Until Angels Close My Eyes (7 page)

“H
elp you find Eli? What makes you think I can do that?” Ethan’s request had taken Leah totally by surprise.

“You are English. You know the English world. I thought that you might know about such things.”

“But I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

Ethan’s face fell. “I am sorry. I did not know who else to ask.”

Leah’s heart went out to him. “Oh, Ethan, don’t be sorry. I want to help you. I just don’t know if I can. I mean, you’ve told me that Eli dropped out of sight years ago. He could be anywhere.”

Ethan had confided in her the previous summer about his older brother Eli. Amish kids often quit school to help in their homes and on their farms, but Eli had wanted more education. He had attended high school, and he had won a college scholarship. Against his family’s wishes, and against Amish traditions, he had left home to pursue his dreams. His leaving had forced a permanent wedge between him and his family. It had also left Ethan, who had been only ten at the time, with Eli’s responsibilities. To this day, no one spoke Eli’s name. To his family, it was as if Eli were dead.

“I cannot stop thinking about him.” Ethan’s voice sounded tormented. “I see him in my dreams—the way he was the last time I saw him. I wonder what he’s doing and if he’s happy. I think of how he never even knew Rebekah.”

Rebekah had been born after Eli had left home. Now it was too late for them to know each other. Leah said, “Last summer, you acted as if you accepted your father’s decision about Eli. What changed your mind?”

“I have been troubled about many things.” Ethan shook his head sadly. “This does not seem right to me. Eli was not even a member of the church. He was never shunned, and yet he is as lost to me as Rebekah.”

The Amish custom of shunning was reserved for noncompliant church members, but, according to Ethan, Eli had never been baptized, so his ejection from the Longacre household was purely the result of their father’s unwillingness to allow him the freedom to be his own person.

Leah warned, “Your father won’t like your contacting Eli, you know.”

“I would not tell him.”

“But how could you keep such a secret?”

Ethan shrugged. “I do not know. I only want to see my brother again. I do not want to think about why I should not.”

Leah chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. “I really don’t know how to start searching for him. But I’ll bet Neil could help. He knows everything.”

The fire of hope leaped into Ethan’s eyes. “Would he do such a thing? He does not even know me.”

“He’s never met you, that’s true. But Neil would help if I asked him.” Neil had been feeling good since Thanksgiving, and this type of project might be one he would be willing to take on—or at least be willing to advise her and Ethan about.

Ethan looked relieved and grateful. “Thank you, Leah. I will not forget your kindness. This has been on my mind for days, and I could not keep it inside any longer.”

“No problem,” Leah said, her teeth chattering. “I’m glad you told me.”

Ethan slid open the glass door and a blast of heated, smoky air rushed out at them. Leah wasn’t sure what was worse—freezing on the balcony or suffocating in the apartment. She stepped inside and immediately saw Jonah. He was leaning against a wall, smoking, holding a beer can and watching the dancing couples with brooding, heavy-lidded eyes.

When he caught sight of Ethan and Leah, he shoved away from the wall and sauntered over. “Hello, Leah,” he said without warmth.

“Back to you,” she said with more cheeriness than she felt.

“I’ll get us sodas,” Ethan said, and made his way toward the kitchen.

Alone with Jonah, Leah wasn’t sure what to say. Jonah had never been happy about her friendship with Ethan. “Looks like this is the place to come for Amish or English,” she said, trying to sound friendly.

Jonah shrugged. “My friends know they can come here whenever they like.”

“And do whatever they want?”

“Yes, until the police show up. Or until the elders ban everyone from being friends with me.” He sounded bitter.

“I went to see Charity yesterday,” Leah said, offering the name like bait. She watched Jonah’s expression harden.

“She is a silly girl—not person enough to think for herself.”

“She’s lonely and confused,” Leah corrected. “And for reasons I can’t begin to figure out, she cares about you.”

Jonah took a long swig of his beer. “Well, I no longer care for her.”

“Too bad. She misses you.”

Jonah turned and brought his face close to Leah’s. “Do not involve yourself, English. You do not know what it means to be separate.”

“Separate” was how the Amish referred to themselves. They kept themselves separated from the rest of the world, following the Bible’s mandate to be in the world but not of the world. Leah felt a surge of anger because Jonah had no idea where she was coming from. If he thought Amishness made a person separate, he should try having cancer. Now,
that
was separation. Leah squared her jaw. “You don’t look very separate to me, Jonah. You look just like some kids I used to know in Dallas. All they did was drink and party, too. What’s so separate about that?”

Jonah straightened. “If you do not like my party, Leah, then leave.” He jiggled his beer can. “Empty.” He crushed it in his fist. “I need a refill.”

Leah watched him swagger away and felt pity for him. Jonah was caught between two ways of life. He had a foot in both, but he seemed stuck, unable to make up his mind where he wanted to stand. It scared
her that Ethan might get caught in the same web of confusion.

As the week dwindled, Leah and Ethan became inseparable. Kathy’s mother even invited him for dinner one night, and later Leah heard Kathy’s mother tell Kathy, “What a nice boy. You should date a boy like him.”

Leah heard Kathy say, “He’s Amish, Mother. How many of them mingle with us in the first place?”

“Amish! I’ll bet his parents are fit to be tied.”

“Leah knows what she’s doing,” Kathy said. “She’s not an idiot.”

