Until Fountain Bridge: (InterMix) (4 page)

When the room began to feel too hot, I ordered a bottle of water from the bar and slipped out of the back of the room and found an exit. It was the fire door that led out to the back of the hotel where all the rubbish bins were stored. I stepped outside quietly, sucking in a huge gulp of air and enjoying the peace. It could give me a moment to wrap my head around what had happened—and if what I thought had happened had actually happened.

I felt a giddy smile start to stretch my lips when a grunt followed by a moan made me freeze. The large bins were situated between me and an alcove of the building, and the sounds were coming from there. My heart picked up a little bit as I guessed what the sounds meant and what I’d stumbled upon. When another grunt sounded, I covered my mouth with my hand to keep in the giggle that was threatening to erupt.

“Yes,” a female voice groaned. “Adam, oh, my God.”

The giggle instantly died as blood rushed in my ears. I felt a burn in the bottom of my throat as some dark, masochistic thing inside of me made me tiptoe around the bins.

All the hope I’d been feeling exploded and disintegrated all around me.

As I watched Adam screw one of the female catering staff against a brick wall, I realized what an idiot I was. What a childish, naive idiot.

And then the anger settled in. And the frustration. And the thought that somehow I wasn’t good enough—not good enough for Adam; not good enough for my father.

My eyes narrowed. There was one person who thought I was good enough, so what was I holding out for? For flowers and sonnets and a man on bended knee? That wasn’t going to happen. This was reality. Sex was sex. There was nothing magical about it.

Clearly.

I wasn’t naturally an angry person, but the burn of jealousy coursed through my veins and I turned silently back to the hotel. As soon as I was inside, the image of Adam moving against the catering girl kept flashing before my eyes. I felt sick. Chugging back more water, I made a decision. I needed to wipe that image out of my brain.

I found Clark talking to his brother in the ballroom. Thankfully, Mum wasn’t anywhere to be seen, because what I was going to ask she’d probably not be happy about.

“Els, what do you want to do with all these presents?” He asked, pointing to a table that had been set up at the back.

“Can I ask you and Mum a big favor?”

He smirked, guessing what that favor was. “You want us to take the presents back home for you?”

“My friends and I want to go onto a club, if that’s okay.”

Clark studied me for a moment and then sighed. “Go on before your mum sees you. And be careful.”

I nodded and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Leaving him to it, I pushed my way through the crowd on the dance floor and found Liam and Allie dancing together. I pulled Liam off to the side and threw Allie an apologetic smile.

“What’s up?” he asked, giving my hip a squeeze.

I looked into his eyes, feeling my stomach flip as I said meaningfully, “Let’s go.”

His body tensed and his eyebrows drew together. “Just me and you?”

“Yeah.”

“Where do you want to go?”

I pressed close to him, making my intentions very clear. “Where do you want to take me?”

Liam’s breathing stuttered. He seemed to swallow hard. “I could get us a room.”

“Okay.”

We left quickly, slipping away from the party before Mum or Braden could see. My nerves kicked in as we made our way through the hotel to the reception desk, and I fought hard not to throw up as Liam booked us a room.

Every inch of me was trembling as the lift took us up to the first floor, and as soon as we were inside the room and Liam started kissing me, he could feel me shaking against him.

“Are you sure about this?” he whispered.

The image I was unsuccessfully trying to bleach from my brain flashed before me again. I wanted tingles and excited butterflies, I wanted flushed skin and passion. I wanted trust and safety, I wanted affection and laughter. I wanted loyalty and friendship. I wanted love.

Unfortunately, life had played a cruel joke on me and I’d fallen in love with the one person in the whole world I couldn’t have.

Just because I couldn’t have him, however, didn’t mean I shouldn’t live. None of my friends were virgins anymore. What was it really but a nuisance? It used to be a gift. Or at least I liked romanticize that it was a gift. I supposed what it really used to be was a mark of ownership, but this was the 21st century. No one owned me. My virginity was something I could give to whomever I pleased.

