"I don't know. But I know that I want you to be certain. I want you to want to do this. I can wait—this all needs to be about what's best for you and Bailey. I'm happy with the pace we've had so far. For you to take the lead." Abel barely spoke above a whisper. "But, you know, I'd love to. Just to let you know," he added cheekily.
Nate licked a bead of sweat from his neck, tasting the acidity of his aftershave and the salt of his skin. He felt Abel physically shiver and wanted to climb up his enormous body. Everything
felt
right, but Nate wanted to be certain that he was doing the right thing, not just the thing that his body was yelling at him to do.
"I want to be sure that you realize how messed up everything is. How much crap you will land in if you choose to be with me," Nate said, opening his eyes to look into Abel's. The warm amber glow of the fire seemed to light his skin from within.
"I know it's only been like six months. And I know you want to be independent, and I know that you're hurt. But I know I will do everything to make this work. No bullshit. I won't lie. I won't cheat. I won't promise you anything that I can't deliver. I'll just make a life with you." Abel's voice quivered.
"That's easy to say, but..." The feeling of Abel's soft lips against his mouth cut off Nate's words. He felt like the ground had been pulled away from him and he was falling into Abel, clutching onto him the moment with all his strength. He had felt like this before with Joshua; the butterflies, the dizziness, the blind, unyielding hope, but this felt like more. It was the same but stronger, more forceful, almost blinding in its power. The kiss was delicious and smooth and overwhelming; waves of hormones and passion crashed into them. They had been quietly dating ever since Nate's first day at work, but it felt different now, like something had been unearthed.
Nate pulled back reluctantly and inhaled deeply, catching his breath, feeling the air catch in his throat, but he kept his hips moving to the music, gently pushing against Abel's frame.
Abel held his hand against Nate's cheek and they looked into each other's eyes. "I've never felt like that before," Abel sighed, wiping some beads of sweat from his hairline.
Nate slid his thumb under Abel's watchstrap and fingered the dark hair on his forearm. "I know, and that's what worries me. You
could
feel like this with someone else. Someone who doesn't come with whole boatload of baggage. And I could be alone for a while; I'm scared of disappearing into something and losing myself all over again." Nate felt the hair rise to attention on the intimate, sensitive skin of Abel's wrist.
"Do you think that has to happen in relationships?" Abel whispered, stepping even closer to Nate so that their chests touched.
"It did before and it was devastating. I'm only just getting to know myself, maybe for the first time ever. And you helped so much with that. I don't want to lose you by becoming some needy person," Nate replied.
"But in your second book you say that relationships can help you forge an identity. You know, 'finding yourself—with another.' "
"Don't quote me at me again. I want to do this with you. But I need you to still be my friend. I need you to stop me if you see me disappearing," Nate said, putting his arms around Abel's neck.
"I would never let you disappear. You couldn't anyway. You're too bright now."
Nate shivered. "Shall we go to bed?"
"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?"
"No." Nate kissed Abel's collarbone and then the thin skin above it.
"Are you sure?" Abel pushed.
"Yeah, but tell me something you're worried about. You're too calm."
"Okay. I'm worried that I'll never live up to Joshua. I'll never be the person who gave you what you wanted. I didn't whisk you away. Most of your history with him is good. Most of your history with me is awful. I'm worried that he will come back one day and you'll remember all the things that you had together and I'll have to come back here alone." Abel looked away.
Nate held his face in his hand and made Abel look at him. "That's not me," Nate said.
"It's not?" Abel asked.
"No."
Abel wrapped his arms around Nate and lifted him up so that he felt like he was floating. Nate folded his arms around Abel's neck.
"I should probably tell you that I've only done this with one person." Nate flushed, a strange mix of embarrassment and unease resting in the pit of his stomach. Like he was admitting something shameful and secret. "Is that all right?" Nate asked, his voice cautious.
"Everything about you is all right," Abel said insistently. Then he embraced Nate a little tighter and carried him to the bed.
The light in the bedroom was dimmed, casting Nate and Abel's shadows across the wood panel walls as they moved into each other.
