Vacant Possession (21 page)

I know, he thought—I suppose I know—that people who are so exercised about the human condition are often refusing to face problems of their own. Like Sylvia; she rushes down the road to do some good elsewhere. He had never thought to compare the two ladies before. No doubt if they could meet, they would have a lot to say to each other. They would be able to pluck out a few thoughts of their heart and run a little comparison survey. Men did not do that. He understood why Jim Ryan had been so undignified. How would it be if he walked into the staff room tomorrow and said, “Gentlemen, I need to talk to you, I need to unburden myself and hear your advice?” It was unthinkable. They’d make a dash for it and there he’d be, standing by the photocopier while they rang for an ambulance. Yet without some process like this, how could he know what other men felt? He thought of his colleagues; after the first flurry of excitement, putting a minute diamond on some girl’s finger, were they ever again beset by the stirrings of romance? Never: in his view. Stirrings of lechery, perhaps; those passed. One woman was the same as the next to them. Marriage was a practical arrangement which they entered into for the sake of comfort, and which they left under protest when the standard of comfort declined too far. They were inert, his colleagues, collections of cells for copulating and eating pork chops and going to the municipal swimming pool on a Sunday afternoon.

It was with the notion of Isabel that he had conspired to avoid this fate; it was with his picture he conspired, with the far-seeing eyes and mandarin lips. Always he had believed that somehow, somewhere, and one of these days, he would place before her his confusions, his doubts, the great mass of unsatisfied needs that doubled and raged inside him like a convulsing child; and there would be one word, and she would say it, and with that word she would put his life to rights.

And now? There was no future, but that was not it. There was no past; something had reached back and changed it. Had she always been crazy? It was easy to believe. She would turn into one of those women who stumble about the streets, talking to themselves; who sit in bus shelters in bitter weather with bottles sticking out of their shopping bags. She would grow old, decrepit, insane; and he would be old too, and so would Sylvia, a touching old Darby and Joan; and there would be Isabel, legless in a flower bed when they went to get the sunshine in the park.

“His Majesty is not feeling up to much today,” his mother said conversationally. “I think I shall have to tour the Empire alone.” She watched him, nodding in the hard chair. “You aren’t going to marry that woman?” she said sharply.

He jerked awake. “What woman?”

“That woman you’re always thinking about. Mrs. Ernest Simpson, you know what woman.”

“Oh, her. No,” he said slowly, dazed. “No, it would be too fraught and complicated, wouldn’t it? I don’t think I’ll bother. I don’t know why I ever thought I could.”

“Speculation is rife. You must put an end to it at once.”

He rubbed his eyes. “Okay.”

That night, Lizzie Blank went down to Gino’s Club. It was Ladies’ Half-Price Nite, and very crowded. There was a man who stood up on a stage and insulted the audience, and people laughed at him. She was amazed when she learned that he got a wage for it. She thought it was just one of those things that happen.

She had just got on the right side of her first Tequila Sunrise when Clyde appeared. He made a nuisance of himself all night, nursing a Brown Split, with his feet stuck out and getting in the way of the dancers. She could see him watching her, his lugubrious face splintered by the mirror ball into a thousand bloodshot eyes.

It was two o’clock when she left, slipping out of the back door. She thought in terms of an early night, although it was true that sleep didn’t interest her like it did other people. For a time she had taken Lizzie Blank’s clothes with her in a carrier bag when she went out at night, and changed in a ladies’ lavatory somewhere, but the weather was getting a bit chilly for that, and she didn’t expect to meet Mr. Kowalski on the stairs. And what if she did? She smiled absently to herself. She had just got some new boots, white leather ones with platform soles and very high heels. Clyde saw her from the knee downwards, as he blundered out of the strobe lights and into the dark.

It had been raining earlier; the air was still damp, and there were puddles underfoot. Clyde had a torch. Slicing through the clammy night, the beam buried itself in her new coney coat, nuzzling at the dark-brown fur. She saw her face in one of the puddles, a white moon, a globe. There was a smell of vomit and chicken curry. Cats cried like human babies from the wall of an old washhouse. She put her back to the plum-coloured brick, waiting for him to catch her up.

