Upside Down (22 page)

“Lie down, Mark. You can’t go out feeling like that. I’ll get you something for the headache and for the hangover.
”

When I got back, he had fallen asleep again. I left the glass and the medicine on the night table and went to the bathroom to take a shower and get dressed.

Mark spent most of the Sunday in my place. He slept almost until noon. Then, we had a light lunch together. We talked and hung out like good old friends. He asked me about the previous night. I told him how the cute bartender had helped me take him upstairs and joked about the crush Peter had on him. I didn’t tell him about all the embarrassing things he had said. But, there was an unspoken tension between us. Around six in the afternoon, Mark said he needed to go home.

“Carol
, I’ve got to go home. Thank you so much for everything.”

“Are you sure you’ll be fine?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about me.”

“That’s the thing, though. I do worry about you, Mark.”

He had stood up to leave but he sat down again.

“If you care about me, please, get me out of this misery. Make up your mind about us. I know I was the one who convinced you we should take some time apart. I hate myself for that. I miss you so much, Carol.”

“I miss you, too,” I looked at my hands on my lap because, all of a sudden, I felt guilty for having kissed Cindy on Friday. “I don’t know why but I don’t feel like we are on a break. Maybe, it’s the fact we see each other every day. I feel like we’re still together.”

“
But we
are
on a break, Carol. That was the whole point. Taking time apart so that you’d feel fine sorting this out with the other guy. Have you talked to him already?”

I looked down again.
“No, I’m sorry. I haven’t found the courage to do that. It still feels like I’m cheating on you.”

Mark shook his head and stared at me
for a while.

“I don’t know if I
should get angry at you right now or if I should kiss you until kingdom come. I’ve waited for so long to get any sign from you that you cared for me. That you might like me at least a fraction of how much I love you and now this,” he paused and smiled. His grin was so sad I realized he had chosen not to kiss me, after all. “It’s touching to know you hesitated to contact this guy. It may really mean you have feelings for me. But, in fact, putting things off will only hurt us more in the end. Don’t you think?”

I looked into his mesmerizing eyes and was tempted to say I had already made up my mind. Then, I remembered what had happened on that elevator ride with Cindy and what had almost happened against the garage wall. It wouldn’t
have been fair to say I had made a decision when I clearly hadn’t.

“Mark, it’s been so hard for me to decide. When I’m with you, I have no doubts about what I want. I want you. When we are apart, I’m not so sure
anymore.”

“Then, maybe we shouldn’
t see each other for a while. I have some overdue vacation time, anyway. I could take a week to visit my folks. It’s been a while and I miss them.”

“That’s a good idea, actually. When can you do that?”

“I’ll look into it tomorrow. Probably, I’ll be able to take the following week off.”

“I’m sure that will help me. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

He stood up again and I walked him to the door. When we got there, I leaned and kissed him out of habit. When I realized what I had done, I felt mortified.

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to make things harder on you, Mark.”

“Too late, gorgeous,”
his smile was wicked when he looked down at the bulge in his pants. “You don’t need to do anything to make things hard.”

“You are incorrigible. It’s a good thing you’ll take some time off and get out of my sight. I can’t seem to keep my hands to myself when you’re around. Now, go before I change my mind.”

I playfully pushed him out of the door. He pretended to resist but left. When the elevator came, he blew me a kiss over his shoulder as he entered it.

My apartment seemed bigger than usual, and very lonely, when I got back inside.

* * * *

True to his word, Mark took the following week off. His last week at the office was kind of hectic, which didn’t leave me much time to plan on what I should do next. On the weekend, though, I felt lonely but resisted the urge to call Mark
all through Saturday. On Sunday, I also managed not to drink the bottle of wine I picked up in my cellar. But it gave me an idea. I took a deep breath and called Cindy’s cell phone.

“Hey, you. I thought you’d never call. Are you ready to explain to me why your life is more complicated than anyone else’s?”

I closed my eyes because the butterflies in my stomach were suffocating me. I almost hung up but scolded myself for being a coward.

“Yes, I’m ready. Would you like to grab a bite to eat next week? When are you free?”

“Why wait? I could go to your place right now. We could have some fun.”

“Cindy, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about sex. Like I said the other day, I’d like to know you better.”

“Hmm, so you’re inviting me out on a date? I thought you didn’t date,” her tone was so sarcastic that it pissed me off.

“You thought wrong. Anyway, I thought we could have dinner and talk but if you’re not interested, that’s fine by me, too.”

“No, hey, wait! I’m sorry. You took me by surprise and I tend to say stupid things when I’m caught off guard.”

It took me forever to answer. I had to swallow hard a couple of times to get my pride under control. Cindy must have thought I had hung up.

