Authors: J. Lynn
And I couldn’t bear to see that happen with Cam.
I would do anything to avoid that, even if it meant taking drastic steps. Somewhere between Tuesday night and Wednesday morning, I’d made up my mind about the current state of my life.
This… this stuff with Cam had been doomed for failure from the beginning. Could a guy and a girl who were attracted to each other really be friends? I didn’t think so. Things would get too complicated. They’d either act on those feelings or stay away from each other. We had tried to act on those feelings for a hot second. We kissed a couple of times. That was all. And in reality, it wouldn’t have gone further.
I wasn’t sure that I could’ve gone further. Well, especially now I didn’t think so. Cam would eventually move on and I would have an absolutely obliterated heart. Not broken, but completely destroyed, because Cam… he was falling-in-love-with material. And I couldn’t let that happened.
Maybe you already had,
whispered an evil, terrible, bitchy voice.
So on Wednesday morning I went to my advisor and made up some excuse about there being too much school work and that I was getting behind. The last day for complete withdrawal from a class had been at the end of October, so to get out of astronomy I would have to take an incomplete.
An incomplete would totally bitch slap my GPA, but the truth was I was doing good enough in the rest of my classes that it wouldn’t kill my overall.
There was a decision to make.
Face Cam and deal with the inevitable broken heart or take the incomplete.
I took the incomplete.
And as I left my advisor’s office, I knew what I’d done wasn’t so much making a decision. I was running. After all, wasn’t that what I was good at? Running?
#
Brit and Jacob attempted to stage an intervention the following weekend. Both showed up at my apartment and if I hadn’t let them in, I was confident they’d beat down my door, or worse, involve Cam.
I sat in my moon chair, staring up at them. “Guys, really…?”
Brit folded her arms, chin raised stubbornly. “We are your friends and obviously you’re facing a crisis of some sort, so we are here, and you can’t get rid of us that easily.”
“I’m not having or facing a crisis.” God, had Cam told them what he’d seen? My stomach dropped, but I told myself he wouldn’t have done that. At least I didn’t think so.
“Really?” Jacob said, returning from the kitchen. “Since you’ve come back from Thanksgiving break, you’ve been walking around like a zombie and not the cool, fast brain-eating kind. You looked like you’ve been crying your eyes out, you’ve been avoiding Cam and all talk of him, and there is nothing good to eat in your kitchen.”
I raised my brow at the last statement. “I haven’t been avoiding Cam.”
“Bullshit,” Brit replied. “I talked to Cam yesterday. He said you won’t talk to him, answer his phone calls or your door when it’s him, and you haven’t been to astronomy.”
A sharp pain sliced across my chest. I almost asked if she had approached him, but figured it didn’t matter. The less I thought about him the better. Not saying his name helped.
Having my two friends give me the third degree about him wasn’t helping.
“Did you guys get into a fight?” Jacob plopped down on the couch.
Had we? Not really. I shook my head. “It’s nothing, guys. We didn’t get in a fight. I just haven’t been in the mood to talk to him.”
She shot me a bland look. “Avery, that’s bullshit, too.”
I raised my hands helplessly.
“Why haven’t you been going to astronomy?” she asked.
“I dropped the class.”
She gaped. “You’ve dropped the class? Avery, the last day to drop was—oh, my God, you’re taking an incomplete?”
“It’s not a big deal.”
Brit stared at me, so did Jacob. “Have you’ve lost your fucking mind, Avery?”
I winced. “No.”
Taking a deep breath, Brit glanced between Jacob and me. “Jacob, can you get back to the dorm by yourself?”
His brows knitted. “Uh yeah, it’s not that far of a walk, but—”
“Good,” she chirped. Leaning forward, she kissed him on the cheek. “See you later.”
Jacob sat there for a moment and then shook his head. He gave me a quick hug before he left. “Why did you kick him out?” I asked.
“Because we need to talk girl to girl,” she replied.
Oh dear.
She leaned forward, clenching her knees. “What happened between you two?”
I struggled to come up with a good excuse for why I was avoiding Cam. “It’s just that I don’t think pursuing a relationship with him is the right thing?”
“Okay. You’re entitled to decide that, but no friendship? To the point you can’t be in the same class as him?”
“We can’t be friends,” I said after a few moments, already weary with this conversation. “That’s just it, okay? I really don’t want to talk about this. I’m not trying to be rude, but there’s nothing to say. I don’t want to see him. End of story.”
I don’t want to see him. The thing about that was that it was only partially true. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to see him, but I missed him. It had only been a week, but I missed his smart ass comments, his wit and charm, and—I stopped myself with a shake of my head.
Brit pushed her hair off her forehead. “Alright, but I want to ask one question and I want a fucking honest answer, okay?”
My eyes widened. “Okay.”
“Did he try something?”
“What?” I shrieked.
She met my stare. “Did he hurt you or something?”
“Oh, my God, no.” I stood, running my hands down my hips. “Cam didn’t do anything. I promise you. He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. Okay. Please don’t think that about him.”
Brit nodded slowly.
“I didn’t think he would’ve, but I had to ask. I had to know.”
She stayed for a little while longer, switching the conversation to her latest hook up with Jimmie, and for a while I forgot about Cam and the whole mess.
When she left, she stopped at the door and turned back to me. “Just in case you’re wondering, when I talked to Cam, he was really worried about you. He was upset. Whatever went down between you two, I hope you guys can work it out, because…”
“Because what?”
She pressed her lips together, exhaling through her nose. “Because I think the guy really does care about you, Avery. And I think you really care about him. It would be a fucking shame if you guys couldn’t fix this or work this out over some bullshit.”