“Yeah,” I whispered back, reaching up to unknot the halter tie on my dress. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Thankfully, Liam took his time. He made me come before he put on a condom and pushed inside of me so I was as ready as I could be. Still, it hurt. After a while, the pain diminished and it felt okay. Liam enjoyed himself. He tried to hold off until I came again, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stop thinking over and over again as he moved inside me that I’d well and truly buggered everything up for myself.

I’d promised myself since I was fourteen years old that the first time I made love, I’d be in love.

Instead I was lying in some hotel room while a guy I merely liked, casually took the gift I offered, and I casually let him. I felt a heaviness settle on my stomach when Liam was finished.

I stayed awake listening to him snore beside me and cursed at myself for letting anger and jealousy get the better of me.

***

I lay there for a couple of hours and eventually decided I couldn’t stand to stay in the hotel room. Just past four in the morning, I snuck out of there and had the concierge call me a taxi. The woman at the reception desk took one look at my mad hair and revealing dress and knew exactly what I’d been up to. The smirk she gave me made me feel cheap, and I realized quickly that the only reason I felt cheap was because
I
thought I’d acted cheap.

I tried not to cry as the taxi took me home, and I definitely tried not to cry as I quietly let myself inside. I was just creeping toward the staircase when a head popped out of the kitchen and startled me completely. I took a deep breath and clutched a hand to my chest in fright.

Adam stood in the kitchen doorway and crooked a finger at me. It wasn’t a surprise that he was in mum’s kitchen. He and Braden often crashed at my parents’ after a family night out because Clark made a huge breakfast in the morning as part of a hangover cure. What
was
a surprise was to see Adam still awake and waiting up for me. As I approached him, I saw that image again of him and catering girl and the anger returned.

I followed him into the kitchen and he closed the door behind me. I studied his face and saw his eyes were bloodshot. The smell of coffee filled the air and I noticed a grilled-cheese sandwich sitting on a plate. He was obviously getting a jumpstart on the hangover cure. I was so busy analyzing these things that I didn’t notice
his
anger.

“Where the hell have you been?” he hissed at me.

I glowered at him, momentarily blaming him for the loss of my virginity. “Out.”

“Where?”

“Just out.”

He narrowed his eyes. “With who?”

“Liam.”

Adam’s face instantly darkened and he took a step toward me, his eyes moving over my messy hair and then focusing on my mouth. They stuck there until I touched my lips, wondering what was so fascinating about them. “What were you doing?” he finally asked, his voice gruff.

And that’s the point in the interrogation that I lost my temper. “I’m eighteen, Adam. I can have sex with my boyfriend.”

His body jerked, like I’d shot him. “Sex?” he choked out.

I shrugged as if my heart wasn’t hammering against my ribcage. “It was a present to myself.”

His eyes roamed over me again. “Are you telling me . . . you lost your virginity last night?”

I nodded slowly, hearing an edge in his voice that I was a little bit afraid of.

Adam’s eyes narrowed after taking in my confirmation. I stood there squirming as he drank me in from head to foot. I flushed at his appraisal, not quite sure what was happening. And then he made it clearer by turning on his heel and pushing the kitchen door open. Without thinking of anyone who was still sleeping, Adam stormed out of the house and let the front door slam shut behind him.

I exhaled deeply as I began to figure out what was going on.

Adam thought of himself as my big brother. No big brother wanted to hear that their little sister had “gotten herself some.” More than that, I wondered if he was as disappointed in me as I was in myself. He knew me. He knew I believed in stars and sunsets and “happily ever afters.” I’d compromised my own beliefs by having casual sex with a guy I barely knew.

Then tears came, and I ran to my room with blurry vision. I grabbed some fresh underwear and pajamas and took them into the bathroom with me. For half an hour, I remained in the shower, crying the entire time.

At least I’d learned a huge lesson
, I told myself.

I’d learned there were some things in life you could never take back.

Chapter 4

Adam put down the diary and looked up at me with something like regret in his eyes. I didn’t want him to feel badly, I just wanted him to know that even if my first time hadn’t been with him, I’d always wanted it to be.

