Until I Met You (34 page)

“I won’t say it, Seth, but we can’t hide away from it.  It’s always there in my mind.  Drumming and drumming it in, until my head cries out with the pain.”  I took a deep breath.  I could feel myself losing it and I didn’t want Seth to witness that.  He was going through enough as it is without me breaking down.

Sensing my pain, Seth rushed towards me and stroked my cheek.  I immediately gave in to his touch.  Closing my eyes, I briefly let myself wander to a happy place.  A place where we weren’t bound by parents.  A place we could just be.

He leaned his forehead on mine, and I saw his eyes grip tight in frustration.  I knew I shouldn’t touch him, but I couldn’t help it.  I caressed his stubbled cheek and for a brief second I giggled inside remembering how much I loved to touch it.

Seth closed his eyes, but this time it’s more in relief at the feeling my touch.  He grabbed my hand and kissed it, just like the way he used to.  Always the perfect gentleman—just always perfect.

He leaned his mouth down towards my lips, and for a fleeting moment I forgot where I was, and why I was here. 

I gave in.  I let his soft lips linger on mine for the briefest of seconds.  Let the feel of having him close to me wash over me like I’m riding a glorious wave. 

But all too soon I remembered—all too soon that wave was threatening to drown me. 

I pulled away.  “We can’t, you know we can’t.  It’s not right.  We can’t be together—not like that anymore.”

Seth cupped my face in his hand and closed his eyes.  “But it hurts,” he complained.

“I know, Seth.  I know.  But we can’t.  You know it as well as I do.”

“I don’t think I can see you every day—be with you—knowing that I can’t touch you... I can’t kiss you like I used to.”

I knew what he was saying was true.  I knew because I felt exactly the same way, too.  There was only one way to deal with this situation.  Only one way to deal with the pain.

“Then we have to say goodbye.”

Sheer panic raced across his eyes. 
“No, please no, Angelina.  This is killing me, but knowing I can never see your face again is pure torture.”

“I can’t do this anymore
, Seth.  I can’t... please, you have to let me go.” 

He threw
his arms around me in a tight grip.  I didn’t want him to let go.  I didn’t want to live without him... but I had to get away.  We couldn’t go on like this anymore.

“Please, no.  Don’t do this to us.  Angelina, I can’t live without you.  I love you
, baby.  Please don’t do this.”

I tried releasing the tight arms now invading my waist.  I knew that if I didn’t get away I would break down.  I don’t cry
, and I haven’t cried since that horrible day.  I didn’t want that to change.  “Please let me go,” I said pulling at his arms.  He was sobbing now and it broke my heart to hear him in such agony.  My body wanted to hold him—wanted to comfort him—but my mind was screaming at me to get away.  My survival instincts were kicking in like never before.

“I can’t let you go.  Please Angelina, hold me.  You’re my angel. My life was nothing until I met you.”

A lump was forming and I knew if he said anymore, that would be it.  I’d be broken again.  “I have to go.  Please let me go.”

He gripped me tighter. 
“I can’t.”

I knew I had to think of something drastic—knew I had to think of good reason why he had to let go.  “You’re hurting me.” 

That was all it took.  He let go of me, shock in his watery eyes.  “I’m sorry.” 

For a fleeting moment, I stared at him and
he looked like a lost little boy.  His eyes were full of pain—full of sorrow.

“I can’t do this.  I have to go.” 

Right at that moment, I ran.  I ran as fast as my feet could carry me.  Luckily for me the lift was still at Seth’s floor, so I was able to quickly get away.  I punched the ground floor button about a million times before my legs would give way. 

I could still see Seth on the floor, fear burning a whole into my heart.  My mind was racing and my body wanted to give out.  The panic rising through me was palpable.  How could I get this one chance to love
, and that one chance has been ripped apart from me at the seams? 

I gripped onto my heart as the pain ripping through it was like nothing I had ever experienced.

The doors eventually opened and my feet were finding movement for me.  I ran and ran until I thought I couldn’t run any faster.  People were looking at me from all sides as I pushed past them in an endless panic.  I wanted to get home.  I needed to be away from all the noise, all the pressure of a hundred eyes bearing down upon me, witnessing my anguish as my soul was being ripped apart into little pieces.

I could see my door in the distance.  Only a few more metres now and I’ll be there, locked up away from the outside worl
d—from the torture that life had to offer.  I was almost there, virtually there, within arm’s reach, but I was nearly knocked off my feet by my silver-haired boss.

“Jesus, Angelina.  Are you
okay?”

The look in his eyes of pure concern was all it took.  I
collapsed in his arms. 

In that moment I felt it building—felt the burn rising in the back of my throat.  My eyes were stinging, and my stomach was crying out in agony.

It was then I realised.  I couldn’t hold on any longer.  There was no way I could possible keep it in.

With a grip of Jonathan’s coat, I let it all out. 
All these years I have kept the pain in, kept my heart away from the pain of being in love.  Now the pain was flooding.  The dam was broken and all the water was pouring out, almost drowning me in its path.  The agony was all too consuming.

Jonathan
wrapped his arms around me, letting me sob into his shoulder.  He held me tight, not once faltering.  He led me to my door and opened it for me.  Once inside by the stairs, he picked me up and carried me up towards my living room, and set me down on his lap.  He never spoke, never tried to pull away.  He just let me cry and cry until my body dried up of tears, and all that was left were little breathless sobs escaping my lips.

“Angelina, I’m so sorry.  I wish there was something that I could do.  I hate seeing you like this.”

I shook my head.  I was tired with it all.  “Why of all the people in the world, did I have to fall in love with him?  Why was I given this chance, only to have it torn away from me?” 

