarded books.

“So, do you know what next week is?” Jon asked when he caught up to me.

“The first week of October?” I deadpanned with a smirk.

“No, smart ass,” Jon said with a spank on my butt. He quickly moved out of my reach before I could slap him back, “It’s my one year anniversary.”

“Really?” I stopped and looked up at Jon, “good for you, Jon. Seriously, that’s so great.”

He shrugged. I took his hand, interlacing our fingers, and we continued the walk back to campus.

“What does that entail anyway?” I asked. I knew that anniversaries were rewarded here, but it wasn’t something that Jeff went over in depth upon arrival. Like so much here, it was different for every case.

“My dad is set to come visit, my mom wants to, but she likes to avoid him,” Jon said with another shrug.

“Does that mean your stepmom….”

“She’s not my step mom,” Jon cut me off, “Claire. She never became my stepmom. Just Claire. But no, she has to work that weekend luckily.”

“Work on the weekend? What is she? A bartender or something,” I said with a bitter laugh. I didn’t mean to throw an insult, but I loathed Claire.

“She was,” Jon said with little emotion, “she was a bartender at this restaurant… made her way up the food chain and now is one of the sales managers at the venue. She has weddings and other parties almost every weekend. Thankfully, this is a wedding season or some shit.”

I just nodded as we reached the end of the forest. I gave his hand a squeeze before dropping it and taking my books back. We walked to the main hall for lunch in silence.

JONATHAN

A few mornings later, I was on my way to the gym with Jeff. Jeff took me to his boxing gym four times a week now. I liked the discipline it took as I learned to fight, working my body, building the stamina for this new sport and learning to channel my anger so it wasn’t in the foreground all the time.

As much as I liked the sport, I was distracted with thoughts of Julie during my drive with Jeff. I didn’t hear him ask a question.

“Jon? You listening?” Jeff asked, slapping me across the chest.

“What?” I responded, shifting in my seat.

“I asked if you were pumped to be seeing your dad. He just emailed me earlier with his flight itinerary to let me know when he gets in.”

“Yeah! It’s going to be great. I haven’t seen him besides Skype,” I admitted. I really was excited to see my dad. I hated thinking of the last time I saw him.

I had just turned 16-years-old, strung out, doing badly in school and kicked off the football team. My dad tricked me into the little road trip. There were some discussions prior about me headed out to Boston to live with my mom for a while and my dad said we needed a bonding trip before that happened. ‘
Just the guys’
was how he sold it. With the constant guilt I felt over my relationship with Claire, I agreed. It never fazed me why we were taking a three-day drive up to Washington. I never once questioned it. My only concern was how to sneak a hit at the rest stops.

I thought I was being sneaky, but my father managed to stop me from drugging for the entire first day and a half, putting me on edge. Anger and resentment built at every failed attempt to get high. Not being able to tell my father why I was hurting so bad, from the guilt over Claire, I ended up trashing the hotel room we were staying in on the second night.

I was beside myself with anger, guilt, and physical pain from withdrawals. The desire and need to make that pain go away prompted the destruction of the room. It started with punching the wall a couple of times.

That helped, but only minimally.

So I threw the phone, ripped down the curtains, tore the pillows apart. At some point I made it into the bathroom and punched my reflection in the mirror. That was about the time management came in, and my father.

I heard him telling hotel management where he was bringing me, which only added to the anger. I tried to get loose from security and attack him. I cursed him off, told him what a bad dad he was. I told him I hated him. Eventually, the cops came to the hotel and arranged to bring me the rest of the way to the school.

Even through the rage and the pain in my body from being sober, I saw the disappointment and hurt in my father's eyes. I'll never forget that look.

Now, I wanted him to be proud of me again. Even if I could never admit the full truth to my dad, I wanted him to see the progress I'd made in a year.

"Thanks again, Jeff," I said quietly as we pulled up to the gym.

"What for?" Jeff responded, putting the truck in park and turning the ignition off.

"Everything, man," I said quietly as I let myself out of the car. I didn't want to go all sentimental on the guy, but I did want him to know how much I appreciated him pushing me back in the right direction.

Once we stored our gym bags in the locker room, Jeff helped wrap my hands and sat on the side to watch me work some aggression out with the trainer.

Jeff had mentioned how he boxed on and off for years. Now that I was in it, I could understand why he always came back. He fought semi-professionally for a while, but told me that it had been a bad idea. The party scene and the female fans dragged him back down. I knew that he was content where he was now, but I wondered if he thought about his life if he hadn't slipped back into drugs, if he continued to box and fight as a career.

I think he saw me as his second chance at that dream. I picked the sport up pretty fast. If I kept at it, I think I could be pretty good. It felt good to have goals again.

* * *

It was the following Friday afternoon. Now with classes and therapy done for the week, I finally waited for my dad on the front steps. Julie was next to me; leaning back on her elbows, face up towards the sky, appreciating a day of sunshine.

I was excited for my dad to meet her. I knew he was going to love her. There was no way not too.

"You nervous?" she asked, eyes still closed, face still soaking up the rays.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" I asked, "You're the one meeting my dad."

Julie just smirked, "parents love me," then she sat up and looked at me, "at least the dad's always do."

I laughed and pulled her into my side, tickling her, "Oh, so you think you can flirt your way into my dad's good graces?"

Julie just laughed, unable to talk while I assaulted her with tickles.

Julie

I had never seen Jon so cheerful and playful. Sure, we goofed around occasionally, but this was a different side of my boyfriend. I realized that my grin matched his. In the distance, we heard a car turning up the long drive and I knew it must be Jon’s father. Suddenly I felt some nerves filter through my system.

Those quickly dissipated the second Mike Scott exited his rental car with a huge, warm, friendly smile on his face.

Jon’s father was a large man, six-foot-five and pushing 275 pounds. He played college ball but got injured during NFL tryouts. This was part of the reason he pushed Jon into football so young. It was one true connection and a natural talent they shared.