Volpone and Other Plays (67 page)

[
Enter
WINWIFE
and
GRACE
.]

10    
WINWIFE
: I wonder where Tom Quarlous is, that he returns not; it may be he is struck in here to seek us.

GRACE
: See, here's our madman again.

[
Enter
QUARLOUS
and
DAME PURECRAFT
.]
QUARLOUS
in the habit of the madman is mistaken by
MISTRESS PURECRAFT
.

QUARLOUS
[
aside
]: I have made myself as like him as his gown and cap will give me leave.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Sir, I love you, and would be glad to be mad with you in truth.

WINWIFE
: How! my widow in love with a madman?

DAME PURECRAFT
: Verily, I can be as mad in spirit as you.

QUARLOUS
: By whose warrant? Leave your
canting
. [
To
GRACE
]

20           Gentlewoman, have I found you? (Save ye, quit ye, and multiply ye.) Where's your book? 'Twas a sufficient name I marked, let me see't, be not afraid to show't me.

He desires to see the book of
MISTRESS GRACE
.

GRACE
: What would you with it, sir?

QUARLOUS
: Mark it again and again, at your service.

GRACE
: Here it is, sir; this was it you marked.

QUARLOUS
: ‘Palemon'? Fare you well, fare you well.

WINWIFE
: How, Palemon!

GRACE
: Yes, faith, he has discovered it to you now, and therefore 'twere vain to disguise it longer: I am yours. sir, by the benefit

30           of your fortune.

WINWIFE
: And you have him, Mistress, believe it, that shall never give you cause to repent her benefit, but make you rather to think that, in this choice, she had both her eyes.

GRACE
: I desire to put it to no danger of protestation.

[
Exeunt
WINWIFE
and
GRACE
.]

QUARLOUS
[
aside
]: Palemon the word and Winwife the man?

DAME PURECRAFT
: Good sir, vouchsafe a yoke-fellow in your madness; shun not one of the sanctified sisters, that would draw with you in truth.

QUARLOUS
: Away! You are a herd of hypocritical proud ignorants,

40        rather wild than mad, fitter for woods and the society of beasts than houses and the congregation of men. You are the second part of the society of
canters
, outlaws to order and discipline, and the only privileged church-robbers of Christendom. Let me alone. – [
Aside
] Palemon the word and Winwife the man?

DAME PURECRAFT
[
aside
]: I must uncover myself unto him or I shall never enjoy him, for all the cunning-men's promises. – Good sir, hear me: I am worth six thousand pound; my love to you is become my rack; I' ll tell you all, and the truth, since you

50          hate the hypocrisy of the
party-coloured
Brotherhood. These seven years I have been a wilful holy widow only to draw feasts and gifts from my entangled suitors. I am also by office an assisting sister of the Deacons and a devourer, instead of a distributor, of the alms. I am a special maker of marriages for our decayed Brethren with our rich widows, for a third part of their wealth, when they are married, for the relief of the poor elect; as also our poor handsome young virgins with our wealthy bachelors or widowers, to make them steal from their husbands when I have confirmed them in the faith and got all

60        put into their custodies. And if I ha' not my bargain, they may sooner turn a scolding drab into a silent
minister
than make me leave pronouncing reprobation and damnation unto them. Our elder, Zeal-of-the-Land, would have had me, but I know him to be the capital knave of the land, making himself rich by being made
feoffee in trust
to deceased Brethren, and coz'ning their heirs by swearing the absolute gift of their inheritance. And thus, having eased my conscience and uttered my heart with
the tongue of my love, enjoy all my deceits together, I beseech you. I should not have revealed this to you, but that in
time
I

70           think you are mad; and I hope you' ll think me so too, sir?

QUARLOUS
: Stand aside, I' ll answer you presently.

He considers with himself of it
.

              Why should not I marry this six thousand pound, now I think on't? And a good trade too, that she has beside, ha? The tother wench Win wife is sure of; there's no expectation for me there! Here I may make myself
some saver
yet, if she continue mad – there's the question. It is money that I want. Why should I not marry the money, when 'tis offered me? I have a licence and all; it is but razing out one name and putting in another. There's no playing with a man's fortune. I am resolved! I were truly

80       mad an' I would not! [
To
DAME PURECRAFT
] Well, come your ways, follow me an' you will be mad, I' ll show you a warrant!

He takes her along with him
.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Most zealously; it is that I zealously desire.

The
JUSTICE
calls him
.

OVERDO
: Sir, let me speak with you.

QUARLOUS
: By whose warrant?

OVERDO
: The warrant that you tender and respect so: Justice Overdo's! I am the man, friend Trouble-all, though thus disguised (as the careful magistrate ought) for the good of the republic, in the Fair, and the weeding out of enormity. Do you

90           want a house or meat or drink or clothes? Speak whatsoever it is, it shall be supplied you. What want you?

QUARLOUS
: Nothing but your warrant.

OVERDO
: My warrant? For what?

QUARLOUS
: To be gone, sir.

OVERDO
: Nay, I pray thee stay. I am serious, and have not many words nor much time to exchange with thee. Think what may do thee good.

QUARLOUS
: Your hand and seal will do me a great deal of good; nothing else in the whole Fair, that I know.

100  
OVERDO
: If it were to any end, thou should'st have it willingly.

QUARLOUS
: Why, it will satisfy me; that's end enough to look on. An' you will not gi' it me, let me go.

