"So why ask?"
"Because I want to know why it was me you phoned."
"Because my brother would have either taken the piss or gotten angry—"
"I got angry."
"Yes, but not at me."
"He would have been angry at you?"
"No. No, I don't think so. He would have been angry on my behalf, I think," I guessed, imagining Matthias's reaction to the incident when I told him.
"I'm angry on your behalf."
"Yes, but you're..."
"I'm what?"
"You're not family. I knew I'd have to see Matthias again."
Leo sucked in a breath through pursed lips. He stood back, shaking his head and the disapproval in his eyes damn near killed me. "That was cold, Holt. Real fucking cold."
"But... but... he's always around. And you're... not."
"So... let me get this straight. You asked for my help because you figured you wouldn't be seeing me again anyway, so fuck it, who cared how things went?"
And then I realized. It wasn't disapproval in his eyes.
It was disappointment.
No, not quite. Something else.
"No, it wasn't like that at all..." But my voice was quiet. Uncertain.
"Then..." His jaw clenched and he swallowed back whatever he'd been about to say. He inhaled slowly. Gave speech another attempt. "Did you ever wonder why I came into the diner that day?"
"I figured if you had a reason you'd tell me."
A quiet laugh. "Jesus, Piper, you don't make things easy for me, do you?"
"What else was I supposed to say?"
"Fuck." He stiffened, lifted his head, looked down at me and stroked the back of my neck, making it clear he wanted me to look him in the eye, so I did, but it was excruciating to do so. "Give me something here. Don't make me do all the work."
"What do you want me to do?"
"You love those loaded questions, don't you? I wanted to see you again. That's why I came into the diner. I had some free time and drove back after a meeting to see you."
"But you didn't know I'd be working that day. Why not just phone?"
"I wanted to see you, not speak to you on the fucking phone. Jesus, Piper; are you deliberately being obtuse?"
"No. I just don't..." Couldn't continue.
"Don't what?"
Don't want to hear you say it, because then I'll get used to it.
"You really don't realize what you're doing here? Wow, let's see... you practically admit you called me over your brother because you wouldn't have to see me again, so it didn't matter what happened. Didn't ask why I came in to see you at work, added to which you're acting like my touch is suddenly repellent after I went out of my way to come pick you up—"
"You said you didn't mind!"
"Would it have killed you to show a bit more gratitude?"
"Gratitude? Right, thank you for coming to my rescue. I—"
"Know what? On second thought, don't bother. If I have to extort a thank you, or any honesty out of you, it means fuck all." He lifted his hands away from my face, held them inches from my skin and glared at me, as if waiting for me to say something.
"Leo, I..."
His eyebrows lifted. Giving me nothing.
Which was, apparently, all that I'd given him.
"I called because..." Still nothing on his face but a blank stare, lit only by the occasional flash of anger in his eyes. "I needed..." Nothing, nothing, nothing. "I wanted someone to help me get my computer back, and as you'd recommended the shop, you were the first person I thought of, and... Christ, Leo, say something."
His lips pursed briefly and I couldn't take my eyes off them. From not wanting to look at him from being unable to tear my gaze away.
"I know," he said. "Not nice, is it?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"The truth would be a good start."
"That was the truth."
"So you called me for no other reason than the technicality of me being the one who put you in touch with Richard?"
"Yes."
"Absolutely no other reason? Because that's really rubbing it in, you know. And before you ask rubbing what in, let me tell you, to make it clear getting information out of me isn't like getting blood out of a stone. I'll be honest with you. No, I didn't realize Richard Taylor was such a sleazebag but have you ever considered that I might feel the tiniest bit guilty for putting you in that situation and yes, thank you for giving me the opportunity to redeem myself by getting you out of it. No, honestly, there's no need to show gratitude, I know, I know. I'm just the asshole who got you in trouble after trying to help you out. Don't worry about how bad I feel. I probably deserve it for making Princess Piper so fucking vulnerable."
"Oh." The sudden absence of contact when he pushed himself away from me and turned his back hurt. It hurt. Either way it sucked the oxygen out of my lungs and when he picked his jacket up from the arm of the settee my heart sank.
"Don't."
Pulling his jacket on, still with his back turned, he stopped, with one arm halfway through the sleeve and threw over his shoulder, "Don't what?"
Don't make me hate you. If you make me say what I'm thinking, I'll hate you for making me vulnerable.
"Don't go." I couldn't believe I'd said it. "At least, not like this. At least tell me what I've done."
He turned, slowly, shrugging into his jacket as he did so, and a line from a Christina Rossetti poem came to mind:
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
"You really want to know what you've 'done'? You want to know why I'm pissed off with you? Are you sure you can stand to hear it?"
"Tell me."
He cocked his head, shrugged. "Very well. I'm annoyed that you claim to have only called on me today because I'm not a family member therefore you wouldn't have to see me again. I mean, if my company is so repulsive or damned inconvenient, fair enough, but please, don't use me to get you out of a sticky situation and then dismiss me so easily. It would have been kinder all round if you had asked... Matthias, was it? I mean, sure, you would have had to have faced him again, but as a sibling, I'm sure he wouldn't have made too much of having seen his sister in a..." He frowned as he faltered, adjusting his jacket and staring into the middle distance. "My God, that's it." He focused on me again. A rueful smile played on his lips. "That's it, that's why you're being such a bitch."
