No, no. I had to stop this. There was no change. No reversal of his state. It was wishful thinking, and the more I regained
my
old self, the more I realized the truth of the situation.
Dimitri’s actions had made me recall something. I’d completely forgotten about Oksana’s ring. I picked it up from the table and slipped it on my finger. I felt no noticeable change, but if the healing magic was still in it, it might help me. It could expedite my body and mind healing from the withdrawal. If any of Lissa’s darkness was bleeding into me, the ring could help dampen that, too.
I sighed. No matter how often I told myself I was free of her, I never would be. She was my best friend. We were connected in a way that few could understand. The denial I’d been living under lifted. I regretted my actions with Adrian now. He’d come to me for help, and I’d thrown his kindness back in his face. Now I was bereft of communication with the outside world.
And thinking of Lissa reminded me again of what had happened earlier when I’d been in her mind. What had pushed me out? I hesitated, pondering my course of action. Lissa was far away and possibly in trouble. Dimitri and the other Strigoi were here. But . . . I couldn’t walk away quite yet. I had to take one more look at her, just a quick one. . . .
I found her in an unexpected place. She was with Deirdre, a counselor on campus. Lissa had been seeing a counselor ever since spirit had begun manifesting, but it had been someone else. Expanding my senses to Lissa’s thoughts, I read the story: Her counselor had left shortly after the school’s attack. Lissa had been reassigned to Deirdre—who had once counseled me when everyone thought I was going crazy over Mason’s death.
Deirdre was a very polished-looking Moroi, always meticulously dressed with her blond hair styled to perfection. She didn’t look much older than us, and with me, her counseling method had resembled a police interrogation. With Lissa, she was more gentle. It figured.
“Lissa, we’re a little worried about you. Normally, you would have been suspended. I actually stopped that from happening. I keep feeling like there’s something going on that you aren’t telling me. Some other issue.”
Lissa suspended? I again reached in to read the situation and found it. Last night, Lissa and others had been busted for breaking into the library of all places and having an impromptu party complete with alcohol and destruction to some of the property. Good God. My best friend needed to join AA.
Lissa’s arms were crossed, her demeanor almost combative. “There’s no issue. We were just trying to have fun. I’m sorry for the damage. If you want to suspend me, go ahead.”
Deirdre shook her head. “That’s not my decision. My concern is the
why
here. I know you used to suffer from depression and other problems because of your, ah, magic. But this feels more like some kind of rebellion.”
Rebellion? Oh, it was more than that. Since their fight, Lissa had been unable to find Christian, and it was killing her. She couldn’t handle downtime now. All she thought about was him—or me. Partying and risk taking were the only things that could distract her from us.
“Students do this stuff all the time,” argued Lissa. “Why is it a big deal for me?”
“Well, because you put yourself in danger. After the library, you were on the verge of breaking into the pool. Swimming while intoxicated is definite cause for alarm.”
“Nobody drowned. Even if someone had started to, I’m sure that between all of us, we could have pulled them out.”
“It’s just alarming, considering some of the self-destructive behaviors you once exhibited, like the cutting. . . .”
So it went for the next hour, and Lissa did as good a job as I used to in dodging Deirdre’s questions. When the session ended, Deirdre said she wasn’t going to recommend disciplinary action. She wanted Lissa back for more counseling. Lissa would have actually preferred detention or cleaning boards.
As she stalked furiously across campus, she spotted Christian going in the opposite direction. Hope lit the blackness of her mind like sunshine. “Christian!” she yelled, running up to him.
He stopped, giving her a wary look. “What do you want?”
“What do you mean what do I want?” She wanted to throw herself in his arms and have him tell her everything would be okay. She was upset and overwhelmed and filled with darkness . . . but there was a piece of vulnerability there that desperately needed him. “I haven’t been able to find you.”
“I’ve just been . . .” His face darkened. “I don’t know. Thinking. Besides, from what I hear, you haven’t been too bored.” No surprise everyone knew about last night’s fiasco. That kind of thing spread like wildfire thanks to the Academy’s gossip mill.
“It was nothing,” she said. The way he regarded her made her heart ache.