Leah was glad that Kathy had defended her, but she wasn’t so sure about Kathy’s conclusion. Maybe she
was
an idiot. Loving Ethan was risky. What could really ever become of it? And now that he’d asked her to help locate Eli, she felt a greater turmoil. She didn’t want to let him down.

The thought of returning to school, to boring classes, was even less appealing. She could not get Neil’s or her own health problems off her mind. What if Neil had a
relapse? What if
she
had one? How could her mother handle both of them being sick? How could Leah turn to Ethan for support when he was hundreds of miles away? And if he lived with Jonah, would he turn into a Jonah clone? Leah could hardly stand to think about any of it.

Ethan took Leah to their favorite pizza parlor after they’d spent the afternoon ice skating. The parlor had Happy New Year banners hanging along the walls, reminding Leah that she had only two days left before she’d have to return home. She thought of Neil and her mother on their way to Detroit for the upcoming round of holiday parties with Neil’s old friends.

She and Ethan both were in low moods as they nibbled halfheartedly on the food. “I don’t want you to leave,” Ethan said.

“And I don’t want to leave,” Leah confessed.

“Then don’t.”

She gave a mirthless laugh. “Where would I stay? In my car?”

He stared morosely out the window. “What can we do, Leah?”

Suddenly she sat up straighter. Like a bolt of lightning, an idea struck her. “You know what, Ethan? I just had the craziest idea. I can’t stay here, but you can come home with me. Why don’t you?”

E
than asked, “Go home with you? What do you mean?”

“Just what I said. Why should you stay here? You told me you wanted to get a job. Why not get one where I live? A job’s a job.” Leah’s excitement mounted as she tossed out possibilities.

“Where would I live?”

“With me—us,” she corrected. “Me, Mom and Neil. The house is huge. Why, there’s a whole other house in the basement—bedroom, bath, family room. We never even go down there. Mom hates basements.” Leah waved her hand dismissively.
“We have the space, and you could live in it.”

“My father would not allow—”

“You’re eighteen, aren’t you?” Leah interrupted him. He’d had his eighteenth birthday in October. “When you’re eighteen, you don’t need your father’s permission. You can just leave.”

“That is what Eli did.” Ethan looked concerned. “It hurt Pa deeply.”

“And that’s another thing. If you want to find Eli, it will be easier if we look for him together. No telling where he is or how hard it’s going to be to find him. But this way you can get the information more quickly because you’ll be right there when Neil gets it. You won’t lose days waiting for my letters.”

Leah could tell that Ethan was pondering her suggestion. Having him close by her again was just what she’d dreamed about all these long months.

“What will your mother say?” Ethan asked.

Leah knew it would be a tough sell, but if Ethan was already there, it would be
harder for her mother and Neil to say no. “Look, Ethan, let me worry about my family.”

“I don’t know, Leah.” His brow puckered.

She suddenly remembered Neil’s barn full of antique autos. Perhaps Ethan could help Neil maintain them. “Neil can’t handle even simple chores around the house anymore. Maybe you could help out. There’s lots of stuff for you to do.”

Ethan nodded slowly. “Yes. I would have to help somehow.”

“I’ll be in school all day. And once you get a job, you’ll be working, so it’s not like we’d be in each other’s way or anything. We’ll be apart but still together.” Leah shot him a broad smile.

“And if we cannot find Eli?”

“Don’t give up before we even start,” Leah chided.

Ethan leaned back in his chair, hooking his hands behind his head. He stared out the window for a long time. Leah’s heart thudded. She knew he did nothing in haste. But the more she considered her plan, the more sense it made. They could search for
Eli without the frustration of distance between them. And she could have Ethan in her world. She had lived among the Amish. Now it was Ethan’s turn to live among the English.

“When would we leave?” Ethan asked quietly.

Leah licked her dry lips. “The sooner, the better, I think. I have to start school the day after New Year’s, and you need to get settled in. You know, adjusted.” She didn’t add that she really wanted to get home before her mom and Neil returned from Detroit. If Ethan was already moved in by the time they returned, it would be harder to throw him out. It was urgent that she get to her mother first thing, before she had time to blow a fuse.

“I want to go with you, Leah.”

Ethan’s simple acceptance startled her. She had expected more resistance. “Well. Okay then. You’ll drive home with me. If we leave tomorrow, we can spend New Year’s Eve at the house. We can watch the ball drop on TV.”

He looked puzzled. “What ball?”

While she was growing up, Leah had
sometimes stayed up until midnight to watch the Times Square crowds in New York welcome in the New Year. Of course, Ethan didn’t know about the yearly ritual. “I’ll tell you about it on the drive home.”

Ethan stood. “Come.”

“Where to?”

“To go tell my parents.”

Leah felt a jolt as reality hit. “Ethan, I don’t know if you should tell them.”

“I cannot just sneak away.”

“But they may get angry and try to stop you. Maybe you could just write them after you get home with me.”

“I cannot. I must tell them to their faces. And you must go with me.”

She swallowed hard. “I could wait in the car. Keep the motor running.”

He gave her a little smile. “No, Leah. You must be by my side. And you must tell them of your offer of a place to stay.”

“But not about Eli?”

“No. That will be our secret.”

Nervously Leah stood. “Are you sure you want to go tell them right now?”

“They are together tonight. It is best to go now.”

With her heart thudding like thunder in her ears, Leah followed Ethan out into the cold, dark night.