“Somehow, I survived. Some days, I wish I hadn’t.”
Those words have stuck with me and affected me most.
I want him to be happy. I want to be the one to make him happy.
He’s so quietly strong about everything that happened to him. He calls me strong, but he’s the one who is. He’s so brave.
Knowing all this has made me realize just what he truly means to me. It’s put everything into perspective.
I knew I cared about Kas. I just didn’t realize the extent.
I’m falling for him.
Listening to him this morning, finding out what had happened to him…I ached for him. I felt every pain that he felt. And I wanted to kill those bastards with my bare hands for what they had done to him…to her.
The depths of the way it wrecked me wasn’t just empathy for another human being. It’s because I’m falling for this beautiful, broken, complex man.
That is why I find myself taking the train to Westcott at six thirty p.m.
I just need to see him. Talk to him.
Exiting the train at my stop, I walk the twenty minutes to the Matis Estate.
And then I’m standing outside the gates before I know it.
I key in the code on the keypad, and as soon as the gates part, I slip between them and walk up the long driveway to the house.
When I reach the house, I see that Kas’s car is parked out front, so I know for sure that he’s home. I don’t know what I was planning to do if he wasn’t. Probably wait here until he showed up.
I walk up to the front door and knock. Then, I wait.
It’s not long before I hear his footsteps approaching, and the door swings open.
“Daisy.” He doesn’t look surprised to see me.
As far as I know, they don’t have cameras on the Matis Estate, so he couldn’t have seen me coming.
Weird
.
“Hi.” I smile tentatively.
He’s dressed in black lounge pants and a white T-shirt. His feet are bare.
He looks beautiful. Tired but beautiful.
My beautiful, broken man.
He stands aside to let me in and closes the door once I’m inside.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asks softly.
“Coffee would be great.”
Kas heads off to the kitchen. I take my shoes off and hang my coat up before following after him.
When I get there, he’s making our coffees. I lean my hip against the center island, watching him move around the kitchen.
He walks toward me with a cup in each hand and hands one to me.
“Thanks.” I smile.
“Do you want to sit in the lounge?” he asks.
“Sure.”
I follow him through to the lounge in silence.
There’s a clear discomfort between us, for obvious reasons. I just hope that I can clear that away and put us back on a good path. Hopefully, together.
Kas sits down on the two-seater at the far side of the room. He places himself in the center of the sofa.
I get the distinct impression that he doesn’t want me sitting next to him. So, I take a seat on the sofa opposite him.
He leans forward. Elbows on knees, cup cradled in both hands, he looks at me.
Leaning over, I put my cup on the coffee table that sits between us.
“I’m sorry to just turn up,” I start. “But I wanted to talk to you, and I didn’t want to do it over the phone.”
“It’s fine.” He reaches over and puts his cup down on the coffee table without taking a drink. “Look, Daisy, I know you came here to talk, but there’s something I want to get off my chest first.”
“Okay…” I say hesitantly, biting my lip.
“Well, this morning, I didn’t get to say this, but I am sorry for turning up drunk at your place last night.”
“Kas, it’s fine.” I offer a smile. “It was my turn to take care of drunk you anyway.” I’m trying to lighten the mood, referring back to my drunken state when he took care of me, but it clearly doesn’t work, as his expression remains stoic.
He pulls his eyes from my face and stares down at his hands, which are now clasped tightly together. “I also want to say that I’m sorry for leaving you at Superhumans. It was wrong of me to just abandon you like I did.”
“You hardly abandoned me. And you were upset. It was understandable.”
“That might be, but it doesn’t make it okay.”
“Kas, it’s fine. Honestly, I was fine.”
His eyes lift back to mine. “But you might not have been, and I know that better than anyone. I left you alone and crying on an industrial estate. I just fucking drove away and left you. Anything could’ve happened to you.”
“But it didn’t,” I say softly. “I’m fine. I was at your building. Nothing was going to happen to me.”