“That’s the thing,” he said. “Everything’s nothing lately. All your partying. Making out with other guys. Lying.”
“I haven’t been lying!” she exclaimed. “And when are you going to get over Aaron?”
“You aren’t telling me the truth. It’s the same thing.” It was an echo of Jill’s sentiment. Lissa barely knew her and was really starting to hate her. “I just can’t handle this. I can’t be a part of you going back to your days of being a royal girl doing crazy stunts with your other royal friends.”
Here’s the thing. If Lissa had elaborated on her feelings more, on just how much her guilt and depression were eating her up and making her spin out of control . . . well, I think Christian would have been there for her in an instant. Despite his cynical exterior, he had a good heart—and Lissa owned most of it. Or used to. Now all he could see was her being silly and shallow and returning to a lifestyle he despised.
“I’m not!” she exclaimed. “I’m just . . . I don’t know. It just feels good to sort of let loose.”
“I can’t do it,” he said. “I can’t be with you if that’s your life now.”
Her eyes went wide. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’m . . . I don’t know. Yeah, I guess.” Lissa was so consumed by the shock and horror of this that she didn’t really see Christian the way I did, didn’t see the agony in his eyes. It destroyed him to have to do this. He was hurting too, and all he saw was the girl he loved changing and becoming someone he couldn’t be with. “Things aren’t the way they used to be.”
“You can’t do that,” she cried. She didn’t see his pain. She saw him as being cruel and unfair. “We need to talk about this—figure it out—”
“The time for talking’s past,” he argued. “You should have been ready to talk sooner—not now, not when things suddenly aren’t going your way.”
Lissa didn’t know whether she wanted to scream or cry. She just knew she couldn’t lose Christian—not after losing me, too. If she lost both of us, there was nothing left for her in the world.
“Please, don’t do this,” she begged. “I can change.”
“I’m sorry,” he snapped. “I just don’t see any evidence of that.”
He turned and abruptly walked away. To her, his departure was harsh and cold. But again, I’d seen the anguish in his eyes. I think he left because he knew if he stayed, he wasn’t going to be able to go through with this decision—this decision that hurt but that he felt was right. Lissa started to go after him when a hand suddenly pulled her back. She turned and saw Avery and Adrian standing there. From the looks on their faces, they’d overheard everything.
“Let him go,” said Adrian gravely. He’d been the one to grab her. He dropped his hand and laced his fingers through Avery’s. “Going after him now’s just going to make it worse. Give him his space.”
“He can’t do this,” said Lissa. “He can’t do this to me.”
“He’s upset,” said Avery, her concern mirroring Adrian’s. “He isn’t thinking straight. Wait for him to cool off, and he’ll come around.”
Lissa stared off after Christian’s retreating figure, her heart breaking. “I don’t know. I don’t know if he will. Oh God. I can’t lose him.”
My own heart broke. I wanted so badly to go to her, to comfort her and be there for her. She felt so alone, and I felt horrible for leaving her. Something had pushed her into this downward spiral, and I should have been there to help her out of it. That was what best friends did. I needed to be there.
Lissa turned back and looked at Avery. “I’m so confused. . . . I don’t know what to do.”
Avery met her eyes, but when she did . . . the strangest thing happened. Avery wasn’t looking at her. She was looking at
me
.
Oh jeez. Not you again.
The voice rang in my head, and
snap
! I was out of Lissa.
There it was, the mental shove, the brush of my mind and waves of hot and cold. I stared around my room, shocked at how abrupt the transition had been. Yet I’d learned something. I knew then that Lissa hadn’t been the one to shove me out before or now. Lissa had been too distracted and too distraught. The voice? That hadn’t been hers either.
And then, I finally remembered where I’d felt that brushing touch in my head. Oksana. It was the same sensation I’d experienced when she had reached out to my mind, trying to get a feel for my moods and intentions, an action that both she and Mark admitted was invasive and wrong if you weren’t bonded to someone.
Carefully, I replayed what had just happened with Lissa. Once again, I saw those last few moments. Blue-gray eyes staring at me—
me
, not Lissa.
Lissa hadn’t pushed me out of her head.
Avery had.
