Authors: Pamela Sargent
Dyami looked up at the airship's screen; the flatter land of the Lakshmi Plateau stretched before him. He and Teo had shared other moments alone after their first encounter, but Dyami had never been able to shed his fear; it was always there, waiting to make him pay for a moment of joy with hours of despair and dread.
He had never admitted his fear to Teo, who took his pleasure without inhibition and felt only contentment when it was past. But Teo must have sensed something was wrong; he had never been able to ease Dyami during his brooding silences afterward. He had not been surprised when Teo began to hint that he had found a couple of other companions; Teo had wanted to give him some joy and had failed.
Since then, except for an infrequent meeting with Teo when his desire had grown too great, Dyami had lived without love. Even in Turing, where he knew there were a few others like himself, he had never betrayed what he felt. Turing might not always be the refuge it was now; his fear had not left him even there. He was safe only if he hid what he was. If he reached out to anyone else, he risked an interaction that might create its own pattern of disorder, one he could not map mathematically or control, one that might lead to shame and disgrace.
He thought of Teo, whom he might have loved, and Balin, the Habber he knew he loved now. He wished that the communion of thought he shared with Balin were enough to ease the aching inside himself.
* * *
Teo was waiting for Dyami just outside Oberg's bay. The dark-haired young man shook his hand lightly, but the warmth in his eyes was that of a lover. Dyami's eyes narrowed as he stepped back; under Teo's open dark vest, barely visible against his gray tunic, he saw the black and red sash of Ishtar.
"You didn't have to meet me," Dyami said.
"It's no trouble. I'm working in the main dome now with a team of lab technicians, tending to all those little details so that the chemists aren't unnecessarily distracted. Didn't I tell you in my last message?"
"I don't think so." Dyami was silent until they were past the pilots' dormitory and near the greenhouse complex. "I never thought I'd see you wearing the sash," he said in a lower voice. He felt a twinge of fear; maybe Teo had changed.
"You don't think it means anything, do you? My parents decided to join. It would have looked strange to them if I hadn't, especially since I'm not living with them now. This way, they can rest assured that the son they have their doubts about is safely part of the fellowship."
"You didn't tell me you'd moved either."
"Didn't get a chance — I only moved about a month ago. I put up a small house in the southwest dome. I had to set up another household — hiding some of what I do was getting to be troublesome."
"A household?" Dyami asked.
"A friend who's like us — he's not my lover, but at least I don't have to hide anything from him — and two women who are lovers and don't want anyone to find out. It's a convenient arrangement for all of us."
Dyami's hand trembled a little as he adjusted the duffel hanging from his shoulder. He could not imagine trusting others that way, even people who were like him. A sudden surge of guilt, or shame, or anxiety over being found out could lead one of the others to betray his friend.
"You can meet them while you're here," Teo continued. He glanced up at Dyami's face. "Don't look so nervous. They don't know about us, and I won't be the one to tell them. They think you're only my close childhood friend, and they'll be happier if they think you don't know about them."
"Then maybe you shouldn't have told me."
"I can trust you," Teo said easily. "People like us have to be damned sure about who's trustworthy. Anyway, we've all joined Ishtar, so we're quite respectable. We can go to meetings and tell anyone who approaches us that we prefer to share the rite among ourselves, and if it can't be avoided — well, I've found I can steel myself and pretend I'm with a man." He laughed. "It isn't too bad once you get used to it. A couple of women have even complimented me on my vigor. If they only knew —" Teo chuckled again. "My parents have been quite pleasant to me since I moved out, even though they were somewhat disappointed that I did. They can be happy believing that either Haru or Sharla will eventually become my bondmate or thinking that my housemates and I will move closer to perfection and live the way your sister's household does." Teo was smiling, but Dyami caught the bitterness in his tone. He had chosen denial; Teo had chosen deception.
"Speaking of your sister," Teo went on, "I suppose you must know about the child she's planning to have."
Dyami raised his brows. "No, I didn't."