“Carol, are you still there?”

“Yes, I am. Look, may
be this is all a bad idea. You clearly just wanted to have some fun with a new, hard-to-get bossy chick. I was a challenge and you obviously like a good chase. We should probably leave it at that.”

“What are you talking about? Do you think I’m some kind of slut who goes after every hot girl I meet?
If you’re too afraid to face the fact you had just as much fun as I did, there’s no need to take it out on me.”

“You’re right
,” I admitted and my voice reflected how tired I felt. I didn’t want to keep running from things. “I’m sorry. Can we start all over?”

“I guess it’
s a good idea,” she didn’t sound very sure, though.

“Hey, Cindy? How are you doing?
” I tried my best perky voice. “Would you like to meet over the next week for a good dinner and a couple of glasses of wine? My treat.”

“I’d love to,” she answered in a cheerful tone. “How did
I sound? Better?”

I had to laugh at her self-deprecating
joke.

“You are one strange woman
. Do you know that, Cindy O’Rourke?”

“I’ve been told that once or twice.”

“When would you like to meet?”

“I’ve got Tuesday night off. Is that OK?”

“Perfect,” I couldn’t resist making a joke, though. “That’s a date,” I completed, laughing.

She chuckled and said, “It’s a date. S
ee you tomorrow at the office, then.”

“See you.”

I hung up and fired up my tablet to make the restaurant reservations.

Monday and Tuesday flew by
me. Without Mark to help, I was swamped with work but I made sure I wouldn’t be late for dinner on Tuesday. I took a cab home and used the time to text Cindy the address for the restaurant. I told her to meet me there around eight. I arrived a quarter to eight but didn’t wait more than five minutes for her. I had told myself I’d be nicer to her than I had been the last couple of times we had talked. After all, there was no point in being confrontational.

When the hostess showed Cindy to
our table, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was stunning. She had chosen a classy navy blue dress that hugged her figure, showed off her curves without being vulgar, made her dark blue eyes sparkle, and my heart skipped a couple of beats. Flashes of past real events and past dream scenes threatened to carry my mind away to a very sensual, but equally dangerous landscape. She smiled at me and thanked the hostess for pulling the chair for her. I shook my head a little to snap out of the state I had slipped into. I needed to keep my wits about me if I wanted to survive that dinner with all my good intentions intact.

“
Hi, there.”

“Hey, you. Good choice
of restaurant. I’ve been dying to get a reservation here but the waiting list is insane. How did you pull it off?”

“The owners are my clients,” I smiled at her
, as the waiter handed us the menus.

“Can you recommend anything?”

“It’s my first time here, Cindy. What do you suggest?” I asked the waiter.

He gave us a couple of suggestions then walked away to give us some time to decide. We made up our minds, ordered the dishes and sipped our wine. I was a little uncomfortable and didn’t know how to start a conversation. I found my courage once I drained the
first glass of wine in two big gulps. I put in down on the table and the waiter came running to fill it up. I spoke when he went away again.

“Is it only me or do you also feel like you’re a teenager again going out on a first date? Why is it so awkward?”

“Well, it doesn’t feel like a first date to me because we have already have sex,” she answered laughing. “And it’s so awkward because we have already have sex – before our first date, I might add.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.
So, let me try a simple question here - do you have any hobbies?”

“OK, this
is more a blind-date kind of question, not exactly a first-date one. When was the last time you went out on a first date?”

“I don’t remember.
It’s probably too long ago.”

“Well, let’s try it your way. I love reading and listening to music. What about you?”

“So do I. What kind of books do you read?”

“Any with words on.”

I looked at her with a puzzled expression that made her laugh.

“It’s an old joke of mine, sorry. My grandma used to tell me that. She said I always had a book in my hands
; that I’d read anything as long as there were words printed on it.”

“She sounds like a lovely lady,” I said and couldn’t get the little trace of envy away from my voice.

“She was. She passed away some years ago,” Cindy noticed there was something strange in my tone. “What’s wrong? Didn’t you have a nice grandma?”

“To be honest, I didn’t have much of a family growing up.”

The waiter came back with our dinner and we stopped while he settled the dishes in front of us.

“I remember reading that
story for my essay in college. Your parents moved out of the country when you were little. You were ten or something, right? Your father got a big job somewhere in Africa or Asia. I thought you had gone with them.”

“Most people assume that but they left me in Boston.”

Cindy looked up from her plate in surprise. I thought she was surprised to hear that I had been left behind. I was wrong.

“You sound bitter. I’m sure your parents had an excellent reason to do that. I mean, they are your parents – they want the best for you. Don’t you think?”

