V.J. Chambers - Jason&Azazel Apocalypse 01 (13 page)

“He stopped breathing,” I said. “You couldn’t find a pulse.” I still remembered the way I’d felt in the attic of Jason’s mother’s house. Jason’s brother had shot him in the head, and I’d been sure Jason was dead. But when I’d put my lips against his, Jason’s eyes had fluttered. He’d been okay. Had he come back to life? Healed himself? I used to think it wasn’t possible, and that, like Hallam was saying, we’d overestimated the damage Jason had sustained. But in light of what Nancy could do, maybe Jason was capable of healing himself.

“The more I know about this guy, the more I don’t like him,” Kieran said.

“Well, at any rate,” said Hallam, “it got me thinking about the nature of power and the nature of magic. Some of you know that I was trained by the Sons of the Rising Sun. They had very interesting ideas about power—sort of an amalgamation of all religious traditions. They believed it all described essentially the same thing and that the culmination of all of this would be in the Rising Sun—who they thought was Jason, of course. According to the Sons, all power was ancient and prophesied. Power was passed down along blood lines. It wasn’t very democratic, I suppose.” Hallam smiled.

“That’s why my power doesn’t make any sense,” said Nancy. “I didn’t inherit it. It just showed up.”

“Yes, exactly,” said Hallam. “Well, I first started working with the Order of the Fly immediately after the destruction of the Sons, when the American government was in shambles. Azazel was working through her own issues with her powers with their help. I thought I would find out a little about their philosophies.”

The OF hadn’t been of much help with my powers. They were ridiculously upbeat about everything, thinking that magic was for the good of humanity and everything else. They didn’t understand that my magic did nothing but cause people pain. It was destruction, pure and simple.

“The Order of the Fly believes, quite similarly to some of the ideas spouted by poets and magicians in the early part of the twentieth century,” said Hallam, “that magic can be invoked by certain images and ideas that gain great power—symbols, if you will.”

Kieran leaned forward in his chair. “Yeah, I remember this from my training. The idea is that symbols gain power because they’re recognized by the collective mind, right? Like everyone focuses on a cross for thousands of years, so it becomes a powerful symbol.”

“Right,” said Hallam. “But what if we took this a step farther? Nancy, you said that the people around here shunned you because they thought you were a witch, right? There was a powerful collective belief that you were a powerful being, and… now you are.”

Nancy furrowed her brow. “That’s true, I suppose.”

Hallam looked at me. “Of all people, Azazel, you and Jason have been the focus of so many people. And they’ve all believed you were powerful.”

Wait a second. I turned to Nancy. “You said something like that at your house yesterday. You said that it didn’t matter where the visions come from. If enough people believed them, they were true.”

“Did I?” Nancy said. “What I felt when I took your hand was so intense. There was so much turmoil.”

I turned to Hallam. “Is this true, Hallam? If this is true, then what Jason is saying could be right.

He could really be the Rising Sun. Not because the Rising Sun actually exists, but because enough people believed it did. He could have these powers because of that. And I could be…”

God. What was I, if Jason was the Rising Sun? Was I the Vessel of Azazel, born to kill him or was I his consort, meant to love him?

Hallam shrugged. “If it’s true, why is it happening now?”

“Maybe because the lights have gone out,” said Lily. “People are much more superstitious now.

There’s less belief that the world is rational and safe. People are much more likely to believe in possibilities.”

“Okay, but the people that thought Jason and I were powerful are all dead,” I said. “Do they still count?”

“Symbols are powerful not just because people believe in them now, but because people have believed in them historically,” said Kieran. “According to the OF, anyway.”

Damn it. “But everyone thought something different about us,” I said. “So what are we then?”

“Conflicted,” said Hallam. “And possibly very dangerous.”

“Okay,” I said, “but we can get that grimoire back from Jason. We have to get that. If we can get that, it has a ritual that will teach me to purge all of our power. Both of us. I can wipe us clean.

We won’t be a danger anymore.”

“Azazel,” said Hallam, “I don’t think that’s the answer.”

“The Key of Asher is more important as a tool to use magic for the good of others,” said Lily.

“The purging ritual is dangerous. It’s not something to be attempted by a novice. I wasn’t aware you even knew about it.”

