Until Today (10 page)

Chapter Seventeen

Sitting on the floor of the clubhouse, I raise my knees and look around, the cold from the wall seeping through my shirt.

Where did I have it last?

I stare at the milk crates where my journal should be. The loss of something so personal and important makes me feel hollow inside.

What's happened in here lately, other than my talk with Scott a few days ago?

I feel warmer when I think about Scott's support. We seem closer again, and I no longer feel like he's avoiding me. In fact, he's been checking on me two or three times a day to see how I'm doing.

I have the feeling I'm missing something. Scott sometimes seems on the verge of saying something and then stops.

To my surprise, I'm disappointed when he doesn't. What do I want him to say? The whole situation scares and excites me. I wish things were simpler right now. Will I ever be ready for anything else?

I stand up to grab my phone off the table when it rings.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it's me.”

I smile when I hear Scott's voice. “Hey, I was just thinking about you.” Scott doesn't reply. “Scott? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I'm here. Sorry, you caught me off guard. Good things, I hope?” His voice has a funny catch.

“Of course. You've been keeping me sane the last few days.”

“I've got a question for you, and don't say no without thinking about it.”

My stomach flip-flops in anticipation. Is he going to finally tell me what's been on his mind? “Okay, shoot.” I try to keep my voice light.

“Steph has been asking about you. She's been bugging me to ask you if she can come see you.”

I'm suddenly disappointed. What was I expecting? I should be happy that Steph wants to come and talk again.

“Uh…I don't know. She made it pretty clear what her priorities were the last time I saw her.”

“She broke up with Mike.”

“Oh.” Could there be a chance we could patch our friendship? “I don't know…probably…let me think about it.”

“Okay. Try to give her a break, Kat. She feels bad, and she's upset.”

“Okay, I'll see.”

“Are you in the clubhouse again?”

“Yeah, still no luck. I can't figure out where it could be.”

“I have to take off for a while. I'll come over and help later.”

“Thanks Scott. I'll see you soon.”

“Bye.”

I set the phone on the table, staring at the empty stack of milk crates.
I know I put it away the last time I wrote in it. Who could have found it? Could Sarah have stolen it? If that little—

“Hello, Kat.”

“Amy.…” Has Greg told her more lies? I fidget with my shaking hands, waiting for her to say something.

We stare at each other in silence for a few seconds before she drops a bag on the table. I stare, shocked when my journal slides out of it.

I snatch up the book, holding it against my chest. I feel the sting of betrayal. I love and trust Amy, and she took my journal. “How could you?” I stare at her, still clutching the book to my chest.

“I've been hearing such terrible things. I saw the book when the milk crates fell and I had to know. The things you wrote…are they true?” Amy stares at the journal wrapped in my arms.

I struggle with a storm of emotions. “Does it make any difference what I say?” I glare at Amy.

“No, I suppose it doesn't.” Amy shakes her head and begins to pace in the small space of the clubhouse. “How could this happen? I trusted…” Amy pauses and looks directly at me, then looks away again. She raises her voice enough to make me flinch with every word. “I trusted both of you. I did everything for you. You're the daughter I never had.” She turns quickly, grabs the journal from me, and throws it against the wall. I jump at the loud thud it makes when it lands beside me. I draw in my breath, smarting from her words. I don't think I could feel more pain if Amy had stabbed me with a knife.

“I guess there's nothing left to say then.” I turn away from her, unable to stand looking at the woman who spent more time with me over the last few years than my own mother and father. I can't make her understand. He's her husband, and she loves him. She blames me and why shouldn't she? It's just like he always said it would be.

“I'm sorry,” I whisper and start fighting back sobs. “I didn't want to…I didn't want to betray you…I'm so sorry.” I pick up the journal and shelter it in my arms, trying to breathe between sobs.
I'm going to lose everyone I love. I don't deserve their love.

“Kat—” I feel Amy's touch on my shoulder, but when I turn around she pulls away, as if burned, tears on her cheeks. My body jerks with sobs as Amy tilts her head to look at me.

“You're so young still,” she whispers.

Staring at the floor in shame, I hear Amy start to move away from me. There's a sudden pause in her movement and then a loud smack. I look up as she winds up for a second kick to the doorframe of the clubhouse. “How could he do this to me? How could he? I'm such a fool!” We both stand without saying a word for what seems like hours. The only sound is the intake of our breaths between sobs.

“Amy, I…”

She lifts her head and looks at me. I've never seen such devastation on anybody's face. She doesn't even look like Amy. She puts her hand out like a barrier, shaking her head.

“I don't want to hear it, Kat. I've read it, and I don't know what to say. I wasn't even going to come. At first, I was just going to ignore it. Stupid me, thinking it would just go away.” I hold my breath. She looks at me and shakes her head. “It won't go away, though. You're here and will always be here to remind me. Why did you have to be here to tempt him?” Her voice grows louder as she speaks the last few words.