Amazement kept me mute.
"You can't stand the fact I didn't just clear off as soon as you got your fucking computer back. You wanted my help and you wanted the guy who saw you vulnerable to fuck off instead of sticking around to remind you that you might need other people occasionally. I mean, Jesus, if that happened you might actually be obligated to give something in return. Good luck to your brother. Maybe he's spent the last quarter century learning how to put up with your bullshit but I really can't be bothered. Look." He took a deep breath as he did up his buttons and I suspected he was giving himself something to do so he didn't have to look at me. "I was glad when you phoned 'cause it was an excuse to see you again despite the circumstances. I figured if I waited, eventually I'd catch you when you weren't going through a fucking crisis and I'd at last have your attention long enough to be able to ask you out properly, but... Christ, I only wanted to..."
That was it. I had royally fucked up. Whatever he wanted, I wanted it too. Such realizations always came a moment too late.
"Don't worry, Piper." He winked, and my heart leapt. Perhaps it was all right after all. "I'm pretty sure I can cure
myself of that affliction soon enough."
I screwed my eyes shut as he left the room, tried not to hear his footsteps as they thudded down the hall but the sound echoed in my head, and it was only after the door clicked shut—a surprisingly gentle sound after such an exit— that I realized it wasn't his footsteps I heard after all.
Twenty Four
"Okay, enough of this." Matthias dropped the wooden spoon and it clattered against the edge of the pan. The meat and onions sizzled, spreading the aroma of the chili around his small kitchen and, sitting at his drop leaf 'dining table', I sniffed. Partly out of emotion, partly because my brother was the best cook I knew. Well. Maybe the second best now.
"What's up with you?" he asked. Demanded, even.
I'd known it would come to this. We often spent social time together, but he must have heard something in my voice when I'd suggested we get together for dinner one evening. What's more, I'd suggested coming to his house, which was unusual given that I'd called him. "You've got a bloody cheek!" he'd said, but for some reason, agreed.
"There must be something wrong," he continued. "You didn't say 'nothing', which is the usual woman's answer when you ask what's up. Don't you lot expect us blokes to be mind readers?"
Taking a deep breath I lifted my clasped hands from under my chin and laid them flat on the table, bracing myself. "I think I fucked up."
"Oh?" Matthias frowned, inclined his head. His entire body stiffened then as he gave me all his attention. No gentle mockery or good natured ribbing between siblings.
"I..." A ball of emotion swelled up in my throat and it took two or three swallows to beat it back down. "I met someone."
"Oh." A pause, while he thought it over. "Does this someone have a name?"
"Leo."
"So... you fucked up?"
"As only I can, yes."
Matthias exhaled slowly, groaning. "You like him?"
"Yeah. I do." It was a relief to say it, but painful at the same time.
"You must do, to be concerned about fucking up. You normally just walk away and move on to another victim."
"Math..."
"I know what you're thinking, Pipes, but no, I wasn't referring to Gray. Not specifically. I've seen it happen time and time again. Even with Andrew. Man, of all the blokes you could have dated properly, you chose him?"
"I realize I... I just don't know why."
"I do."
"Oh?" I lifted my head a little, waited for him to explain.
"Yeah. He was easy to walk away from. Think about it." Matthias turned back to the pan when the contents started sizzling. As he stirred, he explained. "He looked good, I'll give him that. And I'm assuming you fancied him."
"Yeah. I did. We had some fun in bed—"
"Argh!" Matthias yelped, and I wondered if he'd burned himself at the cooker. "Piper does not have a sex life. She is my sister. She is a virgin. La, la, la, not listening!"
"Okay, okay, I fancied him but we never played hide the sausage. Ever."
"Good. Good, now where was I?"
"I dated Andrew because he was easy to walk away from."
"Yeah. That's right. Listen, don't take offence but I used to look at you with Andrew and think, well, you never seemed completely into him. As if it was never permanent."
"You can't tell that. Even if your intentions are good, if something's new you can never tell if it's going to last forever."
"No, no, but... it just seemed to me like you didn't want it to last forever with him. Anyway." Matthias shrugged, continued stirring the pot. "I figured he was a placeholder boyfriend until someone better came along. Like you were off the market for a bit, bored with being a player, thought you'd take some time off, then when you got bored with him
after a few months, he'd be on his way."
I opened my mouth to protest, but instantly realised something important. He was right. "Maybe."
"No maybes," he muttered. "I just don't get why all these adventures have to be with different people."
"They don't. It's just that I've never found a man who was equal to my demands."
"Demands?"
"Desires. Urges."
"Which you don't have, because you're all sweet and innocent, right?" He chuckled. "So. This Leo. Tell me about him."
"Oh..." I shrugged. "I don't know what to say."
"Where'd you meet him?"
"Kelleher's. We swapped numbers and hooked up a week later. We only stayed out for one drink then came home for—"
"Skip the bits I wouldn't want to hear."
"We ended up spending the whole weekend together. He cooked. He made me laugh. I went back to his place."
"You what? Are you crazy? Pipes, I don't even like the thought of you bringing guys back to your—"
"Math, Math, it was fine. Honestly. I trusted him." A chill ran through me at those words. How true they were. He was trustworthy, and I'd blown it.