*~*~*
The world came into hazy focus as Nate opened his eyes and wiped away sleepiness from his eyelids. He looked at the clock behind Abel's head and yawned himself into out-of-focus life. Abel reached out and pulled Nate to him, rubbing his cheek sleepily on the back of Nate's neck. Nate curved into Abel's warm body and inhaled deeply. The sharp hair that freckled Abel's jaw felt rough as it rubbed up against Nate's bare skin; scratchy but also familial and intimate, like they were taking part in a routine that they had established over years. It was comfortable and comforting, like a new terrain where the rules were simple and everything was right. Nate wrapped his hand over Abel's and placed them over his heart. The bed was warm and safe.
"Last night was amazing." Abel sighed, his warm breath tickling the skin of Nate's neck.
"I know."
"Are you always…?"
"Uh-huh." Nate grinned, spinning his body around so that his face was just centimeters away from Abel's. Nate took a moment to drink in the moment; the feel of the cloth duvet, the density of Abel's arms, the thrumming of his heart in his ears, the smell of sweat and passion and heat. He scanned Abel's perfect face, tracing his full lips and straight nose, watching as the sun from the window reflected on his smooth, lightly tanned skin. He looked like one of those cowboys on the front cover of a bad romance novel—all swaggering masculinity. Solid and attractive and caring.
"What are you thinking about?" Abel asked. Thin lines etched the sides of his mouth as he cracked a contented, peaceful smile. His teeth looked even brighter than they had the night before.
"Oh, just how ugly you are. I don't know how I thought you were even remotely handsome last night. I must have had too much wine."
Abel reached over and squeezed Nate tightly in an overwhelming bear hug, taking his breath away. "Well, you are the sexiest person I have ever seen," Abel rasped into Nate's ear. He shifted his weight so that he was lying on top of Nate, pinning him into the flesh of the soft mattress. "I almost turned around when I got to your door last night. You were looking at me so strangely, like you didn't want me there."
"If I tell you something incredibly embarrassing and awful, do you promise not to use it against me in the future? Like, no word of it. Nothing." Nate looked away to the wall, not wanting to hold Abel's eye contact.
"I promise, cross my heart and hope to die," Abel assured him. He moved his body so that was sitting upright, his butt resting on Nate's lower abdomen.
"Well," Nate began nervously, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "It had been pretty hectic getting Bailey ready..."
"And…?" Abel urged.
"And I opened the door and saw you and you looked so, umm, so good in those black jeans. And then I just got a little flustered. Like, umm, like I'd never seen someone look so good and I didn't know what to say." Nate buried his face into his pillow to hide his awkwardness and humiliation.
Abel slid his arms under Nate's shoulder blades and pulled him up towards him. They faced each other and Nate brushed his fingers along the muscles of Abel's stomach, then his oblique and his back. Abel kissed Nate softly. "You're such a dork. But I'll have to remember the jeans if they have that effect on you. You know you make me feel things that I have never felt before?"
"Nervous and agitated?" Nate quipped.
"No, like a real person."
"As opposed to what? A puppet?"
"
Ha ha
. No, I think I've spent my whole life waiting. Waiting for something to click, to make me feel like an actual human being, with all the feelings and sensations that people are supposed to feel. Waiting for life to change, or for myself to change. I know it's silly, but I always felt like I was a character in someone else's book." Abel's voice was matter-of-fact and dripping with honesty. He shrugged when he finished his sentence and his tight muscles tensed and eased.
"It's not silly. I get it," Nate said. He kissed Abel's chest, then his collar and his Adam's apple.
"This feel right. Right?" Abel asked, a little concern trembling in his words.
"Right." Nate smiled and kissed Abel's collarbone again. "But for now, do you have a spare sheet and some pillows?"
"Why?"
"I want to put them on the couch in the living room."
"Again with the why?"
"I don't want Bailey to know that I slept here. I'll tell him some things soon, but I don't want to confuse him. I want him to know things in my own time, when I have figured out what to say to him. How to make the whole situation at least a tiny little bit right." Nate came back to earth from his sexy heaven. As wonderful and important as their night together had been, he still had to think of Bailey's feelings above Abel's and his own. He rubbed the skin of Abel's back for a second, not wanting to make his statements sound like any kind of rejection. Nate's body felt heavy at the prospect of stepping out of bed and into the real world, but he also felt a little stronger, a little more supported.
