Unsound: A Horizons Book (34 page)

“Yeah,” I said with another yawn, “what time is it? I wonder what Lena is up to.”

“We should probably go figure out what we’re supposed to do and where we have to go,” Julie said, moving towards the door. I reluctantly got up to follow and find Lena.

 Julie

The next morning, I woke up early. I slept with Mindy and quietly slipped out of bed so I didn’t wake her this time. I needed to go on a run.

Lena was sitting in the kitchen with Aunt Prue and Uncle Henry.

“Good morning, sweetie,” Aunt Prue greeted me.

“Mindy still sleeping?” Lena asked.

“Yeah,” I responded, “I couldn’t sleep anymore. I was going to on a run. What time do we have to leave?”

“About 9:30,” Henry piped up from behind his paper. He was a no fuss man and there was just something about him that I liked immensely.

“Have a good run, sweetie,” Aunt Prudence said, “I’ll have breakfast ready when you get back.”

“Thank you,” I said with a smile, and left the house.

I had grown used to the forest and the serene quiet. It was weird running on concrete, passing cars and houses and fellow morning runners. I ignored it all and wondered about what the day would be like.

After her catatonic breakdown, Mindy hadn’t had a response about her parents. I knew they had been pretty terrible. I could relate. But I didn’t know how I would feel if I was suddenly orphaned. I hated my mother and hadn’t talked to her since Parents’ Weekend, not that we had spoken before that, but I don’t know how I would feel if she died too. Losing my father had almost been the end of the world. But both parents at the same time? I couldn’t imagine loss like that.

I wondered if Mindy would react. I wondered when and how. But I knew, that eventually, she was going to have to deal with it.

We were staying in Virginia through the weekend and part of the following week. Although the funeral was taking place in a couple of hours, there was a lot of follow up for Mindy to get through. Her Aunt and Uncle were working on the process of becoming her legal guardians. They were going to take care of selling the house and moving Mindy’s belongings to their home in South Carolina.

She was going to stay at Horizons until she was ready to leave or graduate and head off to college. Whichever came first.

After the funeral, we were all pitching in to pack up the house, deciding what to keep and what to sell with it. I knew it was a lot for Mindy, and I was glad her aunt and uncle were so willing to help. If she didn’t have them, this would have been a much different trip and Lena would have been doing a lot more work.

With all of the discussions and planning, Mindy just accepted it all and went along with it. It was bizarre. I didn’t know if she was being stoic or just wasn’t affected. What I did know, was that my mind was finally clear and completely off Jon. This allowed me to focus on something else and I was grateful. I couldn’t think about Jon or my shitty mother or my past anymore. I had to look forward. I had to think about getting passed all of the pain and healing.

I finished five miles by the time I got back to the house. As promised, breakfast was ready, and Mindy was awake and eating with everyone—ready to get this day over with.

Mindy

I felt… nothing.  Looking down into the grave had no effect on me. I was empty. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I wasn’t able to feel anything. I simply didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be… home.

I mean, anyplace would have been better than in that graveyard looking down at a plot, knowing I was an orphan, and feeling nothing about it. But, I wasn’t wishing that I was lying poolside in the Bahamas. I just wanted to be in the common room, next to Jason, listening to everyone make fun of him while he told his theories on how public sex should be an acceptable practice.

Looking around at grieving faces made me… well, sick. I resented them standing around out of respect. Respect? This man? This raging alcoholic who not only took his life behind the wheel but my mother as well. And my mother wasn't exactly innocent. She's the idiot who let him behave this way. The imbecilic moron who was just as drunk and high as he was all the time. In that respect, they were the perfect couple.

This was bullshit. They were horrible individuals. Why were these people sitting around mourning them? Was my father really that good of a liar? These people loved him. Thought he was the life of the party; thought he had a great family. They all thought I was at boarding school for goodness sake. They had no idea what the truth was. That I had been sent away against my will. Because I had practiced self control to save my life. Of course they didn't know about that, they didn't know the truth.

I felt a hand gently touch mine, I looked up to see Julie. She wasn’t looking at me, so I looked back at my hands. I realized I had been digging my nails into my palms when I saw the specks of blood. She must have noticed as well and took hold of mine so I would stop.

I suppose I looked the part of a mourning child and that was what mattered. I was holding my best friends hand, completely decked out in black. We had raided my closet the night before and had an all-black fashion show. It was actually great to laugh with Julie and forget about everything around us. We both dressed that morning in my clothes.

I used to feel better dressed like this. I thought I would feel like my old self, but I realized I didn't want to feel that way. When I dressed like this, I had been scared and alone and so sad. I was different now.

I knew it was terrible but there was just a sense of calm surrounding me. My parents were gone. The monsters couldn’t hurt me again. I went back and forth feeling relieved and calm to feeling guilty and terrible for feeling relieved and calm.

The priest was finishing up and I knew my uncle was going to say something about his brother. He admitted to us last night that he was having trouble finding the words. He was so angry with my dad. He almost couldn’t believe the truth of what my father was like, but he had had enough run in’s with him to know it was all true.

I’m not sure why Uncle Henry and Aunt Prue never had kids, but they seemed really happy about getting custody of me. I was happy too. I loved their home in South Carolina. It was a home. It wasn’t modern, cold and stark. It was classic and homey and warm. I knew it wasn’t ever going to be my home, Horizons was home now, but it was nice knowing it was there.

There were just a few more hours and then this charade could end. I could put it all behind me and forget about all these people and all the bullshit. Just a few more hours and a new chapter would begin to write itself.