#
With the semester winding down, I threw myself into finals. With the incomplete in astronomy, I needed to ace all my exams to just to make myself feel somewhat better after making such a crazy decision. More than once over the last week or so, I wanted to punt kick myself in the face for taking an incomplete. In those very rare logical moments, I cursed myself every which way from Sunday. It was a stupid, stupid decision, especially over a boy, but there was nothing I could do now. I’d missed the last two weeks of class and there was no way I could make up for that.
As I finished up my last final of the semester—music—I headed to the train station where my car was parked. Facing the brutal wind that seemed to blow straight in my eyes, I pulled out my cell. There were a couple of unread texts from Cam over the last week, one from the UNKNOWN CALLER who apparently got tired of calling me a whore over voicemail and moved on to texting it. Just like I avoided my cousin’s emails, I did the same with Cam’s texts.
I didn’t delete them though. I’m not sure why. I just couldn’t do it.
There was a missed call from Brit. She wanted to get together before she headed home for winter break. Neither her nor Jacob brought up the stuff with Cam again, but it hung between us every time we were together. After leaving campus, I headed to the grocery store for the long overdue trip. I milled through the aisles, not really finding anything appetizing, but more of just throwing stuff in my cart.
On the way out, I spotted Ollie heading into the pizza joint at the end of the strip mall. We were less than a mile from the apartments, so it wasn’t a surprise to see him there, but I stopped in the middle of the parking lot, my heart pounding. He didn’t look over my way, probably didn’t even see me, but I saw him and I thought of that stupid tortoise.
A lump appeared in my throat and I inhaled sharply. Tears burned the back of my eyes as I forced myself to the back of my car. I unloaded the groceries, focusing on the mundane task until I felt the messy ball of emotion slid back down.
The inevitable happened as I lugged up the last of my groceries.
I heard Cam’s door open and I knew it couldn’t be Ollie. My heart stuttered and I tried to get the door open and get the groceries in before he saw me, except that wasn’t possible. Dismissing the idiotic idea of leaving the groceries in the hall, I bent over, grabbing as many bags as possible.
“Avery.”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I froze, three bags of groceries dangling precariously from my aching fingers. My throat closed up as I
felt
him come closer. It was as if my body was aware of him on some kind of subconscious level.
“Let me help you.”
His deep voice wove its way through my chest, working a shiver from me. I opened my eyes, but kept my gaze glued to what I could see of my apartment. “I got it.”
“Doesn’t look that way,” he replied. “Your fingers are turning purple.”
They were. “It’s fine.” I started into my apartment, but Cam moved quickly. He slid around me and all I saw was his midsection. Thank God he was wearing a sweater. His hand came into view and he extracted the bags from my fingers, brushing over mine in the process. I jerked back, causing one of the bags to hit the floor. “Shit.”
I stooped down, grabbing my hair conditioner before it rolled down the steps. Cam knelt, picking up the rest of my spilled items. In his hands were my shampoo, toothpaste, and tampons. Nice. Cursing under my breath, I forced my gaze up.
Cam’s jaw was clamped shut, and I had to look away quickly, because seeing him wasn’t good.
“If you laugh, I will punch you in the stomach,” I said, grabbing the rest of the groceries.
“I wouldn’t dare think of laughing.” A hint of amusement filled his tone.
He followed me into my apartment, moving past me and putting the bags on the counter. I did the same, my heart pumping with him in my kitchen. “You didn’t have to help, but thank you,” I said, hands shaking as I pulled the milk out of one of the bags. He was still in the kitchen, standing in front of the door. “I really need to—”
“Do you really think you’re going to get rid of me that easily now that I’m in here?” he asked.
I shoved the milk into the fridge and went to the frozen stuff. “I could only hope.”
“Ha. Funny. We need to talk.”
Stacking the frozen dinners into a pile, I carried them to the freezer. “We don’t need to talk.”
“Yes, we do.”
“No, we don’t. And I’m busy. As you can see, I have groceries to put away and I—”
“Okay, I can help.” Cam strolled forward, heading to the counter. “And we can talk while I help you.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“Yeah, I think you kind of do.”
I whipped around, leaving the freezer door open. Cold air blew across the back of my neck, but I barely felt it over the panic and anger of having to face him. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It doesn’t mean what you think it does, Avery. Jesus.” He thrust a hand through his messy hair. “All I want to do is talk to you. That’s all I’ve been trying to do.”
“Obviously I don’t want to talk to you.” I stormed over to the counter, swiping the pack of hamburger meat off the counter. Tossing it into the freezer, I slammed the door shut. Several items rattled inside and on top of the fridge. “And you’re still here.”
Cam took a deep breath as the muscle along his jaw started thrumming. “Look, I get that you’re not happy with me, but you have to fill me in on what I did to piss you off so badly that you weren’t talk to me or even—”
“You didn’t do anything, Cam! I just don’t want to talk to you.” Pivoting on my heel, I left the kitchen and headed for the front door. “Okay?”
“No, it’s not okay.” He followed me into the living room, but stopped behind the couch. “This is not how people act, Avery. They don’t just up and drop a person or hide from them.
If there’s—”
“You want to know how people don’t act?” Stung by the truth in his words, I lashed out. “People also don’t constantly call and harass people who obviously don’t want to see them! How about that?”
“Harass you? Is that what I’ve been doing?” Cam let out a laugh, but it came out harsh. “Are you fucking kidding me? Me being concerned about you is harassing?”