Vessel (20 page)

Stef didn’t struggle or cry, but her eyes, brimming with tears, followed me everywhere. She gripped my hand as Tiber strapped her down. She didn’t speak, her movements extremely small and slow, but when her lips moved I thought they formed the words “thank you.”

I squeezed her hand to reassure her. Weevil grabbed my arm to get my attention and handed me the hood I’d dropped.

“Put this on. It’s nearly time.”

I took it, but my eyes never left Stef’s.

“I’m sorry,” I mouthed before putting on the hood.

She closed her dark eyes for the last time, as if she were falling asleep, and never opened them again. Tiber and Weevil paid no attention as we moved into the darkness toward the bonfire. The crowd hadn’t seen us yet, but their shouts already deafened me. My heart hammered against my ribs in time with the rhythm of their collective pounding roar.

Anders gestured and shouted on the platform above them, but I couldn’t hear a word. For that I was grateful.

Stef didn’t add much weight to the litter. I let Tiber take the front since he was so keen on going. I could pretend I was somewhere else, follow blindly without paying attention. Anders grinned at me as we climbed the steps of the platform. This was my punishment; Tiber’s reward. Physical torture broke Tiber. Anders planned mental torture to break me, I knew that now.

He knew best how to cut each person so it hurt the worst. I hated him, hated what my life had become. Had every Reticent been trained this way? Did Bane do this?

Alana told me to try to escape. Maybe I could and get her out of Gora somehow, but I couldn’t think of any way to manage it. To run now meant never seeing her again. I was sure of that.

The screams of the faithful enveloped us now, drowning out every other noise. Stef squeezed her eyes shut even tighter. She heard the noise around us. I hoped she wasn’t afraid, that she understood the pin would help her.

We reached Anders and stood Stef up next to him the way we’d been instructed. Strapped to the litter, she couldn’t move, but her head dropped to her chest. Anders didn’t seem to think anything of it. He raised his arms to the crowd.

“Oh, Sinner! Your hour has arrived! Let Mother Sun cleanse you in her eternal fires. May you join her forever.”

Tiber pushed Stef toward the fire. I released her and let him finish the deed. Safe inside my hood, I shut my eyes. The screaming of the crowd, which I didn’t think could’ve been any louder, rose to a crescendo. These people didn’t care about the worship of Mother Sun. They were animals thirsting for blood, and Anders fed them. In that moment, I wished with all my heart that Mother Sun had destroyed humankind forever.

I didn’t sleep that night except for a few fitful minutes here and there; and when I did, my dreams were filled with sickening images of pale, burning flesh. I was thankful for the morning only because it meant we’d be traveling back to Gora Compound. I longed for the day this would be a distant memory.

We boarded the coach in silence. Anders seemed uninterested in conversation, and Tiber looked like he’d spent the night downing the remaining wine from our dinner. He leaned against the side of the coach and snored. I watched the scenery go by until my eyelids drooped too.

At midday, we stopped at a roadside tavern to stretch and have a bite to eat. They served fresh-slaughtered chicken, probably the last hen they had. The tavern owner doted on us, ordering his pitiful wives around to wait on our every need. Didn’t they know we were murderers? Couldn’t anyone see what utter nonsense the Reticents preached?

I picked at the food given to me, but I had no interest in eating.

“You don’t like it?” the worried owner asked me.

“It’s fine,” I assured him.

“Where’s your appetite, Recks?” asked Anders.

“He left it in Prague.” Tiber snickered at his own joke. He wolfed down his food with no trouble, demanding more tea.

“Something is on your mind, Recks. Out with it,” insisted Anders. I should’ve known better than to tell him my thoughts, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Have you ever wondered if there might be a better way to lead the people?” I asked.

“Better than what?”

“Better than executing them?”

Anders set his teacup carefully on the table and placed his hand down next to it. He looked intently at me, waiting for further explanation.

“I mean, if the Reticents could help people with their basic needs, teach them how to support their families, wouldn’t they be more loyal?”

“Mother Sun made us the Secret Keepers for a reason. Only us.”

But I knew, thanks to Master Bane, that Mother Sun was just a flaming gas ball in space like billions of other stars. There was no magical Mother to fear. Why did Anders insist there was? I watched his papery skin flush purple in cold, uncontained rage.

“When did Mother Sun say we should murder people in her name?”

Anders’s glower intensified, but his voice was clear and controlled. “This meal is over,” he declared and left the table without another word.