He set me down on the sofa and
quickly got up.  “I’ll be back in a sec.  I’ll get you a drink.  It should help a bit.” 

He walked towards the cabinets at the bottom of the kitchen and p
ulled out another bottle of rum—which I had replaced after that night with Shelly and Brad.  He pulled two glasses out and poured a very large helping each.  He placed the bottle down on the table, then went back to get the two glasses.

“Here, that should help a little.”

I took the glass from him and virtually downed the lot.  The feel of the first taste burnt my throat, but it was a welcome one.  Better then feeling the constant burning pain in my stomach.  That was excruciating.

“I know this is hard now
, sweetheart, but you will move on and find someone else.”

I shook
my head vehemently.  “No way.  If this had taught me anything, Jonathan, it was the fact I was always right to not let anyone in.  I was fine up until I met Seth, then he changed everything.  I’m not letting myself go back there again.  Ever.  My walls are up, and nothing will ever penetrate me again.  I refuse to live life like this.”

“Bu
t that’s exactly what it is, Angelina.  Life.  You can’t go through yours thinking that no one matters.  I know you better than that.  You knew how good it felt to love Seth, didn’t you?”  I nodded my head, feeling more tears sting my eyes.

“Well, how can you stop yourself from feeling that kind of pure emotion?  How can you deprive yourself of something that can be so wonderful?  You can have that, Angelina.  You deserve that—and one day, you will have it again.  Just with the right person next time.”

“But I found the right person,” I said shaking my head.

“Angelina, you and I know that’s not true.  Your parent’s have made sure of that.  Talking of which, have you spoken with your mother
yet?”

I shook
my head again.  “No, I don’t think I can at the moment.  She’s tried calling, but I just can’t speak with her so soon after having this bomb dropped from a hundred thousand feet above me.  I know I have to speak with her at some point. I just can’t do it now.”

“
Okay, but she is still your mother.”

“I know, I know.  I just need time.”  He pulled me into his arms and we stayed like that for a while just chatting.  He was a great source of comfort for me at the moment.  It made me wonder for a little while if Seth had that kind of comfort
, too.  It killed me to think that maybe he was at that big penthouse on his own, feeling just like I was feeling.  No matter what he is to me, I will always care.  That can never stop or change.

“Maybe I should go.  It’s getting late and I’m being a bad influence plying you with drink.”

He made a move to get up but I stopped him.  “Please don’t go, Jonathan.  I want you to stay.”  I looked into his deep brown eyes and I knew what I could see—a man conflicted.  I felt a slight panic and unease at making him feel this way.  I don’t know why I did it, but I leant in to kiss him.  He was receptive at first and it was warm and inviting—just like Seth. 

But he wasn’t Seth.

Horrified with myself, I pulled away.  “I’m so sorry,” I said, feeling the tears rise again.  I haven’t cried in years and yet tonight, they were on a free for all.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, making me feel ten times worse.  “I shouldn’t have let you… I know you’re hurting and it feels like I’m taking advantage.”

“But I’m the one that kissed you,” I said, shocked.

“Yes, but I didn’t stop it, you did.  I should have known better.  I think you know how much I like you, Angelina—that has never changed for me—but I know that we would never have a future together.  I think we both know that, no matter how much I don’t like it.”

“Why are you so sensible?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Jonathan chuckled. 
“Because that’s just me.  I don’t know.  Maybe one day I’ll say screw sensible.”

I didn’t know whether he meant with me
, or in general.  The insinuation was there, but I didn’t want to analyse it.  Not now.  I was hurting too much over Seth and now feeling incredibly guilty for kissing Jonathan.  My whole life seemed a mess.

“Listen, I can stay if you really want me to.  Just give me a blanket and I
’ll sleep on the sofa.”  He tugged me into his shoulder with a smile.

“
Okay, thank you, Jonathan.  You’re a true friend.  I really mean that.”

Jonathan slept on the sofa and it was a comfort knowing he was there.  In the morning we made breakfast together, but I knew Jonathan would have to go at some point.  I just didn’t relish the thought of me being on my own again.

It wasn’t long after he left that I heard the door knocking.  It must have been Jonathan as it was coming from my door upstairs, not downstairs.  I was right about one thing, but wasn’t expecting to see Seth right behind him.

“What the hell was he doing leaving your flat first thing in the morning?”

He was angry, but I could also see the hurt in his eyes.  They were just as r
ed and puffy as mine.  He sensed it of course, and his face quickly softened.

“H
ave you been crying?”  He rushed forward to be with me, but I backed away.  I couldn’t have him this close.  It would tear me apart.  The tears were already stinging my eyes again.

“Seth, this is not what it looks like.  Angelina was distraught wh
en I bumped into her last night—”

“Hold up a minute, he stayed the whole night?”  He clenched his fists together and I could see he was trying to stay under control.  He was a ticking time bomb.

“Seth, that’s enough!” I shouted.  I felt the tears burn now and I didn’t fight it.  I let them flow—what should I care anymore?

Seth looked at my tears and winced.  This was the first time he had ever seen me cry
, and it was harder than I thought to let him witness it. 

All of a sudden, I felt faint
.  The room seemed to be caving in on me.  “Jonathan stayed on the sofa—look, you can see the blanket and pillows still there.  I was a mess and he comforted me that’s all.  I… I…”

Everything seemed to happen at once.  Seth a
nd Jonathan were there, and were staring at my feet.  “Angel, you’re bleeding.”

I looked down, feeling
dizzier than ever.  I saw the blood, felt how strange it all was, and then my world turned black.