Jason

I couldn't believe I was in Jeff's truck with Michelle headed out to see this place. We dropped Jon off at the gym for a long workout and Jeff told him we'd be back in two hours since this place was a good 45-minute drive from Horizons. It was only 20 minutes from the community college though so I could see why Horizons wasn't doable as a commuter. If we were ever given the option.

Michelle was so excited that she was writing a list of questions for Marianne in the passenger seat. I was just happy for a distraction. Campus seemed lonely with Mindy. If she hadn't been gone, I would have reneged my offer to go with Michelle. The whole idea of this place really didn't do it for me. I could see it wasn't sitting well with Jeff either.

"You seem tense there chief. What gives?" I asked leaning between the two front seats to get a better look at Jeff's face.

Jeff shrugged with an indistinguishable few words.

"Pardon?" I asked.

"Oh, Jeff just doesn't like this place. Or Marianne I think. He doesn't like us going to see the house," Michelle said. There was a lilt in her voice that made me think she was enjoying goading Jeff.

"Why? What's the deal?"

"Don't worry about it," Jeff said.

"No, no. You don't get to brush it off. We're on the verge of adulthood here. Lena said so," I pushed.

"Ugh, yeah," Jeff slipped.

"Ah! You don't wanna go against wifey. Come on, Jeff. It's gossip time," I continued, "you know just how long this car rides gonna be. And there's always the car ride back. And then once we get Jon in here. You have him to bug you too."

"You're annoying," Jeff said with a sigh.

"I'm right!" I declared.

"I just. I was going to sit down with you guys when you turned 18. I want you to know your options. I just thought maybe we'd work on scholarships and forming or something. I don't know. I lived in a halfway house once. I know the kind of people that live there."

"You really don't think we can handle some former addicts, Jeff!" Michelle said incredulously "you know what you do for a living, right?"

"Michelle, I specifically keep horizons as a teenage only establishment. There's reasons for that. We're also located where we are because it's excluded. We also have strict policies and can't let anyone commute because of those policies. You guys are safe with me. At a halfway house, there's people coming and going. There's a lot less monitoring. And you're going to be living with adults."

"I've known you, Michelle, since you were fourteen. Jason, you were just sixteen**. You were both still young enough to not be completely hardened by the world. The people in these houses range from 18 and up. When I was there I shared a room with a 50-year-old man.

"Do you know what a 50-year-old recovering addict is like? Mean. Unpredictable. Hardened against the world and constantly looking for someone young and vulnerable and naive to take advantage of.

"You know what the ones are like in their twenties who only recently went through detox for the first time? Wreckless. Still not willing to accept that this is their life. They're the ones who sneak in drugs and break curfew and....

"I almost think you'd be better off in a college dorm, where the only thing you have to worry about is your roommate coming home drunk. That may even help you see what you don't want to do."

Jeff was silent for a moment and let his words sink in. I looked over at Michelle. Her eyes were steal. Jeff didn't realize but he strengthened her resolve. She was more determined than ever to prove him wrong, move into that house and do well.

I had to give it to her, it was impressive to have such a strong mentality. I knew that Jeff didn't not believe in her, or even me, he was just protective. I didn't think a halfway house was for me, but I could understand the appeal for Michelle.

Michelle was in a different place than me though. Once she met Evan, she saw the light at the end of the tunnel. She knew she had to get out so it made sense for her to grasp at the first straw that came her way. I might not know what was in my future, but I knew it included Mindy. And that was a start.

I decided to start thinking up some kind of goal, some kind of plan. I could think about my future too. Now that I knew I had options, I could actually allow myself to dream for the first time ever.

*  *  *

We drove to the community college first since it was further away. We picked up some pamphlets and class schedules along with some course guides. It was kind of cool. Everyone was doing their own thing, going in all different directions, in charge of their lives. It was definitely time for me to take charge of my own life. Now I sat in the truck with Jeff, waiting for Michelle.

Michelle was finishing up some paperwork. "Just to have on file." According to Marianne.

"How'd you feel about it in there?" Jeff asked. I was in the backseat again so Michelle could sit shotgun, but Jeff lowered the rear view mirror to look at me. I shrugged.

"I said it before and not its confirmed. Not my thing. It doesn't feel right to me. If I'm gonna do this thing on my own, I'd rather be in an apartment. Working, going to school. Making my way but making sure it's all my terms. I don't want to be in another place that isn't my home living with someone else's rules.

"I'm glad you're thinking about it jay. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you guys about this earlier. It was selfish of me and I shouldn't have done that. I think Michelle is ready to do this though. "

"If it's any consolation, I'm not ready to do this. You got me for a while Jeffrey."

"No, you're more ready to move on than you think Jason. You can probably go at the same time as Michelle," Jeff said. My head had been resting back ok the seat, eyes closed. But once Jeff said that, my head popped up and my eyes snapped open to look at Jeff's in the mirror.

"Jeff, one thing I can assure you, is that I'm not leaving until Mindy does. I'll start thinking about it and get serious about my SAT’s and shit. But that's all I'm promising. I'm not leaving here now. Not when she's all alone in the world." I paused for a best and looked down at my hands.

"God I sound like a pussy," I said, ending my outburst.

"No, you sound like a man. I'm telling you, you are more ready than you think," Jeff commented, "but I understand.

"I haven't talked to her, only Lena. How's she holding up?"

"Too well," I admitted. I didn't know how to feel about Mindy's actions and reactions to what just happened to her. She lost both her parents and never cried. I wasn't judging. But it worried me. Then she forced herself on me. And I loved every second of it. I just kept waiting for the moment on the phone. The moment after a long pause where she said, jay. I think we made a mistake. Or worse, jay, I think I'm gonna stay on the east coast.