Shame, anger, and hurt clog my throat, leaving me speechless and in shock.

Amy stares out of sightless eyes and begins speaking as if I'm not there. “I know I can't ignore it. How am I supposed to look at him, talk to him, or even look at you?” She kicks the doorframe again, this time with much less enthusiasm than the last few kicks. “I know…” Amy stops for a moment, sighing. “I'm probably not being fair to you right now, but this isn't fair to me, either.” Her last few words are barely a whisper.

“Amy, please let me…”

“No, Kat. I knew what I was doing when I came here but wouldn't admit it. Good-bye, Kat.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat, and clutch the journal even tighter to remind myself this is real, not a dream. Things are about to change forever.

“What…what do you mean?”

Amy's stance straightens slightly as a look of resignation floods her face. “I need to get away and think. I need some time. I can't face him – or you – right now.”

I'm suddenly consumed by a burning need to know if Greg was right or not. “Do you…do you believe me?” I whisper.

“I don't know,” Amy shakes her head. “Maybe that's not true. How can all of that be a lie?” Amy's voice catches as she looks at the journal. “If I accept this, it means he played me for a total fool.” Her voice rises with her anger again. She suddenly turns, fidgets with her finger, and throws her wedding ring onto the table. It bounces a few times with the force and lands in the corner where my name is carved. We both stare at it for a moment, and then Amy laughs bitterly. “He played all of us. And the things that happened in – well, they just don't seem possible.” We stare at each other, thick tension separating us. “It means I married a man who is still a stranger.” Amy clenches her fists and starts pacing again. “The man I read about in your journal isn't the one I know. What am I supposed to do?”

Amy's question hangs in the air. We both know there is no answer.

“Will you come back?” My heart hammers in my chest, waiting. I'm starting to feel faint and fight to stay on my feet. Why do I feel like the one responsible for her leaving? It's not all my fault!

“I don't know.” Amy wipes a tear from her cheek.

I catch a glimpse of something red out of the corner of my eye. It's Sarah's red coat, and she's standing just outside the door of the clubhouse. Tears run down her cheeks and her hand covers her mouth.

“No! You can't leave. Don't let Kat make you leave.”

I walk toward Sarah. “Sarah—”

“No! You stay away from me.” Sarah points at me, backing out the door. “You're making Amy leave.” She turns and runs toward the bush.

A dead weight settles inside me at the thought of never seeing Amy again and handling another episode with Dad because Sarah has disappeared for the second time in a week. Why did she have to show up now?

“Bye, Kat. If I see Sarah I'll talk to her. I just need to get out of here.”

“I'm sorry, Amy.” I'm not even sure if she hears my whisper at first, but then she pauses on her way to the door, and we stare at each other for a moment. It looks as if she is about to say something, but then she leaves.

I struggle to comprehend that I'm losing Amy.
Thanks to him!

She walks away from me, in the same direction Sarah disappeared into the bush. I sink to the floor, drawing my knees to my chest and cover my face with my hands. The journal falls beside me.

Amy was like a second mother, spending time with me, taking me places, and being here for me to confide in when I felt uncomfortable going to my own mother. Now she's gone.

If I were a stronger person, this wouldn't be happening. I would never have let him touch me.

I sit like this for a long time, my legs stiffening, but unable to move.

“Hello, Kitty Kat.”

I freeze at the sound of his voice.

Chapter Eighteen

I grip strands of my hair, fighting the urge to look at him. I can feel his cold eyes staring through me. I know he's probably standing there, arms crossed over his chest with a smirk on his face. Flames of impatience and anger usually spark in his eyes when his voice takes on this tone. I've seen that look a thousand times.

Did he see Amy leave? Is that why he's angry?

“Wh-what…do you want, Greg?” My hands are still covering my head, hiding me as if I were a frightened puppy. I struggle with the urge to scream at him.
Don't do it, Kat. He'd be furious. Just sit here and maybe he'll go away. Go away, Greg. Go away.
I rock back and forth in rhythm with the words going through my head.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, Kat. You know what I want and you haven't been cooperating.” Greg's voice slips into the soft, coaxing mode that he uses when he wants something.

Please just leave me alone. Leave.

His steps signal my doom as he approaches, and I'm nauseated by the familiar smell of his cologne. It's quiet except the sound of our heavy breathing. I peek under my arms and see him looking into the corner. Picking up Amy's ring up from the floor, he stares at it, turning it in his fingers.

I push up against the wall as much as I can and hide my head deeper within the shelter of my arms. His steps come closer, heavy and determined, and he touches my arm. My skin crawls and a lump lodges in my throat, choking any protests.