Clyde thought his luck was in. She could tell that from the way his long face split in an uncertain grin, and from the way he fumbled at his flies. He lowered the torch beam decorously. She reached forward and took the torch from him, tickling the back of his hand in a flirtatious way with her long nails. Her face downcast, she turned the beam full on Clyde’s exposed genital equipment. Clyde darted back. “Shy?” she said; half challenging and very coy. She reached out with her right hand for what he had on offer. A thin wail rose to join the noise of the cats. For good measure, she hit him with the torch on the side of the head. It was surprisingly sturdy, she thought, for plastic; she would keep it as a souvenir. Clyde backed off, folding his long body in half and retching onto the cobblestones. He flailed his arms and upended a dustbin with a clatter. Its entrails spilled out across the yard. From inside the club, Sam-7 and the Alkali Inspectorate ground their rhythms into the smoky air; off the beat, Lizzie stamped on Clyde’s fingers. From way across the town she could hear the sound of a train rattling across the points, the 1.10
A.M
. sleeper from Manchester Piccadilly to London Euston. Fearing that the damp might bring Lizzie’s hair out of curl, she took her chiffon scarf from her pocket and shook it out. She saw the stars through it, the fuzzy and rose-pink constellations, so lost and far away, all shot through with the Lurex in the weave. Her blood was up. She knotted it under her chin as she clicked along the street.

She was only a quarter of a mile from Napier Street when she met Mr. K.; and it was all over quickly. She was not surprised to see the familiar shape trundling along, enjoying the amenities of the small hours. For a moment she forgot that it was Lizzie who was out, and she almost called to him. They came face to face at the street corner. It was clear at once that he shared Clyde’s misperceptions; he thought that she was an amenity herself. He raised his stubbly head, and she saw the loneliness and hunger in his eyes. Bugger this for a game of coconuts, she thought. He put out a hand, so she bit it. It was quickly and unreflectingly done; a few clumps with her doubled fist, while the torch beam blinded him. She was not stronger than other women, but quite free from their dread of inflicting pain. “
Mater Amabilis!
” he cried, as her platform sole seemed to displace his kneecap. He did not resist; it was as if he felt he had it coming. Refuge of Sinners, Health of the Sick. The red nails came at him out of the dazzle. Morning Star, Ark of the Covenant: at first her blows seemed to make no impact on his larded torso, but gradually his knees began to sag. Tower of Ivory, Cause of Our Joy: grunting with effort, she pounded the ribs in the region of his heart. Virgin Most Merciful, Mirror of Justice: he gagged and staggered up against the wall, hunching his spine and throwing his arms over his head. Queen of the Apostles, Gate of Heaven: soon she would stop, either from boredom or fatigue. But her stamina was remarkable. She was treading on his feet now, one two, one two, like a storm trooper. Singular Vessel of Devotion, Mystical Rose, Tower of David, Mother most pure,
ora pro nobis
; not quite at the Hour of Our Death, but now, please, while we are bleeding in the gutter and it can still do us some good.

Colin’s dreams now lay in ruins; also, it was necessary for him to move his bank account. He called into one or two, picking up leaflets about mortgages and saving schemes, furtively eyeing the cashiers to see if they appeared libidinous. Standing in the High Street, he found himself clutching a sheaf of dark purple leaflets entitled “Our Executor Service.” Hastily he stuffed them into a passing litter bin, looking round to see if he was being observed.

When he arrived home, Dr. Rudge was just leaving. Sylvia, bundled into her combat jacket, was seeing him off at Florence’s gate. It was 4:30
P.M
., blue and cold. He let himself in at the front door. Suzanne was hanging about in the hall, probably waiting for the phone to ring.

“Did Jim call you?” he asked.

“Yes, he called.”

