Authors: Cassandra Gannon
“And
what are you going to do when Fang gets you to his fortress and locks you in
his bedroom?” Slade hissed back. “Have you thought that far ahead?!”
She
was seriously trying not to. Being alone with the Werewolf terrified her. If
Slade saw how scared she was, he was going to really freak out, though. A
lifetime of hiding behind a confident façade had her projecting strength she
didn’t feel. “Don’t worry. I’m only willing to take method acting so far.
Before things get too creepy, you’ll have figured out a way to get that
enchanted knife over there and cut your glowy ropes.”
Slade
blinked, his eyes flashing over to the wall. Right there, between a weird
looking wrench and a pin-up of some girl who looked like a blonde Angelina
Jolie, was a sapphire-colored weapon. It hung on an innocuous hook, but the
star-effect that gleamed off the damn thing made it as prominent as Chekov’s
gun. Films didn’t spotlight props like that unless you were supposed to notice
them. Especially, not this close to Fang’s heavy-handed foreshadowing about
blue diamonds’ anti-magickal properties. Jane hated stilted dialogue like that
in movies.
Usually.
“That
is a blue diamond blade.” Slade whispered.
“I
figured as much. Can it get cut through those shiny ropes?”
Slade
glanced at her, his expression intense. “Yes.”
“Good.
Now, Fang’s going to notice if I take it.” It wasn’t like she had many places
to hide an illuminated knife in her gauzy dress. “So,
you
have to do
it. Sandbag the Goblins, palm the blade, and get free. Then, just wait for an
opening to escape.”
“Without
you?” His eyebrows slammed together. “
No.
I will save you if I have
to kill every Goblin in the…”
Jane
interrupted his protest. “Do you hear me arguing? You’d
better
come
save me. You think I want to a wedding night with the Wolfman?” She rolled
her eyes and marched after Fang. “You’d better find a white horse, buddy. If
I’m suddenly the heroine of this crappy movie, I expect some epic goddamn
rescuing from my Vampire Charming.”
INT. JAMES’ PARENTS’ GARAGE- DAY
JAMES THE ORC is a gigantic, orange
creature with a collection of tattoos and a purple goatee. (Note: We might
have to CGI him, with some kind of motion capture thing. Then, JONAH HILL
could do his voice. And --bonus-- he’s friends with LEONARDO DICAPRIO, so JONAH
could finally convince him to be in this movie. LEO’s people still aren’t
returning my calls.) Anyway, JAMES’ life is pretty uncomplicated. He’s committed
to the band, he hates ROLAND, and he dreams of one day getting a date with
TEAGAN. Contrary to ROLAND’S opinion, JAMES is also pretty good on the bass.
He is jamming out to some White Snake songs when ROLAND barges into the garage.
JAMES
Where the
hell have you been? We were supposed to meet and vote on band names, dingus.
How do you
expect anyone to take us seriously if we don’t even have a kickass name to…?
ROLAND
(Panting
for breath and cutting him off)
The
Werewolf just kidnapped my brother!
JAMES
(Scoffing)
That’s a
terrible name.
ROLAND
It’s not a
suggestion for the band, you moron! It actually
happened.
Fang took my
brother!
JAMES
You have a
brother, now? Does he suck at lead guitar, too?
ROLAND
No, he’s
the fucking King of the Vampires! And he’s the only hope we have of freeing
Infinia.
JAMES
(Squinting)
Have you
switched to hard drugs? Because that would explain
a lot
.
ROLAND
(Heading
towards the band equipment)
Just shut
up and help me find a radio. We gotta contact Slade’s rebel buddies to come and
save him.
JAMES
(Suddenly interested)
Whoa, hang
on… Somebody in this kingdom invented a radio?
Dude, that’s
awesome! Maybe we can finally get our demo played!
Redrafted Film Script- “From Here to Infinia”
Somewhere
between Jane concocting the (admittedly kinda hackneyed) amnesia plan and their
arrival at the ominous portcullis of the Obsidian Fortress,
From Here to
Infinia
stopped playing by typical, wide-release, bad movie rules.
Instead, it pulled out some sort of art house, meta bullshit and screwed up
everything.
Granted,
it might’ve been a
tiny
bit Jane’s fault for not ditching the damn
screenplay sooner. But, she’d been kidnapped by an egomaniacal super-villain
and Eternally-Bonded to a Vampire today, so she was a little distracted.
Subplots and stupid props fell through the cracks when you were struggling to
stay ahead of the latest weirdness in your life.
Jane
didn’t even remember dropping the script until she saw it in Fang’s hands. It
must have fallen when Slade took her to the blacksmith shop. Or when she was
channeling Clarissa. Or when she was riding on Fang’s frigging pegasus.
Whenever it happened, the Goblins picked up the damn thing and gave it to their
asshole boss. And their asshole boss read the damn thing, up to and including
the part about the kinda hackneyed amnesia plan.
Obviously,
Fang was not a happy Black Hat.
Especially,
not when he realized that Slade had escaped his evil clutches.
The
awesome part about Eternally-Bonding with the hero of the movie --besides the incredible
sex-- was that no dungeon could hold him for long. Jane knew Slade’s jailbreak
was filled with impossible parkour-y stunts and epic ninja moves. Because
Slade
had
to know martial arts. It was like a perquisite for being an
action star.
Not
that Jane got to see any of them. So typical that
From Here to Infinia
edited all the best scenes. Maybe the budget got blown on the Werewolf
effects.
Fang
was so enraged by Slade’s vanishing act that he began transforming right before
her eyes. The sun must have set enough for his powers to emerge, because he
was totally wolfing-out. His features elongated, fur sprouting from his skin.
He dragged her into his room, throwing her towards the bed.
