Volpone and Other Plays (29 page)

Authors: Ben Jonson

90Â Â Â
SUBTLE
: And hang thyself, I care not.

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Hang thee, collier,

And all thy pots and pans, in picture I will,

Since thou hast moved me â

DOL COMMON
[
aside
]:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â O, this 'll o' erthrow all.

FACE
: Write thee up bawd in Paul's; have all thy tricks

Of coz'ning with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings,

Searching for things lost, with a sieve and shears,

Erecting figures
in your rows of houses,

And
taking
in of shadows with a glass,

Told in red letters; and a face cut for thee,

Worse than Gamaliel Ratsey's.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Are you sound?

100Â Â Â Â Ha' you your senses, masters?

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I will have

A book, but barely reckoning thy impostures,

Shall prove a true Philosopher's Stone to printers.

SUBTLE
: Away, you trencher-rascal!

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Out, you dog-leech!

The vomit of all prisons â

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Will you be

Your own destructions, gentlemen?

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Still spewed out

For lying too heavy o' the basket.

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Cheater!

FACE
: Bawd!

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Cowâherd!

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Conjurer!

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Cutâpurse!

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Witch!

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â O me!

We are ruined! lost! Ha' you no more regard

To your reputations? Where's your judgement? 'Slight,

110Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Have yet some care of me, o' your
republic
â

FACE
: Away this
brach
! I'll bring thee, rogue, within

The statute of sorcery,
tricesimo tertio

Of Harry the Eight: ay, and perhaps thy neck

Within a noose, for laund' ring gold and barbing it.

DOL COMMON
: You'll bring your head within a coxcomb, will you?

She catcheth out
FACE'S
sword, and breaks
SUBTLE'S
glass
.

And you, sir, with your
menstrue
! â Gather it up.

'Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards,

Leave off your barking, and grow one again,

Or, by the light that shines, I'll cut your throats.

120Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I'll not be made a prey unto the marshal

For ne'er a snarling
dogâbolt
o' you both.

Ha' you together cozened all this while,

And all the world, and shall it now be said,

You've made most courteous shift to cozen yourselves?

[
To
FACE
] You will accuse him! You will bring him in

Within the statute! Who shall take your word?

A whoreson, upstart, apocryphal Captain,

Whom not a Puritan in Blackfriars will trust

So much as for a feather! [
To
SUBTLE
] And you, too,

130Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Will give the cause, forsooth? You will insult,

And claim a primacy in the divisions?

You must be chief? As if you only had

The powder to project with? and the work

Were not begun out of equality?

The venture tripartite? All things in common?

Without priority? 'Sdeath! you perpetual curs,

Fall to your couples again, and cozen kindly,

And heartily, and lovingly, as you should,

And lose not the beginning of a
term
,

140Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Or, by this hand, I shall grow factious too,

And take my part, and quit you.

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 'T is his fault;

He ever murmurs, and objects his pains,

And says the weight of all lies upon him.

SUBTLE
: Why, so it does.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â How does it? Do not we

Sustain our parts?

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Yes, but they are not equal.

DOL COMMON
: Why, if your part exceed today, I hope

Ours may tomorrow match it.

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ay, they may.

DOL COMMON
: May, murmuring mastiff? Ay, and do. Death on me!

Help me to throttle him.

Â Â Â Â [
Seizes
SUBTLE
by the throat
.]

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy!

150Â Â Â 'Ods precious, I'll do anything. What do you mean?

DOL COMMON
: Because o' your
fermentation
and cibation!

SUBTLE
: Not I, by Heaven â

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Your
Sol and Luna
â [
To
FACE
] Help me.

SUBTLE
: Would I were hanged then! I'll conform myself.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly! Swear.

SUBTLE
: What should I swear?

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â To leave your faction, sir,

And labour kindly in the common work.

SUBTLE
: Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside.

I only used those speeches as a spur

To him.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?

FACE
: 'Slid, prove today who shall
shark
best.

160Â Â
SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Agreed.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Yes, and work close and friendly.

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â 'Slight, the knot

Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.

DOL COMMON
:Why, so, my good baboonsl Shall we go make

A
sort
of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours,

That scarce have smiled twice sin' the king came in,

A feast of laughter at our follies? â rascals,

Would run themselves from breath, to see me
ride
,

Or you t' have but a
hole
to thrust your heads in,

For which you should
pay ear-rent
? No, agree.

170Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And may Don Provost ride a-feasting long,

In his old velvet jerkin and stained scarfs,

My noble sovereign, and worthy general,

Ere we contribute a new
crewel
garter

To his most worsted worship.

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Royal Dol!

Spoken like Claridiana, and thyself.

FACE
: For which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph,

And not be styled Dol Common, but Dol Proper,

Dol Singular; the longest cut at night

Shall draw thee for his Dol Particular.

[
Bell rings without
.]

180Â Â
SUBTLE
: Who's that? One rings. To the window, Dol! â Pray heav' n

The master do not trouble us this quarter.

FACE
: O, fear not him. While there dies one a week

O' the plague, he's safe from thinking toward London.

Beside, he's busy at his hopâyards now â

I had a letter from him. If he do,

He'll send such word, for airing o' the house,

As you shall have sufficient time to quit it.

Though we break up a fortnight, 't is no matter.

SUBTLE
: Who is it, Dol?

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â A fine young
quodling
.

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â O,

190Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â My lawyer's clerk, I lighted on last night,

In Holborn, at
the Dagger
. He would have

(I told you of him) a
familiar
,

To
rifle
with at horses, and win cups.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â O, let him in.

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Stay. Who shall do 't?

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Get you

Your robes on; I will meet him, as going out.

DOL COMMON
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And what shall I do?

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Not be seen; away!

[
Exit
DOL COMMON
.]

Seem you very reserved.

SUBTLE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Enough.

[
Exit
.]

FACE
[
shouting as he goes to the door
]: God b' w' you, sir!

I pray you, let him know that I was here:

His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but â

I, ii [
DAPPER
(
offâstage
):] Captain, I am here.

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Who's that? â He's come, I think, Doctor.

[
FACE
admits
DAPPER
.]

Good faith, sir, I was going away.

DAPPER
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â In truth,

I' m very sorry, Captain.

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â But I thought

Sure I should meet you.

DAPPER
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ay, I' m very glad.

I had a scurvy writ or two to make,

And I had lent my watch last night to one

That dines today at the shrieve's, and so was robbed

Of my
pass-time
.

[
Re-enter
SUBTLE
in his Doctor's cap and gown
.]

Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Is this the cunning-man?

FACE
: This is his worship.

DAPPER
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Is he a Doctor?

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Yes.

DAPPER
: And ha' you
broke
with him, Captain?

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Ay.

10Â Â
DAPPER
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â And how?

FACE
: Faith, he does make the matter, sir, so dainty,

I know not what to say.

DAPPER
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Not so, good Captain.

FACE
: Would I were fairly rid on 't, believe me.

DAPPER
: Nay, now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so?

I dare assure you, I'll not be ungrateful.

FACE
: I cannot think you will, sir. But the law

Is such a thing â and then he says, Read's matter

Falling so lately â

DAPPER
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Read? he was an ass,

And dealt, sir, with a fool

FACE
:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â It was a clerk, sir.