"I know you don't have a fellowship in Turing rushing to spread good news about our Guide, but I thought one of the pilots might have told you on the way back. Chimene and Boaz Huerta have stored their genetic material so that they can have a child together. Our Guide's precious genes will be preserved."
"Why didn't they just have their implants removed? They're young enough."
"Apparently they want to wait," Teo replied. "Maybe Chimene thinks a pregnancy now would unnecessarily deprive her of her enjoyment of our rite. Of course, we're all overjoyed that, whatever happens to Chimene or Boaz later, they've made that commitment to leaving a child among us."
Dyami's mouth twisted. "How delightful — a potential relative who's Boaz's child." He had met the man only a few times; he had noticed how Chimene occasionally glanced at him, as if she were uncertain of herself without him. Whenever he thought of Boaz Huerta, he felt fear.
"That reminds me," Teo said. "Maybe you haven't heard this joke in Turing. The Guide and her housemates are sharing the rite, and they get carried away with their exertions, and by the time they're finished, they've worked up quite an appetite. So they go to their kitchen but find out they're practically out of food. Well, that's not a problem, since they figure someone else can feed them, so they go over to another house."
"Go on," Dyami said. "I haven't heard this one."
"This household's in Ishtar and you are supposed to share, so they get out a gigantic repast for the Guide and her friends. After they're finished, they realize they're very thirsty, so they go to another house and drink up most of the liquor in the place — but that's all right because they're with brothers and sisters, and you are supposed to share."
Teo took a breath before continuing. "All that drinking just gets them all hungry again, so they go to a third house, get everyone out of bed, and have another meal — some imports from the Islands and just about everything you can imagine, and they wash that down with some wine. Then, as they're staggering home, the Guide says, 'It's a wonder everyone doesn't join Ishtar! See how much better off we are when we share?' "
Dyami laughed a little. They were near the Buddhist temple, not far from the tunnel to the west dome. Teo suddenly pushed him toward the trees and groped at his groin; Dyami gasped. "Not here," he whispered.
"You're already hard." Teo fondled him; Dyami was afraid that in a moment he would be unable to control himself. "You'd think you hadn't had any in a long time."
Dyami managed to push his friend's hand away. "I haven't — not since I left."
"A year and a half?" Teo's eyes widened with astonishment. "But you've been in Turing. The Habbers probably wouldn't care, and I doubt anyone else would bother you. I know there are a few people like us there — it's one of the reasons some of them wanted to work up there."
"I guess I haven't seen anyone I wanted that much." It was easier to say that than to tell the other man about his fears.
"Well, we'll have to do something about that." They left the trees and walked toward the main road and the tunnel. "Your parents will want you to themselves tonight, but I'll come by tomorrow — I've got some time off."
"Not there. We shouldn't —"
"No, not there. I know a place — well, you'll see."
* * *
The household welcomed him effusively, but Dyami quickly saw how strained Sef's greetings were. His father had changed; Sef's face was thinner and he poked at his food; he had lost his usually hearty appetite. His gold-flecked brown eyes had a wary expression; Sef was clearly troubled.
The rest of the household listened as Dyami spoke of his work, but Risa kept glancing toward her bondmate. Sef had always been so open; what could he be hiding now?
Dyami did not get a chance to speak to his mother alone until the others drifted off to bed. He led her outside, then stopped in front of their greenhouse.
"I have to ask you," Dyami said. "How long has Sef been like this? Something's wrong."
"I know that."
"Hasn't he said anything to you?"
"No." Risa's face was hidden in the darkness. "I've tried to ask, but that just makes him more unhappy. The past couple of months — he's been moody and he's home later from the meetings. I think he's been staying for the rite all those times, but I promised myself I wouldn't question him about that. I keep telling myself it doesn't mean anything to him."
"Do you think he's started to believe in it?" Dyami asked. "I thought that was just a ruse."
"It isn't that — I'm sure of that much. I thought having you home might cheer him a bit, but it doesn't seem to make any difference."