“Baby, I’m sorry,” he whispered.

I frowned and shook my head. “Don’t. That’s not what . . . I just wanted you to know that it’s always been you.”

“But your first time should have been special, Els. It should have been romantic.”

I shrugged. “In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the worst thing that happened. Dad—”

“Douglas died a few days after your birthday,” Adam murmured, finishing my sentence.

“Yeah,” I whispered back, remembering how mixed up I’d been over my father’s death. I’d grieved, but I couldn’t figure out if I was mourning the
idea
of a dad or if I was mourning Douglas Carmichael. To make matters worse, he left me a boatload of money and it took me a while to come to terms with how that made me feel. And I struggled, for a time, with the thought that he died while I was mad at him.

Adam slid across the hardwood floor, put his arm around me, and hugged me close. “Ellie, I thought you stopped feeling guilty about that. He was a shit dad. You had a right to be angry at him no matter what happened.”

I nodded and snuggled closer to Adam, inhaling the scent of him and his aftershave. He smelled good. He always smelled good.

We sat in silence for a while until Adam said, “I barely remembered what I did with that catering girl, just so you know. And I had no idea I said that to you at your party—calling you beautiful and telling you I worried all the time about you. Fucking mixed signals. I was pretty drunk that night.”

“I know. But you were right about Liam. He ended up cheating on me with Allie.”

Adam tensed. “That’s why you stopped talking to Allie? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you would have beaten the shit out of him.”

“True.”

I smiled. “Always fighting my battles for me.”

“
With you
, baby. With you, not for you.”

Liking that a lot, I turned my head and kissed him, loving the familiar press of his mouth against mine. I pulled back and cocked my head in thought. “I thought the year you started to see me differently was the one
after
my eighteenth.”

“The one after?” Adam’s eyebrows drew together in thought for a minute and then instantly relaxed as he remembered. “The
almost
kiss.”

While he’d been reading about the night of my eighteenth birthday, I’d found the entry I’d expected him to allude to as to the moment he started to see me as more than Braden’s little sister. I held another diary out to him and he took it with a smile as the memories flooded back to him.

Friday, July 5th

Tonight I had my first truly grown-up, sophisticated and, well, HOT, date. I’m just not sure who I had it with . . .

As Christian helped me out of the taxi, I had to wonder if this was going to be “it.” Christian was handsome, charming, a total gentleman—and he had class. He had yet to make me laugh, but I was sure that would come as we became more comfortable with each other.

He smiled at me again as I pushed the hem of my black dress back down. It had shimmied up while I was sitting in the car. “You look stunning.”

I flushed. When he looked at me like that I
felt
stunning. I was wearing a plain black sleeveless dress that should have been somewhat modest, considering its high neckline and mid-thigh hemline. However, the dress hugged every inch of my body leaving little to the imagination. It was a sophisticated dress with a splash of “hot.”

I’d bought it earlier that day, specifically for Christian.

We’d met in the student union. Christian was pre-law, two years older than me, and from an obviously wealthy and well-to-do family. They had an estate in the highlands. That had nothing to do with what attracted me to him, of course. I was attracted to him and how he’d acted upon our first meeting—with a fresh and open honesty that really appealed to me. It made me feel like I could be just as open with him. It made me feel like I could be myself.

Christian had told me that although his family had the estate, they also had a home in Corstorphine, a busy suburb west of the city. His parents had bought it when his sister had moved to Edinburgh and started popping out children. She was pregnant with her third and the entire family was living in Edinburgh to be closer to her. I thought that spoke volumes about them, and was more than a little excited to meet them.

To my delight, Christian had booked us a table at La Cour for our first date. I didn’t even get a chance to tell him it was Braden’s restaurant. He inherited it from our father.

As we entered, I opened my mouth to tell him, but Christian started speaking about the menu and what he thought I should order. I was going to tell him I knew what I wanted to order, since I’d eaten at La Cour more times than I could count, when I heard Adam call my name.

