Void (35 page)

GETTING USED TO WORKING at the cafe was a whole new beast. No stranger to being in the
service
industry, this was customer service not on any level that I had ever been on before. People were rude, the tips were horrible, yet I chose to come back here instead of going back to work at the agency. Did I think about it? Yes. Yet, I felt almost compelled to work at the café, like it was meant to be. Plus I really took a liking to Letta.

She was hardcore, gave as good as she got. Her laugh was contagious and I was hit with the threat of getting “fattened up” nearly every day from her. If I continued to eat all the delicious bread that I fed myself with, instead of having to allow my body to feel, I would be there in no time.

If I thought trying to understand emotions was hard, trying to turn them back off was even harder. How people lived through heartache every day was beyond me. It felt as if a piece of me was lost. I wanted to feel numb. I begged my mind to once again become the vacant parking lot of emotions like it had been nearly my entire life, but when it came to Andris, I found it nearly impossible.

“Table four is ready, Nicola,” the short order cook, Henry, yelled from the kitchen. I lifted my hand in acknowledgement as I jotted down another table’s order. Our lunch rush was just getting underway with the café getting louder and more crowded every minute. I heard the bell above the door ring as I walked to the counter to pick up table four’s food. When I turned around, I saw a dark haired girl take a seat at one of the only empty tables left in the far back corner of the café. There was a familiarity about her that I couldn’t quite catch on to, yet this was New York City. Nearly everyone had two or four doppelgangers running around.

I delivered table four’s order. Two business men who barely acknowledged my presence before placing the other table’s order with Henry. Then, I grabbed the pad of paper from my apron and made my way back to the back table where the dark haired girl sat.

“Hi. What can I get for you today?” I asked as I poised the pen above the pad of paper, waiting for her answer.

That is when she looked up at me and recognition set in.
Her normally bright eyes were dull and the luster in her skin was gone along with the glimmer of her dark hair. She looked thin. Very fragile. Her sunken, hollowed-out cheeks and the dark circles under her eyes told me she wasn’t well. She had red chipped nail polish on nails that were clearly bitten down to the quick of her skin. Her lips were pale and cracked, in need of serious moisture.

“Kiki?” I asked not believing it was her.

“Well, when Lexie told me you quit the agency, I thought she was just jerking my chain,” she said with a hint of disdain in her voice. “Guess not, huh?” She asked, looking me up and down, taking in my uniform.

“Yeah, well, I thought I would try a service of a different kind,” I said light heartedly, trying to get a smile out of her.

Nothing. If I would have said that the Pope died, I probably wouldn’t have even got as good as a reaction as I was getting right now.

“Trying to go legit or some shit, Jericho? I never took you for someone who played by the rules.”

“I guess sometimes people change.”

“Yeah, I guess they do. Bring me a triple expresso. I’ve been up all fucking night. I need a caffeine jolt,” she said, reaching into her purse and producing her electronic cigarette and taking a large draw from the contraption.

“Expresso. Got it.”

I walked away to place her order with the barista behind the counter and checked on a few of my other customers before returning to Kiki’s table. I took a seat in the other chair and placed my elbows on the table, just looking at her.

“What?” She asked, not looking up at me and irritation in her voice.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Kiki, but you look like shit.”

She looked up at me then, and I saw the redness in the white of her eyes.

“Well, I feel like shit. Thanks for pointing that out.”

“Is everything okay?” I asked, continuing to prod her.

“I’m just fine and dandy. No offense, Nicola, but when the fuck did you start caring about someone other than yourself? How’s
my
client working out for you? I bet you are living the high life now with the bank you made from that man.”

It stung for her to bring up Andris, but I wasn’t going to let it get to me. She was clearly in more need than my desperate desire to shut off any and everything when it came to him.

“That’s over and done with. Obviously, I’m not living the high life, Kiki. I’m working in a fucking café for Christ’s sake.”

She tried to laugh and erupted into a dreadful coughing fit. I noticed a slight tremble in her hands as she tried to bring her hair more over her face as if she were trying to hide her face from the world.

“When was the last time you ate? Can I put an order in for you?”

“I don’t need your fucking charity. Can you just bring me my fucking coffee and leave me the hell alone?”

I could tell she was getting irritated with me, and the café was starting to get busier so I stood up and pushed my chair in.

“If you need anything else, just let me know. I’ll be right back with your expresso.”

I busied myself taking new orders and delivering others. I helped one of the bus boys clear tables, all the while keeping one eye on Kiki. I watched as she stared vacantly out the window as people walked on the streets. Every once in a while I caught her gaze, but then she would just return back to looking out the window. After about thirty minutes, she stood up, threw some money down on the table and walked out, never saying another word to me.

I COULDN’T FUCKING THINK straight. They only thing I could hear was the incessant voice of my father saying to me over and over how much of a failure I was. I couldn’t even hang on to my first and only real girlfriend for longer than a few weeks.

I was on robot mode when it came to my patients. I nodded my head and answered them when necessary. If they could tell a change in my mood, they didn’t let on. For the first time in my career—my life—my heart wasn’t in it.

Why?

Because the day Nicola walked out of the apartment, she took it with her.

“I still can’t seem to focus on my studies. My thoughts bounce around in my head like a kangaroo on crack, doctor. Will it ever stop?”

“It’s hard to tell, Jacob. ADD is something some people find themselves being able to overcome, others aren’t so lucky. I guess it is all about finding methods that work for you. If you’re easily distracted by things like the TV or people, go somewhere quiet. If music is distracting, leave the iPod off. Maybe what you need is somewhere neutral where there aren’t any outside influences to grab your attention while you study. How do you do when you are in class?”

“Sometimes I can do okay, if the subject is interesting to me. But when the professor starts going on about the cardiovascular system and valves and ventricles, my mind starts shifting to her appearance or I study the other students instead of the material.”

“Well, take my advice, but until then, I can give you something that might help you be able to concentrate more. It is a time released capsule, so it should last about eight hours. I suggest you take it in the morning before you go to class, and not after three pm in the afternoon. Otherwise you will have a hard time going to sleep at night.”

“Thank you, Dr. Gunn.”

I reached into my drawer to retrieve one of my prescription pads to write out the young college student his prescription. When my hands came up empty, I thought it odd, but shrugged it off. I write so many prescriptions per week, I could have easily ran out and not even known it. I stood up from my chair after telling Jacob I would return in a moment and left the office to go to our locked closet where we kept the sample products from drug companies as well as our supply of prescription pads. After retrieving two, I returned back to my office where I wrote out the prescription and bid Jacob good luck on his studies.

Lunch time found me sitting at my desk, staring out the window at New York. I often found myself doing that during the day, wondering where in the city Nicola was.

It had been nearly three days since I saw her. Kissed her lips. Told her I loved her and held her. My body missed her like it missed oxygen when I held my breath. My heart ached in my chest when I thought about how we could have possibly had a full and happy life.

I guess now, I’ll never know.

IT WAS THURSDAY at the café and I was really starting to get the hang of things. Letta had taken a real liking to me and even began to show me how she made some of her famous bread. I enjoyed spending time with her in the kitchen, kneading dough and enjoying our conversations. Strangely, I felt like I could confide in her. If I had had a grandmother, I would hope that she would have been just like Letta.