OVERDO
: Alas! thou shalt ha' it presently. I' ll but step into the scrivener's hereby and bring it. Do not go away.

The
JUSTICE
goes out
.

QUARLOUS
[
aside
]: Why, this madman's shape will prove a very fortunate one, I think! Can a ragged robe produce these effects? If this be the wise Justice, and he bring me his hand, I shall go near to make some use on't.

[
JUSTICE OVERDO
returns
.]

He is come already!

110  
OVERDO
: Look thee! here is my hand and seal, Adam Overdo; if there be anything to be written above in the paper, that thou want'st now or at any time hereafter, think on't; it is my deed, I deliver it so; can your friend write?

QUARLOUS
: Her hand for a witness, and all is well.

OVERDO
: With all my heart.

He urgeth
MISTRESS PURECRAFT
.

QUARLOUS
[
aside
]: Why should not I ha' the
conscience
to make this a bond of a thousand pound, now? or what I would else?

OVERDO
: Look you, there it is; and I deliver it as my deed again.

QUARLOUS
: Let us now proceed in madness.

He takes her in with him
.

OVERDO
: Well, my conscience is much eased; I ha' done my part,      120

though it doth him no good, yet Adam hath offered satisfaction! The sting is removed from hence. Poor man, he is much altered with his affliction; it has brought him low! Now, for my other work,
reducing
the young man I have followed so long in love from the brink of his bane to the centre of safety. Here, or in some such like vain place, I shall be sure to find him. I will wait the good time.

v, iii     [
Enter
COKES
,
followed by the boys of the Fair
.]

[
COKES
:] How now? What's here to do? Friend, art thou the
master of the monuments
?

SHARKWELL
: 'Tis a motion, an't please your worship.

OVERDO
[
aside
]: My
fantastical
brother-in-law, Master Barthol' – mew Cokes!

COKES
: A motion? What's that?

He reads the bill
.

        ‘The ancient modern history of
Hero and Leander
, otherwise called
The Touchstone of True Love
, with as true a trial of friendship between Damon and Pythias, two faithful friends o' the

10           Bankside.' Pretty i' faith; what's the meaning on't? Is't an
interlude
, or what is't?

FILCHER
: Yes, sir; please you come near, we' ll take your money within.

The boys o' the Fair follow him
.

COKES
: Back with these children; they do so follow me up and down.

[
Enter
LITTLEWIT
.]

LITTLEWIT
: By your leave, friend.

FILCHER
: You must pay, sir, an' you go in.

LITTLEWIT
: Who, I? I perceive thou know'st not me. Call the master o' the motion.

20  
SHARKEBLL
: what, do you not know the author, fellow Filcher? You must take no money of him; he must come in
gratis
. Master Littlewit is a
voluntary
; he is the author.

LITTLEWIT
: Peace, speak not too loud; I would not have any notice taken that I am the author till we see how it passes.

COKES
: Master Littlewit, how dost thou?

LITTLEWIT
: Master Cokes! you are exceeding well met. What, in your doublet and hose, without a cloak or a hat?

30  
COKES
: I would I might never stir, as I am an honest man, and by that
fire
; I have lost all i' the Fair, and all my acquaintance too. Didst thou meet anybody that I know, Master Littlewit? my man Numps, or my sister Overdo, or Mistress Grace? Pray thee, Master Litlewit, lend me some money to see the interlude here. I' ll pay thee again, as I am a gentleman. If thou' lt but carry me home, I have money enough there.

LITTLEWIT
: O, sir, you shall command it. What, will a crown serve you?

COKES
: I think it will. What do we pay for coming in, fellows?

FILCHER
: Twopence, sir.

COKES
: Twopence? there's twelvepence, friend. Nay, I am a

40      gallant, as simple as I look now, if you see me with my man about me and my artillery again.

LITTLEWIT
: Your man was i' the stocks e' en now, sir.

COKES
: Who, Numps?

LITTLEWIT
: Yes, faith.

COKES
: For what, i' faith? I am glad o' that. Remember to tell me on't anon; I have enough now! What manner of matter is this, Master Littlewit? What kind of actors ha' you? Are they good actors?

LITTLEWIT
: Pretty youths, sir, all children, both old and young;

50      here's the master of' em –

LITTLEWIT
: Master Lantern, that gives light to the business.

COKES
: In good time, sir, I would fain see ' em; I would be glad drink with the young company. Which is the
tiring-house?

LEATHERHEAD
: Troth sir, our tiring-house is somewhat little; we are but beginners, yet, pray pardon us; you cannot go upright in't.

COKES
: No? Not now my hat is off? What would you have done

60       with me if you had had me, feather and all, as I was once today? Ha' you none of your pretty impudent boys, now, to bring stools, fill tobacco, fetch ale, and beg money, as they have at
other houses?
Let me see some o' your actors.

LITTLEWIT
: Show him ' em, show him ' em. Master Lantern, this is a gentleman that is a favourer of the
quality
.

[
LEATHERHEAD
goes to the puppet-theatre
.]

OVERDO
[
aside
]: Ay, the favouring of this licentious quality is the
consumption
of many a young gentleman, a pernicious enormity.

He
[
LEATHERHEAD
]
brings them out in a basket
.

COKES
: What, do they live in baskets?

70 LEATHERHEAD
: They do lie in a basket, sir; they are o' the small players.

COKES
: These be
players
minors, indeed. Do you call these players?