“Where's my wife?” Greg's voice is soft and soothing, as if coaxing a baby to sleep.

“I…I don't know.” I rock, trying to break contact with him.

His grip tightens, preventing my rocking. “Don't lie to me, Kitty Kat. You know I don't like that. What is her ring doing here?” His voice grows louder and angrier with every word.

Silence falls between us.

“I stopped to drop some papers off, but nobody answered the door. And now, I come down here and find this. Where's Amy, Kat? Tell me now!” He shakes my arm in frustration.

I remain silent, my head still on my knees, my fingers tangled in my hair, trying to keep my face down and hidden. I'm shaking like a leaf from the force of his anger.
Don't say anything. Don't say anything.

“What did you tell her?”

I jump and wince when he squeezes my arm hard and jerks it away from my head, causing me to pull out the strands of hair that were wrapped around my fingers. My heart pounds and my body tenses until my muscles burn.

Greg yanks me so violently to my feet that pain shoots all the way to my shoulder. He grips my chin and tips my head up to look at him. Power radiates from this towering, red-faced beast standing in front of me, dwarfing me. The cold clubhouse wall at my back has me trapped.

“N-n-n-nothing.”

He lets go of my chin and clenches my other arm to lift me so I dangle above the ground. “Don't lie to me,” he says, emphasizing each word. “You know what happens when you're disobedient, Kitty Kat.”

Please, no.
I shake uncontrollably.

Greg smirks, thinking he's won. “That's my girl. Now, tell me what you said to Amy.”

Resentment boils through my veins. I hate him. A red haze forms before my eyes. I hate his smirk. I hate his tone of voice. I hate his hands. I hate his power and his ability to control everything. My fists clench at my sides, itching to make contact with his face so I can scratch his eyes out.

Greg drops me, leaving me to struggle for balance.

“It doesn't matter. She's always going to take my word over yours. I'm the perfect husband; she'd have no reason to believe anything you'd say to her.”

Do I detect uncertainty in his voice?

“She
depends
on me and
needs
me.” Greg starts to sound more confident once again, as he slips the ring in his pocket. “I'll find Amy and fix whatever you told her. I'm always fixing your messes, Kat.” Greg touches my arms again, this time lightly rubbing his fingers up and down. I'm thankful for the cool weather and the bulky sweatshirt I'm wearing.

“Right now, I think you owe me an apology, Kitty Kat.” Greg's voice turns soft and husky. This is the voice I hate the most. This is the voice that haunts my dreams.

Greg moves his hand to caress my cheek. “Come on, I don't like to stay mad at you.” His hands are behind me, pressing up and down my body, pushing me closer to him. His breath on my cheek becomes heavier, sending waves of revulsion through me.

I look away, trying to find the courage to put an end to this, but I can feel myself regressing into the disobedient little girl inside, prepared to take my punishment.

My eyes dart around the clubhouse, searching for a focal point to distract myself from his hands. This was the only place I could come and escape from Greg – a place he'd never been in – until today. As if he hasn't stolen enough from me, now he's stolen my only haven.

I struggle to block his musky scent by studying the signatures on the wooden table. I spy my journal out of the corner of my eye, a blinding reminder of everything that this man has put me through.

Resentment flashes again. I remember Amy's tears and the horrible emptiness I felt when she said she would probably never return. And then there's Scott. He didn't blame me for this. He said he would stand by me and always be there – and I promised never to let Greg touch me again.

Scott trusted me and supported me, and I made him a promise. I made myself a promise!

I shiver when Greg lifts my shirt and touches my skin, exposing me to the cool air in the clubhouse.
Can I stop him?

“No, stop!” I push against Greg's chest. It's like trying to budge a mountain.

Greg ignores my plea and my shove. He's so arrogant and sure that he can control everyone in his life.

No more! He's not going to control me anymore!

With a burst of adrenaline, I draw in a huge breath and push at Greg's chest, knocking us both off balance. I scramble away from the wall, toward the door of the clubhouse.

Greg recovers quicker than I thought he would and grabs my arm.

“Come on, Kat…please.”

For once, I feel no guilt. I don't owe him a thing.

“No. I don't want you to touch me.”

“Okay, Kat. You're upset. It's okay. I even forgive you for whatever you told Amy. I know I can fix it for you.”

Shaking my head, I try to pull away, but he still has a hold on me.

“Come here.” Greg's voice is more firm now, but I continue to pull away. In desperation, I sink my fingernails into his arm.

“You little—” Greg explodes, his face turning red.

We both freeze when my dad shouts Greg's name. I can see Dad through the clubhouse door, standing on the lawn, shading his eyes from the sun.

For the very first time I can see a flicker of uncertainty in Greg's eyes.