"You're a really good dad," Abel offered, kissing Nate softly. "The sheets are in the wardrobe. I'll help you set everything up."
*~*~*
Bailey yawned widely, rubbed his eyes with balled-up little fists as he wondered into the kitchen area, and then hugged Nate's leg. "Morning, Dad."
"Morning, son," Nate said, a little too cheerfully, letting the joy of last night seep into his morning. He looked over at Abel and saw that he too was smiling at nothing in particular. The luster of the evening had definitely not gone out in either of their memories.
"What can I have for breakfast?" Bailey asked, nestling his thumb into his mouth.
"Well, not your thumb, that's for certain," Nate said, picking Bailey up and resting him on his hip.
"Yep, that's not a good idea, not enough fiber in your thumb," Abel added as he poured three glasses of orange juice. He opened a cupboard under the oven and pulled out five boxes of cereal. "Which one, then?"
Bailey's eyes grew like saucers as he surveyed the breakfast choices. "Chocolate Wheat Zeros!" Bailey clapped with excitement.
"When have you ever had Chocolate Wheat Zeros?" Nate asked, placing Bailey's little body on the kitchen counter.
"Never, because you make me eat boring, healthy cereals," Bailey complained. "I hate being healthy. It's the worst! Just let me have something nice one time, Dad. Just one time."
"Yeah, Nate, just one time," Abel added in a grating whine while he poured two bowls of cereal and added enough milk that went a deep chocolate color. "I'm guessing you don't want any?" he asked, pointing to Nate and sliding the bowl of chocolate sludge to Bailey sneakily.
"This is the only time, buddy," Nate warned Bailey, who was in the process of burying his face into his bowl. "No, I'm okay, thanks; I'm nervous enough about today without a sugar crash. Maybe some oatmeal?"
Abel made Nate some oatmeal and coffee, and the three of them sat at the table, chewing and slurping contentedly.
"How did you sleep. Bay?" Abel asked in between gulps of coffee.
"Very good, thank you. I like your house; you can hear the rain falling on the roof. Did you hear it?" Bailey lifted his breakfast bowl to his mouth and slurped the last traces of chocolate milk.
"It's very well, not 'very good'. No, I don't think I heard anything. But I was really tired," Nate said, looking away so as to not arouse any suspicions. He felt his face flush.
"Abel, did you hear the rain? It was so strange, like it helped me get to sleep or something. It was weird." Bailey shrugged, oblivious to the awkwardness that had circled the table. "I really like chocolate. I wish it didn't give you diabetes and obesity."
Nate looked inside his coffee mug and began to laugh; laughing hard and deeply from a corner of joy that had nestled itself inside of him. Abel joined in and then Bailey, even though he had no idea what was happening.
Heads Will Roll
Two weeks later
Abel's car rolled into the driveway of Nate's childhood home and came to a gentle stop. Bailey's quiet snoring filled the air, lulling everything into an easy, pleasant fatigue; after a long day, they all felt a happy kind of tiredness. Nate wanted to curl up in the moment and let all of his feelings wash over him and nourish him.
Nate was still apprehensive about the future, about having to be honest with Bailey and finally let go of his former life, but he also felt hopeful. He felt lighter and more open, like there was a crack inside of him that was letting a little light through. He yawned widely and snuggled into the car seat.
"I can't believe you have been at work four months and you've already been promoted," Abel said.
"What can I say? I just have a knack for getting kids into college and giving them emotional help… It makes sense to combine the roles," Nate replied.
"What are you smiling at?" Abel asked, looking at Nate.
"I didn't realize that I was. I'm just happy, I guess."
"About the promotion?"
"Yes, about the job and other things."
"Other things like what?"
"Like how the book is going, and you, and last night, and seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel a little bit like everything might be okay," Nate said wistfully, feeling like the air around him was pure and clean.