Christian and I drew to a halt as the maître d’ led us to our table, and I turned my head to see Adam sitting in the center of the restaurant across a small table from a gorgeous brunette. I ignored the flare of jealousy and reminded myself I was on a date with a fabulous man, and that the gorgeous brunette was just one of many sexual partners for Adam. He was a manwhore.

But he was
my
manwhore, and I couldn’t help but walk over to him, with Christian at my side and a huge smile on my face, because as always, I was delighted to see him.

Adam grinned up at me, his smile dimming slightly as his gaze flickered to my date. He gave Christian a once over and then turned those beautiful eyes of his back on me. He perused me with a slight smile and when his eyes hit mine they were full of tenderness. “You look absolutely stunning, Els.”

I didn’t just flush at his compliment, I absolutely burned. “Thank you,” I murmured and then gave his date a polite smile. “Hullo.”

She glared at me.

Oh, well.

“Adam, this is Christian.”

Adam gave Christian a taut nod and then flicked his hand to his date. “This is Megan.”

“It’s Meagan,” she corrected him waspishly, pronouncing it like “mee-gan” instead of “meh-gan.”

I saw Adam stifle a long-suffering sigh. Uh-oh. His night obviously wasn’t going well.

“We better get to our table.” Christian gently pulled on my elbow.

I gave Adam another smile. “Enjoy you’re evening.”

“You, too, sweetheart.” I moved to follow Christian but had only taken a step to walk away when I felt a tug on the hem of my dress. I glanced down and watched Adam pull off the price tag. I blushed as he winked at me.

I closed my eyes briefly. I’d left the price tag on. I was always doing stuff like that. God, I hoped Christian hadn’t seen it. Opening my eyes I deliberately ignored Adam’s date and mouthed a heartfelt “thank you.” He grinned at me and I smothered a laugh at myself before catching up with Christian at our table across the room.

“Who was that?” Christian asked casually as we were seated.

“My brother’s best friend,” I replied equally casually. “We grew up together.”

Christian nodded and then ordered us white wine. I preferred red.

We chatted as we waited for the waiter to return, and Christian told me all about a charity he was organizing. He stopped talking when the waiter came back and he began to order my food for me. Choosing to think this was charming rather than overbearing, I informed him this was my brother’s restaurant and that I knew what I wanted. He was impressed that Braden owned La Cour and for five minutes I told him about Braden’s other businesses.

After that we were back onto Christian.

By the time the second course arrived, my hopes for this being “it” were diminishing rapidly. Not once did my date appear to take any real interest in me, and the more I realized how self-absorbed he was, the more aware I became of Adam sitting across the room from me. Adam, whose eyes glittered with interest every time I opened my mouth.

I had just picked up my fork to take a bite of my steak when a phone rang. Debussy.
Really?
Even his ringtone was pretentious.

Yes, by this point the shine had definitely worn off.

Christian pulled the phone out of his pocket and answered it, his eyes going wide. “I’ll be right there.” He put the phone back in his pocket and stood up.

I stared up at him in absolute shock.
Was he about to leave me? In the middle of a date?

“My sister just went into labor,” he explained, and I watched as he threw a wad of cash on the table. “Stay. Finish your meal.” He leaned down and pecked my cheek. “I’ll call you.” And then he was gone.

I couldn’t exactly hate him because he’d abandoned me on our first date to go be by his pregnant sister’s bedside. I slumped against my chair. Christian was obviously a good person. He just also happened to be incredibly self-involved. It occurred to me he’d been the same way at the student union last week, but I’d twisted it in my overly romantic little head and called it open and honest.

I looked at my food glumly.

A hand came down on the back of my chair and a shadow appeared above me. I glanced up to find Adam leaning over me with a scowl on his face.

“Where the fuck did he go?” he growled.

God, I loved him.

“His sister just went into labor.”

Adam relaxed, but didn’t move.

“I’m okay,” I promised him. I wasn’t okay. I wanted to cry. And he knew it.

He straightened up and called out to one of the waiters by name. “Can you move us to a larger table?”