He nods, but I can see that he’s not going to forgive himself for that. And I understand why he thinks the way he does. After what happened to him, I don’t think I’d be able to leave the house, let alone allowing people I care about to move about the world alone.
“How did you get home?” he asks quietly.
“Cece came and picked me up.”
“God.” He laughs a humorless sound. “I bet she thinks I’m a real fucking winner. Stranding you alone on our date and then showing up drunk at your apartment.”
I frown at his dressing-down of himself. “Cece doesn’t think badly of you, Kas.”
Black eyes flash to mine. I see the panic in them.
“She knows what happened to me?”
“No.” I vehemently shake my head. “I might be a snoop, but I would never tell anyone else what you told me. It’s your story to tell…not mine. All Cece knows is that I crossed a line, and I upset you.”
He nods his head in acceptance of what I said.
“Kas, can I ask…or should I assume that no one else here knows?”
He shakes his head. “After it happened and I was released from the hospital and came back home, it was…hard for me. My parents made the decision to move out of London and start fresh. My dad had a really good job; it paid him well. He and my mum were never big spenders, so they had a lot in savings. They sold the house in London, and it left them with a substantial amount of money. So, they bought this place. They wanted me to be somewhere I could feel safe…or where they wouldn’t worry about my safety.”
“Your parents sound really great.” I give him a gentle smile.
“Yeah, they are. What happened affected them, too. My mother won’t go into London anymore…” He trails off. “It’s only been recently that they’ve started going over to Greece for extended periods of time without me. Even though they both call me every day to check in.” Shaking his head, he laughs lightly.
“I’m glad you have them,” I tell him.
He stares at me, and for a moment, I get lost in his gaze.
“So, um…I came here to talk…well, tell you some things.” I shift to the edge of the sofa, curling my hands around the cushion. “Firstly, just to get it out of the way, I didn’t come in to work today, as I thought you might need some time and space. And, honestly, I needed to process everything.”
“I don’t care about work, Daisy.”
“Well, I do. And I want you to know, I’ll make the time up this weekend.”
Knowing what I have to say next, my mouth is suddenly very dry, so I pick my coffee up and take a sip.
He’s still watching me when I put the cup down.
My heart starts to beat a hard tune in my chest. I hold my hands together in my lap. “But, work aside, that wasn’t why I came to see you. I just wanted to tell you that…well, no, not tell you.”
I’m rambling. Stop rambling, Daisy
. “I want you to
know
what you mean to me. And I, um…well…”
I’m twisting my hands in my lap. I lick my dry lips and take a fortifying breath.
“I…care about you.”
I’m falling for you
. “And I wanted you to know that.”
And, clearly, I’m too chickenshit to tell you that I’m falling for you.
“And I know I broke your trust, prying into your life like I did, and I am beyond sorry for that. And I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me…and that I want to be with you…more than anything.”
He’s not speaking. He’s just staring at me, expressionless.
And my heart sinks. “Okay…well, I guess I should go.” I shoot to my feet and start walking quickly to the door.
“Wait.”
Stupid hope makes my heart pause.
I turn back to him. He’s standing now.
“I don’t want you to go,” he whispers.
“You don’t?”
“No.”
My body trembles as I watch him slowly walk toward me.
My heart is trying its best to climb out of my throat.
I nervously swallow down.
Kas stops in front of me and cups my face in his hands.
His scent surrounds me. His breath blowing gently on my skin.
“Daisy…I haven’t felt anything for a long time. I was dead inside. I guess, to a large degree, I still am. But that moment you came into my life, it was like…taking a breath for the first time in seven years.” He presses his forehead to mine, closing his eyes. “I didn’t want to feel anything for you, so I fought my feelings and pushed you away, but all the pushing and fighting didn’t change the fact that I wanted you more than I’d ever wanted anyone.” Looking at me, he inhales softly. “I…I care about you, too. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I press my hands to his chest, and he inhales sharply. Almost like my touch has burned him. And I know how he feels because my whole body is burning for him.
“It’s selfish, and I know I don’t deserve you…but I want you so fucking much.”
“Kas…” I whisper, closing my eyes. “I want you, too. So much.”