“You
will pay for what you’ve done to me!” He bellowed.
Jesus,
the dialogue was getting worse and worse.
Jane
stumbled into the morbid chamber. It looked as if it had been decorated by Bram
Stoker, with blackened weapons on the walls, heavy curtains covering the barred
windows, and massive chains on the bedframe. The place scared her more than
the Corpse Road. How the hell was she supposed to get out?
“What
I’ve
done to
you?
” Jane snapped back, trying to hide her fear.
“Are you kidding? You stalked me and shot arrows at me and kidnapped me, you
moron! Not to mention that you’re
trying to kill Slade!
”
Fang
threw the script at her, letting out a howl of fury. “The Vampire deserves to
die! This is
my
kingdom and you’re
my
mate. He’s trying to
steal you both, like he always tries to steal
everything
from me! Do
you think I’ll let him win, again?
Do you?!
”
Jane
dodged the flying folder. “I
know
he’s going to win.” She gestured to
where the pages had landed. “So do you, if you’ve read the screenplay.”
That
was not what Fang wanted to hear. “Well, now that I know what happens, I can
make sure I do things differently.” He took a menacing step towards her, his
features still changing. “Starting with how I handle you.”
Jane
edged away from him. If she was a Vampire, why wasn’t she feeling any
superpowers kicking in? Probably because she’d somehow become the heroine.
Heroines in fantasy movies never got to do anything cool. Slade’s job was to
have supernatural adventures. Her job was to get kidnapped. Jane
knew
that Slade would show up to rescue her. He would come, no matter what he had
to do. But, she didn’t have a heck of a lot of time to wait around for him.
Finding
the screenplay had pushed Fang passed the edge of control. Maybe in the
original version he’d done innocuous movie villain-y things like tie her to a
chair or freeze her in carbonite, but now he was completely losing it. He
wasn’t going to wait for Slade to save the day. Determined to change his
scripted fate, Fang planned to attack her right that minute. Jane’s heart was
pounding out of her chest, as she tried to think of a way out of this mess.
“How
can you possibly be on the Vampire’s side?” Fang bellowed, still fuming about
her “betrayal.” “You’re supposed to be
my
mate! Do you have any idea what
Slade did to me?! All the indignities I’ve suffered? We have been enemies for
longer than you can imagine, all culminating that faithful day on the Vampire
Isle.”
…And
that’s when the flashback started.
For
real. It was an actual flashback of Slade and Fang battling on some tropical
beach. Like something out of
Game of Thrones
, the two of them fought
across the shoreline. Swords flashed in slow motion. Artfully sweaty hair
fell around intense faces. Jane had no idea if the images were projecting into
her mind or into the bedroom itself. Somehow she was seeing Fang’s memories,
though.
God,
this movie sucked.
Flashback-Slade
gained the upper hand and shoved Flashback-Fang into the sand. “You’re beaten,
Werewolf!” Blue eyes flashed cold fire as he loomed above him. “I hereby
banish you from this land forever.”
“NO!”
Flashback-Fang and real-Fang screamed at the same time.
Jane
realized she’d better do something before the movie decided to reveal that Fang
was Slade’s long lost brother or something. It was about the only cliché
they’d missed, so far.
Taking
advantage of the flashback’s trippy distraction, Jane advanced on Fang.
From
Here to Infinia
probably would’ve written her character helplessly
screaming or fainting, again. It never got sick of the fainting. Luckily,
Jane was a hell of a lot more practical.
While
Fang was caught up in angsting about his past, Jane punched him. She didn’t
stop to think about it, she just plowed her fist into his morphing face. It
was shock more than her self-defense abilities that had him stumbling backwards.
He must have expected her to politely wait for the floorshow to end before
fighting back. Or maybe he didn’t anticipate any resistance, at all.
Too
bad, asshole.
The
bed was behind her and Jane used Fang’s momentary surprise to scramble
backwards over the mattress. She landed on the other side, wondering what the
hell she was going to do next. Nothing brilliant was springing to mind, but fuck
it. She’d figure it out. She was a sturdy pragmatist from the Southside of
Chicago, not some weepy princess.
“You
bitch!
” Fang bellowed, still holding his nose. Black hair sprouted on
his hands, his fingers getting longer and more gnarled. “You’re just making it
harder on yourself! I’m a
Werewolf!
You don’t stand a chance against
me and we both know it.”
Werewolf.
Jane’s
eyes narrowed, recalling Slade’s words back in the woods when she’d asked him
if Fang needed a full moon to change:
“No, of course not. Just the night.
He will not change in front of his men, though. The transition leaves him
vulnerable for several moments.”
Jane
slowly smirked. Pissing Fang off was triggering his transition… And the transition
would leave him weak. Her eyes fell on the ominous looking weapons on the
wall. That one would do nicely. She headed over to grab the handle of a gigantic
mace, yanking it free of its hooks. “Villains don’t win in movies, jerkoff.
At least, not in mine.”
Fang
didn’t care that she was now armed. Why would he? She was half his size and she
didn’t have the Silver Sword, so it wasn’t like she could kill him. He vaulted
over the bed, seizing hold of her arm. “I’ll teach you to obey…” He didn’t
get to finish that hackneyed threat. Instead, his hand clamped down on her
wrist, directly on top of the bracelet.
His
scream was the stuff of nightmares.
Jane
hadn’t taken the stupid hunk of silver off since Slade gave it to her, which,
now that she thought about it, was kind of telling. Granted, there wasn’t
exactly a line forming of handsome guys presenting her with jewelry, but would she
ever
wear something so ugly if anybody else had given it to her? Hell
no. She wore it because it was Slade’s. She’d never really believed in its
supposed powers, though. So, Jane was pretty surprised, when it turned out
that Slade was right. Again.