Up In A Heaval (23 page)

So had she. But it must have been a passing thing, because it was gone now.

The two friends turned around and went back to the house.

The next letter turned out to be addressed to PRINCESS NADA NAGA. Umlaut read it before they left Anathe Ma's house, so as to know where they were going next.

To the Snake Broad:

What kinda snake are ya, anyway? Snakes are s'posed ta be evil, dangerous, and way cool. You and your brother give reptiles a bad name. Hangin' 'round with sissy princesses is bad enough, but the thought of marrying a wimpy princey-boy makes me wanna puke. It's just gross!

Naga, now that's cool. Think Cobra, think Asp, think Viper. And Python, Copperhead, and Rattler. Now those dudes are mean! Slither around and jump on things to chomp 'em. Poison till you're dead. There's no question who's in charge. That's the way ta be. Power unto yourself, y'know?

Shape up, lady, you're doing a lousy job of bein' a snake.

KING COBRA Mundania

Umlaut shook his head. This was no polite effort. It might not be the one that would set off a war, but he wasn't sure whether he should deliver it. “What do you think, Sesame? You're better versed in serpent matters than I am.”

Princess Nada was not a snake, she was a naga, Sesame said in Serpentine. A cross between serpent and human.

“A naga,” he repeated, not quite getting it, as was his wont.

She saw that he didn't quite understand about crossbreeds. Suppose the two of them had met at a love spring instead of in a dungeon and drunk its elixir without knowing. They would have signaled the stork together, and the stork would have brought a naga baby.

“A naga baby,” he said, blushing so hard that he was afraid his hair would curl. He had never thought of Sesame as a girlfriend, just as a friend.

She ignored his embarrassment. She understood his limitations and was fond of him. A naga could assume the form of either of its species of origin, she explained, but its normal mode was in between: a serpent with a human head. Because it chose its form when it changed, it could become any size serpent. That made it fairly formidable. Since Nada was a princess of her kind, she was more formidable, and because she was married to a demon prince, more formidable yet. He certainly wouldn't want to annoy her.

“So I shouldn't deliver this letter?”

But the word among serpents was that Nada was a very nice person. She was betrothed to Prince Dolph Human when young and pretended to be even younger so that he would not feel out of place. Then when he married Princess Electra, Nada graciously let him go and later found a different prince to marry. Now they had a cute little girl, DeMonica, who played with the demoness Metria's son, Demon Ted.

“So I should deliver the letter after all?”

She wouldn't know. She was not a naga princess.

He gazed at her. “Are you teasing me?”

No, merely providing some background.

“Can naga hurl spots?”

Not that she knew of.

“Then I'll deliver it.”

Sesame would have smiled if her face had that expression in its repertoire. It would be nice to meet her.

But Umlaut retained some caution. Before he told Sammy, he checked for location. “Where does Nada Naga live?”

She wouldn't know, Sesame repeated.

So much for that. They would have to try to follow Sammy pell-mell, trying to keep up, unless Claire restrained him. But then he thought of another way. It was a virtual act of genius for him.

“Sammy, I want to deliver the next letter, but I'd rather find a comfortable way to travel. Can you find a nice route, rather than a direct one?”

Sammy nodded and took off.

“Wait! You don't even know which person yet!”

Claire gave him a stare of disgust, then glanced at his hand. He looked at it and saw that he was still holding the letter. Sammy had seen the address. He felt foolish yet again, but Claire gave him an I know you can't help it you innocent creature look that made him feel better. She looked down on him, of course, but seemed halfway fond of him too. That reminded him irrelevantly of what Sesame had said about his mysterious appeal. Why couldn't she have been his friend if she were of his species?

They bid hasty adieu to Anathe Ma, who seemed genuinely sorry to see them go, and piled into the boat. Para followed Sammy eastward through the jungle. Eventually it opened out onto the east coast of Xanth, and Para splashed happily into the sea. They moved north, following the coastline.

A sea monster spied them and came over to investigate. Sesame slid into the water and swam out to intercept it. Soon the monster nodded and departed; one sea monster did not intrude on the territory of another. Then a flying dragon oriented on them and came down for a strafing run. Umlaut stood and emulated an ogre and made as if to hurl a rock at the creature's snoot; it veered off and went elsewhere. Ogres might be justly proud of their stupidity, but they could hit a flying target at inordinate range and knock the stuffing out of it. Any flying creature who tested that would fall below the ogre range of stupidity, which was impossible.