“Why do you think I wanted that damned book?” I asked.

“I didn’t think you knew about Jason’s power,” said Hallam, confused. “You wanted the grimoire so you could purge his power?”

“No.” I stood up. “No, I didn’t want to purge his power. I wanted to purge mine. Why do you think I came all the way here from Georgia? It wasn’t so I could see Jason again, that’s for sure. I never wanted to see him again. I came so that I could get that freaking book, so that I could get rid of my power. I don’t want it anymore.”

Everyone looked shocked. No one said anything.

Fine. Screw them all. I stalked out of the room, slamming the door after me. I strode out of the church, onto the lawn. I’d walk up the street. I’d walk and walk and walk until I felt the anger seep away.

“Azazel!”

Great. Kieran. Why was he everywhere, all the time? I kept walking.

He ran up behind me. “Where are you going?”

“For a walk,” I said, not stopping.

“I’ll walk with you.”

“No. Go away,” I said.

He took my arm, and I shook him off. He took it again, harder this time, and yanked me to a stop, forcing me to face him.

“Are you serious?” he said. “That’s why you came here? Because you wanted to get rid of your magic?”

“I’m serious,” I said.

“How could you do that?” he asked. “How could you leave all of us in the lurch like that? We need your magic, Azazel. If we don’t have it, our job is disastrous.”

“Because of my magic, people get hurt,” I said. “They always get hurt.”

“You’re crazy,” he said, arms flailing. “Those are coincidences. Bad stuff happens all the time.

And it’s not your fault. You’re not causing it.”

“You have no idea,” I said. I spun on my heel and started walking again. At first I didn’t hear him behind me, but then the sound of his footsteps reached my ears. He was running to catch up.

“This isn’t fair,” he yelled after me. “You can’t do this!”

I walked faster.

He was behind me, right at my ear. He was out of breath, but he just kept talking. “I was assigned to protect you, because you are important to us. We all depend on you. Every single one of us on the team. If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t have been able to do all the good we’ve been able to do. And you want to throw it all away. I can’t believe you could be so undeniably selfish.”

I stopped. “Selfish?” I gaped at him. What did he mean?

“Yeah, selfish. You want a life where you don’t have to work for the government and put yourself in danger. You just want to sit back and be out of the action. But that’s not the way it works, okay? You have a gift. You have to use it for the good of humanity. Whether you like it or not. Okay?”

“What don’t you understand about the fact that my ‘gift’ doesn’t do any good for humanity?

Even when I try to do good, terrible things happen.”

“You want to see that, Azazel, but it’s not true.”

“It is true! You don’t know what happened with my niece.”

This didn’t faze him. “No. You’re believing a lie. And that’s not all. That’s not the only reason I can’t believe you’re trying to get rid of your power.”

I clenched my teeth. “Okay. What else?”

“Tonight, I had to watch you go into a dangerous situation, where we were shot at. And then I watched that Jason fuck-face wrestle on the ground with you and try to hurt you, maybe try to rape you, I don’t know—”

“Kieran, I’ve been doing dangerous things since we met.”

“Yeah, and you have magic. So I said to myself that you could take care of yourself. And I shouldn’t make an issue about it. But Azazel, you’re pregnant—”

“We don’t know that!”

“—and do you have any idea how scary it would be for me if I didn’t know that you had that kind of power? That you couldn’t protect yourself and our child—”

“God, Kieran, stop talking about it like that!” I screamed. I ran into him at full force and began beating my fists into his chest. At first I hit him hard, but then my punches grew weak. He grasped both my wrists. I sagged against him.

I convulsed into sobs.

Kieran pulled me close. He stroked my hair as I cried into his shirt. One of his arms was wrapped about my waist, and he held me tight against his body as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Right then, he seemed so strong and so powerful, and I felt so helpless and small. I didn’t care if that was actually true or not. For the moment, it was too comforting to be in Kieran’s arms and to let him whisper into my hair that everything was going to be okay. I clung to him, and I cried until I felt spent.

Even then, I didn’t pull away. I snuggled closer against him. My hands wandered over his chest.

