Vengeance Bound (26 page)

Niko rolls over and groans. “Well, besides work calling my mom and telling her I haven’t shown up in more than a week, the school has been calling her and threatening to expel me if I’m not in class tomorrow. She’s pissed, and a little worried. She thinks I’m on drugs, especially since Amber made the paper. They’re talking about charging her as an adult.” He sighs and runs his hand through his hair. I trace the same path, winding a silky curl around my finger. He’s so preoccupied that he doesn’t really notice. “I need to hang out at home for the next couple of days, just until my mom calms down. What really got her worried was Mindi. I guess she called her a couple of times as well, crying.”

I stare at him, afraid to say anything, terrified where this conversation is going. Niko puts a warm hand on my knee, and it feels so nice that it’s hard to remember he’s about to give me the brush-off. “Let me take care of this, get my shit together. I have to at least talk to Mindi. My mom and her dad are still friends, and he’s been through a lot, you know? I can’t let anything happen to Mindi. Not like last time.”

I like that Niko’s such a sweet guy, but it’s hard to appreciate his sensitivity when his concern for others is directed at another girl, even if she is my friend.
Was,
I mentally correct. She probably won’t want anything to do with me after she finds out about Niko and me.

Still, I don’t want Niko to go. I swear inwardly and hide my face in my hands, disappointment settling over my shoulders like a funeral shroud. “I knew this couldn’t last.”

Niko sits up and gently takes my hands in his. “Hey, this doesn’t change anything. Mindi and I still have clear boundaries. And you and I will see each other at school and everything. We still need to figure out how to get rid of the Furies. Nothing’s changed.”

I nod, but I can’t really believe it. As soon as we let reality intrude, things will get complicated. Right now they’re simple. I want Niko. Niko wants me. End of story.

But when we go back to school, things will be different. Mindi will be upset, probably inconsolable. Tom and Jocelyn will probably side with Mindi, since they’ve been friends with her longer. Adam will most likely be hurt, and Amber will hate me.

Okay, so not everything will be different.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go back.” Now that my time with Niko is creeping to an end, all of my problems come rushing back. Dr. Goodhart. My false enrollment and the school guard’s assault. I itch to be on the move, but I don’t want to go by myself. I want Niko by my side.

He looks at me and gives me a kiss on my forehead. “Of course you’re going back. It’s only a few months until graduation, and you have to get your diploma. Even a slacker like me knows that.” He grins, and my middle turns to mush.

One of the things I love about Niko is his innate goodness. I like that he’s the opposite of me, always willing to look on the bright side, to speak words of encouragement when they’re needed most. He’s a good person, and he feels obligated to make everything better even if it means shortchanging himself. If I can delay him leaving to “fix” things, I will.

But the opportunity to keep him by my side has already slipped through my grasp. Niko climbs off the bed and gathers his stuff from where it has landed around my apartment over the past few days. Clothes, a couple of movies he brought, his video game system. Watching him clean up his stuff and cram it into his backpack is like seeing him pack up little pieces of our time together.

I’m surprised to find tears pricking my eyes, and I quickly blink them away. I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t help it. I slide off the bed and help Niko gather up the rest of his things. It takes less time than I would like, and afterward we stare at each other in the uncomfortable silence. I should say something, but I’m no good at this type of thing.

Niko stands by the door, his backpack over his shoulder and sadness etched on his face. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I mean, it’ll just be you and Them. I know you said They’ve been quiet and all—”

“I’ll be fine,” I say, waving away his concern. I force a smile. I won’t let him know that I’m terrified of being alone, and of what will happen once They realize he’s gone.

He gives me a wistful smile and a peck on the lips before disappearing out the door. He doesn’t even say good-bye, and I close the door before I give in to the urge to beg him to stay.

I collapse on the couch and reach for Them, but I find only silence and a curious emptiness. I feel around in the back of my mind, the mental equivalent of probing a back tooth with your tongue. I can sense Them still back there, nestled in tight, but I can’t reach Them. I throw my arm over my face and fight the melancholy that threatens to completely overwhelm me.

I always end up alone.