“If we had realized how well we work as a team,” Umlaut remarked, “we could have saved ourselves some trouble earlier.” Sesame nodded.

The shoreline receded, forming a giant U valley. “What's that?” Umlaut asked.

Claire gave him another idiot stare. Sesame answered in Serpentine: That is the Gap Chasm.

Oh. “We're going around it! We've been under it, over it, and across it, so this is the next way.” He didn't think to mention that he hadn't realized that their destination was north of the big cleft.

Water travel was easy for them, but Para was doing the work and needed to rest at night so went ashore at a convenient beach. It was evening, but the tons of sand glowed so brightly that the area remained as bright as day. Then he saw the sign: DAY TON A BEACH. That explained it.

But there was nothing to eat. They looked and looked, but there was only the day-bright beach sand. Umlaut hesitated to ask Sammy to find food, not knowing where he would go.

A young woman approached, walking along the beach. Umlaut was wary, having encountered so many of her kind recently, but he was the one who spoke Human, so he nerved himself and greeted her. “Hello. I am Umlaut, and these are my friends. We're traveling north.”

She glanced at him as if measuring him for a bed. That made him more nervous. “I am Andrea. My talent is becoming a carrot.”

Umlaut reacted with his customary acumen. “Uh, what?”

“Hold out your hand.”

Now she wanted to hold hands? “Uh, why?”

She laughed. “Do you think I'm going to kiss it?”

His slow thoughts hadn't gotten that far yet, but it did seem to be a reasonable threat. “Uh—”

“Just hold it out.”

He did so, and she took it. Then she flickered and was gone. He was holding a nice yellow carrot.

Then the carrot was gone and the girl was back. His hand was on her blouse. Blushing, he snatched it away. “Uh—” Oh, he was being so intelligent! “What do you want?”

“Gee, I would really like to have a ride in your weird boat.”

“Well, I'm sure Para would be glad to give you one.”

“That would be wonderful, especially with you beside me.”

“Uh, sure.” Then he caught Claire's stare. He was evidently being stupid again. It seemed to be his natural state. After not much more than half a moment he figured it out. “Maybe we can make a deal. Do you know of any food near here?”

“There isn't any close by. The perpetual daylight dries up the plants. But if you'd like some carrot, I can provide plenty of that.”

He was appalled. “Eat-you? We wouldn't do that!”

She laughed. “I can't think of anyone I'd rather be eaten by. But don't be concerned. I can become a very big carrot. I'll be all right as long as you don't eat all of me. You can cut off twenty-four pieces and make golden soup.”

“Golden soup?”

“Twenty-four carrots,” she clarified with half a smile.

Umlaut didn't get it. Maybe if she had expended a whole smile he would have. “If you're sure it's all right.”

“I'm sure. I have fed our village before, when things got tight. But first I'd like my ride.”

Para gave Andrea an excellent ride across the bright sand and over the water. She oooed and ahhhed obligingly and flung her arms around Umlaut when they crested a wave.

Then, back at the beach, she turned herself into a giant carrot. Umlaut carefully carved pieces from it, fearful that there would be a protest, but there was none. It seemed it didn't hurt her. When he had enough, she became a girl again. “Fair exchange, no loss,” she said.

“Uh, yes, thank you.”

“Would you like to stay with me? You would never go hungry.”

“I'm, uh, promised to another girl.”

“Lucky girl,” Andrea said regretfully and went her way.

So she had not been another manifestation of D. Metria. That was a relief, but he wasn't too relieved, because he wasn't sure where the demoness was or what other mischief she was cooking up.

It was excellent carrot. There was a self-heating pot under one of Para's seats, and they found a spring and dipped it full of water. They cooked twenty-four pieces, and it did make beautifully golden soup. Even the cats and Sesame liked it, though they normally did not eat straight vegetables.

They curled up on the bright beach and slept as well as they could in the perpetual day.

Umlaut dreamed of Surprise. She was standing before him in a bright dress, looking ethereally pretty. “Do you like me this way?”