“Nice job, fool,” Tiber said to me, getting up from the table. “Destroying yourself saves me the trouble.”

I thanked the tavern owner for the meal since no one else had bothered. He stood wide-eyed, having heard every word of our conversation.

“Thank you, Master Recks, for your kindness,” he said, kissing my knuckles as if I were someone important.

“Don’t thank me. I haven’t done anything worthy of thanks.” I bid him farewell and followed Tiber outside.

Anders was already in the coach, but Tiber and Weevil stood on either side of the door waiting for me. They seized me by the arms and pulled me toward the coach while Anders watched from the window.

“I had high hopes for you. Above average intelligence, high memory capacity. It’s a shame you haven’t been able to learn discipline.”

What’s happening?

“I’ll try to do better, Master,” I said.

“The time for that is through. Take his robe. You’re no Reticent.”

Tiber ripped off my red robe with Alana’s pin still buried in the seam. The winter cold stung me without the cloak.

I’m not going back
, my mind screamed at me.
I’m not going back!
I struggled out of Weevil’s grasp and ran toward the coach.

“Master! Wait!”

I couldn’t be left here. I had to get back. I couldn’t leave Alana alone in that horrible place. I’d ruined everything. Tiber grabbed the back of my thin shirt and yanked me with enough force that I stumbled on the icy snow. I fell on my back, the blow knocking out my breath. Unable to speak, I lay there gasping. Mother’s Love was a bloody red. The forest around us seemed on fire.

“Leave him, Tiber. Weevil will finish him,” said Anders, opening the door of the coach and inviting him inside. Tiber hesitated. He wanted to beat me himself, but he wouldn’t disobey. Instead, he raised his knee to kick me in the ribs. I was ready though. I grabbed his foot and rolled, knocking him off balance. When he was on the ground with me, I punched his ugly face until Weevil dragged me off by my hair. I saw a bloodied, disheveled Tiber retreat to the carriage out of the corner of my eye just before Weevil leveled his baton at me. The electrical jolt drilled into my brain, and my world went black.

I waited by the window in the library that looked out over the road to Prague until I thought I might go mad from worry and fear. I hugged my robes tighter around myself, the cold from the window seeping into my bones. I distracted myself with library cataloging a few times, but it was of little use. No matter how much I hoped, I had a terrible feeling Recks was in danger. We all were; it was only a matter of time.

I wasn’t all that surprised when only two red-robed figures got out of the coach in the courtyard below, but I was terrified. I pushed my face against the glass, squinting against the darkness to be sure. Neither of the men was Recks. The coach Weevil usually drove was not with them either. I cursed myself for the pin. He must’ve been caught with the analgesic.
Could he have escaped?

It seemed unlikely given Anders’s calm demeanor. His stride was resolute but not urgent.
What does he know?
He could know everything or nothing. I tried to fight the panic I felt. I knew what we had to do. I just didn’t want to believe it. I’d been dreading this day for months. Only the thought of facing it with Recks made it bearable, and now he was gone again.

When I first found myself alone here, nothing could console me. I never wanted to cease to exist so much in my life, but I came to realize I wouldn’t go back into slavery if I could prove my worth. I’d gotten past the gate—something precious few ever did.

And when I saw Recks in the gymnasium that day, the day I failed my obstacle test, my heart came alive again. I’d been truly dead inside, the shell of a house with no hearth within. Now all that was taken from me again, threatening to plunge me into a darkness from which I’d never emerge.

I knew everything there was to know in the world; and yet, I couldn’t control my emotions. Kinder lectured me many times on the importance of this.

“Let there be no love, no sign of wanting in your heart. No good can come of it,” he said.

But he was wrong. Love was the only good thing worth having in the world. It was worth risking all else. Kinder had never known love obviously. How could he be expected to understand? And so I would nod and say, “Yes, Master,” knowing all the while he was a fool.

I hurried down a few rows to Kinder’s desk. He’d watched the forest all day, almost as neurotically as I had.

“Master, they’ve returned.” He raised his head from his book at the tone of my voice, thick with meaning. “There’s one less.”

“Recks?”

I nodded sadly. Kinder jumped up, leaving his volume on the seat behind him.

“It’s time then. You know what to do.”

Yes, I knew. He’d told me enough times, burned it into my memory banks. Even if I could’ve forgotten it, it’d always be there in my download. Some days I felt more machine than human but not today. Losing Recks again was more than unbearable. I turned and hurried away from him before Kinder could see my tears. He’d never understand.