OUTCAST, CAST OUT

Right away I know that something at school has changed. Girls give me the evil eye as I walk down the hallway, and guys whisper about me after I pass. I don’t see Niko all morning, and Mindi is suspiciously absent from my chemistry class. I’m starting to feel like I imagined the past few weeks, when Niko finally sends me a text midmorning: Wont be at lunch, wait 4 me after school?

My stomach sours when I read the text. I came to school only to spend time with Niko, and I’m more than a little afraid of seeing the rest of the group without him. After all, I’m the interloper. Mostly I just don’t feel grounded without Niko around. He’s like a drug, but my addiction to him clears my mind and helps me function, something Dr. Goodhart’s cocktails never truly did.

And secretly I’m afraid what will happen if Niko doesn’t reappear. During the time I spent with him, I actually considered finding a way to get rid of Them. Now I can feel the dark urges creeping back in, even though They are still alarmingly silent.

I push all of this aside and send Niko a quick
okay
with a happy face. I can’t let him know how messed up my head is, and not just from Their presence. I think I might be genuinely screwed up, and I don’t want to scare him off.

I spend the next couple of classes fighting to control the alternating sadness and rage that threatens to swallow me whole. Sadness because I want Niko, and rage because I hate being trapped in the school when I should be planning my escape from West County. I wonder if They have something to do with my roller-coaster emotions, but I haven’t heard a peep out of Them. Still, it’s strange to feel so much so quickly, especially since I’ve felt next to nothing for a very long time.

The only bright spot in the day is English. We have an open library period, and I manage to snag a computer and research Dr. Goodhart’s position at the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare. From the unhelpful website I find out that the Department of Mental Health falls under the Department of Public Welfare. I can’t find out anything about the employees without hacking through the back door of the site, and it doesn’t seem like the best idea to do it with my English teacher walking around.

It’s frustrating, but it also delays the inevitable question of which one I’ll pick—revenge or love.

All too soon it’s lunchtime.

I bump into Jocelyn in the hall right before lunch. She is breathless and excited, and her eyes dart back and forth. I wonder if she was trying to avoid me. I debate making some excuse, but she talks before I think of anything. “So, is it true that you and Niko are an item now?”

The question catches me off guard, and I shrug. “Not sure.”

Jocelyn rolls her eyes and hooks her arm through mine, leading me to the lunchroom. Her overt affection is surprising, since I expected a very different reaction. I am, after all, the crush-stealing whore. I heard the whispers in the hall, most likely started by Jocelyn, queen of gossip. “Don’t lie. Niko told Tom that he broke up with Mindi to be with you.”

I stare at her. “I thought they weren’t dating.”

She waves away my statement, and I realize they weren’t. Already Jocelyn is twisting the story around in her mind to make it more interesting. Suddenly Mindi’s unrequited love becomes a girl betrayed by her friend, which is much more scandalous. Jocelyn seriously needs to get a life.

She keeps talking, oblivious to the look I give her. “Oh, they weren’t dating, but it’s still harsh, you know? I mean, they’ve been friends since, like, forever. Anyway, I figured the reason you two haven’t been to school is because you guys ran off to get married.”

I shake my head, uncomfortable with the conversation. “No, I was sick.” Jocelyn keeps talking a mile a minute, going on and on about how she knew Niko and I would end up together. She doesn’t mean what she’s saying. She’s just looking for gossip to pass on. I know that’s the case from the shadowed looks she gives me when she thinks I’m not looking.

Why did I even bother coming back to school?

We stand in the lunch line. I should be out planning my escape from West County. I’m not going to see Niko until after school. I can tell him everything then. Why am I standing here staring at a bowl of brown bananas?

Jocelyn and I pick up our food, an orange for me and a slice of pizza for her. My mind is crammed so full of leaving that I’m not paying attention when she seamlessly changes topics.

“Oh, did you hear? Amber is supposed to be coming back to school today.”

Jocelyn and I are the first to arrive at the table. “Oh?” It’s the most I can get out. The thought of having a confrontation with Amber terrifies me. For the first time I kind of miss Them. Their constant dialogue made it hard to worry about anything more than keeping Them happy, and the only fear I felt was fear of discovery. With Them gone, every emotion bruises.