“Up until a couple of weeks ago, I’d have said I didn’t think that at all. Now, I’m not so sure.”

She raised an eyebrow obviously waiting for me to elaborate on that comment. I wasn’t ready to share that much information with Cindy. So, I shrugged and said, “It’s a very long story. Let’s leave it for some other time. Well, you defended my parents without a second thought. I assume you have a good relationship with yours, then.”

“They are the best. They’ve always been very supportive of me. They aren’t rich people but I had a comfortable childhood. We traveled a lot both around America and abroad. They say you need to see the world to better understand it.”

“I guess they’re right. Do you have a big family?”

“I’m an only child – like you. But, I had many cousins growing up. My mom has two brothers and two sisters. My father has a brother and a sister. They all got married and had two or three children. You do the math.”

“Wow. It’s a very large family. I didn’t have any cousins and I barely remember my grandparents. I was eight when my father got the job in Angola. I was sent to a boarding school for girls and, during school vacations, I’d go home to my nannies, maids, butlers. They were great to me and I loved them
but they weren’t family.”

“I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you,” this time she sounded sympathetic to my situation. She even squeezed my hand to show her concern. “Personally, I don’t know what I would have done without my mom and dad or what I would have become. They have always encouraged me. They taught me to be true to myself before anything or anyone else.”

“Do they know you’re gay?”

“Yes, they do and they have embraced it. I think they knew it before I did.”

“How so?”

“In the first years of high school, I used to date boys. Later, I went through a confusion period. I didn’t know what to do when I first felt attracted to some of
my colleagues in the cheerleading squad. I was ashamed to talk about it with my mom. But she’s a very smart and sensitive person. She must have guessed something was off. I never asked. One day, she took me to the theater to watch this play. We used to go to the theater all the time. Anyway, the play was about two women who had loved each other for most of their lives. Because they lived in a very small town, in the fifties, they chose to ignore those feelings and get married and have children. They ended up as two bitter, miserable old ladies who made sure everyone else around them also led very unhappy lives.”

“That’s quite depressing for a teenager to watch.”

“Yes, but it gave my mom the perfect opportunity to talk about some issues without seeming nosy or making me uncomfortable. We discussed every aspect of the play over the following days. Again, it was something we usually did, so, I didn’t think much of it. My dad would join us in some of these conversation and would also say how sorry he was for the choices those women had made. He would point out how those bad choices had affected everybody’s lives, not only their own. My mom said they suffered so much because they hadn’t been true to themselves. Well, you get the picture.”

I had finished my dinner some time during her narrative and had spent the rest of the time gawking at her.

“What? What did I do wrong?” Cindy asked me when she noticed the way I was staring.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m amazed at how clever your parents were. They
approached a teenager in order to deal with a very sensitive issue, even for adults, with so much ease and tact.”

“Yeah, they did. And it was awesome because at the end of the discussions I thought I had gotten to my conclusions
all by myself. It took me years to understand they had led me exactly where they wanted me to go,” she smiled fondly at those memories.

The waiter returned to take our empty plates away. He brought the dessert menu
, which we refused. I asked for another bottle of wine. Then, I turned back to Cindy and stated the obvious.

“You love them very much.”

“Is it that obvious?” she laughed.

“Honestly, I’m not very good at recognizing love when I see it. I’ve been told I can’t see it even when it’s about to bite me in the nose
,” I offered her a wry smile. “And I must agree with that.”

Cindy looked down and played with the base of her glass for a while before lifting her gaze back to mine.

“Not even Mark’s? I mean, you can see he loves you deeply, can’t you?”

“Only after he said so a couple of times.”

“And do you love him?”

She seemed to hold her breath because she sighed when I answered, “I don’t know.”

We sat in silence for a while turning our glasses in our hands and pretending to look at the wine. We were really looking at each other and gauging each other’s expressions. She broke the silence first.

“Why is that? Why are you not sure if you love him? It’s something you feel or you don’t. It should be that simple.”

“Maybe for you it is. I’ve never been in love before. I have nothing to compare it to.”

She looked at me as if I had grown to heads.

“I don’t believe you’ve never been in love, Carol. That is such a waste!”

“Thank you very much, young lady.”

“Don’t be offended, please. It’s just so hard to believe a gorgeous woman like you have never loved before.”

“Have you?”

“A couple of times, yes. Although, the relationships didn’t last forever, they were fun while they lasted. I don’t regret a single moment of them.”

“Have you ever been in love with a man?”

“I thought I was once. I gave it try but it didn’t work. Again, no regrets.”

The waiter
brought the check and I paid it and asked for a cab.

“Can I drop you at you
r place?”