TWENTY-FOUR
A
VERY WAS A SPIRIT USER.
“Oh
shit
.”
I sat back down on the bed, my mind reeling. I’d never seen it coming. Hell, no one had. Avery had made a good show of being an air user. Each Moroi had a very low level of control in each element. She’d just barely done enough with air to make it seem like that was her specialization. No one had questioned her further because honestly, who would have ever expected another spirit user around? And since she was out of school, she had no reason to be tested anymore or forced to demonstrate her ability. No one was there to call her on it.
The more I thought about it, the more the little signs were there. The charming personality, the way she could talk people into anything. How many of her interactions were spirit controlled? And was it possible . . . was it possible that Adrian’s attraction had been compulsion on her part? I had no reason to feel happy about that, but . . . well, I did.
More to the point, what did Avery want with Lissa? Avery compelling Adrian into liking her wasn’t too out there. He was good-looking and came from an important family. He was the queen’s great-nephew, and although family members of the current monarch could never inherit the throne immediately afterward, he’d have a good future, one that would always keep him in the highest circles of society.
But Lissa? What was Avery’s game there? What did she have to gain? Lissa’s behavior all made sense now—the uncharacteristic partying, weird moods, jealousy, fights with Christian . . . Avery was pushing Lissa over the edge, causing her to make horrible choices. Avery was using some sort of compulsion to spin Lissa out of control, alienating her and putting her life in danger. Why? What did Avery want?
It didn’t matter. The why wasn’t important. The
how
was, as in how I was going to get out of here and back to my best friend.
I looked down at myself, at the delicate silk dress I wore. Suddenly, I hated it. It was a sign of how I’d been, weak and useless. I hastily took it off and ransacked my closet. They’d taken away my jeans and T-shirt, but I’d at least been allowed to keep my hoodie. I put on the green sweaterdress, seeing as it was the sturdiest thing I had, feeling moderately more capable. I slipped the hoodie on over it. It hardly made me feel like a badass warrior, but I
did
feel more competent. Sufficiently dressed for action, I returned to the living room and started that pacing that tended to help me think better—not that I had any reason to believe I was going to come up with new ideas. I’d been trying to for days and days with no luck.
Nothing
was going to change.
“Damn it!” I yelled, feeling better with the outburst. Angry, I flounced into the desk chair, amazed that I hadn’t simply thrown it against the wall in my frustration.
The chair wobbled, ever so slightly.
Frowning, I stood up and looked at it. Everything else in this place was state-of-the-art. Odd that I’d have a faulty chair. I knelt down and examined it more closely. There, on one of the legs, was a crack near where the leg joined with the seat. I stared. All of the furniture here was industrial strength, with no obvious joints. I should know, seeing how long I’d beat this chair against the wall when I first arrived. I hadn’t even dented it. Where had this crack come from? Slamming it over and over had done nothing.
But I hadn’t been the only one to hit it.
That very first day, I’d fought with Dimitri and come after him with the chair. He’d taken it from me and thrown it against the wall. I’d never paid attention to it again, having given up on breaking it. When I’d later tried cracking the window, I’d used an end table because it was heavier. My strength hadn’t been able to damage the chair—but his had.
I picked up the chair and immediately slammed it into that diamond-hard window, half-hoping I might kill two birds with one stone. Nope. Both remained intact. So I did it again. And again. I lost track of how many times I slammed that chair into the glass. My hands hurt, and I knew despite my recovery, I still wasn’t at full strength. It was infuriating.
Finally, on what felt like my gazillionth try, I looked at the chair and saw the crack had grown bigger. The progress renewed my will and strength. I hit and hit, ignoring the pain as the wood bit into my hands. At long last, I heard a crack, and the leg broke off. I picked it up and stared in amazement. The break hadn’t been clean. It was splintered and sharp. Sharp enough to be a stake? I wasn’t sure. But I knew for a fact that wood was hard, and if I used enough force, I might be able to hit a Strigoi’s heart. It wouldn’t kill one, but the blow would stun. I didn’t know if it’d be enough to get me out of here, but it was all I had now. And it was a hell of a lot more than I’d had one hour ago.