I felt Addison’s hand brush my arm and I nodded.
Yes…go with Helene. She’ll protect you from me.
Or was she protecting me from Addison?
I didn’t know anymore.
I was starting to think that as wrong as we were for one another, we were also the only two people that were perfectly suited for the other.
“Don’t do this, not to protect me. You did nothing wrong,” she told me, her blue eyes full of tears.
That was the problem. I’d done everything wrong. As she moved farther away from me, I had nothing I could say to comfort her because no matter what she
wanted
, the wheels were in motion. Nothing could stop the inevitable from happening.
There was no escaping it—my crimes had finally caught up to my passion.
* * *
Present…
“She wouldn’t listen to me.”
The silence is smothering as tears blur my eyes, just like they did that day.
“Who, Helene?”
“Yes,” I whisper, remembering how I felt when she took me away from Grayson that afternoon. Helpless, heartbroken, and at the same time—furious.
“What would you have told her if you could?” Doc’s question pulls me from my memories.
“That it was my fault. That he didn’t want what happened.”
Doc shakes his head from side to side in disagreement. “But that’s a lie.” Again, the silence stretches between us. “Isn’t it Addy?”
I swallow and blink back my tears. “He didn’t even know he wanted it until I…”
“What, made him see you?” Doc suggests.
“Yes.”
“I’m pretty sure he’d tell you differently.”
“And how would you know?” I snap, my sadness beginning to overwhelm me and alter my mood to one of anger.
“I don’t. Not for certain. But why would a man—a sensible, seemingly good man—do what he did, unless he wanted to?”
“Stop talking in circles!” I yell, jumping up from my seat and balling my fists.
Sizing me up, Doc asks with infuriating calm. “Is that what I’m doing?”
“Yes!”
“No, Addy, I’m trying to make you see that it wasn’t
your
fault.”
“What?” I ask, this time laughing humorlessly.
“You once told me that you didn’t want to be pitied because of what everyone else thinks, but I’ve never been overly concerned with what everyone else thinks. Maybe…you should be pitied for what
you
think.”
I close my eyes, trying to block him out, but he continues.
“You think you’re alone because of what you did. No. Uh-uh. You’re alone because of what you
didn’t
do.”
Opening my eyes, I wait for whatever he is going to say.
“You didn’t walk away.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Past…
Tick, tick, tock.
One day. The more I thought about his words, the more disturbed I became.
One day and then what?
After Miss Shrieve walked me back to her office, she asked me a ton of questions, none of which I answered. Instead, I sat there thinking about Grayson.
Numb—I felt numb.
“When did this start, Addison?”
“How did he approach you?”
“What he did was wrong. He should never have gotten involved with you. Did he ever hurt you?”
“I need to call your parents.”
The last comment had my head snapping up and my eyes meeting hers.
“No, not yet,” I begged.
“Addy, I can’t—”
“You told him you’d give him a day,” I reminded her.
“Yes…
him
.”
“If you call my parents, they will go—”
“Crazy? As they should, Addison. I still can’t believe it.”
Lowering my gaze to avoid her judgment, I started to fidget with my nails.
Tick, tick, tock.
Her clock was loud in my mind as I sat there trying to think, trying to work out what he’d meant by asking for more time.
One day. One more day to do what?
“Addison? You can
never
see him again. Do you know what is going to happen to him tomorrow?”
Gritting my teeth, I could feel the tears coming back and I wanted to yell at her,
Shut up! Shut up and let me think!
Where was Grayson? Did he go home? What must he be thinking?
I needed to get to him before…before what? I didn’t even know.
One day.
“He’ll be suspended and unable to work, followed by felony charges and jail time.”
“No!”
I shouted at her. “He did nothing wrong. You can’t do this to him!”
“Addy, I haven’t done anything. He did.”
I glowered at her, angry that she would dare threaten this man. This remarkably
good
man. Was I angry with her or myself? Who had really done this to him?
Me
.
I felt sick as everything I’d done leading up to this moment flashed through my mind, and all I could see was him saying no and me—
not listening.
“Addison, I have to call your parents,” Miss Shrieve repeated, almost as if she were sorry. Not sorry enough, though, because she still reached for the phone.
“I thought you liked him.”
My voice was barely a whisper in the room, but it made her pause for a moment and then she placed the phone back down. “I do…
did
like him, Addy. Before I knew—”
“Before you knew
what
? You don’t know anything. He
helped
me…” My voice faded, and I wiped away a tear. “Is that so bad?”
“No, Addison. Helping you isn’t the problem, and I think you know that. He should never have been kissing you the way he was or touching you.” She stopped for a minute and then asked bluntly, “Was there more to it? Were you two intimate?”
I knew this was the moment she expected me to open up and trust her, but she was in for a big disappointment. Instead, I stared at the woman who was trying to ruin the man I loved—and shut all the way down.
“Addison?”
With my face an inscrutable mask, I remained silent.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Addison. He…”
As she kept talking, I made the decision to flip the switch. To forget everything that Grayson and I had done.
I concentrated on the—
tick, tick, tock
—and let the madness come and devour me once again.
* * *
Fuck!
I slammed my palm against the steering wheel as I sped home.
The entire way I kept checking over my shoulder, expecting cop cars to pull in behind me with flashing lights.
Guilty.
Yes, I was fucking guilty. Guilty of loving the wrong person at the wrong time.
Pulling into my drive, I jumped out of my truck and made my way into the house. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of what I’d done with Addison here.
Jesus, I’d deluded myself. How’d it come to this?