A woman, Dyami thought. An encounter during the rite might have grown into something more. Risa might refuse to admit it to herself until she was confronted with the fact, and Sef was incapable of hurting her in that way. He could understand his father; he had hidden his own secret long enough. But Sef, unlike him, was not accustomed to years of secretiveness and deception.
"Maybe you can speak to him," Risa said. "He might find it easier to talk to you. I just wish —"
"I'll see. Maybe he just needs to work through whatever it is by himself. He loves you enough not to want to burden you with his troubles." He was beginning to wish he had never come home to this mire of emotion, to people who claimed to love him without really knowing him.
* * *
Dyami left the house with Teo just as the light was beginning to fade. Risa and Noella had come home only a little while earlier; as far as they knew, he was having supper at Teo's house and would sleep there so that he would have more time to reminisce with his friend. He had been apprehensive about accepting Teo's mysterious invitation; the other man had still not told him where they were going. Now he felt a little relieved at escaping his mother's troubled gaze.
"What's it like being home again?" Teo asked.
Dyami shrugged. "I must have been given the name of every eligible young woman in Oberg at breakfast. Risa seems convinced that they're all just waiting to throng around me."
Teo grinned. A conspiratorial look was in his eyes, as if he and Dyami were off on yet another boyish adventure. They walked along the main road, stepped aside as a cart passed, then turned toward the tunnel to the southwest dome.
"Well?" Dyami said. "Where are we going?"
"Patience." The smaller man nodded at five people leaving the tunnel; inside, two patrol members were already on duty. Teo smiled at them as they walked by, but his dark eyes were grim. He did not speak until they had entered the dome.
"We'll wait for a cart." Teo stepped into the main road. The southwest dome seemed larger than the others, but that was because fewer houses had been built here so far. Clusters of houses stood at the edge of a wide grassy plain, a few of them still under construction; the slender trees bordering the road were hardly more than saplings.
"Where are we going?" Dyami asked again.
"To a friend's. I told you I'd take care of you. You'll meet other men there, ones like us."
Dyami tensed. "What do you mean?"
"I told you. You won't be deprived for long. At least one of them's sure to take a liking to you."
He clutched Teo's shoulder. "You must be mad." Teo shook off his hand. "What kind of risk are you taking?"
"It isn't a risk. You can trust these people, and if you're with me, they won't have any suspicions about you. Do you really think I wouldn't be careful about something like this?"
"But the patrol —"
"No one will see us enter the house," Teo said, "and you can either stay there for the night or find someone who can guide you to the road when the patrol's not in the vicinity. It's not hard to dodge them — I've done it often enough. The worst that can happen is that the ones back at the tunnel will ask where you were and where you're going, and you can say you were at my house — it's not far from where we're going."
"And what happens if they call your housemates to check on that?"
"They know you're my friend. They'll cover for you. They'd lie to the patrol anyway on general principles."
"You told them about me!" Dyami said.
"I didn't tell them anything. They can guess where I'll be, but they won't know you're there. It probably won't even come up — that pair saw us in the tunnel just now, so they'll assume you were visiting me." Teo folded his arms. "What's the matter, Dyami? Scared?" He sounded the way he had whenever he had dared Dyami into an exploit. "Do you think you can just keep it all inside and get along without it? You'll just get more frustrated, and then you're a lot more likely to try something foolish."
"I thought maybe we — that you'd found a place where we could be alone."
"We'll have our moments, don't worry, but I've gotten to the point where I need more excitement once in a while. Once you're there, you might like it more than you expect." Teo moved to the cart as it came toward them. "Just think of it as your way of striking back at Ishtar."
But this wasn't a blow against Ishtar. Teo and his friends could probably accommodate themselves to the cult's presence as long as nothing happened to them. Ishtar would do better to ignore such people altogether, but he supposed many in the fellowship were too fervent in their faith to be practical.
Teo greeted the few passengers aboard the cart and was soon talking to one young couple. Dyami looked away as he tried to compose himself. His fear was still with him, but it was now tinged with anticipation. It had been too long; he could never have been so reckless otherwise.