He had a nice chest. I tilted my face up to look at him. He smiled down at me. The curve of his lips was so tender. He was such a nice, nice guy. What was wrong with me? Here he was, being awesome, and I was running from it. Did I have some block that kept me from being attracted to guys who weren’t actually bad for me?

I slid a hand up around Kieran’s neck, settling it behind his head. I moved his head down towards mine. He didn’t need more encouragement. His lips met mine eagerly.

Kieran was a warm, enthusiastic kisser. His lips and tongue moved against my own. I didn’t feel like the world was breaking apart. I didn’t feel like my limbs were exploding. Instead, I just felt warmth spreading throughout my body, engulfing both of us. He made me feel drowsy, safe, like being wrapped in a blanket on a cold day with a cup of cocoa in my hands. Comfortable. Safe.

Happy.

Then he pulled back. “Sorry,” he said. He let go of me.

Suddenly, everything felt very cold. I hugged myself. “What’s wrong?”

“You were upset,” he said. “I shouldn’t have taken advantage of that.”

I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wipe off all my tears. God, I’d been emotional lately. Was that a sign of pregnancy? Jesus. “I wanted you to,” I told the ground. I felt a little embarrassed.

“Sure, you did. When you were crying. But I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. You needed me to comfort you, not jump you.”

I giggled. “It was nice.”

He laughed. “Nice, huh?” He shook his head. “Okay.”

I was confused. “Is it bad that I thought it was nice?”

“No,” he said. “It’s fine. I thought it was much more than nice, though.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “We can just forget that happened, if you want. We don’t ever have to talk about it.” He turned and started back for the church.

I opened my mouth to call him back, but then I closed it. Maybe he was right. Maybe I’d kissed him because I was upset. Maybe we should just forget about it. Did I want a relationship with Kieran? He was gorgeous. He was sweet. He was good in bed. I liked kissing him. He was completely supportive of my possible pregnancy. He’d already told me he was falling for me.

Wasn’t that enough?

What did I want anyway? I turned and looked towards the road that led to Columbus-Belmont Park. I thought of Jason’s swollen face. I thought of his large, dark eyes. Did I want to rule the world?

I shook myself and headed after Kieran. I jogged to catch up with him, and when I did, I slid my hand into his. He gave me a startled look.

I smiled. “I thought it was more than nice too,” I said. What was a little white lie in the grand scheme of things? Kieran was clearly the better choice.

I awoke in Kieran’s arms. We were both zipped inside a sleeping bag that we’d gotten from the back of the Subaru. The morning breeze lifted my hair off of my bare shoulders. I opened my eyes, looking up at the morning sky, the grass and trees. I had done it again.

I shifted, maneuvering myself on to my back. How had this happened? Right, we were going to talk and we wanted to sit down, so Kieran suggested getting the sleeping bag. But I hadn’t been interested in talking, I’d just wanted to kiss Kieran more. I guess I was afraid if we talked, he might realize that I wasn’t sure how I felt about him at all.

Of course, a perfect reaction to a feeling like that was to have sex with him again. Damn it.

Kieran was only the fourth guy I’d ever had sex with. Besides Jason, I’d had a couple drunken hookups in college. Just like Kieran should have been. Nothing but a drunken hookup. That would have made things so much easier.

It wasn’t that I was a fan of one night stands in general or didn’t think that sex was better in a committed relationship with a person you loved. I thought that stuff. It was just that I had felt very, very deeply for Jason when we’d been together. It hadn’t been that long of a relationship, but it had been very intense. We went through scary stuff together. Our lives were in danger half of the time. Everything about our relationship had been frantic and extreme. I killed for him. I would have died for him. And even though I couldn’t be in a relationship with him anymore, it didn’t mean that it was easy to start another one.

Even now. I gazed at Kieran’s sleeping face. I liked him. I liked the way he made me feel. I liked how steady he was, and how much he cared about me. But I thought maybe something inside me was broken or something. I didn’t know if I could really love someone ever again. After the all-encompassing, forceful love I’d had for Jason, love that I’d felt with every fiber of my being, I didn’t know if anything else could ever measure up.

God. What was I doing? I was just going to screw Kieran up. Hell, I probably already had. What was I going to do?