I peel my orange, only half-paying attention, while Jocelyn keeps talking. I fight down a yawn and rub my eyes. I slept miserably last night; my thoughts kept drifting to Niko, the things left unsaid, and my next steps. I couldn’t help but think that his leaving so quickly had more meaning than just trying to placate his mother.

I take a deep breath and set down my orange. I can’t turn off my brain, and I have to get out of here. I can’t stand to spend another moment in this place.

I’ll never be normal. And I think I’m okay with that.

“Ohmigod, there she is. Wow, she looks like hell.” At Jocelyn’s anxious whisper I turn around to see Amber walking in with Adam. She’s hanging all over him, looking at him like he’s a celebrity, which he’s probably enjoying.

I watch Adam and Amber walk to the lunch line, oddly in step, like they’ve been together since the beginning of time. Jocelyn looks at them nuzzling up to each other and snickers. “God, she’s lucky he bailed her out, but she’s just being ridiculous.”

I pause, a section of orange halfway to my mouth. “Adam bailed Amber out?”

Jocelyn looks at me in shock. “Haven’t you heard a single word I’ve said? Amber’s mom and dad freaked and thought it’d be a good lesson for her to stay in jail until her court date. She called all of us, begging us to see whether we could come up with the money for her bail.” She rolls her eyes. “Her bail was, like, five thousand dollars. As if any of us have that kind of money.”

“But Adam does?”

She snorts. “I guess. Probably from dealing. He’s such a lowlife.” Jocelyn sighs. “I should’ve gone out with him when I had the chance. Tom is always broke.”

I’m pretty sure I hate her.

Amber and Adam settle down at the other end of the table from Jocelyn and me, and even though they are within earshot, they ignore us like we aren’t sitting there. Jocelyn gives me a worried glance, but I just keep eating my orange, the maelstrom of emotions inside me swelling to epic proportions. I have to get out of here. There’s no reason to stay, and I can’t handle this. I’m not prepared for the rawness of the emotions battering me, mostly the fear. Niko keeps telling me how it’s a small town, and everyone knows where everybody lives. Someone could figure out my secret.

Like Amber. Now that she’s out, will she pick back up where she left off, making my life miserable? I need to get out of town.

Tom comes in, takes one look at the split table, and turns to leave. The look on his face is too much for me, and I already can’t bear to sit in the lunchroom one more minute. I call out to him as he heads to an empty table.

“Sit here. I was just leaving.”

A look of embarrassment flashes across Tom’s face before he gives me a relieved smile. I pick up my tray of orange peels and stand. I’m the cause of the schism in the group, and there’s no point in pretending otherwise. The only person I want to talk to is Niko, and he’s not here.

I dump the peels from my tray and go to leave the lunchroom. I’m almost out the door, when there’s a hand on my shoulder. I spin around, ready to drop into a crouch. Amber gives me a twisted smile and crosses her arms.

“Thanks for setting me up, you bitch,” she spits. I stare at her, openmouthed, wide-eyed like a deer in headlights.

“What?”

“You don’t think I know it was you? Where’d you get the drugs? You a dealer
and
a whore?”

It takes a long moment for what she’s saying to click. She thinks I had something to do with her drug charge. I don’t get a chance to defend myself, because she keeps talking. “It doesn’t matter how hard you try to fit in. We both know you don’t belong here.” Her words hit me like a slap, because it’s exactly what I’ve thought more than once.

I turn and push through the double doors, fleeing the cafeteria and the whole damn school.

Amber is right. I don’t belong. My throat tightens and I choke back tears.

It’s time for me to go. The scary thing is, if Niko won’t come with me, I might just lose him forever.

THE SPACE BETWEEN MEEK AND MENTALLY INSANE

I wait in my car, watching for Niko. Other than his text message I haven’t seen or heard from him, and after Amber’s confrontation in the lunchroom, I’m worried. I really thought for a moment she would try to rip my throat out.

I’m not sure why Amber thought I put drugs in her locker, though. Does she think someone set her up? And if someone did set her up, who was it? The Furies? Did They use Their newspaper clipping trick on Amber, exchanging marijuana for the front page?