“So you know what happened?”

“Yes, so I know.” Her voice was listless. She crossed her arms over her belly. “I can’t follow all the—permutations. It tires me. My back aches.”

“Have you told your mother?”

“No, what’s the point? That’s up to you.”

“Yes…thanks.”

“Only, if you start rowing, I’ll have to leave. I can’t stand it.”

“I don’t think that will arise.”

“You’re not going to tell her about Isabel?”

“She probably knows. I think she does. Oh, not the name…but that there was somebody. I’m not sure that Isabel being Jim’s wife adds a new dimension to our problems. It seems to, when you first think about it, but…it’s not incest or anything, is it?”

“No, it’s not that. Well, I hope you can sort yourselves out.” Suzanne nodded distantly, as if they were only slight acquaintances. It was good of her, he thought, not to take up a moral stance. “It’s kind of weird,” she added, as she lumbered away.

Sylvia came in, rubbing her blue hands. “Oh, there you are, Colin. I’ve had a rotten day.”

“You look all in.”

“She’s shouted and raved for hours. You know what it is now? She keeps pointing at Lizzie and saying that her name’s Wilmot. She says she’s called Wilmot and she used to live next door.”

“This is next door.”

“I know that. I’d worked that out. There was never anybody called Wilmot living here, was there?”

“Not that I remember. I only remember the Axons. They lived here for years.”

“Yes, Evelyn and what’s her name, Muriel. You’d hardly mix those two up with anybody else. I never knew Evelyn’s husband. What was he called?”

“Clifford. Clifford Axon. Florence would tell you.”

“Perhaps he had a friend called Wilmot.”

“I don’t think so. He was an eccentric. He spent all his time in the garden shed. What did the doctor say, then?”

“I reminded him of what the hospital told us. That if we got desperate they’d offer her a bed. He wasn’t very sympathetic. He didn’t seem to think we were desperate.” I have often been desperate, Colin thought, but no one ever offered me a bed. “He told me this awful story about some people he knows who’ve got a demented mother and a handicapped fourteen-year-old in a council flat on the eighth floor. He said, there are two of you ladies. I told him I had commitments. Do you know what he said? He said, ‘Charity begins at home.’ I could have choked him.”

“Is Florence back? Is Mum on her own?”

“Just for a few minutes. It won’t hurt her. He said we could get the children to help. Can you imagine? He doesn’t know our children. I have to pay Lizzie to stay with her every time I go out to the CAB.”

“Perhaps Francis could arrange the odd parish helper.”

“Everyone’s gone on the peace march,” Sylvia said. “And here I am, stuck at home. Anyway, he’s given her some more sedatives, he says they’re strong.” Her gaze slid away from Colin’s face; it came to rest obliquely, at the side of his head. He took her arm.

“I expect we ought to talk some time, Sylvia. We can’t continue like this, exchanging the occasional word wedged up behind the front door.”

“I never have time to sit down. Your mother, and Suzanne—it’s driven everything else out of my head.” You need leisure for an unhappy marriage, she seemed to imply. “But I can’t go on like this.”

“No?”

“No. There are half a dozen community projects to be set in train.”

“I’m worried about Florence,” he said impulsively. “I think the strain’s too much for her. I think she might—”

“What?”

“No. Nothing. Never mind.”

Jim Ryan said to his wife: “I suppose we could adopt it?”

“Adopt it?” she said. “I’d rather drown it.” She looked at him; her voice and expression suddenly altered. “Besides, there’s no need now.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Come here. Feel.”

“Feel what? What are you doing?”

Carefully she laid the flat of his hand against the front of her body, keeping it covered with her own.

“I thought it was my liver,” she said. “But it can’t be, can it?”

“How did it happen? After all this time?”

“I have no bloody idea.”

“You’d better go to the doctor,” Jim said. He was alarmed. He almost felt that it was not a natural occurrence.

“He’ll tell me to stop drinking.”

“You’ll have to stop. You’ll damage it.”