“Of course, Mr. Sutherland.”

“Adam, no,” I protested. “I’m not crashing your date.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “You got all dressed up, sweetheart. At the very least, you’re going to get to finish your meal.”

Holding my hand, Adam led me to the new table and gave a jerk of his head to his date to tell her to come over to us. He sat next me as Meagan took the seat across from him, her green eyes flashing with annoyance.

“Ellie’s joining us,” Adam informed her, his tone brooking no argument

“Sorry,” I mumbled apologetically to her.

“Don’t apologize,” Adam replied firmly. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for.”

The waiters quickly brought over our plates, and as we dug in Adam asked me about Christian.

“Well.” I sighed after swallowing a piece of tender meat. “Up until forty minutes ago, I thought he was perfect. Forty minutes ago, I didn’t know he’d try to order my food for me or talk incessantly about himself.”

Adam grinned. “Was it about his hair? I bet he could get a good forty minutes out of how long it took him to get that quiff just right. What styling mousse he uses and why, the amount he uses in order to get just the right amount of height and curvature . . .”

I was giggling as he continued to tease me. It was true. Christian had a rather large quiff. Forty minutes ago, I’d thought it spoke of his individuality and style. Now, I was guessing Adam was right. The man probably spent more time on his hair than I did—and that was never a good thing.

Throughout the meal, Adam made me laugh until I forgot all about my ruined evening. It wasn’t until the waiter came to take our plates away and offer us the dessert menu that I remembered Meagan was even there. She reminded us by scraping her chair back and glaring at Adam. “I just remembered I have an early morning tomorrow. Thanks for dinner, Adam. I’ll see you around.”

Before Adam could say anything, she’d turned on her designer heels and stormed out of the restaurant.

I instantly felt terrible. Adam and I hadn’t included her in our conversation at all. It was such a shitty thing to do.

Adam must have recognized my guilty expression because he shook his head at me. “Don’t feel bad, sweetheart. She started complaining the moment I picked her up. If I was rude, it was only in retaliation.”

I gave him a sympathetic smile. “Looks like we saved each other from crappy dates.”

He grinned. “Looks like.” His eyes dropped to the menu. “Now, what are you having for dessert?”

“We don’t need to,” I told him quietly. “We could just pay up and I’ll go home and let you get on with your night.”

His eyes rose to meet mine and he gave me an “are you daft?” look. “Els, shut up and pick a dessert.”

I tried to hide my smile and lowered my eyes to the menu.

***

We stepped out into the warm summer night, and Adam took my arm and tucked it in his. “Where to next?”

I blinked in surprise. We’d finished our meal and I’d just assumed I’d be going home. “Um, where do you fancy?”

“The Voodoo Rooms is only a five-minute walk away. I know the bartenders, so we’ll get a table.”

I nodded, trying to stop my heart from taking off. Adam was taking me out for a drink. He’d never taken me out for a drink just the two of us before. Sometimes he, Braden, and I would meet up for a drink or two, but it was never just Adam and I.

As I walked down the street with him, arm in arm, I allowed myself the fantasy that we were a couple.
That’s what other people would see when they passed us.
My chest burned with utter longing.

Unrequited love wasn’t nearly as romantic as the books made it seem.

“Who don’t you know in this city?” I teased in an attempt to appear normal around him.

Adam grinned. “There are a few people I’ve yet to meet.”

I chuckled at that. Adam and Braden called Edinburgh “their city,” and they almost meant that literally. They had acquaintances everywhere, and whenever I was out with them, we spent half our time greeting people they knew. Some might say that Adam would never have had that kind of relationship with the city if he hadn’t grown up as Braden’s best friend.

Unlike us, Adam didn’t come from a well-off family. His mum and dad were ordinary folks who never really gave the impression that they’d wanted to be parents. Adam had been an accident. Although they’d never been neglectful or cruel, his parents had been distant, and he’d spent most of his childhood hanging out at Braden’s and bemoaning the summers when Braden was off in Europe with his mother.