He takes a shallow breath. I feel his face leave mine.
I blink open my eyes and stare up at him. The look in his eyes causes me to pause. My pulse starts to thrum.
“There’s something you need to know.”
“Okay…” I say, my voice betraying my nerves.
“Daisy, after what happened that night…I wasn’t able to…” His eyes slide away from mine. Looking past me, he takes a deep breath. “I haven’t been with a woman in over seven years.”
Oh. Wow.
“Haley was the last person I…” He lets his words drift. “After that night, what they did to Haley…what I saw…it haunted me. I was screwed up for a long time. And I had issues…with the scarring on my body. I still do. But, as the years have gone on and with the help of therapy…well, for a few years now, it’s not that I don’t want to have sex. It’s more that I’ve wanted it to be with someone who mattered, and no one has mattered…until you.”
I matter.
My heart fills with joy.
Moving a hand from his chest, I press it to his cheek. I stare into his eyes. “We don’t have to have sex, Kas. We can take this as slow as you need to. So long as we’re together, that’s all I care about.”
His dark eyes bore into mine. “But that’s just it. I don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve already waited so fucking long for you, Daisy. I want you now—tonight.” He pulls me closer, gently brushing his lips over mine. “Spend the night with me.”
Th
irty-One
“Yes.”
It’s one simple word, but saying it means everything is about to change between Kas and me.
And it’s what I want. More than anything.
But sex has always been a big thing for me. I’ve never been the type to sleep around, and I haven’t slept with many people. Two, to be exact.
And, obviously, sex is a big deal for Kas, which makes it a bigger deal for me.
He hasn’t had sex in seven years, and the last person he slept with was Haley. I’m close to two years with no sex.
Christ, it’s like we’re both virgins.
No pressure there then.
Nerves twist in my stomach. But they’re quickly erased when Kas smiles against my lips before kissing me harder, his tongue gliding over my lips, seeking entrance. I part my lips, letting him in, and his tongue sweeps over mine, making me shiver.
His large hands go to my bum. Cupping it, he lifts me, like I weigh nothing. I like the way that makes me feel. I wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck.
He kisses a path over my cheek. “I want you in my bed,” he whispers in my ear.
“Yes.”
Then, we’re moving. He’s carrying me from the lounge to his bedroom upstairs.
It’s dark when we enter his bedroom. He gently puts me to my feet in the middle of his room, and he walks over and turns on the lamp on his nightstand. It illuminates a soft glow around the room.
His eyes don’t leave mine as he walks toward me.
My body starts to tremble with nerves and need.
Reaching me, he takes my face in his hands and stares down at me. “I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you, Daisy.”
An involuntary shiver runs through me. I know he feels it because his mouth kicks up at the corner.
He runs his thumb over my lips, his eyes following the movement. Then, he puts his mouth where his thumb just was and kisses me.
It’s deep and wet and dirty, and it is the hottest kiss I’ve ever had in my life.
My hands wind into his hair as his hands roam my body, like he doesn’t know which part of me to touch first.
His blatant need for me makes me feel sexy and confident.
Breaking from our kiss, I step back from him.
Lustful, hazy eyes stare back at me.
Lifting the hem of my top, I pull it over my head, leaving me in my white bra. Not very sexy, but then I wasn’t expecting to have sex tonight.
Heat flares in those dark eyes of his. So clearly, he appreciates the sight. But he doesn’t make a move to touch me.
He’s turned on though. His erection is visible behind the thin material of his pants.
That bolsters my confidence to keep going.
Bringing my eyes back to his face, I drag my teeth over my lip. Then, I unbutton my jeans and pull the zipper down. The sound is loud in our breathy silence. I hook my thumbs into the waistband and shimmy them down over my hips until they hit the floor.
And then I’m standing before him in just my bra and knickers.
My body is vibrating with excitement and nerves.
From the exercise I do, I know I’m physically in good shape, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling trepidation over what Kas thinks about me…about my body.
I kick my jeans aside and glance down.