How did I convince myself that somehow we wouldn’t get caught, that I wasn’t throwing my life away? But tomorrow...tomorrow I’d be fired. Worse, I’d be charged like some kind of fucking sexual predator. All because of a quick…
No
.
This wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t even about a kiss.
I needed to get fucking real. I’d done it and would do everything all over again just for a moment with her. For her smile, her laughter, and the way she looked at me with absolute trust in her eyes.
Addison had been hungry for guidance, acceptance, and love—and I’d reveled in having the power to give it all to her.
I marched to the kitchen, grabbed the scotch and a glass and saw my father’s pen sitting on the counter.
Picking it up, I studied the engraving and remembered getting it made for him. I ran my finger over the letters and felt as though they were mocking me.
Son, if you want her heart—go and take it.
Somehow, I didn’t think he’d be too happy I took his advice. I poured more than I should have of the scotch and raised it.
“Cheers, old man.”
I raised the glass to him and then slammed it back before closing my eyes.
I pictured Addison with tears on her cheeks and fear in her eyes as she’d walked away with Helene earlier—scared. Then I remembered the day in the field with the sun shining over her when I’d stupidly promised to keep her safe.
Who am I kidding? I can’t even keep myself safe.
Lifting the bottle, I poured another glass and swirled the contents around.
What the fuck was I going to do now? Tomorrow by three, everyone would know what I’d done and that would be it.
Over. Finished.
I’d never see her again. Never touch her. And I would never know what would become of her.
I downed the contents of my glass. The prospect of never knowing was a worse punishment than the public or any judge could give me.
I dropped my head into my hands, remembering Addison’s words,
I’m your monster.
She was so very wrong. I was honest enough to admit I was fighting myself.
I’d become my own monster.
* * *
Present…
“You have a big day tomorrow,” Doc says with a smile.
We’re back in the library, where I spend all my days now, studying for the test that is almost here.
“Yep. It’s such a long test.”
“How long, again?”
“Seven or so hours,” I tell him, turning the page in my textbook.
“That
is
long. Are you taking it here?” he asks and I raise a brow.
“No, I was going to break out and do it at the public library.”
Doc’s smile is warm and slightly…smug.
“Okay, Miss Smarty Pants. I
meant
are you going to take it here in the library?”
Grinning at him, I nod. “Yep. At 9 a.m.”
“Do you have everything you need?” he asks as he clasps his hands on top of the table. I look at the face I now consider to be friendly.
“Yeah, I think so,” I tell him before going back to the book in front of me.
“Addy?”
“Hmm?” I respond, figuring Doc will just keep talking as usual. When he doesn’t, I stop reading the paragraph I’m on and glance up. “Yes?”
“Make sure you have pencils tomorrow. You can’t use a pen.”
I look at the pen sitting beside the textbook on the table and reach out to touch the shiny gold trim. I’ll just take it with me then.
It’s my good luck and my hope, and I’m hanging on to it.
Just as that thought enters my mind, Doc’s voice filters through. “You should always have one or two, just in case. Here,” he says, sliding three pencils over to me.
I reach forward to take them, and he places a warm, calming hand over mine.
“Addy?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m proud of you.”
I can’t help but smile as he gives me a gentle squeeze before lifting his hand.
“I just wanted you to know that.”
Gripping the pencils, I hold them to me as if they are worth as much as the
Mont Blanc.
Now I have two good luck charms.
Doc has always been on my side, even when I was fighting him every step of the way. My parents may have lost their direction and turned into pitiful examples of what a role model should be, but they did one thing right.
They gave me Doc.
* * *
Past…
I sat with Miss Shrieve as she dialed my mom’s number and pressed the phone to her ear, and before I even thought about it, I was up and reaching for the door.
I could hear her shouting my name as I sprinted down the hall toward the exit. I didn’t stop as I pulled my bag around and yanked out my keys.
I had no idea what I was doing as I jumped inside the car and started the engine. As I left the parking lot, I saw my coach come to a stop at the gate in my rearview mirror.
My blood was pumping with adrenaline as I weaved through the traffic in front of me.
I couldn’t let this happen. Not to him.
I had to tell him how sorry I was and tell him to go, to run. He needed to leave—now.
Making it to his house in record time, I got out of the car and ran to the front door, my breath coming fast as I pounded on it and waited.
I knew we didn’t have much time.
Miss Shrieve would’ve already called my parents by now—and possibly the principal at this point.
I rapped my knuckles on his door again, and heard the locks click and the handle turn. Standing back, I waited as he pulled the door open, and when he came into view, I couldn’t help but launch myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath until his arms embraced me, and I exhaled in relief.
I touched his face, running the back of my hand down his jaw. “We need to leave.”
“What?” he asked, pulling away. “No, Addison. I can’t leave.”
“Yes, we both can. We can drive away. I can dye my hair. You could shave yours. Then we can ditch the truck somewhere and—”
“Addison.
Addison
,” he cut in, smoothing a hand down over my hair. “I can’t do that. Then what? We live on the run? No, I’ve done enough. I can’t do that to you.”
Loosening his hold, he stepped back and asked in a gentle, but firm tone, “What are you doing here? You heard Helene. You’re supposed to stay away from me and tomorrow I’m going to—”
“What? Turn yourself in? Go to
jail?
Do you know how ridiculous that is? I
wanted
this!”
Running his hands through his hair, Grayson spun away from me and cursed. “
Fuck
, Addison! It doesn’t matter! No one will care. It’s over!
This
…this is over!”
I bit down on my lip to keep back the cry that was threatening to break free. His words were harsh and cut deeper than any knife ever could.