“I like you any way,” he said. “But how can you be here on the beach?”

“I'm not on the beach. I'm in your dream.”

“My dream girl!” he agreed blissfully.

She smiled, looking even prettier. “It's another talent. I just can't stay away from you, but I have to find a new way to reach you each time. We can't keep meeting like this.”

“I would come to you, if your folks let me.”

“I know. I'm working on them. They have this thing about age. Are you sure I shouldn't fetch that aging elixir?”

“I'm not sure, but I think it best to wait. There are things to learn before reaching adult status, so it's best to take proper time.”

“Who says so?”

“Sesame Serpent. She's adult, for a serpent, so she knows.”

“But she's not human.”

“She's my friend, and she wants what's best for me.”

Surprise sighed. “I suppose she's right,” she grudged. “But I already know I love you, Umlaut. I would do anything for you.”

“Surprise, please, just be yourself for me! That's all I want. I don't want to spoil it. I love you too.”

“If you weren't so decent, you wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of a smitten girl.”

He wanted to laugh but realized she was serious. “I'm sorry. I guess that's the way it is.”

“I forgive you.”

“Uh, thank you. Uh, Surprise, Sesame told me something. I don't know if I understand it.”

“Tell me, maybe I will.”

“She said that there's something about me that makes females like me.”

“That is so true.”

“But if—if it's like magic, I mean, uh, not being because of any merit of mine, maybe you, uh—”

“Umlaut, are you trying to tell me I'm a victim of some sort of spell?”

“Uh, I guess maybe so. So if you, uh—”

She frowned. “Do you want me to leave you?”

“No!” he cried in anguish. “I mean, I don't want to be unfair to you. If the only reason you like me is this, well, I know I'm really not much, and—”

“You're so sweet, Umlaut. I don't care if it is magic, I do like you and don't want to let you go. I don't think you understand just how fervently I mean that.”

He was enormously relieved, but naturally his words remained clumsy. “I, uh, thank you.”

“Was there anything else?”

“Well, Sesame said that if she were of my species, she couldn't be my friend. I don't understand that.”

She nodded. “I do, Umlaut. She means that she'd be romantically attracted to you too. That can be hard on friendship.”

“But she's a serpent!”

“Exactly. So she can be your friend, not liking you in that way. I'm not your friend.”

That tossed him for another loop. “Uh?”

“I'm your beloved.”

Oh. “I guess maybe that's it. Those girls I've met—when they find they can't be my, uh, beloved, they don't want to be my friend.”

“Which is exactly as it should be. Oops, I have to go. Kiss me.”

He embraced her, expecting her to be illusion, but she felt real. This was a dream, and the things of it seemed real. He kissed her, and it was delightful. “Oh, Surprise, thank you for coming to me! You make it all worthwhile.”

“I should hope so.” She smiled and faded, leaving him with an empty dream.

He woke and found it day. But of course it was always day here on the beach. He looked more carefully and saw that it was day out over the sea also, so it was real. He got up, had a bit more golden soup, and washed. By then the others were stirring too.

They continued north, then returned to land where Sammy indicated. Here the beach was normal, except that there was yet another young human woman standing there. It was as if they saw him coming. Was Metria back at her tricks, or was this a real person?

“Hello. I'm Umlaut, and these are my friends. We're going to see Princess Nada Naga.”

She seemed to hesitate, then spoke. “That's nice. I'm Gail Marie, just out for a walk on the beach.”

Her words were innocuous, but there was something more than strange here. Umlaut was almost knocked off his feet, as if he had been riding standing in the boat and it had come to an abrupt stop. But he was standing on the beach, and nothing had changed. In fact things seemed to have returned to normal. What had happened?

“I, uh, did something just occur?” He suspected that he was being dull again, but he had just been literally shaken.

Again she seemed to hesitate before speaking. “I'm sorry.” And as she spoke, there was that same weird halting, almost immediately resuming, if that was the correct concept.

“I don't understand.”

“It is my talent. The world listens to me.”

Again, the lurching-seeming motion, though he could only feel it, not see it. The others felt it too; Para was halfway sprawling, and the cats and serpent were looking anxiously around. “I mean that motion.”